Without You When You're Here

It's weird how you can live with someone, and still feel like you never see them. I guess i've experienced this with roommates before, but it's different when this person is the man you are going to marry.

He works 2:30-11:30pm, i work 8:30-5pm. So the weekdays are a bust. Dinner alone. TV at nite, alone. Teaching Yoshi tricks and "no bites" - alone. I was noticing last nite as i was looking at everyone's facebook updates about how it was such a perfect night to snuggle up with their hubby (or insert whatever term you want here) on the couch and watch tv.

It got me thinking that I've never really had a normal relationship. I had long distance relationships for a long time. And when i did live with one of my boyfriends when we were living abroad - it still was a not-normal situation because we were in a different country, out of our normal daily lives, etc.

And it was for a limited amount of time.

I figured that when my now fiance and i first started dating - him working evenings and me working days would give me the slow progression i needed to actually dating someone who lived down the street vs. another state. But now i'm kinda over the need for that slow progression and we both want "normal" (or at least our version of normal) in our lives right now.

He went out of town to visit old friends last weekend and i found myself sitting on the couch with the dog watching tv and being really lonely. I don't know how to not be with him on the weekends. Because that's our only time together. And this whole week has just felt so strange because i feel like its been two weeks since i've actually had more than an hour with him. And we live together!

It's not his fault. It's not my fault. It just sucks. And while i'm SO glad that we both are gainfully employed - it's so frustrating that we're never home at the same time. Then the weekends become this game of who made plans first, and all our commitments to family and friends and all of a sudden the weekend is over and we're back to eating dinner out of tupperware and sending texts messages so we actually feel like we talk during the day.

In some ways - i'm really proud of myself for wanting more. I've been really good at sheltering my feelings and keeping people outside of "what i need" my whole life when it comes to relationships. I guess that's why the long distance thing felt safe.

So i'm happy to have found someone that weekends aren't enough with. Someone that a phone conversation once a day doesn't fill my cup. I mean, it's definitely where we are right now - and until the economy changes our circumstances won't. Many people are worse off than we are - and i am 100% thankful for paying jobs regardless of the heartache it brings to both of us.

It's sort of bittersweet. Or ironic. I finally want to see someone everyday for dinner and breakfast and lunch and tv time and outside time and gym time - i'm finally open to all of that and not afraid of it, not afraid of sharing my entire life with the same person. And now that i finally found this person - he's right here, and we are still without each other so much of the time.

A Work in Progress

So, having a dog is a lot of work. Having a puppy is like turning your world upside down.

Never have i worried so much about a little being in my house. Of course, I've taken care of other people's children and not that that isn't stressful at times - but in the end, they eventually go back home to their mothers and fathers.

Well this little puppy is with me for good. There is no break, no "wow, that was a long day" and going home to relax anymore. Now there are vet bills, and me worrying about him teething and trying to teach him right from wrong.

Establishing puppy talk such as:
"No bites!"
"Icy?"
"Where is squirrel?"
"Go find monkey!"
"Do your business!"

I feel like most the time i have no idea what i'm doing. I've never had so much constant responsibility. If something happens, I'm in charge. I'm always hoping nothing happens. If there is ever a tick - will i be able to figure out what i should do?

The nights of endless barking aren't as bas as they were at first. He's actually learning how to use the doggy door which has made the whole "Do your business" thing a lot easier. But he still barks and howls at everything. Especially me when I'm trying to do something else.

After a particularly terrible puppy evening a few weeks ago, my fiance said "If you can't handle this puppy - how will we ever have children?"

All i could think is "you are absolutely right. This is making me believe I'll be a terrible mother."

And i was disappointed in myself. Wondering where all my patience had gone. Wondering if i could ever have enough love and patience to deal with an actual human being depending on me for it's entire existence if i can't even put up with an over excitable puppy.

Is this a lesson learned? A warning?

And then i turn around to see him quietly nestled on one of my fiances pillow - sleeping and being so amazingly cute.












I see him tackling a tiny pumpkin and wondering what i ever did before we had him.

And i'm thinking how warm and exciting it is to start our family. And how patience isn't something you receive overnight - it's always a work in progress. And how one night he frustrates me, and the next I'm in love.

Welcome to our family, little Yoshi, my big brown bear!

Permission to be Beautiful

Dear Self,
I give you permission to lose weight. I give you 100% support for feeling good about yourself, inside and out. I'm telling you it will be okay if people look at you and if someone might tell you you are pretty - it will be okay. It might even feel good.

I give you permission to forget the times in your life that you have felt ugly because you didn't like the way you looked, or someone else said something that made you feel bad about yourself. I allow you to look back on old pictures and laugh and realize that you are not that person anymore and to be happy that you have made progress.

I'm just letting you know that this fight is one you fight with yourself and no one else. In the end, only you are standing in our way. Your fear of being noticed, and your fear of it not being because someone is saying or thinking something nice is one that you can let go of now.

You have my permission to feel beautiful.

Love,
Me.


I think i've been standing in my own way for a long time. I have joked with some of my friends that i self sabotage - but i've been realizing lately that it's not a joke. I do it for real. I am catching myself trying to self-sabotage lately and I'm putting a stop to it. I'm one of those people who loves to be the center of attention and at the same time it has to be on my own terms. I am actually pretty shy if you were to look down deep into my soul.

I spent a lot of my life learning to laugh at myself and in the process ended up finding out that im pretty funny. And when people are laughing at me because i'm being funny - i'm happy with that. But in an instant, i'm feeling self conscious they are laughing at a joke ABOUT me and i realize - this quality of life and self confidence is no good unless i really feel 100% good about ME.

Inside and out. Some people say that it doesn't matter what's on the outside. I think that is how i've lived my life for the most part and it's been my excuse for not working to look the way i want to look. There is nothing wrong with working hard to feel good about yourself. And i need to stop being so scared of reaching my goal. Because then - what will i complain about? And what would it be like to just BE there instead of always just talking about it?

So...no more mind games. No more wondering. It's going to happen. And i'm going to like it.