I make sure to blog on the day BEFORE i weigh in. Honestly, I don't want to have my time here impacted by the fact that i lost, gain or just held steady. As I've said before - this is not a sprint and so there will be some parts of the pathway that you move along easily, and others that will be more challenging. That's what I'm writing about today - those little excursions you might take that lead you away from your intended path.
So some weeks - you'll not lose weight because such and such happened. I've had an off week. And even though I haven't weighed and measured yet - I'm just expecting an off week in terms of weight loss/inches. BUT i'm okay with it.
WHAT?!?! you say??
Here's the thing - life happens. You can prepare as much as you want, and sometimes things just don't go your way. But that doesn't mean you should give up. It's so easy to have an off day or week and just say "to heck with this, it's not worth it."
PLEASE - Don't do this! Did you quit your job because you got a project that was hard or took more time than you wanted it to? Did you ever consider for a moment putting your kid up for adoption because despite all your efforts they just didn't meet your expectations?
So why are you being so hard on yourself when you aren't coming down equally as hard in other areas of your life? That's right - it's OKAY to mess up sometimes. Repeat that. Say it out loud. Do one better and tell someone else - because i'm telling you right now - It's okay to have a couple of off days.
What is NOT okay to do is give up on all the good work you've already put in just because it gets a little tough or your get sidetracked. Even if you just started to get serious about working out again, or eating healthy - maybe day one was great and day two was hard. It's OKAY!!!
I have never (and anyone who DOES tell you this is wrong) said that getting healthy is easy. It's a challenge. It requires time, effort, dedication, support and you know what else? It requires forgiveness.
So - if you haven't done this yet, I'm recommending that you take a moment out of your life today or this weekend and write yourself a letter. Here's mine. Give yourself permission to move forward. Tell yourself that what's in the past is in the past, and even though it'll be tough - you can forgive and forget. Move on toward who you really want to be. Forgive yourself. And keep forgiving yourself in this journey - but just make sure that you don't start making excuses for not getting back on track again.
Making excuses and forgiving yourself are TWO different things. So you ate a cookie, you enjoyed a piece of birthday cake, you had more wine or beer than you really should have. Okay - what's done is done. Start now - i mean RIGHT NOW! And do better.
Don't dwell on it. Acknowledge that you messed up - pull it together and eat something better for dinner tonight. Add an extra workout to your week. Do something positive for your body in return. It will say "thank you" even if the scale is a little evil on this week's weigh in day.
Keep moving. Literally. This can't be a journey if you aren't actually moving on way, shape or form!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
The Journey: Creating the Small Victories for Yourself
So last week I talked a little about the small victories. This week I'm thinking more about the wonderful little gifts i've experienced along the way.Sometimes we get in a rut when we don't lose the weight we wanted to lose on weigh in day. Or we try on that pair of pants that have been hanging in the closet waiting for us to just be skinny enough to work 'em a gain - and we're still not there. I'm here to say - that's okay. Keep going. You will get there. I still have a few more pants to conquer myself. So as much as i may be talking to you - i'm also reminding myself here.
Okay - first things first - you have to set yourself up to REALIZE the small victories. So if you are just weighing in every week, you really aren't helping yourself (or at least your self esteem) as much as you could be.
I recommend adding 2 things to your routine:
1) Start measuring. Measuring tapes are cheap and a great way to see progress even when it might not show up on the scale. I'm not an expert in all things measured or anything, but every week on weigh in day i measure my waist, hips, bust, thigh and bicep area. It makes you feel really cool after you do it for a month or so because you are like "wow - i've lost 4 inches!" (or something equally amazing).
2) Have your body composition measured. At my gym they have a little electronic body fat measurer (yes, very technical terminology i know). And you just put in your height, weight, male/female, age and then you hold on to it and it gives you a pretty decent estimate of your body fat % and how many pounds of lean mass you have.
I'll be honest - the first time i did this - i was appalled at my number. It made me feel like maybe i hadn't come all that far from the chubby middle school girl i was. But you have to start somewhere right? I made sure that i was alone, totally understood the instructions for how to work the device and then faced away from any area where someone might ACCIDENTALLY see any of my results (okay i still do this). I don't measure this on a weekly basis, although i could. But i do recommend adding this to something you do a semi regular basis.
Why? Well, because you can be losing weight and it might be muscle mass instead of fat. So you want to make sure you are losing fat and not just starving yourself and losing all the GOOD stuff you need in your body. In the long run - you want to be HEALTHY, not just skinny, right? So if you keep track of your body fat % you can see a more accurate picture of your health.
I measured my body fat again this week and i was pleased to see i had gone down 4% since the first time i checked it a few months ago. After doing a little reading and talking to some fitness guru's - I've been able to set a goal for myself based on my body fat % - not just pounds.
Here's the other biggie. I call it my "10 pounds and re-evaluate plan." I don't believe in setting goals that seem impossible. As i was cleaning out an old bin of writing a few weeks ago I ran across a note that i had written to myself about my goals. Sounds good, right? But i had set such an unrealistic goal for myself that no wonder it felt so impossible. No wonder i didn't get to that goal.
So now I set smaller goals so that i can celebrate small victories along the way. If you wait until you lose all 15, 25 or 50 pounds before you give yourself any sort of pat on the back - it might be a long lonely journey. Celebrate every victory! Every week, even a half pound is a victory. This journey is not something that will happen over night. It's more about you changing your life by adapting your lifestyle to be more healthy - and ultimately, you will end up being happier for it!
Even if you have 50 pounds or more to lose - don't even think about the 50 right now. Tell yourself your goal is to lose 10 pounds. When you lose 10 pounds, evaluate your situation - set up a new goal. Keep it manageable.
Don't forget - celebrate your victories! But i would avoid the bowl full of ice cream as your reward. What about a new shirt instead or a belt to hold up those now loose pants?
Until next week... :)
Okay - first things first - you have to set yourself up to REALIZE the small victories. So if you are just weighing in every week, you really aren't helping yourself (or at least your self esteem) as much as you could be.
I recommend adding 2 things to your routine:
1) Start measuring. Measuring tapes are cheap and a great way to see progress even when it might not show up on the scale. I'm not an expert in all things measured or anything, but every week on weigh in day i measure my waist, hips, bust, thigh and bicep area. It makes you feel really cool after you do it for a month or so because you are like "wow - i've lost 4 inches!" (or something equally amazing).
2) Have your body composition measured. At my gym they have a little electronic body fat measurer (yes, very technical terminology i know). And you just put in your height, weight, male/female, age and then you hold on to it and it gives you a pretty decent estimate of your body fat % and how many pounds of lean mass you have.
I'll be honest - the first time i did this - i was appalled at my number. It made me feel like maybe i hadn't come all that far from the chubby middle school girl i was. But you have to start somewhere right? I made sure that i was alone, totally understood the instructions for how to work the device and then faced away from any area where someone might ACCIDENTALLY see any of my results (okay i still do this). I don't measure this on a weekly basis, although i could. But i do recommend adding this to something you do a semi regular basis.
Why? Well, because you can be losing weight and it might be muscle mass instead of fat. So you want to make sure you are losing fat and not just starving yourself and losing all the GOOD stuff you need in your body. In the long run - you want to be HEALTHY, not just skinny, right? So if you keep track of your body fat % you can see a more accurate picture of your health.
I measured my body fat again this week and i was pleased to see i had gone down 4% since the first time i checked it a few months ago. After doing a little reading and talking to some fitness guru's - I've been able to set a goal for myself based on my body fat % - not just pounds.
Here's the other biggie. I call it my "10 pounds and re-evaluate plan." I don't believe in setting goals that seem impossible. As i was cleaning out an old bin of writing a few weeks ago I ran across a note that i had written to myself about my goals. Sounds good, right? But i had set such an unrealistic goal for myself that no wonder it felt so impossible. No wonder i didn't get to that goal.
So now I set smaller goals so that i can celebrate small victories along the way. If you wait until you lose all 15, 25 or 50 pounds before you give yourself any sort of pat on the back - it might be a long lonely journey. Celebrate every victory! Every week, even a half pound is a victory. This journey is not something that will happen over night. It's more about you changing your life by adapting your lifestyle to be more healthy - and ultimately, you will end up being happier for it!
Even if you have 50 pounds or more to lose - don't even think about the 50 right now. Tell yourself your goal is to lose 10 pounds. When you lose 10 pounds, evaluate your situation - set up a new goal. Keep it manageable.
Don't forget - celebrate your victories! But i would avoid the bowl full of ice cream as your reward. What about a new shirt instead or a belt to hold up those now loose pants?
Until next week... :)
The Journey: Being Prepared means...PREPARING!!
This is my 2nd entry (we'll get caught up soon!)
Thursday, February 4, 2010 at 12:24pm
Thursday, February 4, 2010 at 12:24pm
Before I get into the whole Preparation thing I have to share this.
I usually have weigh in days on Friday. So today is Thursday and i just want to put it out there that i'm feeling good about this week BEFORE i've even gotten on the scale. It's hard - you want to see the number on the scale before you feel good about yourself. But i'm trying to take into consideration other things like - how my pants fit this morning. 6 months ago i couldn't even button them, today they were lose. Small victories along the way are some of the best rewards on this journey.
I think that a lot of people who are trying to lose weight, get fit, etc set themselves up for failure because you expect too much, too soon. I'm here to tell you - slow and steady wins this particular race.
Anyone can starve themselves for a week and drop a big number. But is that sustainable - is that how you want to live your life? I don't. I gotta be honest - i like to eat good food!
One of the best things i've done in this journey started about a year ago. It was simply a matter of preparing in advance. My then boyfriend (now fiance) and I both were trying to save on money and i wanted to try and eat better. So we decided we would start making a grocery list together and pick four meals and just split them. Each of us would eat the same meal twice during the week.
So if you're not following me:
1. Find someone who wants to get on this healthy train with you - make a commitment to shop together (YOU GET TO SPLIT YOUR GROCERY BILL IN HALF!!!)
2. Pick out 4 meals that look yummy and are healthy. (I suggest www.eatingwell.com, and www.cookinglight.com - they both have loads of yummy recipes. Salads, entrees, sides, etc)
3. Commit to spending a few hours together on the weekend or an evening where you cook all your meals together.
4. Invest in some tupperware and pre-portion all the meals. Take yours home, and the other person takes theirs home.
5. Now all you have to do is pop your pre made meal in the microwave/oven or just eat it if its a salad.
The great thing about this is - you know how many calories are in it - because you PICKED it in advance.It forces you to try new things because you don't want to eat the same things all the time. Sure you will find a few staple recipes - like chicken or tuna salad - and you can have fun mixing up the seasonings etc to give it a different spin.
We've been doing this for over a year. It's great because it costs a lot to shop alone and eat alone. If you can find a friend, co-worker, neighbor or your bf/gf, finance, wife/husband, sister, etc who wants to commit to be fit, you can dramatically lower your grocery bill. I spend an average of $50 at the grocery each week. Now this includes breakfast for 5 days, 8 meals (lunch and dinner), healthy snacks like yogurt, granola, 100 calorie popcorn, etc and drinks. It often includes household items as well - like shampoo or dog food for my puppy.
What i'm saying is - preparation can help you save money and be healthier. Now some of you may be thinking - 8 meals? That's not enough for Monday - Friday lunch and dinner. Well, here's the thing, last time i checked, i was human. Sometimes things come up and i need to go out with an employer for lunch or my friend is having a crisis and needs to meet for dinner. I allow myself 2 meals during the week to "go out." I still try to make decent choices. I love to go out to eat, so this helps me keep it in check in terms of healthy eating habits and spending money!
What about breakfast, you ask? We pick out a healthy breakfast and just eat the same thing all week long. Right now - we're on this bagel thins, turkey sausage and reduced fat cheese breakfast sandwich kick. It's delicious and under 300 calories (even with my coffee and reduced fat creamer).
So there is still a lot of room for personal taste here. Being prepared is the best thing you can do for your journey to be successful. Even if you aren't trying to lose weight - this idea is great for people looking to save money and time. And on the weekends - keep in check. Everything in moderation - but a little room for freedom and fun.
Don't forget to check in next time for more updates and tips on "The Journey" and check out my first entry from last week!
I usually have weigh in days on Friday. So today is Thursday and i just want to put it out there that i'm feeling good about this week BEFORE i've even gotten on the scale. It's hard - you want to see the number on the scale before you feel good about yourself. But i'm trying to take into consideration other things like - how my pants fit this morning. 6 months ago i couldn't even button them, today they were lose. Small victories along the way are some of the best rewards on this journey.
I think that a lot of people who are trying to lose weight, get fit, etc set themselves up for failure because you expect too much, too soon. I'm here to tell you - slow and steady wins this particular race.
Anyone can starve themselves for a week and drop a big number. But is that sustainable - is that how you want to live your life? I don't. I gotta be honest - i like to eat good food!
One of the best things i've done in this journey started about a year ago. It was simply a matter of preparing in advance. My then boyfriend (now fiance) and I both were trying to save on money and i wanted to try and eat better. So we decided we would start making a grocery list together and pick four meals and just split them. Each of us would eat the same meal twice during the week.
So if you're not following me:
1. Find someone who wants to get on this healthy train with you - make a commitment to shop together (YOU GET TO SPLIT YOUR GROCERY BILL IN HALF!!!)
2. Pick out 4 meals that look yummy and are healthy. (I suggest www.eatingwell.com, and www.cookinglight.com - they both have loads of yummy recipes. Salads, entrees, sides, etc)
3. Commit to spending a few hours together on the weekend or an evening where you cook all your meals together.
4. Invest in some tupperware and pre-portion all the meals. Take yours home, and the other person takes theirs home.
5. Now all you have to do is pop your pre made meal in the microwave/oven or just eat it if its a salad.
The great thing about this is - you know how many calories are in it - because you PICKED it in advance.It forces you to try new things because you don't want to eat the same things all the time. Sure you will find a few staple recipes - like chicken or tuna salad - and you can have fun mixing up the seasonings etc to give it a different spin.
We've been doing this for over a year. It's great because it costs a lot to shop alone and eat alone. If you can find a friend, co-worker, neighbor or your bf/gf, finance, wife/husband, sister, etc who wants to commit to be fit, you can dramatically lower your grocery bill. I spend an average of $50 at the grocery each week. Now this includes breakfast for 5 days, 8 meals (lunch and dinner), healthy snacks like yogurt, granola, 100 calorie popcorn, etc and drinks. It often includes household items as well - like shampoo or dog food for my puppy.
What i'm saying is - preparation can help you save money and be healthier. Now some of you may be thinking - 8 meals? That's not enough for Monday - Friday lunch and dinner. Well, here's the thing, last time i checked, i was human. Sometimes things come up and i need to go out with an employer for lunch or my friend is having a crisis and needs to meet for dinner. I allow myself 2 meals during the week to "go out." I still try to make decent choices. I love to go out to eat, so this helps me keep it in check in terms of healthy eating habits and spending money!
What about breakfast, you ask? We pick out a healthy breakfast and just eat the same thing all week long. Right now - we're on this bagel thins, turkey sausage and reduced fat cheese breakfast sandwich kick. It's delicious and under 300 calories (even with my coffee and reduced fat creamer).
So there is still a lot of room for personal taste here. Being prepared is the best thing you can do for your journey to be successful. Even if you aren't trying to lose weight - this idea is great for people looking to save money and time. And on the weekends - keep in check. Everything in moderation - but a little room for freedom and fun.
Don't forget to check in next time for more updates and tips on "The Journey" and check out my first entry from last week!
The Journey - Month 1
I've been blogging more on facebook recently - so i thought i'd post it here too. This was my first entry....
Friday, January 29, 2010 at 9:23am
So - i started this journey way longer than a month ago - i feel like it's been a life time of working at it, and not working at it and then having to work harder due to my lack of motivation. But i figure that updating the world once in awhile might keep me on track - and maybe inspire others to do something about their situations as well.
For as long as i can remember I've wanted to lose weight. But in my adult life - i started understanding that it wasn't about being skinny - what i wanted was something bigger than that. I wanted to be fit.
There have been lots of ups and downs on this road. But i've really gotten back on track in 2010 and i'm feeling good about it. I've almost lost 25 pounds since i started "sort of" trying over the last year. As time progressed, I found myself in love with one workout in particular - Turbo Kick. So in love, that i actually went through the training to become a certified turbo kick instructor.
I think that was the first "real" decision i had made in a long time that would have a positive impact on my "be fit" goal. Now i'm team teaching a Turbo Kick class every Thursday - and it makes me butterflies in my stomach nervous, anxious, excited and pumped up all at the same time. It's something TOTALLY out of my comfort zone. But someone once told me that you can't really ever expect to grow unless you move out of your comfort zone and try something new. So here I am.
Honestly, I'm not where I need to be yet. I know that - but the word that always comes back up for me is "Journey" and this one is mine to travel, wherever it may take me. And i'm trying to hold on tight as I keep going - some weeks are victories and others I feel defeated. But i just have to keep moving because what happens when you just stay put? You get left behind.
So in this first month of 2010 - I've lost about 5 pounds so far. And i'm 6 away from my first goal. Don't be fooled - i have more goals beyond the first one. I like to break it down into more reachable goals - so i don't feel overwhelmed.
My Suggestions from the Journey so far:
1. If you have a goal - I'd recommend breaking it down into more "do-able" segments as well.
So if you have 50 pounds to lose - set your first goal as 10 pounds. And then when you get there,
have another goal of 10 pounds, etc. This will keep your confidence up!
2. Spend time searching for what one of my inspiring fitness gurus, Chalene Johnson, calls your "soul mate workout." If you don't love what you do - how will you ever keep it up? The journey is going to be tough enough without hating every step of the way.
Maybe i'll have some other inspiring tips along the way. But for now - I'm just gonna keep on moving!
Friday, January 29, 2010 at 9:23am
So - i started this journey way longer than a month ago - i feel like it's been a life time of working at it, and not working at it and then having to work harder due to my lack of motivation. But i figure that updating the world once in awhile might keep me on track - and maybe inspire others to do something about their situations as well.
For as long as i can remember I've wanted to lose weight. But in my adult life - i started understanding that it wasn't about being skinny - what i wanted was something bigger than that. I wanted to be fit.
There have been lots of ups and downs on this road. But i've really gotten back on track in 2010 and i'm feeling good about it. I've almost lost 25 pounds since i started "sort of" trying over the last year. As time progressed, I found myself in love with one workout in particular - Turbo Kick. So in love, that i actually went through the training to become a certified turbo kick instructor.
I think that was the first "real" decision i had made in a long time that would have a positive impact on my "be fit" goal. Now i'm team teaching a Turbo Kick class every Thursday - and it makes me butterflies in my stomach nervous, anxious, excited and pumped up all at the same time. It's something TOTALLY out of my comfort zone. But someone once told me that you can't really ever expect to grow unless you move out of your comfort zone and try something new. So here I am.
Honestly, I'm not where I need to be yet. I know that - but the word that always comes back up for me is "Journey" and this one is mine to travel, wherever it may take me. And i'm trying to hold on tight as I keep going - some weeks are victories and others I feel defeated. But i just have to keep moving because what happens when you just stay put? You get left behind.
So in this first month of 2010 - I've lost about 5 pounds so far. And i'm 6 away from my first goal. Don't be fooled - i have more goals beyond the first one. I like to break it down into more reachable goals - so i don't feel overwhelmed.
My Suggestions from the Journey so far:
1. If you have a goal - I'd recommend breaking it down into more "do-able" segments as well.
So if you have 50 pounds to lose - set your first goal as 10 pounds. And then when you get there,
have another goal of 10 pounds, etc. This will keep your confidence up!
2. Spend time searching for what one of my inspiring fitness gurus, Chalene Johnson, calls your "soul mate workout." If you don't love what you do - how will you ever keep it up? The journey is going to be tough enough without hating every step of the way.
Maybe i'll have some other inspiring tips along the way. But for now - I'm just gonna keep on moving!
Friday, January 29, 2010
Spam
I'm not really sure why I bother with blogging. It definitely is like writing a letter and never mailing it. Which i have done many a time in my life. I used to belong to another blog community and i felt like i found like minded people there and it was nice to feel like someone out there was reading this. This site seems a little lonely. I know it's mostly because i don't have time to really add more people to my reading list - or comment. I miss my old blog world - but i'm just not sure going back would be the same.
So much has changed, and time has passed. People move on. I miss quiet nites where i could be alone with my thoughts and give the space and time for a really great blog entry to surface. Things feel crowded in the evenings now - like there is never enough time to get things accomplished. A race to see how many things can be checked off a list. It makes me tired. It's sad that i have to be downright sick to allow myself a day of laying around watching old movies and dozing off.
I'm torn between wanting to be the non-stop person, always on to the next thing. Planning out my days, checking my calendar to make sure nothing is already planned. Turning down offers to hang out last minute because i've been booked for awhile. It all feels very rehearsed. I went from no schedule whatsoever to being totally and completely scheduled. I think my work format has started to transfer over to my life outside of work - and honestly, as much as i LOVE my blackberry - it is probably due to my phone that i feel such a need to be scheduled.
Or maybe this is just life. And as we grow up - our ability to be spontaneous dims.
So much has changed, and time has passed. People move on. I miss quiet nites where i could be alone with my thoughts and give the space and time for a really great blog entry to surface. Things feel crowded in the evenings now - like there is never enough time to get things accomplished. A race to see how many things can be checked off a list. It makes me tired. It's sad that i have to be downright sick to allow myself a day of laying around watching old movies and dozing off.
I'm torn between wanting to be the non-stop person, always on to the next thing. Planning out my days, checking my calendar to make sure nothing is already planned. Turning down offers to hang out last minute because i've been booked for awhile. It all feels very rehearsed. I went from no schedule whatsoever to being totally and completely scheduled. I think my work format has started to transfer over to my life outside of work - and honestly, as much as i LOVE my blackberry - it is probably due to my phone that i feel such a need to be scheduled.
Or maybe this is just life. And as we grow up - our ability to be spontaneous dims.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
This Decade
I started out this decade as a freshman in college. I remember over the holiday break for 99/00 I heard from one of my friends (still one of my friends) that he wouldn't be returning to college in the spring because he barely made grades enough for a GPA to be calculated. For whatever reason i remember sitting on my bed in my room in Danville, Kentucky thinking that him not being back at school in the spring would change the whole dynamic of college life. How would we all move on?
I remember contemplating whether i should try alcohol or not. Did that make me a bad person? I remember becoming involved in in Phi Mu and how no one had really figured out that i had a serious intellectual side yet because i was always a goof ball.
I remember one of my friends breaking up with his girlfriend back at home because they just couldn't stop the change that college brings. I remember him crying in my lap in my dorm room and me reading him this really sappy children's book trying to cheer him up.
I remember falling in love for the first time with a Canadian. And how happy and scary it was being in that situation. I remember being happy and not happy all in the same breath. I remember spending my holidays with him and his family in Canada and living in his little tiny room for several weeks during the summer and trying to figure out how to ride the bus since I didn't have a car.
I remember the friends that i made, kept, and lost during the last decade of my life. There are so few that started this decade with me and are still in that same spot at the end of it.
I recall moving from college to Canada to work full time on a temporary work visa. Having no friends and struggling with my decision to try and be "religious" again but not really understanding how to do that. Saving up to move to New Zealand - moving there with no job, no home, no transportation - just the idea that we would go to NZ and live for a year. I remember spending those 8 months struggling with my faith - reaching out to friends from back home that i hadn't talked to in way too long because they were my only connection to who i once was.
Those years were transformative years. The first 5 years of this past decade morphed me into a completely different person. The beginnings of an adult.
The last five years were me again struggling to figure out who i wanted to be. Being single again after not being single for so long and falling into love with the wrong person - again. Learning how to be mad and stay mad - how to know when it's time to move on. That's what i spent the next 3 years learning with both friendships and love.
And the last year has been about second chances, and being who i am regardless of how anyone else feels about it. Coming into my own. Being a prude when that's how i really feel - saying what i think like i used to when i was 16 and you said something i didn't like about God.
Again - wondering about my faith and talking to God, and remembering how to pray. Opening up to my sister and falling in love for the last time.
And now...2010, engaged. Living in a house where the discussion "could we have a family here" played a role in the selection. Starting a new job, well past my master's degree and starting new challenges like trying to be a fitness instructor.
I never would have guessed I'd be here. But it feels like the best version of my self in a long time, maybe ever. And we're not done yet.
I remember contemplating whether i should try alcohol or not. Did that make me a bad person? I remember becoming involved in in Phi Mu and how no one had really figured out that i had a serious intellectual side yet because i was always a goof ball.
I remember one of my friends breaking up with his girlfriend back at home because they just couldn't stop the change that college brings. I remember him crying in my lap in my dorm room and me reading him this really sappy children's book trying to cheer him up.
I remember falling in love for the first time with a Canadian. And how happy and scary it was being in that situation. I remember being happy and not happy all in the same breath. I remember spending my holidays with him and his family in Canada and living in his little tiny room for several weeks during the summer and trying to figure out how to ride the bus since I didn't have a car.
I remember the friends that i made, kept, and lost during the last decade of my life. There are so few that started this decade with me and are still in that same spot at the end of it.
I recall moving from college to Canada to work full time on a temporary work visa. Having no friends and struggling with my decision to try and be "religious" again but not really understanding how to do that. Saving up to move to New Zealand - moving there with no job, no home, no transportation - just the idea that we would go to NZ and live for a year. I remember spending those 8 months struggling with my faith - reaching out to friends from back home that i hadn't talked to in way too long because they were my only connection to who i once was.
Those years were transformative years. The first 5 years of this past decade morphed me into a completely different person. The beginnings of an adult.
The last five years were me again struggling to figure out who i wanted to be. Being single again after not being single for so long and falling into love with the wrong person - again. Learning how to be mad and stay mad - how to know when it's time to move on. That's what i spent the next 3 years learning with both friendships and love.
And the last year has been about second chances, and being who i am regardless of how anyone else feels about it. Coming into my own. Being a prude when that's how i really feel - saying what i think like i used to when i was 16 and you said something i didn't like about God.
Again - wondering about my faith and talking to God, and remembering how to pray. Opening up to my sister and falling in love for the last time.
And now...2010, engaged. Living in a house where the discussion "could we have a family here" played a role in the selection. Starting a new job, well past my master's degree and starting new challenges like trying to be a fitness instructor.
I never would have guessed I'd be here. But it feels like the best version of my self in a long time, maybe ever. And we're not done yet.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
All That I Said
One of my projects over the holiday break was to unpack the guest room. The guest room is really like my "dressing room" because half my clothes are in the closet there and our dresser with clothes is also placed in that room. In addition, there are about 3 big rubbermaid bins just full of stuff.
Well, it looks like stuff to the common eye. I know better.
It's like everything in my life that was important enough to carry with me since I left home in kentucky. I packed those bins back in 2003 when my mom told me that when i came back from New Zealand, they would have already sold the house and moved. So i packed up all that "stuff" that usually your parents keep for you up in their attic. Like report cards from middle school and a copy of the hand drawn birthday invitations courtesy of yours truly for my 5th grade birthday party.
So when my dear fiance told me it was a project to unpack - I hesitated. Sorting through all that stuff again would take me a year. How to decide what to keep - what is trash, what is worth remembering and what am i not ready to forget yet?
I ended up starting this project at the very end of the break and i'm not anywhere near done. It will take me forever to truly finish. I think it's mostly because these boxes of "stuff" are literally boxes that i need to keep. Now - i agree that some it can go. Everytime i sort thru these boxes, i'm ready to let go of something.
But there are those stories and daydreams i wrote daily all through highschool, those painful entries about my struggle to be who God wanted me to be. The entries after my sister was born kept in a school journal when i was in elementary school. The account of my father telling us we were moving from my birthplace into a new city and i would have to make new friends when i was 10. How much it hurt when he moved a year before we did and i only got to see him on weekends.
In highschool, all the notes that I got from Genie and Jennifer and Sarah Biggs. Folded in crazy ways that i know i'll never figure out again. The art is lost on me. The funny pictures and sayins we had that i would forget about if i didn't have them stored away so i could read them again - later in life.
The terrible pictures of me from middle school. Braces, hairspray bangs and no clue how to apply makeup. Why did my mom let me wear that outfit? And i look at them now and am thankful that i turned out pretty okay, even though i still want to lose those 20 pounds.
1000's of cards i've gone through. Happy graduation - 3 times over. Highschool, College, Grad School. Finding my constants. The people that have been there through it all, or most of it. The birthday cards from my now deceased grandparents. My finger moving over the pen marks on their card - wondering if it will help me reconnect with them. Do i keep it? Does throwing it away make it trash? Or just something i have to let go of?
The pictures from past relationships - wondering what i was thinking. Who was i at that moment to be with them and them with me? I inspect my smile and wonder: Was i happy?
Keeping a few of the pics because I need to remember. I need to document my life. On paper. I need to keep a few momentos from even those darkest times to remind me of how far i've come. Looking around in this guest room - I see my engagement ring in my jewelry box, the envelope with a few copies of our engagement pictures, the new necklace RJ got me for christmas. This is my present. Things that aren't going in the box to be reviewed later. It's mine to keep out in the open and hang on the wall for others to see. The tears this time are because I'm happy, finally, with how things turned out.
And the tears as i continue to place items from these boxes into "keep" "trash" and "i'm not ready yet" are bittersweet. I see the flicker of an old photo - me and my friends. Friends who are still in my life. A chill runs through my body. I realize it's not the end of a road at all, it's just the wind at my back as I continue this journey.
Well, it looks like stuff to the common eye. I know better.
It's like everything in my life that was important enough to carry with me since I left home in kentucky. I packed those bins back in 2003 when my mom told me that when i came back from New Zealand, they would have already sold the house and moved. So i packed up all that "stuff" that usually your parents keep for you up in their attic. Like report cards from middle school and a copy of the hand drawn birthday invitations courtesy of yours truly for my 5th grade birthday party.
So when my dear fiance told me it was a project to unpack - I hesitated. Sorting through all that stuff again would take me a year. How to decide what to keep - what is trash, what is worth remembering and what am i not ready to forget yet?
I ended up starting this project at the very end of the break and i'm not anywhere near done. It will take me forever to truly finish. I think it's mostly because these boxes of "stuff" are literally boxes that i need to keep. Now - i agree that some it can go. Everytime i sort thru these boxes, i'm ready to let go of something.
But there are those stories and daydreams i wrote daily all through highschool, those painful entries about my struggle to be who God wanted me to be. The entries after my sister was born kept in a school journal when i was in elementary school. The account of my father telling us we were moving from my birthplace into a new city and i would have to make new friends when i was 10. How much it hurt when he moved a year before we did and i only got to see him on weekends.
In highschool, all the notes that I got from Genie and Jennifer and Sarah Biggs. Folded in crazy ways that i know i'll never figure out again. The art is lost on me. The funny pictures and sayins we had that i would forget about if i didn't have them stored away so i could read them again - later in life.
The terrible pictures of me from middle school. Braces, hairspray bangs and no clue how to apply makeup. Why did my mom let me wear that outfit? And i look at them now and am thankful that i turned out pretty okay, even though i still want to lose those 20 pounds.
1000's of cards i've gone through. Happy graduation - 3 times over. Highschool, College, Grad School. Finding my constants. The people that have been there through it all, or most of it. The birthday cards from my now deceased grandparents. My finger moving over the pen marks on their card - wondering if it will help me reconnect with them. Do i keep it? Does throwing it away make it trash? Or just something i have to let go of?
The pictures from past relationships - wondering what i was thinking. Who was i at that moment to be with them and them with me? I inspect my smile and wonder: Was i happy?
Keeping a few of the pics because I need to remember. I need to document my life. On paper. I need to keep a few momentos from even those darkest times to remind me of how far i've come. Looking around in this guest room - I see my engagement ring in my jewelry box, the envelope with a few copies of our engagement pictures, the new necklace RJ got me for christmas. This is my present. Things that aren't going in the box to be reviewed later. It's mine to keep out in the open and hang on the wall for others to see. The tears this time are because I'm happy, finally, with how things turned out.
And the tears as i continue to place items from these boxes into "keep" "trash" and "i'm not ready yet" are bittersweet. I see the flicker of an old photo - me and my friends. Friends who are still in my life. A chill runs through my body. I realize it's not the end of a road at all, it's just the wind at my back as I continue this journey.
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