The Chronicles of the Not So Rich or Famous

I wonder...

2011-10-17T16:35:00.000-04:00

I'm in a good place in my life right now. For whatever reason, whenever I go to the dentist, i take time to recount the last 6 months of my life since I follow the guideline of going once every 6 months for a check up. So whenever i go to the dentist, i think about where i was in my life last time i was there....and when I leave the dentist i think about what may be going on in my life upon my next visit (April 30, 2012).

So today as I was in the chair getting lectured about how i should floss more regularly (I know, i KNOW!) I started thinking about how 2 visits ago, it was the week of my wedding. And i remember thinking during that visit...by the time i come back, I'll be married. When I made my appointment for this time around I was thinking...wow, when i come back - I will have already celebrated my 1 year anniversary.

So today, I went and thought about what has happened in my life since my last visit and what may happen between now and April 2012. It's funny how 6 months seems so far away and full of possibility, but it feels like just yesterday I was at the dentist reminding the hygienist that my teeth are sensitive and to not put cold water directly on them (I prefer the spray my tongue and i'll swish it method, personally).

I wonder - what will I be doing? I will probably be knee dip in internship paperwork, wrapping up my internship class, finalizing another years worth of reports at work. Making summer plans. I will have already gone on my late anniversary trip to Mexico with my husband. I will be preparing myself for turning 31. Will other things be going on in my life?

And for some reason, all these thoughts about the future made me think of a past that is so far back that I don't know how i still remember the details. It should just be a distant memory with nothing real to hang on to...and I'm so beyond the point of wanting my life to be different, but you ever have just one of those totally unanswered questions in your life? And no matter how happy you are, how good things are going - you just can't help but want an answer?

That's sort of what happens to me every time I let my mind wander too far into the past. And it's dumb, and i get irritated at myself and think it really doesn't matter. Because honestly, knowing an answer wouldn't make me want to change anything in my life now. It would just put to rest some very ancient ghosts that like to sneak up on me every now and again. And that WOULD be nice. *sigh*

On a semi-unrelated note....

I annoy myself sometimes with my crazy internal goings-on. We did this MBTI training thing at work recently...and I'm VERY interested in this stuff...personality type, etc. and how it impacts how you perceive others, make decisions, etc. And i'm starting to realize (or maybe just starting to accept) that I am an Introvert vs. Extrovert. I was forced (okay probably more self imposed) to be an extrovert and i've learned it so well that I've even tricked myself.

But when i go through these phases of such internal thoughts and processing - I realize more and more that maybe i am an Introvert...and even though it sounds like a nasty word, maybe it's not such a bad thing.

And just the fact that i'm journal-ing about these thoughts instead of just talking to someone about them....just reaffirms all this. The MBTI trainer said that we are born with our MBTI type...and it's really just more of us getting to a place where we are clear on who we are. Sort of a "you can run but you can't hide" thing. I'm starting to be open to this idea that maybe I am more in line with the introvert way of doing things. Maybe i do it already and everyone else knows, and I'm just now getting the memo. It's hard learning something new about yourself late in the game. But I guess it just goes to show that life is a journey and figuring yourself out is just part of the process.

Here's to more happy thoughts at the dentist and self reflection!

Team Facebook - The Secret Support System

2011-07-25T17:10:00.001-04:00

I realized something this past weekend, and I wanted to share it with you!

We all use facebook for different reasons, some of us post funny quips, meaningful quotes..or random tid bits about our day. Others use it to "check in" and to tell others to "check it out" and some people are actually using it to check others out. But we all are participating in one way, shape or form in this enormous community. I realized this weekend when I went to an alumni event at Queens University of Charlotte that I may have gotten to know some of these people better after we graduated than during our time together in school. I see their face and it's not like "oh my god! It's been forever you've changed so much!" It's more like - "Oh hey there, is that the dress you were talking about getting for such at deal at Nordstrom Rack last week on FB?"

You know it's happened to you before. You realize that people that may not be in your "in person" circle are still very much in tune with what's happening in your life. I had about 4 people congratulate me on my 35 mile bike ride at this alumni event on Saturday. People who I absolutely know, and are my facebook friends, but people that i don't talk with "in person" on a regular basis. It was actually a pretty amazing feeling - knowing that so many people are on your team - even when you don't realize it.

That was my big realization - that our support system extends far beyond our in person community. It runs beyond blood relations. People are cheering you on from across the city, across the state, the country and even the globe. How many times have you seen someone's facebook status and sent them well wishes, or prayed a quick prayer for them and never sent anything to them at all? How many of you have read someone's status or seen a pic and thought "man, good for them!" but never actually sent the message?

All this unspoken support is happening around us - and sometimes we forget that in today's world - we are never alone. We are never stepping up to the plate without people in the bleachers cheering us on. We are never crying tears without someone, somewhere, wishing they could make us feel better. This act of living "online" and sharing in this community we call Facebook, Twitter, Google+, whatever you use - it's like a big and totally unplanned extended family. And that "cousin" whom you've never met may very well be following your life story and wishing you well every step of the way.

Some people might think this level of sharing and community is too much - too personal, too intrusive. But I think it's a wonderful opportunity to connect with people outside of those we might physically see every day. A great chance to connect on a different level with someone who doesn't live on your street or even in your town. The perfect way to feel like no matter what you do - you are doing it with potentially hundreds of people sending good thoughts.

I love this sense of community and outreach. I love that when I'm having a good day or a bad day that I can look here and find some encouragement from someone i didn't know was following my story. I don't find it weird or strange, I find it refreshing that we can still take a few moments in our day to really CONNECT to others, and to show that we care what's happening in their lives. It's what makes us good people, I think.

So for all those that I may have been secretly cheering on from the sidelines, I will try to do a better job of letting you know I'm happy for you, or proud of you, or wishing the best for you. Because it makes you feel special when someone reaches out - and everyone deserves that. So thanks, team Facebook, for being sorta kinda like a family to me during some of my crazy journey's I've posted here. It's good to know....you've got a friend.

One of those days

2011-07-20T16:39:00.000-04:00

I get like this at least once every summer. You know - that panicky..."I have so much to do but CANNOT for the life of me get motivated to do something about it" feeling? I was able to keep this feeling at bay for a little while due to a big project at work that was unexpected, challenging, and gave me the ability to dig in to it and just chip away at it. But i've finished the bulk of it, and now reality is sinking in that instead of using the summer to work on all the normal projects (like getting ready for fall semester) - i used it to work on this other project...so I'm way behind.

Alas, i've used my creative energy on this other project, and I'm just feeling uninspired. *sigh* I know, whoa is me.

I heard of the Bob & Sheri morning show this morning that studies have shown that "sleepy people" are more likely to spend their time blaming others. I would consider myself a sleepy person these days. I don't really feel like doing anything, i feel boring. I feel fat. I would rather just curl up into a corner and read sometimes as opposed to going out and doing "stuff." But I'm not blaming anyone for feeling this way, I am disproving all the research by saying "I blame myself!"

That makes me sound terrible. Again - refer to the subject of this blog. Just one of those days. I have high hopes that tomorrow will be a new day. One that the sunshine through the window makes me happy that it's summer instead of feeling like a blinding heat keeping me indoors. A day where appointments make me happy because it's the chance to meet with someone new, and not a meeting to get through.

Tomorrow, I'm sure i will be more interesting, less fat, and rested. Oh tomorrow, you're only a day away.

No Rest for the Weary

2011-01-26T15:02:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling a bit weary. Work is busy, my work out schedule is busy, my mind is busy with other things.

And still - I find time to write about how busy i am, classic, i know.

I have a lot going on for me right now that I can't share here. Even though with the small group of followers i have, it's not a very public forum. But still, it's just not the right outlet for everything that is going on. And i guess it's that part of what i'm not sharing that has stressed me out the most lately.

It comes in waves, and sometimes it doesn't seem to matter, and other times it drives me crazy. I'm just sort of tired, and this week made it apparent that I still have an issue with bottling up how i feel until it has no other option but to explode.

I'd really enjoy a long nap right about now. But i am proud to say that despite being tired, I'm sticking to my triathlon training. Today was my long swim day - I absolutely couldn't get up this morning to work out before work, most likely because i didn't get home from work/working out/teaching class until 9pm last night. So i made sure i had time to swim during lunch.

I'm super proud of myself for making it happen regardless. I had to swim for 24 minutes today. When i think of walking for 24 minutes, or being on the elliptical for 24 minutes, i wouldn't bat an eye at that. But man...running or swimming for 24 minutes is challenging!

I'm still not an awesome swimmer, so i'm working on my form. I keep watching other people swim - they probably think i'm a stalker, but really i'm just watching other peoples form. How do i move faster? How do i not suck in water every other breath, should my neck hurt? All these questions. I guess i will figure it out as i go. I have until May before my first race happens with a swim. The 2 races i plan to do this summer are actually both less distance swims than what my training program is prepping me for. I hope that means i'll be MORE than physically prepared come race day.

I haven't been able to keep up with the running portion of my tri training. I'm still working with a sprained calf muscle (or so my doc says it's sprained). But with teaching TurboKick once a week and my other training - i figure once the strain heals I can catch up on the running since i know i'm capable.

It's just hard when your leg feels like its going to fall off if you keep running. I wonder what happened to hurt my leg so badly? I feel like it showed up out of nowhere. I'm hoping it disappears as quickly....but it's been several months and no luck. I guess i'm just not willing to stop working out completely because then it's truly like starting from scratch and i've worked too hard to do that.

So I'll just keep on keeping one. Even though everything is perfect right now, I'm working hard to be better in all areas of my life. And i can feel good about that, even on a bad day.

Catch 22

2010-11-24T13:59:00.001-05:00

I was more rock and roll at 16 than I am now, we all were
The screeching guitars, crashing symbols and amplified vocals
Sent thrills through me then and we would

Turn it up times ten in my little gold Tercel that lost its’ rims
to bumps in the road on a regular basis,
Leaving me to pull over and scurry into medians after them, hoping
no one would recognize me on the way to

Wednesday night Youth Group – we would pack out
that upstairs room; where our own rock stars would perform on
the stage we built for them; playing to our hearts content
Hundreds of jumping feet, singing along and

I can remember every beat of those songs, each break in the music
building suspense and we were so cool to know the next word
This was our rock and roll; our version of blue streaked hair and cigarettes it

Kept us safe from what happens next
Where we go our own ways and pretend it will always be the same
between us, but knowing deep down – these were fleeting moments that are
Now memories that rush back to me at 20, 25 and now at 29,
Flashes of what we wanted to be and how we desperately wanted to just stay on
those couches, listening to the strumming of the guitar and harmonized voices
singing songs that still play in my head on a rainy day where

The splatter of rain on my window, the tears that may have spilled; remind me
of who we were in those safe moments, where we needed each other most
and what we’ll never be again

aam 2010

Confessions of a Middle Schooler and Being So Glad I'm 29 Instead

2010-11-12T11:49:00.002-05:00

I’m in a place in my life where I’m reflecting on “how I got here.” Not really like “God” vs. Big Bang or anything – but more of like, thinking about the person I have become at 29.

I usually get this way after a big event (whether it’s in my life or someone close to me) or when I stumble across some of my old writing and it makes me think. So lucky me – both of these things happened to me recently so it’s been a double whammy. I had this big rubber maid bin sitting in the back of my Honda Fit (best car ever!!) for the longest time. My parents keep telling me to come to their house so I can bring all my old stuff that is sitting in their attic to my house. I started this process over the summer – and you see how far I got with it. From their attic to the back of my car. Ironically enough, prepping for my wedding and needing all the space in my car prompted me to finally move that big bin of “stuff” inside the house. Now that the big event is over, and I’m going through the process of cleaning up, organizing and trying to feel truly settled – I knew that it was time to open the bin, for better or worse, right?

So for those of you that don’t know me or haven’t known me for very long – all of my “big bins” of stuff that are saved from growing up contain writing. My writing – I’ve kept a diary, written stories, a journal, a blog every since I was able to write practically. Seriously – in the bin I went through recently, I found a journal from second grade where my teacher asked us to respond to a question every day that I had kept. I found several short stories I wrote in elementary school when I was part of the “writing club” and journals full of despair as my third grade self found out we were moving to a new town and I’d have to leave all my friends.

So when I go through these bins, it’s an all day process. I must read everything. I am always, always amazed by how brutally honest I was in those diaries and journals. Some entries really make me sad for my younger self. I want to find a time machine so I can go back and appear to myself at 10 year old and say “Don’t worry – you’ll get through this, you’ll make the best of friends in the next few years.” And at 16 I want to tell myself that hearts do heal, and that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. The entries from middle school are probably the worse. I am almost embarrassed to read them. One of the middle school entries I found during my most recent “bin” adventure was a contract that I wrote out for myself in my journal. It was about how I promised to not be fat anymore and that I didn’t want to live the rest of my life being overweight. And so I signed a contract agreeing to lose weight and be happier. The next 5-6 pages after the signed contract were food logs of all the meals and snacks I ate and how much I exercised.

Looking back at this attempt to “be happy” at age 12 or 13 and seeing my food log, I am alarmed at how uneducated I was about what eating healthy meant. My breakfast consisted of Toaster Strudles and Chocolate Milk. Lunch was frozen chicken nuggets and baked fries. Wendy’s spicy chicken sandwich and fries for dinner.

I truly had no clue how to help myself. It’s like I knew that I should be watching what I eat – but I didn’t understand anything about healthy choices. Why was that kind of junk even in my house to begin with? I was too embarrassed to ask anyone for help and my entire family struggled with the same weight issues so I didn’t really have someone to show me what to do. As I continued to read my journals, they are filled with disappointment in myself, asking God why he was punishing me by making me be overweight. How it wasn’t fair. There were even some entries where I tried to strike a deal with God – you know, I’ll be really good and you can make me lose 5 pounds this week. Man, it breaks my heart to read those words. That desperation to be different from who I was. I wonder how many other people had those same feelings growing up and perhaps just didn’t document them. How many people still have these feelings?

To be honest, I had forgotten how unhappy I was during those years in my life. Not with my friends or family, but just with myself. And instead of asking for help – I just floundered around for so long by myself. Knowing I needed to change but having no idea how to do it – at least not in a way that was lasting. It took me most of my teenage years and a lot of my 20’s to find the courage to change and actually DO something to help myself. Instead of it requiring an amazing amount of strength and self determination – I found that making a decision to change my lifestyle and become educated about how to be healthy was really more of a surrender to myself and my previous lifestyle.

It was more about learning how to let go of how you’ve always been – and allowing the opportunity to be a “new you” shine through . Letting go of those pictures of you with braces and the unfortunate outfits. Letting go of that hairstyle that you didn’t know looked so ridiculous. Letting go of all those habits to just not talk about it and deal with it in your head. Letting go of those insults and comments people made to you because you were a chubby kid or teenager.

Honestly – it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It is something I still struggle with today. As I read through those entries in my journals, I wanted to go back to that girl who wrote them and give her a hug and wipe her tears away and tell her that she is not alone. I want to go back and tell her how to find the right information about being healthy – to explain that weight loss is not a miracle that happens to some people and not for others. To show her that making a few changes at a time can lead to a long lasting impact. And really – to tell her to stop being so scared of just trying. To stop writing and thinking about what she should do so much and just DO IT.

And it brings me full circle to where I am now in my life. Reading those entries makes me feel even more strongly that we have to help each other with our goals. And not keep quiet about them. Find people that have the same mind set and surround yourself with positivity. Because I didn’t let anyone in on how I felt about myself when I was younger – no one could ever help me. That was a big mistake and one that so many people are still making today – even in their adult lives. I used to think (even in college) that if I talked about weight loss or wanting to lose weight that people would see me as bigger than I already was. That I would be looked down on. I have no idea why I thought that – I guess my weight and my struggle to be healthier was something I buried deep inside me and talking about it made it more real and I wasn’t ready for that.

I have been more successful in my weight loss journey since I have opened up about it. This process has not only helped me physically look and feel better – but emotionally – it has been a positive adventure as well. One that I wouldn’t trade for anything because I have learned so much about myself from it. I wanted to share this today because I think so many people are out there trying to do this alone and I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to….finding someone who is excited about fitness, or excited about eating healthy things is a great place to start. Don’t feel like you have to find someone with the same weight loss goals as you – one of my biggest inspirations two and a half years ago was actually a co-worker turned friend who was already in excellent shape. She was just so excited about living a healthy lifestyle that it encouraged me to be that way as well. She didn’t look down at me and tell me I had a long way to go. She just was always up for working out, meeting up to eat meals we made at home, and being a great friend in the process.

So stop looking for someone else that has the same issues as you do, someone who can complain with you about your mutual disappointments – and look for people who have the same dreams that you do. Instead of focusing on how much weight you have to lose – think of it as how you want to be healthier. How you want to run a 5k. How you want to swim 10 laps without stopping. Focus on the cup being half full instead of the other way. This type of positivity is impossible to ignore. It will start making changes in your life, and in other peoples life like this ripple effect you can’t even begin to imagine. And it’s the sort of impact that is long-lasting, life changing, and something you’ll want to write about. You know, so you can go back in 10 years and read it, and realize how right you were.

dre and rj book

2010-10-25T11:34:00.001-04:00

Click here to view this photo book larger

And then it was Mrs.

2010-10-12T16:30:00.000-04:00

Well - time did fly by. Now the wedding was 2 weekends ago and I'm back to work. The wedding was amazing. Everything went pretty smoothly - a couple of funny kinks (well they weren't funny THEN, but they are now).

In the end - i had a blast. I got to see all my family in one place, all my friends in one place - and they were all there to witness a huge moment in my life. That is so special. I will hold on to that piece of 10/2/10 forever. If there is one thing that i had to pick out about my husband and I (weird to say that!!!) it's that we are deeply social people. As much as i may need my quiet time to regenerate - with too much downtime, it drains me. He is the same way - just with less of a need to regenerate on his own. So having so many people there with us on our wedding day was like fueling our fire.

I can't pick my favorite moment from the day. It was definitely not the part where the music stopped working as soon as it was my turn to walk down the aisle. haha

And it was probably not the moment my new niece stepped on the front of my wedding dress on the dance floor and tripped me so completely that i fell DOWN and spilled my wine all over the place. My mom said that she wasn't surprised that i hurt my left knee on my wedding day. She said that over the course of my life, i have always hurt my left knee. And it was just another pivotal moment in my life. It's almost a reminder to be humble in a lot of ways i guess. When things are good - like God literally knocking me down and saying, remember? Interesting.

Some of my favorite moments were having my best friends around me all day. To make me laugh, to make me smile, to chill me out. In the end, with all the make up, the hair, the wedding gown - i still just felt like me and that made me happy. I wasn't pretending to be anyone else, i wasn't putting on a show. I was just me - and everyone was excited to be there and share that moment.

As i walked up the aisle, i fought back tears - again, it was a humbling experience to see a sea of faces and smiles who already love you, or people who are ready to love you from your significant others side. I held on tightly to my dad, looking to him to steady myself. Walking down toward RJ - and i could see a million miles away tears in his eyes. And i had to tell myself - keep it together or you'll never get it back through the whole ceremony. I thought about Rj's shoes that i let him buy for the wedding - high top brown vans and that made me smile and remember that it was just Rj, and i was just me - and everything was good.

It's funny what gets you through those moments. A lot of things are a blur. Rj said "i do" too soon and it made everyone laugh. We exchanged roses. He kissed me - we strolled out of the chapel and rushed to the side of the building to spend a few moments together before we took pictures.

The reception was just 100's of conversations, pictures, smiling, laughing, dancing, meeting new people and seeing old friends. *sigh*

I could write a book of memories and moments from that day. I'm so glad that there are so many pictures to tell the stories that i won't get to tell.

I'm married!

Fast Forward One Week

2010-09-27T11:47:00.000-04:00

In one week - I hope to be enjoying the Mexican sun about now. Full from a late breakfast, feeling a bit more rested than i did the day before after the whirlwind of a wedding weekend.

It's funny how quickly the human mind transitions from count down of time, to fast forwarding of time. Strange how time can fly by when you turn around and look at it, and feel oppressive when you are looking down at it.

Everyone's favorite question this week: "Are you ready?" I decided my generic response would be "I will be on Saturday." You see, you have to think of generic responses during times like these. Times when things are changing, big moments. Like a move, a marriage, having a child, losing someone you love, etc. Because humans are humans and we generically ask questions of each other - and i'm sure some people really DO care, and others - it's just because it's how humans are. What you should do. Polite interest.

So it's good to be prepared with your appropriate responses. Sometimes they are witty, other times, sweet, but always short and to the point so you don't trap someone in a long conversation with they were only politely interested in the first place. Enough small talk to entertain each other on a walk between buildings to your office, or while you wait in line for a coffee. That's perfect.

Anymore than that then i start to feel overwhelmed because i do have so much to do before Saturday that if i try to honestly list it from memory, i'll have a meltdown. lol. So everytime those that are actually engaged and involved in my life and therefore my wedding ask for information, i have to refer to my wedding agenda which i wrote up and have continually updated for the last week or two. It's like my bible of things to do.

"Thou shalt not forget."

I'm working on things. I'll be happier when i'm not at working thinking about my agenda. Somehow - just looking at it makes me feel better. Like if i look at it long enough, things will get done without me having to do anything at all. And basically, i'm just ready for the action to start. You can only plan, and pre-plan, and be prepared with a plan for so long before you just need to run the race you know? And you'll be prepared because you DID plan for it (you wrote out an agenda, remember?) and you'll figure out the rest along the way because you'll already be in motion.

So right now - it's like a pause button has been hit, and i'm just on edge waiting for someone to press play, so i can just get this started. So that way, we can have a beautiful day, i can see all my friends and family and then....i can be enjoying my Mexican sunshine and Margarita.

Ahhh, fast forward.

Adia

2010-09-22T13:35:00.000-04:00

As i was listening to some music the other day, Angel, a Sarah McLachlan song, came on - and I was immediately reminded of her song Adia. Anytime i hear that song - i am not sure why, but i think of my best friend who i have known the longest in my life. We used to speak in lyrics to each other - like it was encrypted language that no one else would get. In a lot of ways - we were right. Songs always meant something different for us - and we analyzed the hell out of them during high school and made up our own meanings for the lyrics.

We still speak Lyric, even more than than a decade after highschool - this is still how we communicate during good and bad times. Now that she isn't sitting next to me in the church pew to just write a lyric phrase on the bulletin, we sometimes just text or email a line of a song to each other during the day or nite. Often times the next line of the lyric will be emailed back, almost like sending back the words "I understand. I'm here." without really saying that at all.

Lyrics are a beautiful language, and not everyone really appreciates them. That is one of the many things that have helped my best friend and i communicate over the years - when things happen and you are at a loss for words. Sometimes someone else has already said it better. And sometimes the words i come up with - don't make anything better no matter how hard i try. The heart has to heal itself, there is no magic cure. And there are so many different ways a heart can break. (on no, they don't break even) Only time - which sounds generic, can really heal you - and maybe a few meaningful lyrics from a well meaning friend.

Out of curiosity - I looked up this song on the internet and found the complete lyrics as well as a statement alluding to what this song is actually about. The article said that it was the artists attempt at an apology for falling in love, dating, and eventually marrying her best friends ex-boyfriend. What is even more ironic after reading that article is that situation has actually happened to me, but when i hear this song, i'm not reminded of the person that did that at all. There is a different song that makes me think of her, and it is one that she gave to me as an apology. It's funny how songs mean something different to everyone, isn't it?

For what it's worth, and for what this song means to me and that long time best friend, I'm sure she'll understand what i mean, even if the lyrics say something else. That's just how we do...

Adia I do believe I failed you
Adia I know I let you down
Don’t you know I tried so hard
To love you in my way
It’s easy let it go...
Adia I’m empty since you left me
Trying to find a way to carry on
I search myself and everyone
To see where we went wrong
’cause there’s no one left to finger
There’s no one here to blame
There’s no one left to talk to, honey
And there ain’t no one to buy our innocence
’cause we are born innocent
Believe me adia, we are still innocent
It’s easy, we all falter
Does it matter?
Adia I thought that we could make it
But I know I can’t change the way you feel
I leave you with your misery
A friend who won’t betray
I pull you from your tower
I take away your pain
And show you all the beauty you possess
If you’d only let yourself believe that
We are born innocent
Believe me adia, we are still innocent
It’s easy, we all falter, does it matter?
Believe me adia, we are still innocent
’cause we are born innocent
Adia we are still innocent
It’s easy, we all falter ... but does it matter?

A Mash Up

2010-09-15T10:05:00.002-04:00

This blog started as a sort of "reset" button from my last blog. I blogged fairly consistently between the age of 23-26 i think, and then i took a long break because everytime i'd go back to my blog site, I would end up reading past entries and it was during a really painful part of my life.

So i thought starting a new blog would be a good idea. Somewhere that i could be someone new. I find that this particular blogspace is sort of lonely. Not quite the community that my last one was, but perhaps that is my own fault of not reaching out more. I blog more consistently on facebook through the "notes" feature, but i tend to blog more there about fitness, nutrition, working out and my journey with all that. At one point i was posting that facebook blog on here as well...and then i just sort of stopped that and started using this blog again for "all those other thoughts."

But i guess, in a way - that is what a blog is for. Just whatever is going on for you in that moment. When you find a few minutes and you take hold of a thought and just have to write it down. Sometimes i wish i had a voice recorder on me at all times so i could hold on to an awesome phrase or thought i have while i'm walking to my car, or running. So many times i lose them before i have a moment to put them "on paper."

Today i'm thinking about how many rivers of thought i have going on in my mind right now. I'm thinking about teaching Turbo on Thursday and if people really like my class or not, I'm thinking about whether we're going to get our wedding favors delivered today and if i will like them. I'm thinking about the big project from the summer for work that is still not done. I'm thinking about my friends who also have a lot going on and how some of them are talking to me about it, and some of them arent...and i wonder what that means.

I'm also thinking about the next 10 pounds that i want to try and lose, and how i shouldn't really be too focused on it because i'm getting married in less than 3 weeks and i have enough to worry about. I'm also thinking about the 4 page wedding agenda i drafted yesterday and how much more i have left to do and how hard it is for me to let go of any of it and let someone else help me. Sometimes it's easier to do it yourself than to explain how to do it to someone else.

I'm thinking about how far away from God i feel sometimes, and i wonder if he misses me, too. And i wonder if he'll be as happy with who i've become as he was when i was so close to him growing up?

I'm thinking about the secrets that humans keep because we love each other. And i wonder if that's really all that healthy or just our way of not wanting to deal with other peoples opinions?

In the end - the title of this blog is perfect. My head is just like a big Mash Up right now - and i just needed to get a few spuds of it out so i could breathe a little. I'm feeling overwhelmed and at the same time, I feel nothing at all. Isn't that weird?

3 Weeks

2010-09-13T13:36:00.002-04:00

I'm caught between "hurry up already" and "I'm not ready!"

It's not cold feet, I couldn't be more sure of my decision to get married to RJ. I am excited, and nervous, overwhelmed, stressed, ready, nervous...did i say excited?

Just a lot of emotions swirling around round now and more than anything, it's really hard to focus. At work i start on a project and immediately get lost in thought about some random detail for the wedding. Then that leads me to another thought, and then another, then i have to make a list so i don't forget for later and oh yah - I'm at work. So back to that project.

I know i'm not being a very good employee right now - my mind is elsewhere these days, and i have feeling it will get worse before it gets better! I had my bachelorette party this weekend and it was so good to see old friends that i haven't seen in awhile and friends from work, school, etc. We enjoyed a nice dinner out and then went uptown to dance and drink sugary drinks. It's been so long since i've danced at a club - it was actually pretty fun, but it's one of those "once every few years" sort of things because i'm just not much of a "go to the club and dance" people. But for the nature of the celebration - it was perfect.

In addition to the wedding, i am just looking forward to a week of vacation and just really being able to focus on the here and now instead of always planning for this distant event in the future. I'm ready for weekends to be filled with seeing friends, family and projects for the house instead of with the caterer, or making notes about "the wedding agenda."

It's a weird time, because you sort of start to lose your identity in a way. All of a sudden conversations really aren't about YOU anymore, it's just about the wedding. You in a context of the wedding. And even though as human beings we all enjoy talking about ourselves - i have to say that i'll be happy to stop talking about wedding planning! I'll be happy to recount how wonderful the day was once it's over, and dispense advice to those taking the plunge...but it will be nice when all the stress involved with planning a big event will be over with and in the past.

We've had a few family drama moments - but strangely enough, not on my side of the family! It will be interesting when my family and his family collide. It will probably be weird and strange. But hopefully i wont be too stressed out about making sure everyone feels included. I have a nasty habit of being totally stressed about how everyone else is feeling and i tend to not be able to enjoy myself at events. So i'm going to work hard to take a few deep breaths that day and realize that everyone is attending because they love me, love RJ and are there to celebrate our day and I should just enjoy it and not worry about other people the whole time!

Easier said than done! Well - send some good thoughts my way on finding focus for the next few weeks. I'll be glad when i have a few days off to just be focused and get everything accomplished!

a few thoughts on magic.

2010-09-07T16:53:00.002-04:00

It felt like believing in magic. That's the best I can describe it. You know, falling in love for real. After falling in love and thinking it was real a few times before, I kept waiting for the hard truth to hit - the day you realize that you just thought it was love, but in reality - it was a case of the likes.

Then girl meets boy. He's nothing like she imagined. And yet, he's everything she needed. And boy meets girl and she's stubborn and tells him how it is. And for whatever reason - it works. They work.

And as one hang out session turns into an official dinner date, and a dinner date turns into spending time together after work everyday, and all of a sudden you aren't even thinking about dating anyone else and there is only him. And her. And it's magic because you never thought that could happen. Yet, right in front of your eyes, it is - love is happening.

He is sweet even though he denies it - she wears her heart on her sleeve even when she pretends she doesn't at first. They protect each other, brag on each other, and I's turn into We's and conversations about the future are all of a sudden inclusive and imagined together. It's magical because it feels like a fairy tale should. But it's real - love is happening.

And today - two people who found best friends in each other have also found love. And it's magical, because it feels so special even though it seems unlikely. Two people who found that just being honest and so blatantly themselves was the key to finally finding each other.

Boy meets girl. Girl meets boy. It's like magic, but love is happening. Right here, today.

This one is for you. All of you.

2010-08-16T12:21:00.003-04:00

Becoming an adult sort of happens upon you. It's not all at once, but a pile of events that start adding up. And as you deal with them, each time, you are a little more adult. Some of thees adult experiences can happen at a really young age...making us mature a little faster than the rest. It could be something as simple as becoming a leader at school or at church, or something more serious like losing a loved one.

Tiny little pieces of the puzzle coming together to create a bigger picture - one that looks like an adult if you look at it just right.

Some events are exciting, little getting your first or second career job. Buying a house. Adopting a puppy. Being asked to marry the person you love. Others are not so great - like learning that some people are total assholes (and that adults are assholes, too - not just middle schoolers like you hoped when you were 12). Learning that people around you may not be who they said they were. Figuring out you've been lied to, being stabbed in the back.

Good or bad, these events piling on top of each other forces the inner child out and starts making you feel more adult. I can't say i like it all the time. This weekend i have a variety of events happens to people around me and one actually happened to me and i just found myself thinking a million things.

After the first event, i found myself thinking about how blessed i was in my relationship because I finally met the right person. After the second event, i was thanking God that i still had my family members in my life - alive and well and i found myself getting a little teary eyed thinking about the day that i know will come - when my parents pass away. I can only hope that day is a long day from now. But i was thankful that God hasn't taken them from me yet. I am blessed.

The third event reminded me of the first event, and how terrible human beings can be to each other. Nasty words, criminal intentions, violence and no sense of remorse for some. I spent a lot of time thinking about my relationship now and how glad i was that i had gotten out of my last relationship which was not a good or happy situation. And i spent a lot of time feeling helpless and thinking about how words were never enough, and even though i could hug one person, i could only send letters in short sentences to the other - hoping and praying that a few of them would make it through the armor that is now there.

I see this armor in people all the time. But strange enough, I'm seeing it among people i'm closest to the most lately and i wonder: how did we get here? How did we become adults dealing with adult situations? And i want to hold them close to me and pull those bad memories away. Take away the pain and hurt and help them remember those good things about being an adult. But with every negative word, with those criminal intentions - violent or not, i see the armor solidify in front of me and i desperately put my hand on their hand praying that i can keep them here, on this side, with me. I don't want them to think it's too late. That they deserve less than they do, or that humans really are that terrible. I want to show them proof that they can take off that armor, and not be so frightened.

But it's hard after nights of violence. It's hard after harsh words and trust being broken, after believing someone is someone different - and seeing the harsh reality of that lie in front of them. It's hard for me to keep telling them it will be okay. Because right now, it's not okay. It's going to take awhile for it to be okay, and i want them to know i'll be holding their hands the whole time. Because i believe desperately that light will find them again, and they will want to take that heavy suit off, and try things again.

And after all this, my problem seems dumb. It seems trivial. And even though i'm having feelings of disappointment, anger and a general need to reiterate how right i've been all along - it just seems like a moot point. After all everyone else has been through, this is just a piece in my puzzle. The one that connects your head to your heart, you have to look closely. It's like an invisible line that connects every atom of your body to the next, and you can't break it. You can't change it's course.
It's a piece of you and it is your entire person. It's what makes this puzzle a picture, what holds it all together. And i realize that being angry doesn't change love. Being disappointed or wanting to say " i told you so" doesn't change love.

It's always there. And so there is forgiveness today. And sadness for those that i love that have been hurt in different ways. Those who's lives have been changed forever, in just a moment. Some in ways that no one will ever know. But i will. I do. And i'll carry the burden with them, my hand on theirs for as long as they want.

Falling from Nowhere

2010-08-10T16:27:00.002-04:00

It's oppressive, almost like a knife could cut through it. This feeling i have. But it's not always here, just sometimes when life starts feeling so heavy.

I'm almost 30 and sometimes i feel like my life isn't where i want it to be, and other times i feel so grateful that my life is what it is. I guess there are parts of my life that i'm extremely happy about...and others that my mind is changing about.

It's funny how people always think about what they want to "be" when they grow up. I think what i'm "being" is overrated right now. I think what i'm "being" is called underpaid sometimes, or really frustrating. And then, sometimes i'll get a feeling after i've truly helped someone and then it feels right. and good.

I know i'm just BEING dramatic, or tired. Or stressed out. About a million things and i can only name one every other day because i just can't find the words. People ask how they can help and i just don't have any way of letting people help me.

I remember in that little time capsule i made when i was all of 16 in highschool, when i stumbled upon it 13 years later the advice i gave to myself was "don't keep it all inside, remember to talk to people about it." I was thinking about those words of wisdom as i had to abruptly leave my office today to go outside for a walk because i felt like i was going to have a meltdown.

I felt the ball in the back of my throat - you know that feeling? The one that u convince yourself if you can swallow it back down that it will go away? God, that hurts. But it's worse to cry sometimes.

And by the time i've gone around the block once, I'm hot and my eyes aren't all watery anymore and I'm still not sure why i got so upset in the first place. That is all the more frustrating to me. That is BEING idiotic.

So i can't really name it. It's life that is stressing me out, mine in particular. Maybe i just figured i'd worry less about some things at this point in my life, or that i'd have more figured out. Turns out, sometimes i'm 16 again still trying to predict the future.

Summer Blues or Is It True?

2010-07-28T13:16:00.002-04:00

I have that nagging feeling inside. I've been stifling it for a little while. I'm not sure, but maybe i get the summer time blues. Let me explain. So i'm loving that it's warm outside and i don't need a jacket or gloves. But when it's warm outside, I have to fight the fact that for the first 21 summers of my life - I didn't have to work full time in an office every day of the summer. So i sit here, my feet itching to just not be at work.

Then i start thinking about whether i like work or not. And if i don't - then what would i like? And am i on the right track? Am i truly fulfilled with my career? And if the answer is no - what does that mean for me?

Now, backtrack. In the same breath I'm reminding myself i feel like this every summer. I have tons of projects to do, but i can't find my focus and i start to feel bored. Not because i don't have anything to do, but because i don't want to do any of it. And once the Fall/Spring starts, i get so busy that i forget all of these feelings.

So what's real and what's not? Is there something more? On days like today - I truly just want to go home and sleep. Or go to the pool and just lay out on one of those floaty things. I can't remember the last time i did that. I have too much on my plate.

This is one thing i'm sure of...*sigh*

The Next Days Aren't So Far Afterall

2010-07-19T13:19:00.003-04:00

If i were writing them - it might go something like this upon first try.

If someone were counting, it would be 75.
And at 15 that might have seemed like forever -
A summer time of waiting
But now it feels so close, like 75 might be day after tomorrow

The questions are the same, just from different people
Opinions from everyone, advice shelled out
I hear you

But behind all that buzzing conversation
I find myself clinging to one simple phrase
that i knew so long ago
the one that little girls practice
and teenagers swoon over before, during, and after a romantic movie
The part where i say "I do" and you do, too.

Pieces of marital advice, it's like people preparing you for the worst
And yet, this countdown feels like I'm ready to put that part behind me
And start a whole new chapter of firsts

I tried on the wedding band you had made for me with your mothers diamonds
and it felt like it should be on a prettier hand
but you told me that wasn't true in your own way

For the first time - I'm positive. There isn't a hesitation,
i know it's you and me. Forever. I Do.

aa

A little far out....

2010-07-05T09:04:00.003-04:00

I know that i tend to just write about working out or inspirations for being healthier on this blog...at least lately. But I've been having this weird feeling lately. Like i'm becoming an outsider in what used to be my circle of friends.

Not that they don't love me. But i just feel far away. When i do get invited to things - i feel like they are talking about all these times when I wasn't invited. So i don't know what's going on. And i have this sort of out of body feeling where i'm looking down at myself and just feel like i'm floating up, up and away from what's happening right there in front of me.

I try not to be upset about it. I'm sure it's not on purpose. I'm sure they haven't stopped loving me. But sometimes i think they do forget about me. Is it because I'm getting married? Is it because I live a few more miles up the road? Do i never cross their minds when they are thinking who to invite over? I mean - in the past, it would be weird if i wasn't there. Like if all of them were, and i wasn't. They would text me and call me and say "dre - where are you?"

Because I was part of that group. And honestly, i just feel like I haven't done anything different and for whatever reason, they've just forgotten about me. I don't get called for brunch. I don't get called for the cookout party they are having.

Is it wrong to expect an invitation even if they think i can't come? I always try to invite people even if i know they might have other plans. Because i never want anyone to feel left out. Because i can tell you from experience - it's not a very nice feeling.

Are my life choices separating me from my old friends? Am i isolating myself somehow? Do they not think i'm as fun as i used to be? Have i said "no" too many times? Or is this all in my head?

*sigh* I guess on the other side of this, I've been hanging out with new friends, too. It's like this divide - couple friends, single friends. Not really that my single friends are single - but it's like, the people that i used to hang out with before just sort of on my own. And then the new people in my life that the FI and I hang out with as couples. NOt that we don't hang out with the "single" friends together. Because, there are other couples in that group, too.

*sigh* It doesn't really make any sense. Just feeling sort of lonely, even though I'm not really alone.

All the reasons why....

2010-05-31T14:34:00.002-04:00

There have been absolute downpours all day today. Rain hammering down on the pavement from the rooftop of the building next to my office. I couldn't even force myself to walk over to the gym at lunch time for my usual workout.

I knew a girl once in highschool that loved it when it rained. I never understood her. I still don't. I hate the rain. I obviously know why we need rain - but it just makes everything so much more difficult. And for me - it sucks the energy out of me. It makes me squint when i'm driving in it and my hands hurt because i grip the steering wheel to tight. The bottoms of my pants get wet because i like to wear flats and they touch the ground just a bit.

The freshly cut grass gets washed into puddles that I always seem to find in my flip flops. And the side of my car is always slightly dirty when i accidentally rub against it to get out.

So yes - i hate rain. And today has been difficult since everyone else i know with a few minor exceptions have today off. So coming to work, in the rain, to sit in the office while it's raining and trying to be productive = me writing a blog about not being productive because it's raining.

It's a sick cycle, i know.

In other news - my fiancé started his new job today. He is already excited about his first project. That makes me endlessly happy. After more than a year of him being miserable at work, him having a fun project and some creative freedom at a company that appreciates him is really amazing.

I'm about to jet-set off to Orlando for a work conference. I'm pretty excited to see some old friends (former co-workers) and to hopefully get reinvigorated about the summer projects i have to work on here.

I wish i had something more interesting to say. But i'm just sort of lazy sleepy right now. Honestly, i just yawned.

Time to Change

2010-04-14T13:56:00.000-04:00

It's been warm weather lately and I finally found time to pull out my Rubbermaid bins of "summer clothes." The past 2 summers, I have opened up these bins and hung up about half the clothes stored in them because they didn't fit. It was depressing.

This last weekend as i started unfolding the clothes in the summer bin i decided i would try everything on again. Third time’s a charm - I finally can wear all my old clothes again! These clothes are the ones i bought when i had lost weight a few years back. The cute business capris from Ann Taylor and button up tops. Cute summer dresses and things with low cut backs. Man what a journey this has been.

Wow. I feel like I have a whole new wardrobe. Finally – I’m back on track and have a very tangible way of seeing it.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve always struggled with my weight. Losing weight the last time (which was about a year after college) seemed pretty easy because I was making such unhealthy choices before. Eating out all the time, buying cheap processed foods instead of cooking at home. So when I made changes to my diet and had a job that required me to be “on the go” for 12 hours at a time (I was a waitress) – I lost 25 pounds with relative ease.

When I gained the weight back (and then some) several years later – it felt like it happened overnight. But the truth is – weight gain doesn’t happen overnight. It happens when you are consistently making bad choices in your diet and your ignoring the need for consistent exercise in your life. Looking back, I remember putting on my pants and thinking they felt tighter. I remember deciding to grab something to eat “on the go” instead of bringing my lunch from home or cooking in the evening. I remember choosing chicken fingers and French fries and ranch dressing instead of a salad. It’s easy to ignore at first. Then you see a picture and you wonder when your arms starting looking so flabby or if you always had that double chin.

I know it because I’ve experienced it. I know what fat feels like. I know what losing weight and gaining it back feels like. I know what eating because you are stressed is like – and I understand how hard it is to change your habits so that things are different for you.

But most importantly, I also know what DOING something about it feels like. And it’s a choice you make. And you will make that choice all day long every day. The choice to get up and move, to meet friends for a walk instead of drinks, to try a restaurant with healthy choices vs something quick, a choice to change your order from a extra large mocha with whip to a cup of coffee with some skim milk or low fat creamer in it.

Ultimately – the choice is yours. And only you can take ownership of your life and your body. It’s your health – and if you want things to be different, you have to start acting differently. Your choices must change.

If you want to buy new clothes or fit into your old clothes (like I did) – then what are you changing about your life to get there?

I’ve lost some weight. I’ve met some of my goals. But I’m not done yet. I still have to KEEP making changes to my lifestyle to attain my long term goals. But it’s worth it. I’m worth it. Fitting into clothes that I’ve longingly looked at and continued to try on and not be able to button or zip up for 2 years is a HUGE milestone for me. And being able to do that made me go through my entire closet and get rid of everything that was too big for me now. What a change from last summer!

So for me – in order to move forward I have to learn to let go. On this journey – I’m not making any U Turns. And the only destination I have is something that is ahead – not behind me. So this weekend, I put all my clothes that were too big into a pile to take to Goodwill. I’m not going back. I will not wear those clothes again and there is absolutely NO reason to keep them around because that means that I don’t believe in myself and my ability to change my life forever.

I don’t know where you are on your journey. But if you are going to start moving forward (even if you’ve been spinning in circles for awhile) – you have to change something. That may mean letting go of something. That may mean adding something to your lifestyle. I can’t tell you that part – because you are in the driver’s seat and only you know what will get the car rolling again down your path.

But take control. DO something. Because just like gaining weight – LOSING weight and becoming more healthy doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a series of good choices you make that will take you where you need to go. And one day you WILL wake up and fit into those jeans or that dress again. And you’ll look back and say – “Man what a journey to get here” and you will be stronger, leaner, happier, and healthier than ever before.

Won’t that be worth it? And aren’t YOU worth it?

Tell me about your journey. Join me at http://teambeachbody.com/theotherdre and let me help you get to where you are going.

Blasting Through to Unchartered Territory

2010-04-06T11:53:00.002-04:00

I'm here to tell you that it's possible. "What's possible?" you may ask.

Anything.

Why? Because I'm living proof of it. And you can join me at any time. Let me tell you how.

Have a goal. Have you written it down? Are you committed to it? I use a Bodybugg and the online subscription program to help me keep track of my food intake and it tracks how many calories i'm burning each day so its a constant reminder of when i need to be pushing myself harder.

You may think that seems a little extreme - but I'm meeting my goals - are you meeting yours?

Today was my first goal date. 12 weeks ago i set out to lose 12 pounds. Now this was in addition to the 15 i'd already lost. But i needed to focus and setting a goal date and a goal loss was important for me to keep my focus. I set up my goal as 1 pound a week. Stop trying to pretend like you are on Biggest Loser! Unless your full time job is to work out and cook for yourself - you aren't going to have 10 pound weight loss weeks. Anywhere from 1/4-2 pounds of weight loss a week is considered healthy. You might have some big loss weeks along the way - that's great. Just don't set your goal as 4 pounds a week or something - that's not realistic.

So today i hit my 12 pound weight loss goal. And guess what? Today i came up with a new 12 week plan - and you guessed it. My goal is another 12 pounds. 12 pounds from my weight today puts me in what i like to call my "uncharted territory." This is a weight that i don't remember being in my adult life. So I'm excited and nervous. BUT i'm also focused on my goal. I wrote it down. It's in my calendar.

AND i have a plan.

So that's #2. Have a plan.

You following me?

#1: Think about a goal and then WRITE it down.
#2. Have a plan to get you there.

Here's my plan:
Continue my cardio workouts - this is MAINLY TurboKick ( TurboJam for those who like to work out at home - you can buy it from me if you are interested on my website or ask for details!),

Keep pushing through my weight lifting routine with ChaLEAN Extreme (again - this is a BeachBody product and i can tell you more if you are interested in this or something similar)

Incorporate Shakeology into my daily meals. I've used Shakeology before, but I wasn't consistent. So this week i started replacing one meal (breakfast) with Shakeology. I ended up losing 3.6 pound this week - and Shakeology was the thing i added, so i'm feeling good about it! Shakeology comes in chocolate or greenberry - and its a powder and you can mix it with water, milk (i use soy milk) and fruit or yogurt (i use half a banana and a tbsp of greek yogurt) and it's like a shake. Having a sweet tooth - I'm all over a chocolate shake in the morning. I just blend it and take it with me on the way to work.
Delicious, nutritious (it's the equivalent of going to the salad bar like 5 times in one drink!) and easy. Let me know if you want details. I have some samples coming in the mail in the next week if you'd like to try it!

And lastly, i'm going to stay with my preplanned meals. If you need ideas for how to shop and pre-plan and cook all your meal - check out my earlier "notes" on facebook for full details and ideas!

So - now i have a goal, i'm committed to it and i have a game plan.

My last piece of advice would be to tell someone about your goal and tell them your game plan. Why? Because it's human nature to want to fulfill what we've said outloud. It's easy to pretend like today "really wasn't my goal date" if i didn't hit my weight loss goal. But because i wrote it down, and i shared this with so many people - i felt committed to making sure i did everything i could to get here. Sharing it with your friends, family - or if you are like me THE WORLD via facebook - helps me stay on track.

I'm happy to listen to your goals and your game plan. Even if you just need to talk out your ideas, get some help on how to get there, or just someone to report your progress too. I know that I'm much more effective when I am helping other people. So helping you helps me stay on track.

Connect with me on Facebook or let me be your Beachbody coach by signing up with me (it's free - no worries) at my coach website.

Remember - SET YOUR GOAL! Commit to it. Write out your GAME PLAN. Share it.

Pretty soon you'll be achieving the impossible and exploring your uncharted territory as well. Believe it!

Make a Decision that Will Change Your Life

2010-03-30T13:11:00.001-04:00

Okay fellow readers, sorry for the delay. I'm sure your life gets crazy, too - right?

I wanted to share an exiting announcement in this weeks addition of my Fitness Journey Blog. But don't worry - it's relevant, and hopefully offers a little more assistance for those you who have been asking for tips, encouragement, etc. I definitely want to help!

So here goes - I now have an official website: Check it out!

As many of you know – this past year or so I’ve been spending more time in the gym, “working on my fitness” (as Fergie says) and in general, trying to lose weight and get fit. I’ve changed what I eat, how I eat and have continually become more involved with group exercise so that I can become stronger and healthier. Perhaps you have been following this Fitness Journey Blog here or via Facebook where I've been reflecting on what works, tips and providing encouragement each week for my readers! Check out my past blogs!

I have lost almost 30 pounds on this journey so far, and I’m not done yet! I certainly haven’t gotten to this place alone – there have been so many great people serving as motivators along my path - including each of you who have been reading! I’ve also found amazing workouts that really help me stay on track and get the most “bang for my buck.” I found the courage to became a Certified TurboKick instructor – and have been teaching 1-2 classes a week at my gym. I can’t believe that I’m teaching a group exercise class – it sounds like a different person has taken over my body! You know - my whole life, I always looked for a magic product to make me “thin” – but I grew tired of sitting around and waiting for something magical to happen. I realized that you have to work hard for your fitness goals just like you do your other dreams and goals in life!

So it dawned on me – why am I not incorporating this new passion for fitness into my long term goals?

I did something about that and I am now an Independent Beach Body Coach – so I’ve literally combined my career goals and my fitness goals into one job! I’m sharing this with you because I want to help if you have fitness related goals or questions. Whether your goal is to lose some weight, put on muscle, increase your endurance, flexibility or you are just looking for protein powder or healthy meal replacements – I can help! I can make recommendations for you based on your needs and interests and I also am a distributor of all BeachBody products - so you can actually HAVE the tools in your hands to start making progress on your fitness journey.

Since I’ve achieved success using BeachBody products like Turbo Jam (that’s the home version of TurboKick which I now instruct!), ChaLEAN Extreme, and Shakeology – I feel 100% confident that BeachBody offers quality products that can deliver results if you are serious about your goals! If you are interested at all in becoming healthier or just want to shake up your current workout a bit – I would love to be your fitness coach and help you make the best decisions for your fitness goals.

Check out my website to see all the products BeachBody has to offer, see my before and after pictures and read about my transformation story: Dre's Story

Team BeachBody has great web resources and it’s free to create a profile and it’s free for me to be your coach! You can use Team BeachBody to log your workouts to help create accountability and start your own transformation story! Add me as your Coach so I can keep up with you! You can select me by going to my website and choosing “Join Team BeachBody!” Scroll all the way to the bottom and select the free membership. A few simple steps later and you’ll be all set and I’ll be your Coach! There are no obligations when you sign up – I just want to help you on your journey, no matter where you are starting.

Some of the most popular Beachbody products are:
P90X with Tony Horton
TurboJam with Chalene Johnson (a personal fav of mine!)
Slim in 6
Insanity with Shaun T
Brazil Butt Lift with Leandro Carvalho (oooh la la!!)
10 Minute Trainer with Tony Horton
Hip Hop Abs with Shaun T

Check out Shakeology as well, it’s a personal fav! It’s a great new product that’s like going to the salad bar and filling your plate 5 times with veggies and fruit! I love it and am currently drinking it for breakfast every morning – no more horse pill multivitamins for me! :)

Let me know how I can help you on your own fitness journey - you are NOT alone! Check out my site and let me know what questions you have about any of BeachBody’s products – and I’m also happy to help you set your goals as well. Everyone starts in a unique place, but the important thing is to JUST KEEP MOVING!

Sincerely,

Dre

Independent BeachBody Coach
teambeachbody.com/theotherdre
Follow me on Twitter: TheOtherDRE
Email me: theotherdre@beachbodycoach.com

Send me a message on Facebook: Andrea Alford

My fitness journey is in PROGRESS - how about yours?

The No-Buts-About-it-In-Your-Face Partner

2010-03-18T22:34:00.004-04:00

If this week had a cheesy theme it'd be "Dre Goes Solo." Or "Dre & The Workout: Mono y Mono." (and i have no idea if i'm spelling that right.)

This week is spring break at the university where i work - so that means that the campus totally empties out and while my office was open Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday - we fortunately had today off and will have tomorrow off as well. I was looking forward to some time to catch up on projects, get a jump start on some upcoming presentations, etc. But what i hadn't really geared myself up for is that all of my accountability partners were somewhere else this week.

So no one down the hall asking me if i'm ready to hit the gym, or to recount to me what she ate yesterday and how she felt about it. No tweets from the next building with "pump you up" messages to help me mentally prepare for a solid healthy day. In fact, on Monday i so totally caved that i went out to eat with a co-worker and ordered something i would never order. I just hadn't mentally prepared myself to go it "alone."

But I trotted my solo buns over to the gym on Monday and I went to the same room where we usually do turbo and I put my cd in and did Round 39 all by myself. It's amazing how much easier it is when i'm not calling out cues the whole time! :) And then I came home and walked my puppy. That made me feel a LITTLE less terrible about my unfortunate eating decision for lunch.

On Tuesday, I had an evening meeting after work so i knew i had to incorporate working out into my day. I challenged myself to burn at least 300 calories as i didn't have a full hour to give to my workout since i had to get ready to go back into the office. I was pleased with my performance on el elliptical and knocked out almost 400 calories in about 40 minutes. I found the calorie burn challenge more appealing because it wasn't tied to a timer/count down - i was just pushing hard to burn calories. Gotta love my BodyBugg for helping me know EXACTLY how many calories i'm burning all the time.

Even after working out at lunch - I knew I still had ChaLEAN Extreme to complete after my evening meeting. I ended up sitting on the couch with my puppy watching a show until about 10pm and I got fed up with myself being lazy and forced myself to get OFF the couch and finish my workout for the day.

The whole week has been a struggle to motivate myself to work out. But i find it interesting at the same time to know what motivates me. Now, more than ever, I know i need the constant support of my accountability partners to keep me on track. I'm proud of myself for completing the workouts and hitting my calorie burn this week w/out their help - because in the end, we DO have to rely on ourselves to meet our goals.

But I have to recommend something, because i realized JUST how helpful it can be this week - find someone who will be on your team! It could be someone who has similar goals to you - whether it's to lose weight, gain muscle, look good in a two piece, run a marathon - whatever. Or it could be someone who inspires you because of their commitment. I sort of "cheat" and have several accountability partners. People who can relate to what i'm going through - but we are all on different paths in terms of our goals. It just so happened that this week - all of them were out of town! I'll have to ask them to rearrange their schedules and work around my health needs next time ;)

And do yourself a favor - believe me on this. Find someone who really truly is in this to win this. It does you NO good to have an accountability partner who will constantly listen/put up with your excuses, or someone who is always giving you excuses about not showing up, not eating right or sticking to the plan. Sure - we all mess up because um, we are human. But choose your partner/team carefully and make sure that you surround yourself with people who can cheer you on, cheer you up, tell you the truth, push you when you are done, and listen to you when you just need to talk it out before you work it out.

This means that maybe it's not your spouse, boyfriend, roommate or best friend who can be your accountability partner. Because sometimes we are TOO comfortable with these people and you let each other off the hook too easily. Or maybe these people are perfect for you because they know you so well and can call you on your bullcrap when no one else will. I can't tell you who to pick - but you have to find someone who creates a positive environment for themselves already - someone who is just as passionate about their goals as you are yours.

One great way to do this is by finding something that you love to do - and then get to know the people who are showing up for the same things! Chances are, you might already have a lot in common. So next time you go for a walk in your neighborhood - pay attention to who you always see. Or perhaps you are a treadmill rat - if you are like me, i'm a creature of habit so i always go to the same one. Or if you love group exercise, it's easy to spot the regulars (they are the ones who give you a weird look if you are in their spot - or is that just me?)

As usual - this whole thing is a journey and i'm still learning "stuff" about myself in this process. I always thought i was pretty independent, but apparently a little bit of support goes a long way for me. Another lesson learned is to mentally prepare for when i know i'm going to "be on my own" so i don't slack off. It's hard to stay on track for even the strongest and most dedicated person, but as i said last week ANY time spent on you is better than zero time. So make every moment count (and then find a partner who won't leave you hanging on that high five after you workout).

Points In Your Corner

2010-03-12T08:49:00.003-05:00

I've had one of those weeks that I'd label as "not my normal week." I didn't hit my calorie burn every single day which is not the norm for me. I didn't get to eat all my prepared meals for lunch which is not the norm for me. And i felt really tired this week which - you guessed it - is not the norm for me.

I also didn't get to write this post yesterday - which is not the norm for me. But last night, after i finished team teaching TurboKick, i literally had sweat dripping off me onto the gym floor and i thought to myself - I couldn't have pushed any harder tonight than i did. And i felt good about my workout. And i envisioned this last week being a boxing match and hearing the bell ding in my corner: Point for Dre.

It's at the end of these extra challenging weeks that i have to remind myself to re-focus. Notice the little things again to keep my goals on track.

So I've been doing ChaLEAN Extreme everyday - and I've noticed some changes happening. For those of you who aren't familiar with the program - it's a extreme circuit training program - dvds so you can do the weightlifting and cardio at home. I'm doing this in addition to my normal work outs (minus the weightlifting - CE is enough weights for me!).

When i started this program 3 weeks ago - we had to do pushups. I hate push ups. Chalene on the video always saysbefore we do them: "If you hate pushups, it's because you don't do pushups." So one of my goals is to love pushups by the end of this adventure. I have to say that i'm really wimpy when it comes to arm strength - so big girl pushups are a challenge. But I've noticed a small change this last week - and guess what? My push ups aren't QUITE as wimpy as they were 2 weeks ago and i may be able to try a few big girl pushups (not on my knees) next week. It's the small things, right?

So Fridays are my weigh in day - and after a week of not the norm - I was more than a little nervous about facing the scale today. I told my fiance last night to "think thin thoughts" for me. I woke up dreading the scale. I hate mornings like this. I often find myself looking forward to get on the scale because I believe i've worked hard enough to see a result I'll be happy with.

Today I lost .2 pounds. So it wasn't a big win. Then i remembered my own advice and took the time to measure today. I actually lost an inch from my waist, bust and arm. That's right. Another point for Dre and let's call it: Progress.

I often have to remind myself to follow my own advice - to remember that there are many ways to "win" this battle and every week winning looks and feels a little bit different.

Today i'm focused on the tiny changes creeping up on me.
Small wins:
A stronger push up (point for Dre)
Lifting heavier weights for the row exercise in burn circuit 2 for Chalean Extreme. (ding ding - another point)
Teaching my first full hour of Turbo Kick solo. And you know what? I made it. I didn't wimp out - i didn't lose my way and i remembered to smile and look up. (triple points for Dre)
Losing inches means my clothes fit better than they did a month ago. And overall - I feel good that each week i'm making strides (no matter how small) to be the better version of me that i have envisioned for myself. (ding, ding, ding!)

This is so important! It will always be a challenge to keep that vision of a better you within reach. Often times we lose sight of our goals when things get busy, or something else starts taking priority. But even during the hardest weeks to stay on track - you have to promise yourself to give it all you've got. Even if it's 20 minutes less than usual - or the weights aren't as heavy as they could be. Some effort is better than no effort at all and you HAVE to really embrace that to stick to your goals long term. If things get busy with family, work, friends - still make an effort - even if its small to work toward your vision of a better you. Don't have time to do an hour of cardio? Well, you have 10 minutes to run, right? Remember - something is better than nothing. And you are worth it.

Make a list of the little things that keep you going - keep stock of them and continue to add to the list. Seriously - write it down. If you don't have a clear vision in your mind of who you are becoming, then i challenge you to really take some time to see it. And find a way to hold onto it at all times. Sometimes my vision gets a little blurry - and I'm glad in those moments that i wrote it down, that i told my best friends and they are able to make things clear again. And this helps me keep going, even when it's tough.

Ding! It's a knockout.

Outside the Comfort Zone

2010-03-04T20:08:00.003-05:00

I use TweetDeck religiously.You should follow me there if you don't already @theotherdre.

Here's the thing - if you follow the right people, there is endless advice, encouragement and ideas to help you with your fitness or just life in general goals. One thing that really pushed me to make a change was seeing a quote from one of the people i follow. It was something like:

"How are you to grow if you don't push yourself beyond your comfort level?"

It was one of those quotes that really knocked the wind out of me. It made me realize that I'm the type of person who for the most part - stays in my comfort zone. I have attempted to change my life in terms of being fit so many times over the years. But what i wasn't willing to do - was be uncomfortable.

Seeing this quote forced me to accept that about myself. The awareness of it shook me to my core and i decided then and there that it was time to stop being so scared and just go for it. I realized that nothing will EVER change unless you are willing to try something different. Because if the same old thing was working - the fitness industry probably wouldn't be a billion dollar biz, right?

This past summer - I had been doing TurboKick classes for about a year and an instructor training was coming up at my gym. I had been encouraged by one of my fitness mentors and good friend (Lindy for those of you who know her!) to sign up. My first reaction was to laugh. Me? A fitness instructor? Right.

Then that little tweet popped up and changed my mind. I WILL sign up for instructor training. I will be nervous about it until it happens, I'll stay up biting my nails about it the night before and won't be able to eat breakfast because i'm so nervous the morning of. But you know what - I did it. Not only did i do it - but i passed!

Good job, Dre, I thought. I'll just put that little certification in my drawer and be happy that i challenged myself. But no - once again my friend Lindy encouraged me to start helping her teach class each week. I was terrified. I would watch the instructor training videos over and over, practice for hours, write down all the moves. Re-write them in bigger letters so i could bring them with me for class. I would start having butterflies the morning of and be totally shaking by 5pm when it was almost GO time.

Eventually Lindy put me on the fitness schedule as team teaching. So there it was in writing - my name with the word "TurboKick" beside it. WHAT? Who am i becoming? More so - who do other people think i am? I thought "they must be crazy."

Teaching a group exercise class has been another type of journey for me - I have to prepare and plan for it every week. The thing is - I have so much fun during TurboKick - and i want nothing more than someone else to love it and get their butt kicked as much as I do. But in order to really share that version of this workout - I needed something else. Some WOW.

So here - again, an opportunity to go to All Star Presenter Camp came up and it was a chance to practice, get feedback from a pro and the support of others who were also trying to step up their game. I signed up for it. Geez. I'm a nervous wreck again. Worried about how it's going to go - what will i have to do? What will people say?

But that's right - I did it anyway because i needed to push myself.

And again - a change happened in me. One that i wouldn't have gotten to as quickly if i hadn't moved myself outside of my comfort zone. I discovered things about myself that i honestly didn't know before. It was tearful, surprising and much needed.

I'm at the point in my life and in my journey where I've seen some progress. I've achieved some of my goals. But my heart and mind haven't caught up to my body. I still sometimes look in the mirror and I don't see myself as i am now. I still see that person i used to be. The person i have worked so hard to improve. At camp - we actually were videotaped teaching a portion of the class and we watched it. It forced me to see how others might see me. I realized for the FIRST - maybe I wasn't so bad.

I share these experiences with you so I can finally say:

Sometimes we have to take time out of our constant work outs, diets, day-to-day craziness and recognize our progress. We are our own worst critic - and sometimes we gotta tell that critic to take a hike so we can see ourselves in a new light. One that we've worked so hard for. We need to take a step back from the constant judgment of ourselves and really look.

The journey at this stage is both mental and physical - and we have to be strong in both ways. Let these two make peace with each other - and you'll start seeing so many great things about yourself that you never noticed before. And that's progress.

In the Inbetween

2010-03-03T12:02:00.003-05:00

So today's blog isn't about fitness so much. It's just about me and my thoughts because sometimes i have a decent one that sticks around for awhile and i just need to "put it on paper."

I got the rough draft of our wedding ceremony this morning and i just spent a few minutes looking at it. Digesting it. It all seems so far away and not real until you get something concrete like that from someone you don't know who has taken the time to write your ceremony out. So it's this document that has my name in it and RJ's. It's real. I know i never really forget - every day is a reminder in a good way when i see him. When i miss him, when we call each other on the phone to just say hello.

When i'm fighting off the viscous puppy that Rj wanted so badly and that i love truly and completely despite the disaster he leaves in his wake every single day.

Sometimes things get so busy, that i don't let myself enjoy the process. Planning a wedding is not so fun MOST of the time. It's exciting but only because i'm excited for it to actually happen and it just be for real.

I'm sort of over all the planning and coordinating and spending of the money. But i want us to have a beautiful day with all our friends and family that will be a great celebration of who we are. But reading over the draft of the ceremony today - i couldn't help but getting a little teary eyed thinking of how i'm going to be up in front in a pretty dress looking into RJ's eyes and repeating these very words in 7 months.

And then it floods over me that I'm fortunate to have found someone who i love so unconditionally. Someone who drives me crazy and makes me laugh hysterically all in the same day. Honestly, someone who can put up with me. Because i'm a nutjob sometimes - i know. And it takes a lot to put up with me. I guess that's really what it comes down to in love. Someone who can put up with your own brand of crazy.

How romantic. :)

We have a lot of "wedding" stuff to do this weekend, so i'm hopeful that we'll (read I'll) feel a bit more productive and i'll stop having anxiety dreams about forgetting to get my dress fitted, or forgetting to pick out music for the ceremony. *sigh*

Keep It Interesting - What haven't you tried?

2010-02-25T16:25:00.002-05:00

After a lot of careful thought - I decided to make an investment in a circuit training program. I did a lot of research, talked to people who had completed different versions and ended up going with ChaLEAN Extreme. Now, I'm probably a LITTLE biased because I heart Chalene Johnson and think that her workouts are fantastic (check them out at www.turbokick.com).

I'm at the point where, I'm doing almost everything I can to get healthy. I'm not perfect at it, but I prepare healthy meals, keep eating out at a minimum (good for the wallet and the belly), I have workouts scheduled on my outlook calendar/blackberry phone everyday to keep me aware of my fitness goals. I'll lose weight and then hit a plateau.

Don't you hate that? So i'm finally back at my "more normal weight" - you know, the one where you don't feel like you are enormous but you still want to lose a bit more. But this is where i always plateau. This is right around the weight i was in highschool and even then i wanted to lose 15 pounds or so.

Here i am again. This time - i had to ask myself, what is it that i am NOT doing. It was a little exasperating if i'm being honest. I definitely have those moments of "This is too hard." "I'm working hard and not seeing any results so I'll just quit."

But ultimately - I have come too far (AND SO HAVE YOU!) to quit now. If you give up on your workouts even for just a few days, coming back will be hard all over again. So just stay consistent.

This brings me to the whole "Keep it interesting" concept. I like variety in my workouts - I do TurboKick on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursday (one is a class I participate in, another is me practicing for when i actually teach the next day), Hip Hop Hustle on Tuesdays, and i was doing a little bit of weightlifting for my upper body 2x a week.

But i was just not impressed with myself when it came to the weight lifting. In the end - muscle burns fat. Just sitting here on my butt at my office I am literally going to burn more fat when i have more muscle. So i decided that i needed to not just switch things up - but to integrate something totally different into my fitness program.

ChaLEAN Extreme was my answer. I bought the program, got some starting weights and completed my fitness test over the weekend. I started circuit #1 on Monday and have been following her "workout calendar." So having ALMOST completed the first week of the program i have to say - this has gotta work. This is different enough from anything i was doing before that I'm SUPER curious to see the end result.

And curiosity in this case has me hooked. I'm curious if i stick with this and all the other things i'm doing to be healthy - will i finally break through? And oh my goodness - will i hit a new goal weight, body fat goal, and look pretty awesome this summer in a sleeveless top?

Well, I just might. So i've made the commitment to get up at 6am every morning to fit this into my schedule. I am NOT a morning person by the way. But that's what pushing yourself is all about. You have to be open to change to be changed.

If you are stuck, you've got to try something new to get out of it. Sometimes it might be a little scary, more of an investment than you initially wanted. Whatever the excuse, just push past it and make your move. What is it that you are NOT doing?

Why haven't you started doing it yet? Aren't you curious what could happen if you just tried it out? I'll be checking back in with results from ChaLEAN Extreme. And that's right - i'm 100% confident i'll see change. Because i'm open to it, i'm ready for it and i'm okay with working hard for it.

Off track? It's Okay! Now get moving.

2010-02-18T14:50:00.003-05:00

I make sure to blog on the day BEFORE i weigh in. Honestly, I don't want to have my time here impacted by the fact that i lost, gain or just held steady. As I've said before - this is not a sprint and so there will be some parts of the pathway that you move along easily, and others that will be more challenging. That's what I'm writing about today - those little excursions you might take that lead you away from your intended path.

So some weeks - you'll not lose weight because such and such happened. I've had an off week. And even though I haven't weighed and measured yet - I'm just expecting an off week in terms of weight loss/inches. BUT i'm okay with it.

WHAT?!?! you say??

Here's the thing - life happens. You can prepare as much as you want, and sometimes things just don't go your way. But that doesn't mean you should give up. It's so easy to have an off day or week and just say "to heck with this, it's not worth it."

PLEASE - Don't do this! Did you quit your job because you got a project that was hard or took more time than you wanted it to? Did you ever consider for a moment putting your kid up for adoption because despite all your efforts they just didn't meet your expectations?

So why are you being so hard on yourself when you aren't coming down equally as hard in other areas of your life? That's right - it's OKAY to mess up sometimes. Repeat that. Say it out loud. Do one better and tell someone else - because i'm telling you right now - It's okay to have a couple of off days.

What is NOT okay to do is give up on all the good work you've already put in just because it gets a little tough or your get sidetracked. Even if you just started to get serious about working out again, or eating healthy - maybe day one was great and day two was hard. It's OKAY!!!

I have never (and anyone who DOES tell you this is wrong) said that getting healthy is easy. It's a challenge. It requires time, effort, dedication, support and you know what else? It requires forgiveness.

So - if you haven't done this yet, I'm recommending that you take a moment out of your life today or this weekend and write yourself a letter. Here's mine. Give yourself permission to move forward. Tell yourself that what's in the past is in the past, and even though it'll be tough - you can forgive and forget. Move on toward who you really want to be. Forgive yourself. And keep forgiving yourself in this journey - but just make sure that you don't start making excuses for not getting back on track again.

Making excuses and forgiving yourself are TWO different things. So you ate a cookie, you enjoyed a piece of birthday cake, you had more wine or beer than you really should have. Okay - what's done is done. Start now - i mean RIGHT NOW! And do better.

Don't dwell on it. Acknowledge that you messed up - pull it together and eat something better for dinner tonight. Add an extra workout to your week. Do something positive for your body in return. It will say "thank you" even if the scale is a little evil on this week's weigh in day.

Keep moving. Literally. This can't be a journey if you aren't actually moving on way, shape or form!

The Journey: Creating the Small Victories for Yourself

2010-02-11T13:14:00.002-05:00

So last week I talked a little about the small victories. This week I'm thinking more about the wonderful little gifts i've experienced along the way.Sometimes we get in a rut when we don't lose the weight we wanted to lose on weigh in day. Or we try on that pair of pants that have been hanging in the closet waiting for us to just be skinny enough to work 'em a gain - and we're still not there. I'm here to say - that's okay. Keep going. You will get there. I still have a few more pants to conquer myself. So as much as i may be talking to you - i'm also reminding myself here.

Okay - first things first - you have to set yourself up to REALIZE the small victories. So if you are just weighing in every week, you really aren't helping yourself (or at least your self esteem) as much as you could be.

I recommend adding 2 things to your routine:
1) Start measuring. Measuring tapes are cheap and a great way to see progress even when it might not show up on the scale. I'm not an expert in all things measured or anything, but every week on weigh in day i measure my waist, hips, bust, thigh and bicep area. It makes you feel really cool after you do it for a month or so because you are like "wow - i've lost 4 inches!" (or something equally amazing).

2) Have your body composition measured. At my gym they have a little electronic body fat measurer (yes, very technical terminology i know). And you just put in your height, weight, male/female, age and then you hold on to it and it gives you a pretty decent estimate of your body fat % and how many pounds of lean mass you have.

I'll be honest - the first time i did this - i was appalled at my number. It made me feel like maybe i hadn't come all that far from the chubby middle school girl i was. But you have to start somewhere right? I made sure that i was alone, totally understood the instructions for how to work the device and then faced away from any area where someone might ACCIDENTALLY see any of my results (okay i still do this). I don't measure this on a weekly basis, although i could. But i do recommend adding this to something you do a semi regular basis.

Why? Well, because you can be losing weight and it might be muscle mass instead of fat. So you want to make sure you are losing fat and not just starving yourself and losing all the GOOD stuff you need in your body. In the long run - you want to be HEALTHY, not just skinny, right? So if you keep track of your body fat % you can see a more accurate picture of your health.

I measured my body fat again this week and i was pleased to see i had gone down 4% since the first time i checked it a few months ago. After doing a little reading and talking to some fitness guru's - I've been able to set a goal for myself based on my body fat % - not just pounds.

Here's the other biggie. I call it my "10 pounds and re-evaluate plan." I don't believe in setting goals that seem impossible. As i was cleaning out an old bin of writing a few weeks ago I ran across a note that i had written to myself about my goals. Sounds good, right? But i had set such an unrealistic goal for myself that no wonder it felt so impossible. No wonder i didn't get to that goal.

So now I set smaller goals so that i can celebrate small victories along the way. If you wait until you lose all 15, 25 or 50 pounds before you give yourself any sort of pat on the back - it might be a long lonely journey. Celebrate every victory! Every week, even a half pound is a victory. This journey is not something that will happen over night. It's more about you changing your life by adapting your lifestyle to be more healthy - and ultimately, you will end up being happier for it!

Even if you have 50 pounds or more to lose - don't even think about the 50 right now. Tell yourself your goal is to lose 10 pounds. When you lose 10 pounds, evaluate your situation - set up a new goal. Keep it manageable.

Don't forget - celebrate your victories! But i would avoid the bowl full of ice cream as your reward. What about a new shirt instead or a belt to hold up those now loose pants?

Until next week... :)

The Journey: Being Prepared means...PREPARING!!

2010-02-11T13:12:00.001-05:00

This is my 2nd entry (we'll get caught up soon!)

Thursday, February 4, 2010 at 12:24pm

Before I get into the whole Preparation thing I have to share this.

I usually have weigh in days on Friday. So today is Thursday and i just want to put it out there that i'm feeling good about this week BEFORE i've even gotten on the scale. It's hard - you want to see the number on the scale before you feel good about yourself. But i'm trying to take into consideration other things like - how my pants fit this morning. 6 months ago i couldn't even button them, today they were lose. Small victories along the way are some of the best rewards on this journey.

I think that a lot of people who are trying to lose weight, get fit, etc set themselves up for failure because you expect too much, too soon. I'm here to tell you - slow and steady wins this particular race.

Anyone can starve themselves for a week and drop a big number. But is that sustainable - is that how you want to live your life? I don't. I gotta be honest - i like to eat good food!

One of the best things i've done in this journey started about a year ago. It was simply a matter of preparing in advance. My then boyfriend (now fiance) and I both were trying to save on money and i wanted to try and eat better. So we decided we would start making a grocery list together and pick four meals and just split them. Each of us would eat the same meal twice during the week.

So if you're not following me:
1. Find someone who wants to get on this healthy train with you - make a commitment to shop together (YOU GET TO SPLIT YOUR GROCERY BILL IN HALF!!!)
2. Pick out 4 meals that look yummy and are healthy. (I suggest www.eatingwell.com, and www.cookinglight.com - they both have loads of yummy recipes. Salads, entrees, sides, etc)
3. Commit to spending a few hours together on the weekend or an evening where you cook all your meals together.
4. Invest in some tupperware and pre-portion all the meals. Take yours home, and the other person takes theirs home.
5. Now all you have to do is pop your pre made meal in the microwave/oven or just eat it if its a salad.

The great thing about this is - you know how many calories are in it - because you PICKED it in advance.It forces you to try new things because you don't want to eat the same things all the time. Sure you will find a few staple recipes - like chicken or tuna salad - and you can have fun mixing up the seasonings etc to give it a different spin.

We've been doing this for over a year. It's great because it costs a lot to shop alone and eat alone. If you can find a friend, co-worker, neighbor or your bf/gf, finance, wife/husband, sister, etc who wants to commit to be fit, you can dramatically lower your grocery bill. I spend an average of $50 at the grocery each week. Now this includes breakfast for 5 days, 8 meals (lunch and dinner), healthy snacks like yogurt, granola, 100 calorie popcorn, etc and drinks. It often includes household items as well - like shampoo or dog food for my puppy.

What i'm saying is - preparation can help you save money and be healthier. Now some of you may be thinking - 8 meals? That's not enough for Monday - Friday lunch and dinner. Well, here's the thing, last time i checked, i was human. Sometimes things come up and i need to go out with an employer for lunch or my friend is having a crisis and needs to meet for dinner. I allow myself 2 meals during the week to "go out." I still try to make decent choices. I love to go out to eat, so this helps me keep it in check in terms of healthy eating habits and spending money!

What about breakfast, you ask? We pick out a healthy breakfast and just eat the same thing all week long. Right now - we're on this bagel thins, turkey sausage and reduced fat cheese breakfast sandwich kick. It's delicious and under 300 calories (even with my coffee and reduced fat creamer).

So there is still a lot of room for personal taste here. Being prepared is the best thing you can do for your journey to be successful. Even if you aren't trying to lose weight - this idea is great for people looking to save money and time. And on the weekends - keep in check. Everything in moderation - but a little room for freedom and fun.

Don't forget to check in next time for more updates and tips on "The Journey" and check out my first entry from last week!

The Journey - Month 1

2010-02-11T13:11:00.001-05:00

I've been blogging more on facebook recently - so i thought i'd post it here too. This was my first entry....

Friday, January 29, 2010 at 9:23am

So - i started this journey way longer than a month ago - i feel like it's been a life time of working at it, and not working at it and then having to work harder due to my lack of motivation. But i figure that updating the world once in awhile might keep me on track - and maybe inspire others to do something about their situations as well.

For as long as i can remember I've wanted to lose weight. But in my adult life - i started understanding that it wasn't about being skinny - what i wanted was something bigger than that. I wanted to be fit.

There have been lots of ups and downs on this road. But i've really gotten back on track in 2010 and i'm feeling good about it. I've almost lost 25 pounds since i started "sort of" trying over the last year. As time progressed, I found myself in love with one workout in particular - Turbo Kick. So in love, that i actually went through the training to become a certified turbo kick instructor.

I think that was the first "real" decision i had made in a long time that would have a positive impact on my "be fit" goal. Now i'm team teaching a Turbo Kick class every Thursday - and it makes me butterflies in my stomach nervous, anxious, excited and pumped up all at the same time. It's something TOTALLY out of my comfort zone. But someone once told me that you can't really ever expect to grow unless you move out of your comfort zone and try something new. So here I am.

Honestly, I'm not where I need to be yet. I know that - but the word that always comes back up for me is "Journey" and this one is mine to travel, wherever it may take me. And i'm trying to hold on tight as I keep going - some weeks are victories and others I feel defeated. But i just have to keep moving because what happens when you just stay put? You get left behind.

So in this first month of 2010 - I've lost about 5 pounds so far. And i'm 6 away from my first goal. Don't be fooled - i have more goals beyond the first one. I like to break it down into more reachable goals - so i don't feel overwhelmed.

My Suggestions from the Journey so far:
1. If you have a goal - I'd recommend breaking it down into more "do-able" segments as well.
So if you have 50 pounds to lose - set your first goal as 10 pounds. And then when you get there,
have another goal of 10 pounds, etc. This will keep your confidence up!

2. Spend time searching for what one of my inspiring fitness gurus, Chalene Johnson, calls your "soul mate workout." If you don't love what you do - how will you ever keep it up? The journey is going to be tough enough without hating every step of the way.

Maybe i'll have some other inspiring tips along the way. But for now - I'm just gonna keep on moving!

Spam

2010-01-29T08:58:00.002-05:00

I'm not really sure why I bother with blogging. It definitely is like writing a letter and never mailing it. Which i have done many a time in my life. I used to belong to another blog community and i felt like i found like minded people there and it was nice to feel like someone out there was reading this. This site seems a little lonely. I know it's mostly because i don't have time to really add more people to my reading list - or comment. I miss my old blog world - but i'm just not sure going back would be the same.

So much has changed, and time has passed. People move on. I miss quiet nites where i could be alone with my thoughts and give the space and time for a really great blog entry to surface. Things feel crowded in the evenings now - like there is never enough time to get things accomplished. A race to see how many things can be checked off a list. It makes me tired. It's sad that i have to be downright sick to allow myself a day of laying around watching old movies and dozing off.

I'm torn between wanting to be the non-stop person, always on to the next thing. Planning out my days, checking my calendar to make sure nothing is already planned. Turning down offers to hang out last minute because i've been booked for awhile. It all feels very rehearsed. I went from no schedule whatsoever to being totally and completely scheduled. I think my work format has started to transfer over to my life outside of work - and honestly, as much as i LOVE my blackberry - it is probably due to my phone that i feel such a need to be scheduled.

Or maybe this is just life. And as we grow up - our ability to be spontaneous dims.

This Decade

2010-01-07T12:58:00.004-05:00

I started out this decade as a freshman in college. I remember over the holiday break for 99/00 I heard from one of my friends (still one of my friends) that he wouldn't be returning to college in the spring because he barely made grades enough for a GPA to be calculated. For whatever reason i remember sitting on my bed in my room in Danville, Kentucky thinking that him not being back at school in the spring would change the whole dynamic of college life. How would we all move on?

I remember contemplating whether i should try alcohol or not. Did that make me a bad person? I remember becoming involved in in Phi Mu and how no one had really figured out that i had a serious intellectual side yet because i was always a goof ball.

I remember one of my friends breaking up with his girlfriend back at home because they just couldn't stop the change that college brings. I remember him crying in my lap in my dorm room and me reading him this really sappy children's book trying to cheer him up.

I remember falling in love for the first time with a Canadian. And how happy and scary it was being in that situation. I remember being happy and not happy all in the same breath. I remember spending my holidays with him and his family in Canada and living in his little tiny room for several weeks during the summer and trying to figure out how to ride the bus since I didn't have a car.

I remember the friends that i made, kept, and lost during the last decade of my life. There are so few that started this decade with me and are still in that same spot at the end of it.

I recall moving from college to Canada to work full time on a temporary work visa. Having no friends and struggling with my decision to try and be "religious" again but not really understanding how to do that. Saving up to move to New Zealand - moving there with no job, no home, no transportation - just the idea that we would go to NZ and live for a year. I remember spending those 8 months struggling with my faith - reaching out to friends from back home that i hadn't talked to in way too long because they were my only connection to who i once was.

Those years were transformative years. The first 5 years of this past decade morphed me into a completely different person. The beginnings of an adult.

The last five years were me again struggling to figure out who i wanted to be. Being single again after not being single for so long and falling into love with the wrong person - again. Learning how to be mad and stay mad - how to know when it's time to move on. That's what i spent the next 3 years learning with both friendships and love.

And the last year has been about second chances, and being who i am regardless of how anyone else feels about it. Coming into my own. Being a prude when that's how i really feel - saying what i think like i used to when i was 16 and you said something i didn't like about God.

Again - wondering about my faith and talking to God, and remembering how to pray. Opening up to my sister and falling in love for the last time.

And now...2010, engaged. Living in a house where the discussion "could we have a family here" played a role in the selection. Starting a new job, well past my master's degree and starting new challenges like trying to be a fitness instructor.

I never would have guessed I'd be here. But it feels like the best version of my self in a long time, maybe ever. And we're not done yet.

All That I Said

2010-01-05T09:14:00.002-05:00

One of my projects over the holiday break was to unpack the guest room. The guest room is really like my "dressing room" because half my clothes are in the closet there and our dresser with clothes is also placed in that room. In addition, there are about 3 big rubbermaid bins just full of stuff.

Well, it looks like stuff to the common eye. I know better.

It's like everything in my life that was important enough to carry with me since I left home in kentucky. I packed those bins back in 2003 when my mom told me that when i came back from New Zealand, they would have already sold the house and moved. So i packed up all that "stuff" that usually your parents keep for you up in their attic. Like report cards from middle school and a copy of the hand drawn birthday invitations courtesy of yours truly for my 5th grade birthday party.

So when my dear fiance told me it was a project to unpack - I hesitated. Sorting through all that stuff again would take me a year. How to decide what to keep - what is trash, what is worth remembering and what am i not ready to forget yet?

I ended up starting this project at the very end of the break and i'm not anywhere near done. It will take me forever to truly finish. I think it's mostly because these boxes of "stuff" are literally boxes that i need to keep. Now - i agree that some it can go. Everytime i sort thru these boxes, i'm ready to let go of something.

But there are those stories and daydreams i wrote daily all through highschool, those painful entries about my struggle to be who God wanted me to be. The entries after my sister was born kept in a school journal when i was in elementary school. The account of my father telling us we were moving from my birthplace into a new city and i would have to make new friends when i was 10. How much it hurt when he moved a year before we did and i only got to see him on weekends.

In highschool, all the notes that I got from Genie and Jennifer and Sarah Biggs. Folded in crazy ways that i know i'll never figure out again. The art is lost on me. The funny pictures and sayins we had that i would forget about if i didn't have them stored away so i could read them again - later in life.

The terrible pictures of me from middle school. Braces, hairspray bangs and no clue how to apply makeup. Why did my mom let me wear that outfit? And i look at them now and am thankful that i turned out pretty okay, even though i still want to lose those 20 pounds.

1000's of cards i've gone through. Happy graduation - 3 times over. Highschool, College, Grad School. Finding my constants. The people that have been there through it all, or most of it. The birthday cards from my now deceased grandparents. My finger moving over the pen marks on their card - wondering if it will help me reconnect with them. Do i keep it? Does throwing it away make it trash? Or just something i have to let go of?

The pictures from past relationships - wondering what i was thinking. Who was i at that moment to be with them and them with me? I inspect my smile and wonder: Was i happy?

Keeping a few of the pics because I need to remember. I need to document my life. On paper. I need to keep a few momentos from even those darkest times to remind me of how far i've come. Looking around in this guest room - I see my engagement ring in my jewelry box, the envelope with a few copies of our engagement pictures, the new necklace RJ got me for christmas. This is my present. Things that aren't going in the box to be reviewed later. It's mine to keep out in the open and hang on the wall for others to see. The tears this time are because I'm happy, finally, with how things turned out.

And the tears as i continue to place items from these boxes into "keep" "trash" and "i'm not ready yet" are bittersweet. I see the flicker of an old photo - me and my friends. Friends who are still in my life. A chill runs through my body. I realize it's not the end of a road at all, it's just the wind at my back as I continue this journey.

I'm Missing You, Christmas

2009-12-18T15:16:00.000-05:00

Someone said to me today that they just weren't quite in the Christmas spirit yet, and they needed to get there. I was thinking something similar the other day on my commute back home from work. I find myself constantly switching radio stations looking for a song i like and two stations play nothing but Christmas music 24/7 these days. I quickly move past the stations and the other day i wondered why i was so quick to buzz past them. Like the thought of listening to Christmas music was absurd.

But today is one week away from Christmas. And i only realized that during lunch today when someone else said it out loud. One week and I'm still not ready to sing along with the Christmas songs. I remember over the last few years that Christmas has just felt so different than it used to. And maybe that is part of growing up - the constant battle for who's house it will be spent at, what should we bring for lunch or dinner, asking for wish lists and pushing our way through overcrowded stores to make sure everything is just right. And As a child, I knew about none of these things - it was just the holidays and there were parties and cookies to eat, random gifts to open and pretty cards in the mail. And one morning you just woke up really early because you wanted to and there were so many presents to unwrap and new toys to play with.

This Christmas will again be a race against time to do everything and be with everyone in a short period of time. And i'm feeling like I'm missing you, Christmas. Like an old friend. The one that used to be so easy to talk to - the one that didn't take any effort at all. It was just simple and honest and in the moment.

The last few years after Christmas day has ended and i'm lugging my suitcase and new gifts from my car to my house - i realize that somehow i've just forgotten everything. The whole reason for this holiday to begin with. And i feel burdened with this guilt of how in the struggle to spend time with everyone and do everything - I've forgotten to take a few moments to stop and just thank God for the best present he could ever give to me (and everyone else). And how without that gift - none of the beautiful things i remember about the holidays (or any day in fact) would be possible. They would lack hope, laughter and the wonderful forgiveness that God's gift to us provided.

So, it's true. I miss you Christmas. And i've missed the point more than a few times in my life when it comes to Christmas - and so this year, first and foremost I'm taking a moment or two to be thankful and more thoughtful about this season and what it really means. And just focusing on one gift, the one that matters most - the one i was given so long ago.

Dreaming of Days Past

2009-12-14T10:58:00.002-05:00

Well, for some reason i decided it would be a good idea to look up my exboyfriend from college on facebook. Something triggered it - I have a feeling it is my happiness that took me there. Made me curious. He was a good guy and I know that i made the right decision for both of us in ending the relationship - but i know i didn't do it the right way. I regret that.

I think i just wanted to make sure he's happy. We tried to be friends after we broke up. But i think for him it was more about waiting it out to see when i'd come back and for me i was really done. So whenever i would talk about going out and this and that - he would be angry when i wouldn't be around to talk. So we decided maybe we shouldn't talk for awhile. And now it's been almost 5 years and i'm pretty sure we'll never talk again. And that's okay. But you can't spend all of college dating someone, and living on the other side of the earth with someone and never think of them and wish them well.

So when facebook changed their privacy options - it opened up a small window of opportunity to see what once was hidden. So i looked at his facebook page and through a bit of detective skills figured out that he was with someone and he looked happy. And she looked happy and from the few interactions I saw it sounded like she meant it. Of course, this is all facebook message interpretation. But i was glad to see that he had found someone. It was funny because she didn't seem anything like me. That probably was a good thing.

Anyway, i guess seeking out the answer to my curiousity made me dream of him. I have dreamt of him before - and it's always the same type of dream. Everytime.

The dream is this (even though it is a difference sequence of events, or in a different place, etc everytime). I am in the same place as him again and he doesn't realize we've broken up and i've moved on. It's like i remember the events of the past 5 years, but he doesn't. And i have to go through that terrible break up all over again. Where i was so determined to not let myself be sweet talked back into the relationship that i was heartless and mean.

So last nights particular guilt fest was that we were moving back to New Zealand, and for some reason we were both going and he thought it was us going together again. So he kept trying to make plans for where we were going to live, what we were going to do, and i was trying to figure out a way to break it to him that i had moved on, that i wasn't going with him, it was just a weird coincidence that we both decided to go back. It was so frustrating and maddening. I hate when i have dreams like that.

*sigh*

I guess curiousity does kill the cat.

Sympathy Depression

2009-12-03T14:33:00.002-05:00

So I've heard of sympathy pains. Typically when a woman is pregnant, sometimes her husband will complain of similar aches and pains. It's a strange concept all around - but i seem to be extremely sympathetic to people around me.

I remember one time my college boyfriend twisted his ankle when we were outside playing basketball at my parents house over a holiday break. I was fine - but i remember later that day feeling extreme pain in my ankle. To the point where i was limping. Weird.

Recently, one of my co-workers has been complaining about serious knee pain (she had knee surgery in highschool or college) and then slowly, my knee started feeling like it was in pain all the time. I'd wake up inspecting it and wondering if i needed to go to the doctor. She went to see her surgeon over the thanksgiving break and she has a stress fracture. Hope my sympathy pains don't extend that far.

So now i think i'm experiencing sympathy depression. My fiance is totally miserable at his job, and has been for a year. But it's not exactly a great time to find a new job, even though he's been trying. So it's been a painful year in a lot of ways for him. He took a step down just to have a job when he relocated here a year ago thinking that he'd at least be making some money while he found something else. But it's just been a difficult market to find something better in the creative industry. So as the year has progressed, he's become more and more depressed about his work situation and i in turn am starting to feel depressed. He doesn't want to go to work in the morning - well neither do i. Nothing interesting happened at his work, well, nothing for me, either.

Boo.

I need to figure out a way to deflect other peoples pains and emotions from seeping under my skin. I mean - in a lot of way i think i'm having EMPATHY pains because it feels like i'm suffering from the same thing they are instead of just feeling bad that they are feeling bad.

My fiance said that one thing he noticed immediately about me is that i really take on the emotions of others. When someone else is upset, I'm upset, too - and i take things really hard when others aren't happy. So maybe it's just a personality trait i have. I guess sometimes it's a good thing - it probably makes me an excellent friend. :)

But it's sort of tiring - and ultimately, depressing in my current situation.

Dear Santa,
Please give my fiance a new job for Christmas.

Love,
Your empathetic little dre elf.

Without You When You're Here

2009-11-19T09:41:00.003-05:00

It's weird how you can live with someone, and still feel like you never see them. I guess i've experienced this with roommates before, but it's different when this person is the man you are going to marry.

He works 2:30-11:30pm, i work 8:30-5pm. So the weekdays are a bust. Dinner alone. TV at nite, alone. Teaching Yoshi tricks and "no bites" - alone. I was noticing last nite as i was looking at everyone's facebook updates about how it was such a perfect night to snuggle up with their hubby (or insert whatever term you want here) on the couch and watch tv.

It got me thinking that I've never really had a normal relationship. I had long distance relationships for a long time. And when i did live with one of my boyfriends when we were living abroad - it still was a not-normal situation because we were in a different country, out of our normal daily lives, etc.

And it was for a limited amount of time.

I figured that when my now fiance and i first started dating - him working evenings and me working days would give me the slow progression i needed to actually dating someone who lived down the street vs. another state. But now i'm kinda over the need for that slow progression and we both want "normal" (or at least our version of normal) in our lives right now.

He went out of town to visit old friends last weekend and i found myself sitting on the couch with the dog watching tv and being really lonely. I don't know how to not be with him on the weekends. Because that's our only time together. And this whole week has just felt so strange because i feel like its been two weeks since i've actually had more than an hour with him. And we live together!

It's not his fault. It's not my fault. It just sucks. And while i'm SO glad that we both are gainfully employed - it's so frustrating that we're never home at the same time. Then the weekends become this game of who made plans first, and all our commitments to family and friends and all of a sudden the weekend is over and we're back to eating dinner out of tupperware and sending texts messages so we actually feel like we talk during the day.

In some ways - i'm really proud of myself for wanting more. I've been really good at sheltering my feelings and keeping people outside of "what i need" my whole life when it comes to relationships. I guess that's why the long distance thing felt safe.

So i'm happy to have found someone that weekends aren't enough with. Someone that a phone conversation once a day doesn't fill my cup. I mean, it's definitely where we are right now - and until the economy changes our circumstances won't. Many people are worse off than we are - and i am 100% thankful for paying jobs regardless of the heartache it brings to both of us.

It's sort of bittersweet. Or ironic. I finally want to see someone everyday for dinner and breakfast and lunch and tv time and outside time and gym time - i'm finally open to all of that and not afraid of it, not afraid of sharing my entire life with the same person. And now that i finally found this person - he's right here, and we are still without each other so much of the time.

A Work in Progress

2009-11-10T12:33:00.005-05:00

So, having a dog is a lot of work. Having a puppy is like turning your world upside down.

Never have i worried so much about a little being in my house. Of course, I've taken care of other people's children and not that that isn't stressful at times - but in the end, they eventually go back home to their mothers and fathers.

Well this little puppy is with me for good. There is no break, no "wow, that was a long day" and going home to relax anymore. Now there are vet bills, and me worrying about him teething and trying to teach him right from wrong.

Establishing puppy talk such as:
"No bites!"
"Icy?"
"Where is squirrel?"
"Go find monkey!"
"Do your business!"

I feel like most the time i have no idea what i'm doing. I've never had so much constant responsibility. If something happens, I'm in charge. I'm always hoping nothing happens. If there is ever a tick - will i be able to figure out what i should do?

The nights of endless barking aren't as bas as they were at first. He's actually learning how to use the doggy door which has made the whole "Do your business" thing a lot easier. But he still barks and howls at everything. Especially me when I'm trying to do something else.

After a particularly terrible puppy evening a few weeks ago, my fiance said "If you can't handle this puppy - how will we ever have children?"

All i could think is "you are absolutely right. This is making me believe I'll be a terrible mother."

And i was disappointed in myself. Wondering where all my patience had gone. Wondering if i could ever have enough love and patience to deal with an actual human being depending on me for it's entire existence if i can't even put up with an over excitable puppy.

Is this a lesson learned? A warning?

And then i turn around to see him quietly nestled on one of my fiances pillow - sleeping and being so amazingly cute.

I see him tackling a tiny pumpkin and wondering what i ever did before we had him.

And i'm thinking how warm and exciting it is to start our family. And how patience isn't something you receive overnight - it's always a work in progress. And how one night he frustrates me, and the next I'm in love.

Welcome to our family, little Yoshi, my big brown bear!

Permission to be Beautiful

2009-11-04T16:16:00.004-05:00

Dear Self,
I give you permission to lose weight. I give you 100% support for feeling good about yourself, inside and out. I'm telling you it will be okay if people look at you and if someone might tell you you are pretty - it will be okay. It might even feel good.

I give you permission to forget the times in your life that you have felt ugly because you didn't like the way you looked, or someone else said something that made you feel bad about yourself. I allow you to look back on old pictures and laugh and realize that you are not that person anymore and to be happy that you have made progress.

I'm just letting you know that this fight is one you fight with yourself and no one else. In the end, only you are standing in our way. Your fear of being noticed, and your fear of it not being because someone is saying or thinking something nice is one that you can let go of now.

You have my permission to feel beautiful.

Love,
Me.

I think i've been standing in my own way for a long time. I have joked with some of my friends that i self sabotage - but i've been realizing lately that it's not a joke. I do it for real. I am catching myself trying to self-sabotage lately and I'm putting a stop to it. I'm one of those people who loves to be the center of attention and at the same time it has to be on my own terms. I am actually pretty shy if you were to look down deep into my soul.

I spent a lot of my life learning to laugh at myself and in the process ended up finding out that im pretty funny. And when people are laughing at me because i'm being funny - i'm happy with that. But in an instant, i'm feeling self conscious they are laughing at a joke ABOUT me and i realize - this quality of life and self confidence is no good unless i really feel 100% good about ME.

Inside and out. Some people say that it doesn't matter what's on the outside. I think that is how i've lived my life for the most part and it's been my excuse for not working to look the way i want to look. There is nothing wrong with working hard to feel good about yourself. And i need to stop being so scared of reaching my goal. Because then - what will i complain about? And what would it be like to just BE there instead of always just talking about it?

So...no more mind games. No more wondering. It's going to happen. And i'm going to like it.

My Time Capsule

2009-10-27T13:34:00.004-04:00

Over the weekend, my sister dropped by to pick up her dogs. We have been dogsitting every weekend this month! Not to mention WE just got our puppy on Saturday, so it's been a crazy weekend/week with so many new things happening.

But my sister said to me "I have something for you." So i'm thinking - okay, cool. She walks to her car and brings this plain manilla envelope in to me. And i said - what is it? She told me she had no clue and that it was left on her front door at her house. It hadn't been mailed - just dropped off. No note.

So i look inside and I see this folder that has been taped shut on all sides. And it has my friend from highschool's name printed on the tape to show that it hasn't been opened. And my name on the other side. On the tab of the file folder it reads: "Andreas Time Capsule"

Memories start flooding back to me. A project that one of my classes did in highschool at the end of sophomore year was a time capsule. We were supposed to open them together at our 10 year reunion.

I didn't go to our 10 year reunion.

Later in the day when i had some time to myself, i went through the folder. I found a lot of things - but what really overwhelmed me was a letter we wrote to ourselves. I wrote this on Saturday, May 17, 1997 to myself:

Dear Dre,
I didn't think this would be such a hard project to do. But i'm sitting here in the basement almost crying. I'm so scared to grow up. I mean, I'm just not ready for the world yet. Are you still scared? What's it like to fall in love, what's it like to hear someone call you mommy? Right now, school just seems to drain me. Four more days till I'm out of sophomore year. I'm scared to get older. I hope its not so bad.

*Then there is another paragraph about who my current crushes are and i'm just going to leave that out* ;) *

One thing. I hope that now that you (we're) older we/you/i still have lots of pals. Remember not to keep everything to yourself...let it out. Don't forget about poetry and writing stuff either. This year i compiled my poetry book, Mirror, Mirror. Hope you/i/we still remember. Remember to play the piano a lot too! I love the moonlight sonata and endless love by Lionel Richie.

Also...where's Eti (the turtle/sand creature) and Toby...or what about brownie, my bear? You still have all that stuff? I hope so.

This has also been my year of caps lock. Everything i write practically is in all caps (this letter is handwritte BTW so it's all written in capital letters).

Do you still love mexican food? Is Guadalajara still open in Danville? If so, go and get taco salad (beef) no guacamola w/ diet to drink. It's the best. And at the Outback Steakhouse I always get the alice springs chicken. And drop by the old church, k? Go and see the youth room and what's going on up there. Is there still a band? Where's Jamie Ward these days? Is jesse pope, josh/jeremy hughes or Jk Kurtz famous yet? If so, I saw them get started!! They were all my good pals. Well anyway...hope things are going extremely well for us now!! Remember to pray tonight! And to tell your friends and family you love them.

Love you,
Me.

Being 15 is so crazy. Reading a letter to yourself that you wrote at 15 - even crazier.

Mortgage: The beginning of a very long term relationship

2009-10-23T15:44:00.002-04:00

So on 10/31 - my lease is up with my apartment. I've turned in my notice. We've moved most of my stuff. Our bedrooms in the house where we will be living together are starting to look like actual furnished rooms and not empty spaces.

I've started putting little decorations in the nooks and crannies of our house - making it feel more like home. I'm still trying to remember that my bras are in the guest bedroom drawers and my gym clothes are in the office closet. I haven't found the right pattern for turning on the lights in the house so i'm never in the dark.

We moved my bed to our master bedroom and i feel like the present is more real than ever before. Or maybe it's just this vision of my future i'm having now that i see the "stuff" that i had at my own place now on the counter tops and bookshelves in this new home.

Our home.

I keep calling it "Rj's House" instead of our house because i'm not sure how it sounds yet to other people. Rj and I practice using the word "our." Our house. Our yard. Our new puppy. Our life.

It's weird not just being a "me" or "you" anymore. There is no "my place" anymore - it's ours. And yes, you can still come over to our place. :)

And i realized that i paid my last rent check this month. As i'm reviewing my bills for the month, I'm trying to figure out how I'm ( I mean we're) going to split up paying the mortgage, the gas bill, the cable/internet bill and all those other money sucking things.

I was about to update my Quicken online budget so instead of saying "rent" it would read as "mortgage." Moving in to his house (our house) is quickly becoming totally official. No more "we can stay at my place" or running to check the mail there. Pretty soon it's just going to be me and him and our house with our back yard. I'm going to start paying a mortgage on my house.

The mortgage seems more to me than just another bill. It's a symbol of the commitment we've made to each other in a very tangible sort of way. I can touch that money - I can see where it's going, i can look at the bill every month and see how many years we have a head of us, how it all starts with this first mortgage payment that we make together.

Officially sharing. It's the beginning of a very long term relationship with each other and our home.

The Make Believe

2009-10-21T10:30:00.003-04:00

When I was younger – I definitely wanted children. I was basically the most sought after babysitter in the land among my church. I was great with kids, and somehow I had this endless energy to run after them. One of my favorite games was “Ocean.” I told the kids that the whole house was an ocean and I would be the shark or I’d pick someone else to be the shark and we’d have to swim through the house avoiding other sea creatures and caverns, etc. It would turn into an hour of just running around in make believe and end with everyone passed out on the floor and red faced. It was fun for me and the kids.

I babysat all the way through highschool and college and then even some after college. But somewhere along the way – I decided that having children wasn’t something I particularly wanted anymore. I just seemed to have less patience, the games seemed like more of a hassle and the energy I once had vast amounts of vanished. Now, I didn’t turn into a terrible babysitter or anything, I still did a good job. I just felt like my heart wasn’t in it as much as it used to be. My family seemed shocked about my lack of interest in having children. Everyone in our family always has children. At least 2 or 3. I spent a lot of time feeling like the baa baa black sheep.

At the same time as this change of heart, I was dating someone new. I spent three years with him, and now that I look back…I realize that all the energy and enthusiasm I had for make believe and games and endless patience was being used in that relationship. I put all my energy and optimism into a really crappy situation and my powerful ability to “make believe” was used for thinking myself into a better situation instead of making up fun games for the kids I babysat. All the patience I had was now spent in my personal relationship instead of me being nice to others around me. It zapped me of my energy, and ultimately made me think that I didn’t want kids.

As soon as I ended that three year disaster, I started working on me again. I’d put myself last for a long time and I’d really forgotten who I was in the midst of trying to help someone else with their issues and problems. I started realizing the things that were important to me that I’d shoved aside – like family, faith, patience, marriage, commitment and truth. In my next relationship and the one I’m currently in now….I was able to bring my true self into it from the very beginning. I started the relationship out the right way – just being totally and completely me. As our relationship has progressed and we are now planning a wedding…we find ourselves in conversations about “well when we have kids” and making plans for now with the thought of “well when we have a kid” as a follow up.

I realized that being with the right person allows you to be you. From the dorky snort when things are really funny to admitting that you ate too much or that you really are scared to go into the attic by yourself – it’s all okay. And that when you finally are okay with you, and have embraced all the things that you want and love – maybe even the act of remembering what you once wanted when you were a little girl – you can really seriously be with someone who compliments all of those things.

I felt like a bad person for so long – that I had turned into some super adult who couldn’t fathom a thing such as “children.” And deep inside, I felt guilty about that and now I realize that the guilt came from not being true to myself. Not letting myself have the feelings and emotions that were really part of my make-up just made things worse. So this year has been about a lot of transitions and new beginnings for me. But it’s also been a lesson in remembering. Looking back and recalling the joy of rolling around in the floor playing robot with all those kids, being chased by a 3 year old shrilling shark, looking at my brother and his family and looking forward to having my own set of adorable children one day.

And knowing that now that I’m in the right situation, I can look forward to those things again – one day. And I can be happy that I’m not ignoring how I really feel anymore, I'm not pretending to be something i'm not because of who i'm dating.

It's good because I can look to the future and imagine our life. And I can see myself being the mom shark and letting the kids run around the house every now and again because it's fun. I’m not in a hurry to get there, and I’m happy with the one day at a time. It's just good to finally just be me.

I'll Miss You My Little Blackness

2009-10-19T09:13:00.003-04:00

We got little black dog when i was 14. She was the tiniest little thing ever. Full grown she was a whopping 10-11 pounds, so you can imagine her as a puppy. She fit in a little Easter basket when we first got her - i remember taking her picture in it on my floral bedspread and she just sat there - too little to even try and jump out.

She was black and red. A miniature dachshund. She had the cutest little white belly when we first got her. Never once did she ever snap at me or anyone. She loved to just be near you - sitting on the couch, in the recliner, laying in the floor. She had her favorite blankets that we kept scattered through our house and often times you'd find her buried in between the folds. She always liked to burrow in them to stay warm and secure.

At night, she'd always sleep in my little twin bed with me. She was a little fire pit, always so warm which was nice in the winter and terrible in the summer heat. It was always so frustrating because she could never jump on and off the bed, so you'd have to constantly put her down, pick her up - especially in the morning time when she wanted to be let 0ut.

I wish she could have slept next to me one more time. She was always such a good little cuddler. Whenever i'd visit my parents, she would follow me around into everyroom. Sit next to me every single chance and her tail would wag at the sound of my voice.

She was my little black dog. Duchess Mahogany Splendor. That was her registered name - we called her so many things. Duchess, Dutch, Blackness, Black Dog, Perro de Negro (i was taking spanish in high school right about the time we got her).

I loved her so much. 14 years. How could you not love someone who has been in your family for 14 years? I'm gonna miss her so much. Going back to my parents house and her not being there will be the hardest. i would always look for her first - and i'm so glad that everytime i saw her, i spent some time with her and told her how much i loved her and how good she was. Because she was.

I'll miss you black dog.

The Choices We Make

2009-10-15T12:24:00.002-04:00

We are from the same place
Share the same color of blue for eyes
We walk the same, i could pick you out of a crowd of legs
We heard all the same things on this journey to adulthood
But in the end, we find ourselves making different choices

Who am i to say you are wrong?
Who are you to say i am wrong?
We both read the same bible, pray to the same God
How are our understandings so different?

I am torn between feeling betrayed and loved deeply
Your perspective is one i find limited
and yet completely identify with at the same moment
We come from the same teaching

And yet - my heart doesn't know whether to break or burst
because i'm not sure i agree with you - on any of this
and would i re-write my future just to keep you happy?

Or am i pretending it doesn't matter to me? Or maybe it just doesn't -
And this choice is one i've already made

My heart is something only i can understand and i can't tell it to you
My spirit only carries the conversations that i have with Him, and you can't hear it
And you don't know my love and how my heart has already committed to
This Day Forward

And how to me - it is already done.

Why the Chicken Crossed the Road

2009-10-14T13:26:00.004-04:00

I have made plenty of bad decisions in my time. I absolutely believe I will make more bad decisions in the future.

But what I struggle with the most, is letting someone else figure out they are making a bad decision. I know, i know. Experience is the best teacher. But it is in my nature to try and save people. Save them from themselves, from the heartache, from the potential pain, from so many things that i've experienced myself.

Ultimately, it's me making a judgment call. It's me saying "I'm right." And i get that in the end, I don't really have a say. And there is a chance I'm wrong - there always is that chance. But i think when you are on the other side of the road waiting for the next person to cross - your vantage point could be clearer than theirs. But shouting "Come across now!!! It's safe!" to someone who thinks they don't have time to make it will probably sound like crazy advice from where they are standing.

What do they say? Hindsight is 20/20. I look back and see all the times i should have take that leap of faith and ventured across the road even if it did seem sort of scary at the time. Even if the sound of the oncoming car was overwhelmingly loud - even if i saw the smoke in the distance and it seemed like a speeding bullet. And i wonder how much farther along on the other side of this road would i be if i hadn't waited so long to just do it?

In the end, I can't go back and change things. And ultimately, I'm happy now with the side of the road i'm on. But i know that there are probably some scary jaywalks ahead of me, I'm not going to pretend that things will be perfect and clear from here on out.

But when i turn around and i look at those scattered on the other side...those that are still so hesitant to cross...I see them sticking one foot on the the roadway and immediately stepping back and I wonder - what is stopping them? What do they see coming in the distance that keeps them right where they are?

I keep stopping to yell "I'm right here - just cross the road. I'll keep an eye out for you" - but it falls on deaf ears.

Somehow the space between us is so manageable to me and yet so unfathomable to you. It's hard to trust me - when it's not my life. I understand that.

But i want better for you....I want you to see things from this side of road.

It's so much clearer over here. I swear it is.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

He finally figured out how.

The Secret Stress

2009-10-12T15:43:00.002-04:00

Apparently, i'm stressed out.

Perhaps it's a delayed reaction - because I don't really feel all that stressed out right now. After this week at work, things should calm down a bit and I'm experiencing a bit more time to breath and catch up than i was before.

Yet, every morning i'm waking up to a sore jaw. As i research my symptoms this morning on google - it seems that i have some version of TMJ. I have self diagnosed myself and have gone as far to write myself a prescription: Relax.

My fiance told me today that he wished i were more laid back. Well, me too, honestly. I work hard to appearing laid back, but those that know me really well know that I'm always thinking, always contemplating, always predicting and analyzing and making connections in my head. A machine that doesn't stop. And i guess it's started to work it's way from my brain into my jaw.

It's not a great feeling to feel like i've been punched in the face every morning when i wake up. My friend said that maybe i'm having stressful dreams. But last night i remember two things:

1.) I dreamt that we got a humidifier for our bedroom and that it was awesome.
2.) I dreamt that the next season of LOST started and i was a participant of sorts. My alarm went off just when i was getting to the good stuff!

So i don't really think either of those things are super stressful. Yet, my jaw had taken a beating apparently.

I'm in the process of moving again. Maybe that is stressing me out more than i think. But honestly - it's a good move and i have help and it's going to make life better. It's probably the last move i'll make for awhile so that should be a good feeling.

Yes, i'm planning a wedding, but things are going okay. No major stresses as of yet, although i'm sure I will have my moments.

I guess i need to connect to my psyche a bit more and figure out what it is that i'm so tensed up over. That, or a massage.

Do massage therapists work on jaw muscles?

One Year Ago and One Year from Now

2009-10-02T12:28:00.003-04:00

A year seems like a long time. Technically.

But then I think about where i was last year. Anticipating my now fiance's move back to town. Knowing that we had first connected four years ago and then he moved...and then we reconnected over the last summer via email and aim, text messaging. Wondering what would happen when he finally moved back. Would we be friends? Would it be more? Was i ready to move on after the last disaster of a relationship i had?

Meeting him out for a drink at Tyber Creek that night he got into town. His friends, and some of my friends. Us talking and him being excited about being back into town and me happy that he was back and things seemed to be going well. Then all of a sudden, hiking the next day with my friends. Dinner out mid week - cooking me dinner after work. Drinks on Saturday?

And now, all of a sudden, it's a year later. Beginning of October and i have a ring on my finger and am thinking about the next year of my life and how it will be spent planning our wedding and preparing for our marriage. And i wonder - wow, had did this all happen so fast and yet feel so absolutely right?

A year is not always a long time, but i guess it is sometimes just the right amount of time.

Time enough to grow up and leave old habits behind, time to distance ourselves from old stories and memories we don't want. Time to be scared about having feelings again, and time to fall in love anyway despite all your reasons why you shouldn't.

Time to finally feel good about loving someone and feel appreciated and time to learn how to just accept love and the good things that go with it. Time enough to realize that nothing is perfect, but you can still be perfect for each other.

This year has been good to me. And as i'm looking at the clock - this time on this day next year, i will be married. I will have posed for all the pictures, and i will have my loved ones around me celebrating with me. I will be on my way to the reception most likely - ready for my first dance with my husband and a toast with my friends and family.

I promise to remember this moment. This moment that is right in the middle of how far i've come and how far it will take me.

Engaged!

2009-09-17T16:34:00.004-04:00

I'm putting work on pause right now - even though i have so much to do. I just need a minute. or 5.

So - big catch up moment: I got engaged!

Life has been more of a whirlwind since then. It happened Sept 5, 2009. Seems like a good day to me. I loved it because as much as my fiance was so sure he would never surprise me - he did! He did have to catch me in a totally unguarded moment and i think it took us both by surprise. He asked me while i was vacuuming! lol

In the end, it was funny. And sweet because he just couldn't keep a secret any longer. And honestly - i'm glad it happened the way it did. Neither of us are huge romantics, and i think i take the most pleasure from those tiny sweet moments however unexpected they might be.

The ring is beautiful. More beautiful than i could ever imagine. It's funny how some people have every detail of "what they want" planned out before they even meet someone. I can't say i hadn't thought about what it would be like to meet the right person, what it might be like to be given a token of someone's love...but i really hadn't considered it too deeply.

Now that i have all this planning to do - i'm being forced into making decisions about so many things. I think i'm already not a fan of all this planning. But my hope is to get most of it done in advance so then it's not such a hassle at the end. I guess i'll be taking this one day at a time!

I never wear much jewlery - so it's been a bit of an adjustment. But i feel this deep attachment to it - i guess because it's just a symbol of what's next and this new chapter in my life.

I wonder if i'll ever just not pay attention to it or think twice about it. It's just so new. And i want to do everything right now and at the very same time not do anything at all. lol

I have a whole year to plan - so it won't be so bad. Plenty of time. Just trying to enjoy the moment while it's mine.

The Weaker Muscle

2009-08-31T16:42:00.002-04:00

Despite not feeling super inspired to blog all the time, i'm still trying to force my creative hand.

I was thinking about how i used to write pages upon pages every day. I'm sure if i dug into that old worn cardboard box that is taped shut (for good reason) i'd probably be overwhelmed by the teenage angst that seeps from the pages. It used to help me so much to write everything out - and sometimes i feel like i used up all those creative juices early on and have been kind of running on empty since college.

I just started another good book - one that has potential to turn me on to a new author, which is something that doesn't happen very often. As i read books like this, it makes me miss writing. Makes me miss the act of entertaining someone with thoughtful or funny stories. And i feel inspired for like 10 seconds and usually that isn't enough time to get my slower than a snail computer to turn on in order for me to type while i'm still feeling that energy running through my blood.

I know - I should just take a journal with me and that way i always have it nearby to write in. Technology does stifle us sometimes i guess. But i've gotten out of the habit of writing with pen and paper. I probably type about 5 times as fast as i can write - so it just seems to take so long to write it down (literally).

And after typing that - i feel pretty lazy. lol

Either way - few of us strike gold upon first efforts and I keep on telling myself that if i just keep on plugging away, it'll come back to me. I gotta believe...

1991

2009-08-19T14:59:00.002-04:00

A moment to breathe inside this craziness. Friday marks the move in of a new year of college students. This morning in our presidents opening address he told us non-mathematicians that this years college class were born in 1991. I remember 1991 very vividly. I would have just turned 11. I have a memory of walking into my parents bedroom and sitting on the bed and watching tv and wondering to myself what the next school year would be like. I had just moved the previous spring into a new school system in the middle of my 4th grade year. I hadn't been super successful at making friends and was determined to read books during all my spare time so i wouldn't have to feel lonely for my old school, old friends and the comfort of the familiar.

But summer time brought a new haircut (finally, my mother relinquished control over my hairstyles so i could DISCONTINUE the mullet), new clothes, a fresh tan (i actually tanned when i was younger) and a brand new pink and purple pencil box. 5th grade turned out to be awesome. I usually refer to it as the year i decided i would be funny. It worked.

So in the year i was coming into my own personality, taking control over some aspects of my appearance or at least starting to care about it - these freshman were just being born.

Working at a university keeps people young - at least that is what a lot of people tell me. I can see how, because no matter what years you remember vividly it's vital that you know what's going on RIGHT now in the worlds of 17-22 year olds. And you have no choice but to sing along to that new Black Eyed Peas song or tweet and use all consonants letters to send messages to others.

In the past, the time gap between when i was born and the incoming class didn't impact me much. But 1991 - that's a clear memory for me in terms of what was going on in my mind at that point in my life. The details are a bit more hazy beyond that. So it's stuck out to me this time around. Makes me feel a bit older and leaves me wondering if i'm any wiser for the extra decade that separates us, or if that's all just in my head.

As the new year starts, i'm thinking about how i'll remember this moment that made me feel a spark of maturity in my life after the next 10 years. What will i have figured out by then? Or will i still be singing songs to pop radio and blogging about trivial things?

A lot about changing lately....

2009-08-13T15:08:00.003-04:00

Okay. I've not been very good about blogging lately. I'm trying to get away from that old saying that the best writing comes from the tormented. But honestly, it's hard to write consistently (at least for me) during times in my life where i'm feeling content. But on the other hand - i don't want to look back on my blog life and just see chapter upon chapter of sad and depressed. Because that's not really what my life is like. I just tend to document the bad stuff. Which is really quite sad.

Because i've been thinking a lot lately about happiness. And the future. And how in just one short year, my whole life has been flipped upsidedown and for once - i made the right decision for myself. I always joke that i'm right about 99% of the time (which is for the most part true ;) ) But ultimately, we've all made some bad decisions. Which i guess *sigh* means that i was probably wrong some of the time.

Either way - my point is that sometimes making those really gut wrenching this will change the direction my life is going choices is really the best medicine for someone in between a rock and a hard place. I mean - you got there by sort of wedging yourself in, perhaps trying to find some comfort in that weird spot. But the only way out is probably going to be a bit painful, it might leave some bruises or scratches. It might even leave a scar.

But being in the open - with no rock and no hard place in sight, it's like magic. A gulp of really fresh air when you've been indoors too long.

I've been reading a few friends blogs, and of course, talking to friends over the phone, the internet or in person. It seems like everyone is always talking about changing - it happening, it not happening, our refusal to let it happen (it will happen anyway).

Change is neccessary. Seasons change. There is day and night. There are clouds on some days and bright sunshine the next. There is a high tide, a low tide, and sometime no tide at all. The undertow sweeps one person away and is gone immediately. All around us - change is happening, and most of the time that change around us is actually TO us. Or in some peoples opinion - AT us. Like an attack.

It's unnatural to not change. I mean they have how many tv shows about people who are stuck in the past that need to be updated because they just look crazy dressing that way? Change is good. It keeps us moving, keeps us from growing stagnant in our lives, in our thoughts.

And even though its painful sometimes, change is the cure. On the other side of a really painful change - i have no choice but to be an advocate for change. Because it's brought me a new beginning and happiness that i didnt even know existed before.

So what if i had refused to change? If i allowed myself to stay wedged between that rock and hard place - waiting for it to just start feeling better instead of doing something about my situation? I would not be here. Literally. I would not be sitting at this computer writing this blog to you. Because i'd still be there - in that chair in a different city being miserable about several different situations in my life.

We have to open ourselves up to the danger of change. Let it consume us, let it reveal itself to us over time without us shoving it forward on our own paths or at our own speed.

It's like a train that you have to jump on - wind in your face, off to a new place. Or else you get left behind.

5:01 and counting

2009-07-06T17:01:00.002-04:00

So today is the first day back in the office after what most people might refer to as "the long weekend." I'm sad to say that my place of work didn't give us any sort of "holiday" time for the July 4th weekend. Call me greedy - but time off is like giving me gold. Especially during the summer when all i can do is sit here and look out my office window longingly at the parking lot...no wait....the beautiful sun beckoning me to "Come outside and play."

It's honestly not my fault that when i do go outside i'm instantly hot and have to go inside instead. But still. Being inside and NOT at work is much better than inside and at work. Either way - i have a window.

So now its just a tid bit after 5 and as i watch all my friends log off their AIMs I settle in for the longest part of the day...the last 30 minutes. It's that time period where i don't want to start anything new because well...let's face it, i'm totally useless at this point in the day. And starting new is also just wasting time - albiet probably more of a waste of my time than anything else. I'm sure the company wouldn't agree with me on that one. But i know myself pretty well - and believe me, training me to do work related things after 5pm is like trying to reprogram your automatic a/c unit at home. Impossible.

So i figure i'll blog for a few minutes and feel like i did the best thing i could do with my given situation.

The weekend recap was pretty good.

Lunch with my bf after my work out. Granted, i found some piece of hair in my salad so i didn't finish it.

After that we did our grocery shopping as he had the evening off which was nice and then we actually had DATE nite. We went to a nice italian restaurant that we love and had an appetizer and a bottle of wine. Yum!

Unfortunately I ate a form of pork (i never eat pork) and it made me a little sickly. Oh well, it was delicious for a few moments at least. :)

Next - a few drinks with our friends on their new deck. Nice way to end the nite!

On Saturday morning - we went out to our fav little place for breakfast and i finally decided to order the blueberry pancakes. I always want the blueberry pancakes but when they tell me their specials i get this feeling of "I HAVE to order the special - they may never have it again" but this time i was committed to the pancakes. TOTALLY worth it.

We then wasted a lot of time which is unusual for us with our typical nonstop weekend plans. We managed to spend a combined $75 at target at what should have been a quick trip in to get deoderant and chap stick. Target is like a black hole for me. When i walk in I almost never make it out alive. Or with any of the cash i had going in.

We debated a movie - enough to actually walk in to the theatre and then feel totally ambivalent about all the options and walked out. After this i lose track of time for a bit. But at some point we met up with our friends for a July 4th cookout and fireworks (by RJ mind you).

After a near close encounter with explosives - we have decided that next year we'll stick with the pop rockets and sparklers and leave the big guns for the experienced (this story involves me diving onto the porch for those of you who wish to ask later).

Sunday was sleeping in super late, eating mexcian (a weekend ritual), and cooking all our meals. Also the last weekend of total debauchery. 30 day challenge starts today!

Overall - fun weekend. And i have vacation days this week! WOOT!

Melt Down

2009-07-03T10:03:00.002-04:00

Well - when you start a blog, you always have high hopes that it will be funny, charming and all the things you look for in a significant other. haha

But then as your blogging life continues - you realize that life isn't always funny and charming. And it's hard to be at your best all the time.

So this morning i had a melt down. I guess i've been on the brink of it for awhile. I've been working out and cooking healthy meals, limiting my snacking to healthy snacks and correct portions. I've been doing this for about a month or so now. And the last three weeks have been sort of a "well i didn't lose any but i didn't gain any" result and i kept telling myself that i'm probably just putting on a bit of muscle and my body is going to start really responding here soon. But it's been hard. Every other time in my life when i've put THIS much effort into being healthy - I've seen a pretty steady drop in my weight.

But today - stepped on the scale and i'm 1.8 pounds heavier than i was last week. I mean - almost two pounds? *sigh*

It's just so frustrating. So hard to keep my chin up and to keep trying to make better choices and push myself to work out even when i really just want to go home and do nothing. And then to work that hard and GAIN weight?

Its just hard to find the motivation in that to continue. Ultimately, i am going to continue to try. I have to because i want to be healthy and i want to be happy. On sunday i'll be starting the 30 Day Shakeology Challenge with a few friends. It's basically a healthy meal replacement that is equal to all your fruits and veggie needs in one shake. So i am going to start doing that and i think i'll replace my dinner with it this week. My only thought is that maybe i need to reconsider my big meal timing. Move it more to breakfast/lunch and do the shake for dinner.

Who knows. I just know i have to keep trying. Tears before 8am are not fun. I'm determined to be who i know i can be and be the healthier, happier version of myself that i was a little over a year and a half ago.

Where did that gal go?

The Credit Burden

2009-07-01T09:41:00.002-04:00

I have always been good with my credit cards. My parents helped me establish good credit during college and I've always "respected the plastic."

Due to a few unlucky housing situations and a string of long distance relationships and getting paid peanuts at my last job, I unfortunately drummed up a bit of debt for myself. Now - I have to say that i fortunately have no student debt, i own my car (a beat up geo that i paid cash for 4 years ago) and becos of the old car, my car insurance is pretty low as well.

So when i say i have debt - i'm not talking about 10's of thousands of dollars. But enough to give me worry because i feel like owing anyone is a burden. It's always on my mind. I have 3 credit cards, and i recently paid off one of them by utilizing my tax refund and some extra money i received for presenting at a conference. So i think i've been pretty responsible about using the "extra" money in my life to pay my debts. Literally.

As i've gotten older - i've realized how important it is to be in control of your finances. There for awhile - i just felt like this happy go lucky sense of "everything will work out, it always does." But now i live in my own place and am totally responsible for the bills coming to my name and my address. And i made a new years resolution to really start paying attention to my budget so i can make a dent in my credit cards and start focusing on SAVING money instead of paying off debts.

I got a free online account with Quicken - and it connects with my bank account and i can go in and categorize my spending, create budgets for certain categories and see the trend of my spending. It's been a big wake up call for me.

I've made some major changes in my spending habits. The biggest thing i've found that has helped is that i do NOT make any online purchases with my credit card with the promise to "pay it off later." That always turned into me deciding i didn't really have the money to pay it off from my paycheck that month and so i'd pay a little bit of it and then start paying interest anyway. It was a slippery slope.

So now - if i really want to buy something online or buy someone a gift off a registry online, etc - I simply use my debit card so it comes straight from my bank account. This way - there is no "i'll pay it off later" because it's being paid for immediately. So if i don't have the money in my account - i shouldn't be buying it anyway.

This new mentality kicked me in the pants a few times at first and now i'm much more in tune with what i can spend when i'm not living on the cushion of credit.

I also have started grocery shopping with my boyfriend. This means we pre-plan our meals, make a list (check it twice) and we only shop ONCE a week. This has majorly impacted my budget, but in a positive way. Before, grocery shopping was a roller coaster bill. Some times i'd go in and spend 100 bucks, and i'd end up eating out more than i should and throwing away good food.

Now i've limited that by pre-planning my meals and only budgeting for 2 meals "out."

Weekends are my only wild card now - but i've been able to keep things in check.

While i'm being paid more at my new job - we've been having "furlough days" so my paychecks since Christmas have been smaller than normal. I've basically been getting paid 140 bucks less each month which really adds up quickly!

But things are looking up as today as the first paycheck of the new fiscal year and we get full checks again - so now i'm in a position to double what i pay to my credit card each pay period and not even feel the impact in my budget.

So - God willing nothing happens unexpectedly in the next month - I should be debt free by August 1. And then after that i can start using the money i was paying toward debt to start saving for the future.

My future already feels brighter - just knowing i'm on the cusp of a major accomplishment - one that has been YEARS in the making.

YAY!!!

The Power Within....right?

2009-06-29T14:01:00.002-04:00

So - like 1000's of human beings everywhere, I'm trying to lose some weight. I've been pretty steadily working out, lifting weights and trying to eat better for the last month or so. Unfortunately, I haven't seen a lot of loss weight wise. But i'm holding out as i know in the end - working out and eating well will win out.

It's the weekends that kill me though. Especially this last weekend - you can entitle it "Vacation with the Fatty McFatterson's" because i felt like all we did was eat poorly the whole time. And it was only 2 days. But i can feel my insides aching from eating mcdonald's, heavy mexican, donuts and fast food chinese. My body is basically rebelling against me now. So i had to go lift weights during lunch today and i'm doing turbo tonite after work which will be a good cardio blast.

I'm currently eating my lunch - a salad that i made at home with light/low fat organic dressing. I passed up the opportunity for chicken pasta bake, brownies, etc during orientation. The only thing i got from there was a roll to eat with my salad so i'd have some carbs for later.

My friend brought me a fun surprise today. It's a supplement drink mix so i can try the other flavor of this shakeology stuff i'm going to start next week. I bought the chocolate mix because the other was called "greenberry" and i'm not sure i'll dig it. But she brought me enough to make a drink and then this other supplement powder that will make it taste like a creamsiscle. So if i'm feeling really powerful today and in control - i will stop on the way home from my workout and purchase some soy milk and a banana and i will blend this for my dinner tonite.

I was planning on doing this drink in the mornings for breakfast - but i'm considering doing it for dinner most nites - because that would be quick and easy, and it would keep the calories in control. but i dunno! I will have to see how filling it is first.

So i'm working on unleashing that power within - i just have to find it first.

The Cycle of This

2009-06-17T16:43:00.002-04:00

The silence in this room echoed when the walls hung bare
Months later - slowly frames went up, schedules were taped
pictures arranged
And noise was muffled and silence is not quite so loud

And with a new term, we strip the walls again
Waiting for more things to come
To be taped, pinned, framed to keep the walls warm
and our hands busy

The endless cycle the repeats itself
varying in subtle ways
just different enough to be difficult, stressful, or frustrating to us
and yet entertaining to outsiders

The same smile, that same joke
The same story about black pants and white socks
gets a laugh everytime

You run out of good fresh ideas
Start banking on the ones that work
depend on the repeater participants to nod
in the right places
and laugh on queue

New to all the fresh faces
old hat for old-timers

Schools out, schools in
hard to tell where the year ends and the other begins

Strange how there is no "I" or "Me" in Change

2009-06-16T16:55:00.004-04:00

Change is hard. That's a pretty basic statement, I think. But when you get down to the knitty gritty of it - its not that ALL change is hard. Sometimes, change is easy - like when the summer schedule at work is over and I get to sleep in an extra 45 minutes.

THAT kind of change is easy.

Some changes are so gradual that you barely notice them. You just wake up one day and realize somewhere along the line you started drinking 1% milk instead of 2%.

Other changes are annoying. Like trying to change your habits of not going to the gym and wanting to literally be on the couch watching all your favorite reality tv shows eating chips and salsa into going to the gym and catching your shows when you can and NOT eating chips and salsa hardly ever.

The change i'm experiencing now is a bit different from those. As i'm continously working to benchmark other programs for the work i do - i find myself drifting back to past employers and evaluating the situation there. Because it was easy there in a lot of ways, and while what i did was important and probably looked really good to most outsiders, i see now that compared to what i'm facing now in my role makes my last job seem like a county fair compared to disney world.

But as i go back to what i know, to review it and analyze it with a different perspective - with the question of "did how i do it back then have any relevance for how i could create it now?" And it seems like everytime i look to find the answer to that question, another piece if what i built has changed. I'm not saying its changed in a bad way or a good way. I don't know - I'm not there and I don't know how it works better or worse, etc.

It seems weird, but no matter how much we struggle to follow the idea of "working to live" - I often think its quite the opposite in my career area. It seems that you have to pour so much of yourself into your work that now when i go back and look at what used to be reflective of my work and my thoughts and my ideas - its no longer mine. And i have this non-sensical moment of wanting to proclaim (loudly and yet to no one in particular) "Wait!!! Stop un-doing the good i did!"

And then i realize that things change and I don't have any right to pass judgement on things i'm not involved in anymore. And i feel badly for even allowing myself for a moment to feel like someone out there wasn't capable of having a better idea than i had.

You know -programs change. Forms change, processes change - and ultimately it's often the people change that creates the other ripples of change. And honestly, I chose to change roles and the ripples of change that are causing me a little sadness today are basically ripples from a rock I threw.

So yes, change is hard. Change is frustrating. Change can make you feel erased and forgotten. But I keep reminding myself that with every change comes a chance. And that's the ledge i have to find.

Vegas, Baby

2009-06-15T16:47:00.002-04:00

So in the past week:

I've turned 28,
Had a giant ice cream sandwich made just for me,
Received a book called "Is Your Straight Man Gay Enough?" (this answer is still TBD upon further review)
Flew to Nevada for the first time,
Saw Elvis,
(and) Way too many boobs,
Dancing bunnies (that was scary),
Had a waiter with 40 years of waiting experience that still had no idea how to separate checks
Spent over 30 dollars on crab cakes and 18 on a margarita (hey i got my very own souvenir cup)
Talked about internship programs at different colleges all over the USA over Italian food and no one was bored
Didn't finish my fav dish at the local mexican restaurant (go me!)
....
and just found out i'll be teaching a class next semester.

It's been a busy week. I'll try and post pics from Vegas soon!

The Big 2-8

2009-06-04T17:12:00.003-04:00

So my birthday is right around the corner. I'll be 28. And if i were myself and someone else were turning 28 i would tell them "actually you'll be STARTING your 29th year of life because your birthday just indicates that your 28th year is finished" and it would make me feel older. You know the whole Americans start the count from birth at 0. I think its interesting that other cultures call a baby 1 year old at birth. Makes you think twice when you ask someone how old they are.

I just might start saying "Well it depends on what day you count from."

I'm not too excited yet about my birthday. I have friends that keep asking if i'm getting excited. My bf reminded me that not being excited about a birthday just means that i'm getting old. But in reality - 28 doesn't seem that old to me.

When i was a kid, i guess i had all sorts of expectations about what I would be like and what my life would be like when i was in my 20's. As a kid, i was really under the impression that everyone got married in their early 20's because that's how things happened for my parents, my aunt and uncle and my older brother as well.

But when i was 20 - i couldn't imagine being married yet. Even though i was seriously dating someone and we had talked about the idea of marriage - it was still something that was like a far off idea. Then when i turned 24 - i was still with the same guy and realized that i still wasn't ready to get married and had the feeling he was and I ended things because of that and many other reasons.

I'll refer to the time between 24 and my current present time as something reserved and documented in "a different blog" as i don't care to address it all over again. But even with 28 around the corner - i don't feel like i've missed the mark in terms of my childhood expectations.

Instead i feel like i really challenged expectations held for me by my family by continuing to do my own thing and make my own path - even if it did seem like going around my elbow to get to my ass sometimes. In the end, it has been a decent journey to the "now." And looking back, i guess you always think that maybe you would have changed things - but in real life, I'm just glad to be here. Right where i am. Could i have not gained 20 pounds along the way? Sure. But in terms of big ticket items - 28 has been decent to me.

It beat me up a little bit along the way, i'm sure it left a fair amount of scars. But nothing that has made me scared of 29 or 30. I think i can handle it. And in the end - my expectations as a kid were just that - childish. And i like the real version - here and now - so much more.

As the Days Fly By

2009-06-03T11:26:00.002-04:00

So my blog title is sort of like a soap opera title. But one thing i've been thinking about a bit lately is the feeling of less drama in my life. I'm sure its is comparable to how mothers must feel after raising a child and sending them off to college - having more time for themselves and not utterly consumed by all the things raising a kid entails. The early morning school drop off, the soccer practices and sleep overs. How tired parents probably are all the time and i bet they get so used to it they don't even notice until a few weeks after their child goes off to college and they aren't involved in the day-to-day buzz.

And all of a sudden you realize something is different. The air feels a bit less heavy, the rain sounds different when it pings against the window pane. Making dinner plans is less complicated and life all around has changed.

I went through a childhood and my teenage years without a whole lot of drama. I stayed out of dramas way and it stayed out of mine, too. Even college wasn't too dramatic. Then after college, it seemed like drama had a warrent out for me and when it found me - it nearly knocked me down. For about 3 years - life was very much like a soap opera. Crazy, dramatic, movie-like situations kept happening in my life. Some of them were scenes from a comedy, others were more on the tragic side.

And then - finally drama got tired of me and moved along its' way to ambush some other unsuspecting soul. Then the sun felt different - it seemed more kind. The wind seemed to blow more gently - a caress instead of a whip. The rain sounded soothing and its after scent a perfume. Walking up hill still took effort - but it didn't feel like the elements were against my voyage to the top.

I passed down an old yet famliar street this week, and for a moment my heart felt that old fear. The lack of control, the capacity to make bad decisions and believe they were the right ones. The inability to see clearly despite magnification.

At first, I didn't understand. Finally, I could put my finger on it - that old fear didn't belong anymore - and even though i finally realized what was missing..I didn't miss it at all.

Time

2009-05-27T11:26:00.002-04:00

I'm having one of those weeks where I know I have a lot to do - but I'm lacking the motivation to be proactive about it. So i've succumbed to doing a little bit of work, taking a break and then doing more work, break, etc.

This is obviously one of my "break" moments.

As i was talking to my bf on the way home from the gym last nite - he was at work and he sounded so depressed. He told me how he was so bored at work and how nothing was ever challenging. I told him i felt the exact opposite a lot of the time. With my job - everything is a challenge. Everything takes 10 times longer than it should and sometimes its all so overwhelming that i just go into burnt out/breeze freeze mode for a few days until i can muster up enough energy to start digging into it again.

I'm hoping to feel better after I work out at lunch. I'm hoping that will wake me up and i'll have some new spunky feeling about how to make progress on some of my projects.

On another note - I went to visit my sister after the gym yesterday as she was starting to paint her kitchen in her new house. I couldn't see the whole house yet because they are still working on the hardwoods so you can't walk on them. But it was super exciting to think of my sister owning a home and really calling the Carolinas home. it's weird to think that 10 years ago, i was the first one in my family to move out of state and try life outside of kentucky. And now, my sister and my parents live in the Carolinas.

I'm proud of her for being responsible enough to buy a house. Its strange what things my sister beats me to the punch on. But on this one, i don't mind so much as my plans are pretty laid out for me at this point and they don't really require me to purchase a house on my own any time soon.

Its strange to see your little sister as an adult. Sometimes i still think of us fighting over who gets to use the phone line when we were tweens, or how we were strangers when I was away at college. I'm so glad that we've moved past that point now - and i can be a part of her life now that we are adults without the constant yelling or silence that we grew up with. Amazing how time changes things, and changes people.

Whew. Now if only time would speed up so it was 5pm and i could go home!

You Never Know What's Coming For You

2009-05-25T16:40:00.003-04:00

So yesterday my bf and i finally watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I had wanted to see it in the theater but my bf has a hard time sitting still for a regular length movie - so i figured i'd see it via netflix. So he finally got it and we made time to watch it yesterday. I have to say this was probably the saddest movie i have seen in a long time.

I could NOT stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks about 3/4 of the way through. And every time i thought i had pulled it together - nope, here they come again. I'm not much of a "cry in front of you" person. And i definitely haven't cried in situations other than a sad movie with my bf. I just don't like to cry in front of people. That's something i do in private people.

So i was in serious pain trying to keep myself from an all out sobfest yesterday. You know that feeling where you are flexing every muscle in your face and somehow your throat too to keep from crying outloud? It was weird - sometimes i think when i see a sad movie and i let myself get involved emotionally - it just opens up the floodgates for me. And all of a sudden i'm crying about all the sad things that have ever happened to me or MIGHT happen to me in the future. lol

After the movie was over, i looked over at my guy and just said "that was the saddest movie ever" and he looked semi teary eyed too. And he gave me a hug and for whatever reason that made fresh tears happen. And he was like trying to comfort me and tell me that i shouldn't worry and we would "grow old together and not age in opposite ways" which was funny but instead of laughing it made me think about how terrible it must be to lose the person you love. Your significant other.

And of course, that made me cry more. And he, in response, probably was thinking i'm crazy. I did pull it together finally after he left to get me a tissue. I couldn't believe how sad that movie mad me.

I guess i just really identified on some weird level with it because for the first time in my life i have "the real deal" in the significant other category and have something to lose. Not that i haven't dated other people, but I just have never felt this overwhelming sense of sadness at the thought of them not being in my life forever. I mean - we all think we feel that way with first loves and dumb loves (as i like to label them). But this time, the feeling was different. And even though it hurt my heart (eyes and throat, too from refusing to sob outloud) - it makes me happy that i finally have someone that has the ability to make me feel that way.

It's just like one of the residents, Mrs. Maple says to Benjamin's: "Benjamin, we're meant to lose the people we love. How else would we know how important they are to us?"

Obviously, I don't want to ever lose anyone i love - but i'm really happy to say I already have an idea of how important a lot of the people in my life are. And that awareness makes me very blessed.

Creatures of Habit

2009-05-14T08:53:00.003-04:00

I'd like to think that i'm a pretty interesting person. But the older I get - the more i realize that i am a creature of habit and that probably lessens the points on the interesting scale.

For example, i have been eating the same breakfast for 5 months. Like not just similar breakfast meals - but the exact same thing with the exception of the weekend when i rarely eat breakfast at all. But every Monday - Friday i eat 2 turkey sausages (they heat up in the microwave in 30 seconds) and 1 hardboiled egg.

I also have a cup of coffee every morning with my breakfast.

I also have developed a popcorn habit. Of course, i get the 94% fat free bags or something like that and i buy the i can't believe its not butter spray to trick myself into thinking i'm having movie-like popcorn. It's been my snack of choice for like - 2 months i'd say.

My bf and i make all of our meals on the weekend so we have everything cooked and portioned and ready to eat for lunch and dinner during the week. So we pick our meals in advance and everything we make - we have it twice. So again - if you see me eating a salad on Monday - you can bet big money that you'll see me eating the exact same thing the next day for lunch.

My bf makes it a priority to spread his meals out so he doesn't eat the same thing two days in a row. But not me, when i get stuff ready for the day i end up just taking both servings of my lunch to work with me and i'll eat them 2 days back to back.

I look back in my life and i realize that i form habits that will last up to about a year - and i will never complain or get tired of them. And then all of a sudden, i can't bear to have that dish any more. So last nite - as i was snacking on my delicious popcorn - it started tasting nasty to me.

I think that my popcorn snacking days are close to over. Which sucks because i still have some left. I anticipate it sitting in my cabinet until my lease is over.

I'm wondering how long the turkey sausage and eggs will last. I think i ate veggie burgers every day for lunch for a year once. I am so boring.

I wish i could be as quick to form a healthy habit like going to the gym everyday. I am basically forcing myself to go to the gym for at least 30 minutes as often as i can. My preference would be to get to the gym every day. But i have a semi-part time job and it makes it difficult to always have the time after work. So here's to forming a gym habit 4 times a week. This would be one habit i'd be happy to keep for the rest of my life. *sigh*

Busy vs Priority?

2009-04-29T15:50:00.002-04:00

So i realize i quickly stopped blogging. I guess life gets busy and then settles down. Or at least that's what i thought would happen - you know, that life would eventually settle down. But that is quite the opposite of what has happened in my life.

This time last year i was finalizing my thesis, preparing to present, job hunting, and struggling with getting out of an unhealthy relationship. When i finished up the 2 years of being a full time graduate student and a full time staff person at a university - i thought i would have ungodly amounts of free time to spend as i wished. And then when i got my new job - i thought, well, the new job is what is taking up all my time, i'll feel better and like i have more time when my job isn't so new.

Then i finally ended a 3 year relationship and i was like - you know, i'm going to have so much more time now that i don't have to deal with all this drama and stress.

I'm beginning to feel a bit like the take out cashier in the movie "Dude Where's my Car?"...

and THEN...

I met the best guy ever and started spending time with him.

And we were talking the other day about how life is busy. And no matter what you do, or what you think - life just keeps you busy. And i tend to not be able to say no to things (although my boyfriend says that i have no problem saying no to him :).

Yesterday he was telling me about how his friend just told him about how he's throwing his fiance a birthday party this weekend and that we should come. When he told me that we both just sort of laughed about someone asking us to do something on a friday or saturday night without more than a two week advance notice. I mean - it's crazy. I have to plan a month out to do anything unless its just spur of the moment plans or something falls through.

So i guess instead of waiting for life to stop being busy - it's more about continually re-prioritizing things. What's most important right now? What will be most important in 2 weeks?

Right here - right now, it seemed like getting back in touch was a priority. For what it's worth - i'm going to work on continuing to make it a priority!

Scary Times

2009-04-02T13:34:00.002-04:00

So, our nation is definitely in a time of crisis. I feel like the state in which i work is also up against major heartache as our governor seems pretty hell bent on not taking the stimulus money that every other state has accepted.

It seems that his personal desires to "be right" are outweighing the implications that are ahead for every person in South Carolina regardless of whether he is right or wrong. If he doesn't accept the stimulus money - it would result in major layoffs to many organizations, and I'm scared to say that i'm nervous for my own job and those around me if he doesn't change his mind. Regardless of whether Obama's stimulus package fails or succeeds - we'll be involved in paying money back as citizens of the USA. The only different for South Carolina folk is that we won't have benefitted from any of the stimulus money being put into the economy in our state.

I am not pretending to know everything about this situation. But the state of our economy is starting to sink into my system a bit. It's all becoming so real that i can taste it. I can feel the pinch on my paycheck, i can feel the tension in our organization. I see the scared look on everyone's faces...

Today as i was driving back to work from a meeting, i saw a middle aged woman standing on the side of the road near a shopping center holding a sign:

"Please help - Single mother of 2 and lost my job"

It's all around us. Even on street corners in tiny towns. You can't escape it.

I guess today the prayer of the hour is that our governor can step outside his own personal agenda and know that his decision impacts so much more than just his future political career. If anything- but making this decision based on a political agenda, he's showing us that being right is more important than anything else. And while i love to be right (who doesn't?) - sometimes that isn't always the bottom line.

The Long Pause

2009-03-26T22:52:00.002-04:00

So - it's been longer than i've wanted it to be (not that TOO many people are on the edge of their seats waiting for me to update), but i was busy traveling across 6 states last week with 15 college age students in tow.

Yah - i'm sure you are like - mmmm, kidnapper? But no, trust me. Quite the opposite. I work at a university and our office coordinates an alternative spring break option for students who apply to go. So 15 students went on my trip...we went to Biloxi, Mississippi to work with a non-profit group there dedicated to working with the victims of hurricane katrina.

It's been awhile since i've done something i'd classify as "volunteer manual labor" so it was a week that i spent getting my hands dirty, literally. I'm still finding white paint on my arms and legs that just won't come off. We helped a guy who owns a historic house on the gulf coast, but couldn't move back in until some major things were taken care of - namely, the lead paint had to be scraped off and then new primer and paint had to go on. So our group worked with him for 3 of the 4 work days we had. Although scraping paint, applying layers of primer and then paint don't sound super glamorous - it was strange how i didnt' feel like i was really working all week.

Yet at the end of the day i was exhausted and dirty, ready for bed way before any of the students and often the first to rise even though i'm not a morning person at all. I was nervous when i volunteered to help lead this trip, i thought maybe that part of my heart had closed a bit. Honestly, i think that's why i forced myself to volunteer in the first place. It was outside my comfort zone - as my version of helping people is usually from my office or working one on one with someone. So i think it was sort of a challenge to myself to see if i had it within myself to really enjoy straight up volunteering again.

I guess as i type this i think i'm probably coming off as a really cruel, mean person. And i promise, I'm not - i just ahve a hard time pushing myself out of my comfort zone when it comes to volunteering. Things run through my mind like:
"What if i have to talk to someone who i can't understand very well?"
"What if i am responsible for a project i don't have the ability to complete?"

Things like that.

But here's the good news....

I went, participated, lead, followed, laughed, slept, stayed up, attempted eating peas (didn't work out), was forced into eating pork (ugh) and mcdonalds multiple times. So it was a mostly good mix. In returning to work this week - i feel like i accomplished something really solid last week. Not just for myself, but i feel like i accomplished something by working well with a group of people, many of them totally new, and actually made a difference for someone outside of where my typical comfort zone would have taken me.

I remember now that when you are really putting yourself out there - volunteering your services and never really knowing where it will take you - you always end up getting more out of it than you could ever put in.

Watch It

2009-03-13T13:09:00.003-04:00

So i have this really decent watch. I'ts a kenneth cole reaction watch - silver, bracelet style. It's a far cry from my previous watch which was nike one - but it wasn't a huge bulky sport watch, it was sleek,black and narrow. It was also amazingly digital.

I wish so badly for another digital watch that didn't totally take away all my professionalism. I had to get a new watch because my last one broke after several years - but every time someone asks me what time it is, i think about how much easier life was when i had my digital watch. This stupid (yet classy) new watch has actual hands i have to squint to see to tell the time. And the stupid (yet professional) date at the bottom isn't smart enough to know what month has 30 days or 31 one days - or how to deal with the Real Whopper of February. So i have to constantly switch the date on it which i have to do...um MANUALLY.

As in i have to figure out how to pull the little dial out perfectly enough to change the date but not change the time. After a year - i still haven't mastered this. And on more than one occasion i have actually told someone else the wrong date because my stupid watch isn't smart enough to figure it out for me.

So today i look down and it says "14" and i realize it's not the 14 because i've already had a few people tell me that today is Friday the 13th. So i start trying to "fix it" which means that for whatever reason i can only get the dial to go UP so now i have to go all the way to 31 before it resets so i can get it to 13. After getting the date up to 23, i'm honestly considering buying a new watch.

A ditigal one.

Ruh-diculous

2009-03-12T12:15:00.002-04:00

Does anyone else hate it when American Idol judge Kara DioGuardi says "ridiculous?" Its like nails on a chalk board to me. Its just the way she says it - and how she says it OVER and OVER again in every single feedback opportunity she gets. I want to send her a memo that includes other words that are suitable in place of ridiculous.

In light of proper word use, here are a few things that actually ARE ridiculous:
1. Having to stay at work last night until 10:45pm was ridiculous.
2. Having to get up to go back to work this morning only one hour beyond my normal time was ridiculous.
3. Kara DioGuardi shirt on Tuesday night's idol made her look ridiculous. My first thought was the neck line with the big tied up bow made her look like she had just come from the pet groomer.
4. Lil Rounds white pants made her booty look ridiculous. Her but is NOT that big. In fact, i would go so far to say her stylist is ridiculous.
5. Last point about American Idol: the way Paula walked to her seat at the beginning of the show made her look ridiculous. First impression: The Horse Trot.

Accident Prone

2009-03-09T10:48:00.003-04:00

So this weekend - i managed to drop a metal tape measure on my toe, step on gum balls (you know those prickly things that fall from a gum tree) while moving in furniture in flip flops, and while trying to catch my keys from across the yard - one of them gave me a welt on my hand.

I also think that my bf must have either stepped on my toes or on the back of my flip flops 10 times over the course of our day yesterday. We went to IKEA (a new one just opened nearby) and it was so crowded, everyone was literally stepping on each other. As i turned a corner between the sofa beds and regular sofa area this girl was standing near a column and she couldn't get out of anyone's way to save her life. She eventually crouched down a bit near the column and i could hear her apologizing to everyone passing through, including myself. I guess it goes to show that you should avoid walking toward a column in a busy store - you might never be able to move forward. It was just crazy how many people were there.

I also somehow broke a toilet seat today. I mean - its not like i haven't sat on this same toilet seat many a time - but it just decided to break today. I didn't even know what to do. I just turned around and sort of looked at it. I put it back on the seat and closed the lid and just sort of snickered to myself...i mean, like that is really going to fix the problem.

When i had to tell my bf what i did - he's like "how in the hell did you do that?"

All i could do was tell him that maybe i had gained some weight since the previous evening when i sat on it. I know he was annoyed, but i couldn't stop laughing. How ridiculous is it to break a toilet seat? On the upside - i hate the toilet seats in his new house because they are fake wood ones. Ugh.

So now at least he can buy a normal toilet seat. Maybe i should tell him to get one that is extra sturdy. :)

Fire Crotch

2009-03-05T12:20:00.004-05:00

My bf is a huge hot sauce fan.

Every where we go he always has to look for unique hot sauce options to add to his collection. When he bought a refrigerator for his new house this past weekend - it wasn't the one he originally wanted, but I ended up convincing him it would work by showcasing all the side plastic shelving that would be a perfect place to keep his hot sauce collection.

Earlier in our relationship, he told me a story about how he was at a bar where they had various hot sauces for their wings and he was trying them all. The guy at the bar warned him early on to make sure he washed his hands before going to the bathroom or else he'd be sorry. But after a few beers - the advice was forgotten and off he went to the bathroom to relieve himself. He told me it was quite the unpleasant experience as the hot sauce from eating wings and what not still was on his hands even though it wasn't like he didn't use a napkin or whatever. So it wasn't visibly still on his hands - but the heat from the sauce made its presence known pretty loud and clear.

When he told me this story - i thought it was hilarious (he tells it better in person - including a reenactment of the "OMG face").

Months later, we were cooking dinner at my place. As usual, the recipe didn't call for hot peppers of any kind but we decided to throw some in there anyway since we both like things spicy. I cut up the pepper to put it in the recipe and must have washed my hands a few times between cutting and prepping the other food for dinner.

We ate dinner and had some wine - it was yummy. Nature called so i excused myself and went to go pee. Maybe i'm crazy, but i rarely wash my hands BEFORE i go to the bathroom unless of course i've been working outside or something dirty. Maybe you are supposed to and i missed that etiquette step in my potty training process.

Anyway, i use the bathroom and am finishing up when all of a sudden i feel a bit of tingling. Not a good kind of tingling. It starts spreading like wild fire all over my private parts. I am thinking to myself - oh my god? How could i have contracted some sort of viral burning disease in the last 5 minutes? I stand up and pace in the small space of my bathroom. What do i do? WHat is it? Am i dying and this is the first symptom?

I sit back down to think about what i should do as the fire crotch continues. My bf is out in the other room watching tv and i'm not about to go out and tell him that i have some sort of fire crotch disease. As my eyes start to water - i remember my bf's story about the hot sauce and his fire crotch incident. Holy hell! The hot pepper in the meal we ate gave me fire crotch.

I at least felt better knowing what the cause was - but that still didn't help the pain go away. I did every thing short of a focused spray down, but nothing helped. I was just going to have to wait it out.

I pull myself together and walk back into the pain room. I sit down on the couch and try to pretend like everything is okay. It lasts about 5 minutes before the pain becomes too obvious on my face i guess. He asks me whats wrong? I shift uncomfortably (literally).

"You know that hot sauce bathroom story you told me?"

"Yah..." (imagine a stiffled laugh here)

"Yah. I have fire crotch."

While it was totally uncomfortable - at least we could laugh about it and i guess in some sort of weird way - having fire crotch is something that bonds people. Because honestly - until it happens to you - you have NO idea.

My name is...my name is...

2009-02-26T10:58:00.003-05:00

So i don't mean to write another post about my name. Hang in there with me - because i'm going to tell you a funny story instead.

A little background: I recently started a new job (as in...around June 2008), but prior to that i worked in a role for about 4 years. I worked in a small office 3 full time staff and one part time staff person. Even though we worked as part of a bigger organization we had our own little "house" so we were separate from everyone else. Sort of isolated. I say this to reinforce the fact that it was really impossible to not KNOW or talk to each other. My first half of working there - i really enjoyed my other 3 co-workers, but then management changed and everything sucked.

It was definitely everything i could do to stay and finish out my graduate degree before packing my desk because i disliked the management so much. And in such close quarters - it's hard to pretend like you are happy.

Anyway - several friends of mine still work at said organizations in other areas so they come into contact with my old boss on a semi regular basis. They've heard the horror stories and have had a few of their own - so it's always funny when i get an update now that i'm happy in my new role.

So my friend, G, shared a story with me last week about how she ran into my old boss at a work event. She begrudgingly said hello as they fixed their coffee and he says:
"Hey G - how are you?"

G: "Good - how are you?"

"Pretty good - say, how is your friend?"

G: (imagine if you can a confused look on G's face) "Who?"

"Oh you know - you guys are good friends, you always hang out."

G: (imagine yet another dumbfounded look) "Umm...I'm not sure, i hang out with a lot of people."

"You know - she left?"

G: (for those of you who know her you don't have to think too hard about the look that came next: the judgy face) "You mean Dre?"

"Yah! Dre - how is she doing?"

G: "She's really happy." And then the conversation ends abruptly.

I mean really - I worked with this guy in an office with 3 other people for two years and i've been gone since June (that is only 8 months) and he doesn't remember my name? I mean - i was his employee. One of THREE.

I'm not sure whether i should be completely insulted or just nod my head and remember the #1 reason i left in the first place.

Its Official - I'm Getting Older

2009-02-24T21:21:00.002-05:00

So, its 9:16pm as I'm starting to work on today's blog. I am already too tired for it to only be 9:16. How did that happen?

On my trip to Savannah this past weekend, I remember feeling the effects of working too many long days and not getting enough rest. But last night I made a point of laying down in my bed at 10:00pm and I read a little bit before drifting to sleep. My alarm was set for 7:22am (I don't like to wake up at normal minute increments) and so let's say I fell asleep by 10:30 - that puts me at almost 9 hours of sleep. I felt a little less cranky this morning as I'm NOT a morning person by any interpretation of the term. But here it is....9:19 now and I feel like i could be in bed writing this blog rather than at my favorite coffee shop typing away.

I even went to the gym today - i was under the impression working out was a way to feel more energetic. I'm just sore. Oh well - maybe the energy comes after you've proven to your metabolism that you are more serious this time, and you will work out consistently instead of...well, haphazardly. :)

I guess i'm not 19 anymore. Or hell, even 22. Its weird, this little signs we get from the universe that remind us that age does impact us and we can't deny it. Not that we can't be energetic anymore, but just that it takes more work on our part to put our bodies and minds in positions to be more energetic. I'm working on that this year - trying to get back to a good place where i feel more awake.

Honestly, awake would be nice.

2009-02-23T12:24:00.002-05:00

So i've been sitting here for awhile, staring at this computer screen and thinking about what to blog about. I've been trying to keep it light and funny - because well - sad and depressing is pretty well, sad and depressing. Plus - I'm happy to say that i'm not sad or depressed at the moment.

My natural instinct is to write about my weekend in Savannah. So i guess i'll trust my gut.

I went along with 5 of my friends to Savannah, GA this weekend for a little mini birthday getaway for my friend K. It was a great excuse to get away from the C-latte (thanks for the fun city nick name RJ) for a nite and just not think about work or how i should do laundry (like really, i HAVE to do laundry tonight), or how i should really run the dirt devil thing around my apartment because hardwood apparently sheds. Or maybe that's me.

Anyway, it was a 4 hour drive which while i knew it was going to take 4 hours to get there - i just was hoping maybe it was more like 3. (It wasn't.)

Fortunately, we had a great time even though it was just for two days. We split a hotel room that had 2 queen beds and a sleeper sofa. But K and I went in together as we only registered as 2 adults (aren't we sneaky?). So we had two cars obviously, so i needed to go in so i could get a parking pass for my car as well as his. It was pretty funny, because we walked in together and the front desk staff immediately assumed me and K were together. They were referring to me as his "woman" and later, "his wonderful, beautiful sweetheart" (in case you didn't know - people in the south are pretty friendly). I was sort of laughing about it the whole time because K is gay - but most people wouldn't know that upon first meeting and I think that's the way he likes it anyway.

It was funny because both days K and I would have to pretend we were together, when in reality, my bf was there with me. We thought up all sorts of fun scenarios. Like staging a fight in the lobby and then later i would return with another guy (my bf) and make out in the lobby and then K would come in with the other 3 girls that went on our trip and say he found some "friends" to keep him company for the weekend.

Of course, we didn't do any of that. But i'm sure the hotel people were like holy crap - because when they came to clean our room it looked like we had been on all sleeping surfaces since there were actually 6 of us. We had to go down and ask for more towels and blankets for the sleeper sofa. I'm sure they were like "you are weird."

OH well. All in all - a fun trip. Lots of walking and there wasnt any rain, just some wind so it turned out pretty nice. We had food on the riverfront for lunch and found some brewery to try some local beers and then proceeded to a whole in the wall mexican place that served a 32 oz blue moon beer for 5 bucks to my friend. We all love a good deal!

Later - we went "out" and my friends immediately went to the dance floor. I'm not much of a dancer unless i've had exactly the right mixture of drinks, so i kind of just stood there and shuffled my feet while ironically the song "Just Dance" played in the club. I wanted to say "I just don't feel like it, dammit!"

So i ended up going back to the bar area and having another beer and hung out with my bf who fortunately didn't feel like just dancing either. :)

I wish i had a nother weekend to recover from the lack of sleep from my first weekend. Almost too tired to be funny today.

Seriously? I'm Trying to Save You

2009-02-19T11:50:00.003-05:00

Well i have about 10 minutes before I'm taking a lunch break. Apparently that means that i can't interrupt my "lunch at my desk time" with "blogging at my desk time."

You heard me.

So this week has been busy. I work at a university in the career center. So we had two career fairs this week. I just started my role here back in the summer - so all our events are a first for me. I've actually never went/worked at a school that hosted their very own career fair - so it was pretty exciting to see all the employers and students come out.

I spent all last week hosting events to help student prepare for the fair. Its amazing to me that most students (okay - people in general) have very little common sense when it comes to the whole networking, interviewing, writing a resume, meeting employers gig. But that's okay - that's why i have a job i guess. If everyone already knew what to do, my position would be irrelevant.

So anyway, apparently last year (remember, i wasn't here to make everything perfect and amazing ;P ) employers complained about lack of professional dress. So this year we made it very clear to students through all our prep events and all of our marketing that it was professional attire only. No jeans, ball caps, tennis shoes, etc. We even made signs on the entrances TO the fair that said "Professional Attire Required."

I personally think its ridiculous we have to even do this in the first place. Who comes to a professional career fair to meet with employers in jeans or tennis shoes? But - they do. Somehow it became my job to play the heavy and keep those scoundrel students out who didn't know how to dress.

I am actually a pretty nice person, although i have my moments of mean i suppose. So this was not my favorite job. But looking back, it was actually pretty funny. One guy in particular.

He arrives when there are only about 15 minutes left in the career fair. I wasn't manning the check in table (because who comes 15 minutes before employers leaves?) so when i happened to turn around our intern was making huge eyes at me and whipping her head to the left to draw my attention to this student who was totally clueless.

When i looked over at him - I just couldn't believe it. So much that when i approached him (he was at the check in table for the career fair) my first question was:

Are you here for the career fair?

(I mean surely - he is lost right?)

His response: "Uh - yah."

I really wanted to respond: "Are you sure?"

But in my best "i am not trying to be a bitch" voice I said, "Well, our career fair requires professional attire this year."

He just looks at me like i have three heads and then replies "uh, okay. I just came from PE class."

Okay i should stop the scene here to give you a visual. He was wearing gym shorts, sneakers, double layer tshirts with a wind breaker type jacket over it.

I look at him and say: "Okay - but our fair is still requiring professional attire, no matter where you just came from. There's only about 15 minutes left for the fair anyway so you should hurry and change into something more professional if you want to come inside."

Imagine an awkward silence.

"Uh. I just came from PE class."

(okay i get that. You smell like you just came from PE class.)

My actual response: "Right."

Another one of those silences.

"Well - what am i supposed to wear?"

(umm...a tie! a suit! a collared shirt! a polo with khakis! business pants and a nice top!)

My actual response: "Well - a tie! a suit! a collared shirt! a polo with khakis! business pants and a nice top! Something professional."

Him: "Well I just came from PE class and didn't have time to change."

Okay, now i'm getting aggravated. It's bad enough that i'm having to point out that you look totally in appropriate for a career fair.

Me: "Look around. Do you see anyone else wearing PE clothes? This is a professional event and all of our marketing including the signs on the doors you just came through point out that you need to be dressed professionally."

Him: "Ummm..well. Uh..."

Now i'm feeling a little bad, even though it isn't my fault he can't read the signs or understand the words coming from my mouth.

Me: Honestly, I am not trying to single you out. I've turned several students away today for not dressing appropriately. I am trying to do you a favor. If I let you walk into this fair right now as you are - you are going to be making a bad impression. I am trying to save you from that."

Him: "Uh - well can you go get me brochures?"

He has officially pushed me over my limit.

Me: "No - that really isn't my job. If you have a friend that is already at the fair, perhaps they will go in and get information for you."

And i just had to leave it at that. Im sure my intern who had been witnessing this entire conversation was giggling madly underneath a napkin or something at this point. I was just like wide eyed with disbelief.

After the employers had finished up and were packing up for our lunch - my intern comes and points out that Mr. Fashion had returned wearing wrinkled khakis that were about 3 inches too short, some sort of top and was munching on an apple as he walked around the empty tables trying to talk to a few of the scrambling employers.

All that effort - and he still ends up screwing everything up. Some people just need to rely on online applications.

15 Minute Blog

2009-02-17T16:46:00.003-05:00

Okay - so let's see what delicious-ness i can come up with in 15 (make that 14) minutes before its time to leave work. Yah, so sue me, I'm blogging while I'm at work - you tell me one person who doesn't at some point.

I actually have a pretty good reason for blogging at work - mostly because i type at the speed of lightening (it's true, i've been tested) and because I don't have the internet at home.

I guess that is weird to a lot of people. My boyfriend especially as he can't hardly exist without what he calls his "interwebs." It isn't because he is online all the time - its just like when the internet goes down at his house, he can't hardly stand it. I always ask "What is it you need to do online?" and he always replies with something like "nothing - but what if i THINK of something i need to do and can't?"

Men.

I used to be obsessed with the internet when it first appeared for us "normal people." I was the first of my friends to have the internet at home. Good ole dial up. I thought chatting was SO cool. My best friend SJ would come over and we'd spend an hour just trying to remember how we found the intensely cool chat room we were on the day before. We obviously hadn't figured out the "bookmark" feature at that point.

We would create false identities and talk to strangers. I guess that is still what people do, right?

Anyway - i would be so obsessed with getting on the internet to talk in these chat rooms, or to check my email to see if anyone had sent me something. I could NOT get over how cool it was, or how cool i was because i had the internet and no one else did (aside from all those strangers i was chatting with, right?).

For the longest time - through out highschool and college, my bedtime ritual was to get online and do my email and catch up with people near and far. But in my "old age" of 27 - i don't even have the internet because I spend all day on the internet for my job and i have a crackberry that relieves some of that inate pressure to check my email constantly.

Now that i think about it - i guess i might have gotten worse instead of better. Now i carry my internet around in my pocket day and night. Damned crackberry. For a moment i felt like perhaps i had grown up - but i guess i just got more savvy.

Confessions of a LOST Soul

2009-02-12T08:40:00.000-05:00

I have to admit something to you. You being the random internet blog surfer that has somehow miraculously stumbled across my blog.

I am completely obsessed with LOST. Every Wednesday - wherever i am around 8:30pm, I start to get anxious. I get anxious about my ability to get home before 9pm so that i can remember which channel LOST comes on (I don't know why I can't remember every time) so i can be there the moment that it starts. Because if you are a fellow LOST fanatic, you know how missing 2 minutes of the show could mean even more frustrating confusion than you were already prepared for.

So yesterday, I pulled my third 12 hour day at work. I had a workshop that i was presenting around 7pm, so by the time i finished, packed up and trudged to my car, damned cookie in hand from the leftovers of the workshop, i was checking my watch anxiously trying to calculate how quickly i could drive home without getting pulled over by the cops on the interstate.

Fortunately, I made it back to my apartment with a few moments to spare. This is course was spent in front of my tv watching the last bit of LOST from the week before with the little captions at the bottom that help clue us viewers in on all the things we most likely missed or weren't smart enough to put together on our own. Secretly, I am thankful for those captions.

I literally sit on the edge of my chair the entire hour - aside from the commercials that come way too often and leave me overly stressed about trying to put away my laundry or use the restroom during the short break and accidentally missing a bit of the show. Ridiculous? I know this. I told you at the beginning of all this - this is my CONFESSION.

I am relieved to say I am not alone. My best friend since childhood who lives a few states away is also obsessed. We send each other hesitant text messages through out the show. The first one is (and most ALWAYS be) "are you watching real time?" Because a reaction text to a part of the show one of us hasn't gotten to yet could be devastating. Once we've established we are indeed watching the same moments of the show together, we then send texts that are nothing more than "reaction" texts.

Last night's text dialogue:
"Are you watching real time?"
"Yes - ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"
"I know right?"
"This is crazy."
"So frustrating."
"Charlotte is freaky."
"Yah - they do a good job of that."
"I mean - WTF?"
"For real - why do we like this show?"
"We are gluttons for pain."
"Don't forget to read the Post tomorrow so we can figure out what the hell all this means."

It is the best thing about my Wednesday evenings. If that makes me crazy - I'll accept it. Judger.

Not What My Mom Intended

2009-02-11T17:29:00.000-05:00

So I was born what I thought (and still do mostly) not so many years ago. Blah blah blah - in a hospital, something like 9:30am which was entirely misleading as I am one to sleep all day if allowed. My mom and dad had a name picked out, and since my name is on the surface pretty average - i guess the way it all turned out seems a bit odd.

Some people have great stories about how they got their name. "My great great great uncle's brothers cousin was saved by a mysterious woman after a freak horse and buggy accident. They fell in love and were married and I was named after her."

Okay - whatever.

Here's the real deal on how I got my name. My mom was - get this - obsessed with soap operas (not to be stereotypical, because if i were a stay at home mom, you bet i would be tuning into Guiding Light every Tuesday at 10am.....what?). And so there was this character on there, yes, on Guiding Light, that was some evil German woman named Andrea. So my mom decided to name me after an evil character on a daytime soap opera. She told me she liked the way they pronounced it. So let's all say it together (don't worry - you aren't the first to get it wrong):

Anne-Drey-Uh.

Just to make sure you know just how unemotional the naming of me was - my middle name is Nicole - yup. You guessed it Guiding Light fans, from the infamous Nikki and Victor couple.

So after a few years out of the womb, no one ever said my name right. So I was constantly correcting people (well of course, once i could talk). So my mom just decided one day when i was in first or second grade that we would "henceforth spell my name with an accent over the e."
Okay so let's try it again.

Andr(okay imagine the e with a little accent on top of it)a.

This just goes to show how the accent over the e was and has been helpful since so many computers programs let you put unique characters on the page. Then when they do - you send something to someone and they get gibberish because the character didn't get translated correctly.

When i moved in elementary school, I debated just going by my middle name. I figured that might be easier. But i couldn't imagine being called Nicole. What i really wanted to be named was Page (yes, like mother like daughter - from Knots Landing, that young little vixon Nicholette Sheradan... funny that her real name was more like Nicole...guess she wanted to be somebody else too!). But either way - I did nothing and when we moved, i continued the tradition of correcting people on my name.

So - to make everything easier, everyone just calls me Dre.

"What was that?"
"Oh, yes, that's right - haha you are so funny and i've never heard that joke before! So clever!"

"Like Dr. Dre?"

No - I'm the OTHER dre.