This one is for you. All of you.

Becoming an adult sort of happens upon you. It's not all at once, but a pile of events that start adding up. And as you deal with them, each time, you are a little more adult. Some of thees adult experiences can happen at a really young age...making us mature a little faster than the rest. It could be something as simple as becoming a leader at school or at church, or something more serious like losing a loved one.

Tiny little pieces of the puzzle coming together to create a bigger picture - one that looks like an adult if you look at it just right.

Some events are exciting, little getting your first or second career job. Buying a house. Adopting a puppy. Being asked to marry the person you love. Others are not so great - like learning that some people are total assholes (and that adults are assholes, too - not just middle schoolers like you hoped when you were 12). Learning that people around you may not be who they said they were. Figuring out you've been lied to, being stabbed in the back.


Good or bad, these events piling on top of each other forces the inner child out and starts making you feel more adult. I can't say i like it all the time. This weekend i have a variety of events happens to people around me and one actually happened to me and i just found myself thinking a million things.

After the first event, i found myself thinking about how blessed i was in my relationship because I finally met the right person. After the second event, i was thanking God that i still had my family members in my life - alive and well and i found myself getting a little teary eyed thinking about the day that i know will come - when my parents pass away. I can only hope that day is a long day from now. But i was thankful that God hasn't taken them from me yet. I am blessed.

The third event reminded me of the first event, and how terrible human beings can be to each other. Nasty words, criminal intentions, violence and no sense of remorse for some. I spent a lot of time thinking about my relationship now and how glad i was that i had gotten out of my last relationship which was not a good or happy situation. And i spent a lot of time feeling helpless and thinking about how words were never enough, and even though i could hug one person, i could only send letters in short sentences to the other - hoping and praying that a few of them would make it through the armor that is now there.

I see this armor in people all the time. But strange enough, I'm seeing it among people i'm closest to the most lately and i wonder: how did we get here? How did we become adults dealing with adult situations? And i want to hold them close to me and pull those bad memories away. Take away the pain and hurt and help them remember those good things about being an adult. But with every negative word, with those criminal intentions - violent or not, i see the armor solidify in front of me and i desperately put my hand on their hand praying that i can keep them here, on this side, with me. I don't want them to think it's too late. That they deserve less than they do, or that humans really are that terrible. I want to show them proof that they can take off that armor, and not be so frightened.

But it's hard after nights of violence. It's hard after harsh words and trust being broken, after believing someone is someone different - and seeing the harsh reality of that lie in front of them. It's hard for me to keep telling them it will be okay. Because right now, it's not okay. It's going to take awhile for it to be okay, and i want them to know i'll be holding their hands the whole time. Because i believe desperately that light will find them again, and they will want to take that heavy suit off, and try things again.


And after all this, my problem seems dumb. It seems trivial. And even though i'm having feelings of disappointment, anger and a general need to reiterate how right i've been all along - it just seems like a moot point. After all everyone else has been through, this is just a piece in my puzzle. The one that connects your head to your heart, you have to look closely. It's like an invisible line that connects every atom of your body to the next, and you can't break it. You can't change it's course.
It's a piece of you and it is your entire person. It's what makes this puzzle a picture, what holds it all together. And i realize that being angry doesn't change love. Being disappointed or wanting to say " i told you so" doesn't change love.

It's always there. And so there is forgiveness today. And sadness for those that i love that have been hurt in different ways. Those who's lives have been changed forever, in just a moment. Some in ways that no one will ever know. But i will. I do. And i'll carry the burden with them, my hand on theirs for as long as they want.

Falling from Nowhere

It's oppressive, almost like a knife could cut through it. This feeling i have. But it's not always here, just sometimes when life starts feeling so heavy.

I'm almost 30 and sometimes i feel like my life isn't where i want it to be, and other times i feel so grateful that my life is what it is. I guess there are parts of my life that i'm extremely happy about...and others that my mind is changing about.

It's funny how people always think about what they want to "be" when they grow up. I think what i'm "being" is overrated right now. I think what i'm "being" is called underpaid sometimes, or really frustrating. And then, sometimes i'll get a feeling after i've truly helped someone and then it feels right. and good.

I know i'm just BEING dramatic, or tired. Or stressed out. About a million things and i can only name one every other day because i just can't find the words. People ask how they can help and i just don't have any way of letting people help me.

I remember in that little time capsule i made when i was all of 16 in highschool, when i stumbled upon it 13 years later the advice i gave to myself was "don't keep it all inside, remember to talk to people about it." I was thinking about those words of wisdom as i had to abruptly leave my office today to go outside for a walk because i felt like i was going to have a meltdown.

I felt the ball in the back of my throat - you know that feeling? The one that u convince yourself if you can swallow it back down that it will go away? God, that hurts. But it's worse to cry sometimes.

And by the time i've gone around the block once, I'm hot and my eyes aren't all watery anymore and I'm still not sure why i got so upset in the first place. That is all the more frustrating to me. That is BEING idiotic.

So i can't really name it. It's life that is stressing me out, mine in particular. Maybe i just figured i'd worry less about some things at this point in my life, or that i'd have more figured out. Turns out, sometimes i'm 16 again still trying to predict the future.