Why the Chicken Crossed the Road

I have made plenty of bad decisions in my time. I absolutely believe I will make more bad decisions in the future.

But what I struggle with the most, is letting someone else figure out they are making a bad decision. I know, i know. Experience is the best teacher. But it is in my nature to try and save people. Save them from themselves, from the heartache, from the potential pain, from so many things that i've experienced myself.

Ultimately, it's me making a judgment call. It's me saying "I'm right." And i get that in the end, I don't really have a say. And there is a chance I'm wrong - there always is that chance. But i think when you are on the other side of the road waiting for the next person to cross - your vantage point could be clearer than theirs. But shouting "Come across now!!! It's safe!" to someone who thinks they don't have time to make it will probably sound like crazy advice from where they are standing.

What do they say? Hindsight is 20/20. I look back and see all the times i should have take that leap of faith and ventured across the road even if it did seem sort of scary at the time. Even if the sound of the oncoming car was overwhelmingly loud - even if i saw the smoke in the distance and it seemed like a speeding bullet. And i wonder how much farther along on the other side of this road would i be if i hadn't waited so long to just do it?

In the end, I can't go back and change things. And ultimately, I'm happy now with the side of the road i'm on. But i know that there are probably some scary jaywalks ahead of me, I'm not going to pretend that things will be perfect and clear from here on out.

But when i turn around and i look at those scattered on the other side...those that are still so hesitant to cross...I see them sticking one foot on the the roadway and immediately stepping back and I wonder - what is stopping them? What do they see coming in the distance that keeps them right where they are?

I keep stopping to yell "I'm right here - just cross the road. I'll keep an eye out for you" - but it falls on deaf ears.

Somehow the space between us is so manageable to me and yet so unfathomable to you. It's hard to trust me - when it's not my life. I understand that.

But i want better for you....I want you to see things from this side of road.

It's so much clearer over here. I swear it is.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

He finally figured out how.

The Secret Stress

Apparently, i'm stressed out.

Perhaps it's a delayed reaction - because I don't really feel all that stressed out right now. After this week at work, things should calm down a bit and I'm experiencing a bit more time to breath and catch up than i was before.

Yet, every morning i'm waking up to a sore jaw. As i research my symptoms this morning on google - it seems that i have some version of TMJ. I have self diagnosed myself and have gone as far to write myself a prescription: Relax.

My fiance told me today that he wished i were more laid back. Well, me too, honestly. I work hard to appearing laid back, but those that know me really well know that I'm always thinking, always contemplating, always predicting and analyzing and making connections in my head. A machine that doesn't stop. And i guess it's started to work it's way from my brain into my jaw.

It's not a great feeling to feel like i've been punched in the face every morning when i wake up. My friend said that maybe i'm having stressful dreams. But last night i remember two things:

1.) I dreamt that we got a humidifier for our bedroom and that it was awesome.
2.) I dreamt that the next season of LOST started and i was a participant of sorts. My alarm went off just when i was getting to the good stuff!

So i don't really think either of those things are super stressful. Yet, my jaw had taken a beating apparently.

I'm in the process of moving again. Maybe that is stressing me out more than i think. But honestly - it's a good move and i have help and it's going to make life better. It's probably the last move i'll make for awhile so that should be a good feeling.

Yes, i'm planning a wedding, but things are going okay. No major stresses as of yet, although i'm sure I will have my moments.

I guess i need to connect to my psyche a bit more and figure out what it is that i'm so tensed up over. That, or a massage.

Do massage therapists work on jaw muscles?

One Year Ago and One Year from Now

A year seems like a long time. Technically.

But then I think about where i was last year. Anticipating my now fiance's move back to town. Knowing that we had first connected four years ago and then he moved...and then we reconnected over the last summer via email and aim, text messaging. Wondering what would happen when he finally moved back. Would we be friends? Would it be more? Was i ready to move on after the last disaster of a relationship i had?

Meeting him out for a drink at Tyber Creek that night he got into town. His friends, and some of my friends. Us talking and him being excited about being back into town and me happy that he was back and things seemed to be going well. Then all of a sudden, hiking the next day with my friends. Dinner out mid week - cooking me dinner after work. Drinks on Saturday?

And now, all of a sudden, it's a year later. Beginning of October and i have a ring on my finger and am thinking about the next year of my life and how it will be spent planning our wedding and preparing for our marriage. And i wonder - wow, had did this all happen so fast and yet feel so absolutely right?

A year is not always a long time, but i guess it is sometimes just the right amount of time.

Time enough to grow up and leave old habits behind, time to distance ourselves from old stories and memories we don't want. Time to be scared about having feelings again, and time to fall in love anyway despite all your reasons why you shouldn't.

Time to finally feel good about loving someone and feel appreciated and time to learn how to just accept love and the good things that go with it. Time enough to realize that nothing is perfect, but you can still be perfect for each other.

This year has been good to me. And as i'm looking at the clock - this time on this day next year, i will be married. I will have posed for all the pictures, and i will have my loved ones around me celebrating with me. I will be on my way to the reception most likely - ready for my first dance with my husband and a toast with my friends and family.

I promise to remember this moment. This moment that is right in the middle of how far i've come and how far it will take me.

Engaged!

I'm putting work on pause right now - even though i have so much to do. I just need a minute. or 5.

So - big catch up moment: I got engaged!

Life has been more of a whirlwind since then. It happened Sept 5, 2009. Seems like a good day to me. I loved it because as much as my fiance was so sure he would never surprise me - he did! He did have to catch me in a totally unguarded moment and i think it took us both by surprise. He asked me while i was vacuuming! lol

In the end, it was funny. And sweet because he just couldn't keep a secret any longer. And honestly - i'm glad it happened the way it did. Neither of us are huge romantics, and i think i take the most pleasure from those tiny sweet moments however unexpected they might be.

The ring is beautiful. More beautiful than i could ever imagine. It's funny how some people have every detail of "what they want" planned out before they even meet someone. I can't say i hadn't thought about what it would be like to meet the right person, what it might be like to be given a token of someone's love...but i really hadn't considered it too deeply.

Now that i have all this planning to do - i'm being forced into making decisions about so many things. I think i'm already not a fan of all this planning. But my hope is to get most of it done in advance so then it's not such a hassle at the end. I guess i'll be taking this one day at a time!

I never wear much jewlery - so it's been a bit of an adjustment. But i feel this deep attachment to it - i guess because it's just a symbol of what's next and this new chapter in my life.

I wonder if i'll ever just not pay attention to it or think twice about it. It's just so new. And i want to do everything right now and at the very same time not do anything at all. lol

I have a whole year to plan - so it won't be so bad. Plenty of time. Just trying to enjoy the moment while it's mine.

The Weaker Muscle

Despite not feeling super inspired to blog all the time, i'm still trying to force my creative hand.

I was thinking about how i used to write pages upon pages every day. I'm sure if i dug into that old worn cardboard box that is taped shut (for good reason) i'd probably be overwhelmed by the teenage angst that seeps from the pages. It used to help me so much to write everything out - and sometimes i feel like i used up all those creative juices early on and have been kind of running on empty since college.

I just started another good book - one that has potential to turn me on to a new author, which is something that doesn't happen very often. As i read books like this, it makes me miss writing. Makes me miss the act of entertaining someone with thoughtful or funny stories. And i feel inspired for like 10 seconds and usually that isn't enough time to get my slower than a snail computer to turn on in order for me to type while i'm still feeling that energy running through my blood.

I know - I should just take a journal with me and that way i always have it nearby to write in. Technology does stifle us sometimes i guess. But i've gotten out of the habit of writing with pen and paper. I probably type about 5 times as fast as i can write - so it just seems to take so long to write it down (literally).

And after typing that - i feel pretty lazy. lol

Either way - few of us strike gold upon first efforts and I keep on telling myself that if i just keep on plugging away, it'll come back to me. I gotta believe...

1991

A moment to breathe inside this craziness. Friday marks the move in of a new year of college students. This morning in our presidents opening address he told us non-mathematicians that this years college class were born in 1991. I remember 1991 very vividly. I would have just turned 11. I have a memory of walking into my parents bedroom and sitting on the bed and watching tv and wondering to myself what the next school year would be like. I had just moved the previous spring into a new school system in the middle of my 4th grade year. I hadn't been super successful at making friends and was determined to read books during all my spare time so i wouldn't have to feel lonely for my old school, old friends and the comfort of the familiar.

But summer time brought a new haircut (finally, my mother relinquished control over my hairstyles so i could DISCONTINUE the mullet), new clothes, a fresh tan (i actually tanned when i was younger) and a brand new pink and purple pencil box. 5th grade turned out to be awesome. I usually refer to it as the year i decided i would be funny. It worked.

So in the year i was coming into my own personality, taking control over some aspects of my appearance or at least starting to care about it - these freshman were just being born.

Working at a university keeps people young - at least that is what a lot of people tell me. I can see how, because no matter what years you remember vividly it's vital that you know what's going on RIGHT now in the worlds of 17-22 year olds. And you have no choice but to sing along to that new Black Eyed Peas song or tweet and use all consonants letters to send messages to others.

In the past, the time gap between when i was born and the incoming class didn't impact me much. But 1991 - that's a clear memory for me in terms of what was going on in my mind at that point in my life. The details are a bit more hazy beyond that. So it's stuck out to me this time around. Makes me feel a bit older and leaves me wondering if i'm any wiser for the extra decade that separates us, or if that's all just in my head.

As the new year starts, i'm thinking about how i'll remember this moment that made me feel a spark of maturity in my life after the next 10 years. What will i have figured out by then? Or will i still be singing songs to pop radio and blogging about trivial things?

A lot about changing lately....

Okay. I've not been very good about blogging lately. I'm trying to get away from that old saying that the best writing comes from the tormented. But honestly, it's hard to write consistently (at least for me) during times in my life where i'm feeling content. But on the other hand - i don't want to look back on my blog life and just see chapter upon chapter of sad and depressed. Because that's not really what my life is like. I just tend to document the bad stuff. Which is really quite sad.

Because i've been thinking a lot lately about happiness. And the future. And how in just one short year, my whole life has been flipped upsidedown and for once - i made the right decision for myself. I always joke that i'm right about 99% of the time (which is for the most part true ;) ) But ultimately, we've all made some bad decisions. Which i guess *sigh* means that i was probably wrong some of the time.

Either way - my point is that sometimes making those really gut wrenching this will change the direction my life is going choices is really the best medicine for someone in between a rock and a hard place. I mean - you got there by sort of wedging yourself in, perhaps trying to find some comfort in that weird spot. But the only way out is probably going to be a bit painful, it might leave some bruises or scratches. It might even leave a scar.

But being in the open - with no rock and no hard place in sight, it's like magic. A gulp of really fresh air when you've been indoors too long.

I've been reading a few friends blogs, and of course, talking to friends over the phone, the internet or in person. It seems like everyone is always talking about changing - it happening, it not happening, our refusal to let it happen (it will happen anyway).

Change is neccessary. Seasons change. There is day and night. There are clouds on some days and bright sunshine the next. There is a high tide, a low tide, and sometime no tide at all. The undertow sweeps one person away and is gone immediately. All around us - change is happening, and most of the time that change around us is actually TO us. Or in some peoples opinion - AT us. Like an attack.

It's unnatural to not change. I mean they have how many tv shows about people who are stuck in the past that need to be updated because they just look crazy dressing that way? Change is good. It keeps us moving, keeps us from growing stagnant in our lives, in our thoughts.

And even though its painful sometimes, change is the cure. On the other side of a really painful change - i have no choice but to be an advocate for change. Because it's brought me a new beginning and happiness that i didnt even know existed before.

So what if i had refused to change? If i allowed myself to stay wedged between that rock and hard place - waiting for it to just start feeling better instead of doing something about my situation? I would not be here. Literally. I would not be sitting at this computer writing this blog to you. Because i'd still be there - in that chair in a different city being miserable about several different situations in my life.

We have to open ourselves up to the danger of change. Let it consume us, let it reveal itself to us over time without us shoving it forward on our own paths or at our own speed.

It's like a train that you have to jump on - wind in your face, off to a new place. Or else you get left behind.