Fire Crotch

My bf is a huge hot sauce fan.

Every where we go he always has to look for unique hot sauce options to add to his collection. When he bought a refrigerator for his new house this past weekend - it wasn't the one he originally wanted, but I ended up convincing him it would work by showcasing all the side plastic shelving that would be a perfect place to keep his hot sauce collection.

Earlier in our relationship, he told me a story about how he was at a bar where they had various hot sauces for their wings and he was trying them all. The guy at the bar warned him early on to make sure he washed his hands before going to the bathroom or else he'd be sorry. But after a few beers - the advice was forgotten and off he went to the bathroom to relieve himself. He told me it was quite the unpleasant experience as the hot sauce from eating wings and what not still was on his hands even though it wasn't like he didn't use a napkin or whatever. So it wasn't visibly still on his hands - but the heat from the sauce made its presence known pretty loud and clear.

When he told me this story - i thought it was hilarious (he tells it better in person - including a reenactment of the "OMG face").

Months later, we were cooking dinner at my place. As usual, the recipe didn't call for hot peppers of any kind but we decided to throw some in there anyway since we both like things spicy. I cut up the pepper to put it in the recipe and must have washed my hands a few times between cutting and prepping the other food for dinner.

We ate dinner and had some wine - it was yummy. Nature called so i excused myself and went to go pee. Maybe i'm crazy, but i rarely wash my hands BEFORE i go to the bathroom unless of course i've been working outside or something dirty. Maybe you are supposed to and i missed that etiquette step in my potty training process.

Anyway, i use the bathroom and am finishing up when all of a sudden i feel a bit of tingling. Not a good kind of tingling. It starts spreading like wild fire all over my private parts. I am thinking to myself - oh my god? How could i have contracted some sort of viral burning disease in the last 5 minutes? I stand up and pace in the small space of my bathroom. What do i do? WHat is it? Am i dying and this is the first symptom?

I sit back down to think about what i should do as the fire crotch continues. My bf is out in the other room watching tv and i'm not about to go out and tell him that i have some sort of fire crotch disease. As my eyes start to water - i remember my bf's story about the hot sauce and his fire crotch incident. Holy hell! The hot pepper in the meal we ate gave me fire crotch.

I at least felt better knowing what the cause was - but that still didn't help the pain go away. I did every thing short of a focused spray down, but nothing helped. I was just going to have to wait it out.

I pull myself together and walk back into the pain room. I sit down on the couch and try to pretend like everything is okay. It lasts about 5 minutes before the pain becomes too obvious on my face i guess. He asks me whats wrong? I shift uncomfortably (literally).

"You know that hot sauce bathroom story you told me?"

"Yah..." (imagine a stiffled laugh here)

"Yah. I have fire crotch."

While it was totally uncomfortable - at least we could laugh about it and i guess in some sort of weird way - having fire crotch is something that bonds people. Because honestly - until it happens to you - you have NO idea.