Without You When You're Here

It's weird how you can live with someone, and still feel like you never see them. I guess i've experienced this with roommates before, but it's different when this person is the man you are going to marry.

He works 2:30-11:30pm, i work 8:30-5pm. So the weekdays are a bust. Dinner alone. TV at nite, alone. Teaching Yoshi tricks and "no bites" - alone. I was noticing last nite as i was looking at everyone's facebook updates about how it was such a perfect night to snuggle up with their hubby (or insert whatever term you want here) on the couch and watch tv.

It got me thinking that I've never really had a normal relationship. I had long distance relationships for a long time. And when i did live with one of my boyfriends when we were living abroad - it still was a not-normal situation because we were in a different country, out of our normal daily lives, etc.

And it was for a limited amount of time.

I figured that when my now fiance and i first started dating - him working evenings and me working days would give me the slow progression i needed to actually dating someone who lived down the street vs. another state. But now i'm kinda over the need for that slow progression and we both want "normal" (or at least our version of normal) in our lives right now.

He went out of town to visit old friends last weekend and i found myself sitting on the couch with the dog watching tv and being really lonely. I don't know how to not be with him on the weekends. Because that's our only time together. And this whole week has just felt so strange because i feel like its been two weeks since i've actually had more than an hour with him. And we live together!

It's not his fault. It's not my fault. It just sucks. And while i'm SO glad that we both are gainfully employed - it's so frustrating that we're never home at the same time. Then the weekends become this game of who made plans first, and all our commitments to family and friends and all of a sudden the weekend is over and we're back to eating dinner out of tupperware and sending texts messages so we actually feel like we talk during the day.

In some ways - i'm really proud of myself for wanting more. I've been really good at sheltering my feelings and keeping people outside of "what i need" my whole life when it comes to relationships. I guess that's why the long distance thing felt safe.

So i'm happy to have found someone that weekends aren't enough with. Someone that a phone conversation once a day doesn't fill my cup. I mean, it's definitely where we are right now - and until the economy changes our circumstances won't. Many people are worse off than we are - and i am 100% thankful for paying jobs regardless of the heartache it brings to both of us.

It's sort of bittersweet. Or ironic. I finally want to see someone everyday for dinner and breakfast and lunch and tv time and outside time and gym time - i'm finally open to all of that and not afraid of it, not afraid of sharing my entire life with the same person. And now that i finally found this person - he's right here, and we are still without each other so much of the time.