Without You When You're Here

It's weird how you can live with someone, and still feel like you never see them. I guess i've experienced this with roommates before, but it's different when this person is the man you are going to marry.

He works 2:30-11:30pm, i work 8:30-5pm. So the weekdays are a bust. Dinner alone. TV at nite, alone. Teaching Yoshi tricks and "no bites" - alone. I was noticing last nite as i was looking at everyone's facebook updates about how it was such a perfect night to snuggle up with their hubby (or insert whatever term you want here) on the couch and watch tv.

It got me thinking that I've never really had a normal relationship. I had long distance relationships for a long time. And when i did live with one of my boyfriends when we were living abroad - it still was a not-normal situation because we were in a different country, out of our normal daily lives, etc.

And it was for a limited amount of time.

I figured that when my now fiance and i first started dating - him working evenings and me working days would give me the slow progression i needed to actually dating someone who lived down the street vs. another state. But now i'm kinda over the need for that slow progression and we both want "normal" (or at least our version of normal) in our lives right now.

He went out of town to visit old friends last weekend and i found myself sitting on the couch with the dog watching tv and being really lonely. I don't know how to not be with him on the weekends. Because that's our only time together. And this whole week has just felt so strange because i feel like its been two weeks since i've actually had more than an hour with him. And we live together!

It's not his fault. It's not my fault. It just sucks. And while i'm SO glad that we both are gainfully employed - it's so frustrating that we're never home at the same time. Then the weekends become this game of who made plans first, and all our commitments to family and friends and all of a sudden the weekend is over and we're back to eating dinner out of tupperware and sending texts messages so we actually feel like we talk during the day.

In some ways - i'm really proud of myself for wanting more. I've been really good at sheltering my feelings and keeping people outside of "what i need" my whole life when it comes to relationships. I guess that's why the long distance thing felt safe.

So i'm happy to have found someone that weekends aren't enough with. Someone that a phone conversation once a day doesn't fill my cup. I mean, it's definitely where we are right now - and until the economy changes our circumstances won't. Many people are worse off than we are - and i am 100% thankful for paying jobs regardless of the heartache it brings to both of us.

It's sort of bittersweet. Or ironic. I finally want to see someone everyday for dinner and breakfast and lunch and tv time and outside time and gym time - i'm finally open to all of that and not afraid of it, not afraid of sharing my entire life with the same person. And now that i finally found this person - he's right here, and we are still without each other so much of the time.

A Work in Progress

So, having a dog is a lot of work. Having a puppy is like turning your world upside down.

Never have i worried so much about a little being in my house. Of course, I've taken care of other people's children and not that that isn't stressful at times - but in the end, they eventually go back home to their mothers and fathers.

Well this little puppy is with me for good. There is no break, no "wow, that was a long day" and going home to relax anymore. Now there are vet bills, and me worrying about him teething and trying to teach him right from wrong.

Establishing puppy talk such as:
"No bites!"
"Icy?"
"Where is squirrel?"
"Go find monkey!"
"Do your business!"

I feel like most the time i have no idea what i'm doing. I've never had so much constant responsibility. If something happens, I'm in charge. I'm always hoping nothing happens. If there is ever a tick - will i be able to figure out what i should do?

The nights of endless barking aren't as bas as they were at first. He's actually learning how to use the doggy door which has made the whole "Do your business" thing a lot easier. But he still barks and howls at everything. Especially me when I'm trying to do something else.

After a particularly terrible puppy evening a few weeks ago, my fiance said "If you can't handle this puppy - how will we ever have children?"

All i could think is "you are absolutely right. This is making me believe I'll be a terrible mother."

And i was disappointed in myself. Wondering where all my patience had gone. Wondering if i could ever have enough love and patience to deal with an actual human being depending on me for it's entire existence if i can't even put up with an over excitable puppy.

Is this a lesson learned? A warning?

And then i turn around to see him quietly nestled on one of my fiances pillow - sleeping and being so amazingly cute.












I see him tackling a tiny pumpkin and wondering what i ever did before we had him.

And i'm thinking how warm and exciting it is to start our family. And how patience isn't something you receive overnight - it's always a work in progress. And how one night he frustrates me, and the next I'm in love.

Welcome to our family, little Yoshi, my big brown bear!

Permission to be Beautiful

Dear Self,
I give you permission to lose weight. I give you 100% support for feeling good about yourself, inside and out. I'm telling you it will be okay if people look at you and if someone might tell you you are pretty - it will be okay. It might even feel good.

I give you permission to forget the times in your life that you have felt ugly because you didn't like the way you looked, or someone else said something that made you feel bad about yourself. I allow you to look back on old pictures and laugh and realize that you are not that person anymore and to be happy that you have made progress.

I'm just letting you know that this fight is one you fight with yourself and no one else. In the end, only you are standing in our way. Your fear of being noticed, and your fear of it not being because someone is saying or thinking something nice is one that you can let go of now.

You have my permission to feel beautiful.

Love,
Me.


I think i've been standing in my own way for a long time. I have joked with some of my friends that i self sabotage - but i've been realizing lately that it's not a joke. I do it for real. I am catching myself trying to self-sabotage lately and I'm putting a stop to it. I'm one of those people who loves to be the center of attention and at the same time it has to be on my own terms. I am actually pretty shy if you were to look down deep into my soul.

I spent a lot of my life learning to laugh at myself and in the process ended up finding out that im pretty funny. And when people are laughing at me because i'm being funny - i'm happy with that. But in an instant, i'm feeling self conscious they are laughing at a joke ABOUT me and i realize - this quality of life and self confidence is no good unless i really feel 100% good about ME.

Inside and out. Some people say that it doesn't matter what's on the outside. I think that is how i've lived my life for the most part and it's been my excuse for not working to look the way i want to look. There is nothing wrong with working hard to feel good about yourself. And i need to stop being so scared of reaching my goal. Because then - what will i complain about? And what would it be like to just BE there instead of always just talking about it?

So...no more mind games. No more wondering. It's going to happen. And i'm going to like it.

My Time Capsule

Over the weekend, my sister dropped by to pick up her dogs. We have been dogsitting every weekend this month! Not to mention WE just got our puppy on Saturday, so it's been a crazy weekend/week with so many new things happening.

But my sister said to me "I have something for you." So i'm thinking - okay, cool. She walks to her car and brings this plain manilla envelope in to me. And i said - what is it? She told me she had no clue and that it was left on her front door at her house. It hadn't been mailed - just dropped off. No note.

So i look inside and I see this folder that has been taped shut on all sides. And it has my friend from highschool's name printed on the tape to show that it hasn't been opened. And my name on the other side. On the tab of the file folder it reads: "Andreas Time Capsule"



Memories start flooding back to me. A project that one of my classes did in highschool at the end of sophomore year was a time capsule. We were supposed to open them together at our 10 year reunion.

I didn't go to our 10 year reunion.

Later in the day when i had some time to myself, i went through the folder. I found a lot of things - but what really overwhelmed me was a letter we wrote to ourselves. I wrote this on Saturday, May 17, 1997 to myself:

Dear Dre,
I didn't think this would be such a hard project to do. But i'm sitting here in the basement almost crying. I'm so scared to grow up. I mean, I'm just not ready for the world yet. Are you still scared? What's it like to fall in love, what's it like to hear someone call you mommy? Right now, school just seems to drain me. Four more days till I'm out of sophomore year. I'm scared to get older. I hope its not so bad.

*Then there is another paragraph about who my current crushes are and i'm just going to leave that out* ;) *

One thing. I hope that now that you (we're) older we/you/i still have lots of pals. Remember not to keep everything to yourself...let it out. Don't forget about poetry and writing stuff either. This year i compiled my poetry book, Mirror, Mirror. Hope you/i/we still remember. Remember to play the piano a lot too! I love the moonlight sonata and endless love by Lionel Richie.

Also...where's Eti (the turtle/sand creature) and Toby...or what about brownie, my bear? You still have all that stuff? I hope so.

This has also been my year of caps lock. Everything i write practically is in all caps (this letter is handwritte BTW so it's all written in capital letters).

Do you still love mexican food? Is Guadalajara still open in Danville? If so, go and get taco salad (beef) no guacamola w/ diet to drink. It's the best. And at the Outback Steakhouse I always get the alice springs chicken. And drop by the old church, k? Go and see the youth room and what's going on up there. Is there still a band? Where's Jamie Ward these days? Is jesse pope, josh/jeremy hughes or Jk Kurtz famous yet? If so, I saw them get started!! They were all my good pals. Well anyway...hope things are going extremely well for us now!! Remember to pray tonight! And to tell your friends and family you love them.

Love you,
Me.

Being 15 is so crazy. Reading a letter to yourself that you wrote at 15 - even crazier.

Mortgage: The beginning of a very long term relationship

So on 10/31 - my lease is up with my apartment. I've turned in my notice. We've moved most of my stuff. Our bedrooms in the house where we will be living together are starting to look like actual furnished rooms and not empty spaces.

I've started putting little decorations in the nooks and crannies of our house - making it feel more like home. I'm still trying to remember that my bras are in the guest bedroom drawers and my gym clothes are in the office closet. I haven't found the right pattern for turning on the lights in the house so i'm never in the dark.

We moved my bed to our master bedroom and i feel like the present is more real than ever before. Or maybe it's just this vision of my future i'm having now that i see the "stuff" that i had at my own place now on the counter tops and bookshelves in this new home.

Our home.

I keep calling it "Rj's House" instead of our house because i'm not sure how it sounds yet to other people. Rj and I practice using the word "our." Our house. Our yard. Our new puppy. Our life.

It's weird not just being a "me" or "you" anymore. There is no "my place" anymore - it's ours. And yes, you can still come over to our place. :)

And i realized that i paid my last rent check this month. As i'm reviewing my bills for the month, I'm trying to figure out how I'm ( I mean we're) going to split up paying the mortgage, the gas bill, the cable/internet bill and all those other money sucking things.

I was about to update my Quicken online budget so instead of saying "rent" it would read as "mortgage." Moving in to his house (our house) is quickly becoming totally official. No more "we can stay at my place" or running to check the mail there. Pretty soon it's just going to be me and him and our house with our back yard. I'm going to start paying a mortgage on my house.

The mortgage seems more to me than just another bill. It's a symbol of the commitment we've made to each other in a very tangible sort of way. I can touch that money - I can see where it's going, i can look at the bill every month and see how many years we have a head of us, how it all starts with this first mortgage payment that we make together.

Officially sharing. It's the beginning of a very long term relationship with each other and our home.

The Make Believe

When I was younger – I definitely wanted children. I was basically the most sought after babysitter in the land among my church. I was great with kids, and somehow I had this endless energy to run after them. One of my favorite games was “Ocean.” I told the kids that the whole house was an ocean and I would be the shark or I’d pick someone else to be the shark and we’d have to swim through the house avoiding other sea creatures and caverns, etc. It would turn into an hour of just running around in make believe and end with everyone passed out on the floor and red faced. It was fun for me and the kids.

I babysat all the way through highschool and college and then even some after college. But somewhere along the way – I decided that having children wasn’t something I particularly wanted anymore. I just seemed to have less patience, the games seemed like more of a hassle and the energy I once had vast amounts of vanished. Now, I didn’t turn into a terrible babysitter or anything, I still did a good job. I just felt like my heart wasn’t in it as much as it used to be. My family seemed shocked about my lack of interest in having children. Everyone in our family always has children. At least 2 or 3. I spent a lot of time feeling like the baa baa black sheep.

At the same time as this change of heart, I was dating someone new. I spent three years with him, and now that I look back…I realize that all the energy and enthusiasm I had for make believe and games and endless patience was being used in that relationship. I put all my energy and optimism into a really crappy situation and my powerful ability to “make believe” was used for thinking myself into a better situation instead of making up fun games for the kids I babysat. All the patience I had was now spent in my personal relationship instead of me being nice to others around me. It zapped me of my energy, and ultimately made me think that I didn’t want kids.

As soon as I ended that three year disaster, I started working on me again. I’d put myself last for a long time and I’d really forgotten who I was in the midst of trying to help someone else with their issues and problems. I started realizing the things that were important to me that I’d shoved aside – like family, faith, patience, marriage, commitment and truth. In my next relationship and the one I’m currently in now….I was able to bring my true self into it from the very beginning. I started the relationship out the right way – just being totally and completely me. As our relationship has progressed and we are now planning a wedding…we find ourselves in conversations about “well when we have kids” and making plans for now with the thought of “well when we have a kid” as a follow up.

I realized that being with the right person allows you to be you. From the dorky snort when things are really funny to admitting that you ate too much or that you really are scared to go into the attic by yourself – it’s all okay. And that when you finally are okay with you, and have embraced all the things that you want and love – maybe even the act of remembering what you once wanted when you were a little girl – you can really seriously be with someone who compliments all of those things.

I felt like a bad person for so long – that I had turned into some super adult who couldn’t fathom a thing such as “children.” And deep inside, I felt guilty about that and now I realize that the guilt came from not being true to myself. Not letting myself have the feelings and emotions that were really part of my make-up just made things worse. So this year has been about a lot of transitions and new beginnings for me. But it’s also been a lesson in remembering. Looking back and recalling the joy of rolling around in the floor playing robot with all those kids, being chased by a 3 year old shrilling shark, looking at my brother and his family and looking forward to having my own set of adorable children one day.

And knowing that now that I’m in the right situation, I can look forward to those things again – one day. And I can be happy that I’m not ignoring how I really feel anymore, I'm not pretending to be something i'm not because of who i'm dating.

It's good because I can look to the future and imagine our life. And I can see myself being the mom shark and letting the kids run around the house every now and again because it's fun. I’m not in a hurry to get there, and I’m happy with the one day at a time. It's just good to finally just be me.

I'll Miss You My Little Blackness

We got little black dog when i was 14. She was the tiniest little thing ever. Full grown she was a whopping 10-11 pounds, so you can imagine her as a puppy. She fit in a little Easter basket when we first got her - i remember taking her picture in it on my floral bedspread and she just sat there - too little to even try and jump out.

She was black and red. A miniature dachshund. She had the cutest little white belly when we first got her. Never once did she ever snap at me or anyone. She loved to just be near you - sitting on the couch, in the recliner, laying in the floor. She had her favorite blankets that we kept scattered through our house and often times you'd find her buried in between the folds. She always liked to burrow in them to stay warm and secure.

At night, she'd always sleep in my little twin bed with me. She was a little fire pit, always so warm which was nice in the winter and terrible in the summer heat. It was always so frustrating because she could never jump on and off the bed, so you'd have to constantly put her down, pick her up - especially in the morning time when she wanted to be let 0ut.

I wish she could have slept next to me one more time. She was always such a good little cuddler. Whenever i'd visit my parents, she would follow me around into everyroom. Sit next to me every single chance and her tail would wag at the sound of my voice.

She was my little black dog. Duchess Mahogany Splendor. That was her registered name - we called her so many things. Duchess, Dutch, Blackness, Black Dog, Perro de Negro (i was taking spanish in high school right about the time we got her).

I loved her so much. 14 years. How could you not love someone who has been in your family for 14 years? I'm gonna miss her so much. Going back to my parents house and her not being there will be the hardest. i would always look for her first - and i'm so glad that everytime i saw her, i spent some time with her and told her how much i loved her and how good she was. Because she was.

I'll miss you black dog.