Falling from Nowhere

It's oppressive, almost like a knife could cut through it. This feeling i have. But it's not always here, just sometimes when life starts feeling so heavy.

I'm almost 30 and sometimes i feel like my life isn't where i want it to be, and other times i feel so grateful that my life is what it is. I guess there are parts of my life that i'm extremely happy about...and others that my mind is changing about.

It's funny how people always think about what they want to "be" when they grow up. I think what i'm "being" is overrated right now. I think what i'm "being" is called underpaid sometimes, or really frustrating. And then, sometimes i'll get a feeling after i've truly helped someone and then it feels right. and good.

I know i'm just BEING dramatic, or tired. Or stressed out. About a million things and i can only name one every other day because i just can't find the words. People ask how they can help and i just don't have any way of letting people help me.

I remember in that little time capsule i made when i was all of 16 in highschool, when i stumbled upon it 13 years later the advice i gave to myself was "don't keep it all inside, remember to talk to people about it." I was thinking about those words of wisdom as i had to abruptly leave my office today to go outside for a walk because i felt like i was going to have a meltdown.

I felt the ball in the back of my throat - you know that feeling? The one that u convince yourself if you can swallow it back down that it will go away? God, that hurts. But it's worse to cry sometimes.

And by the time i've gone around the block once, I'm hot and my eyes aren't all watery anymore and I'm still not sure why i got so upset in the first place. That is all the more frustrating to me. That is BEING idiotic.

So i can't really name it. It's life that is stressing me out, mine in particular. Maybe i just figured i'd worry less about some things at this point in my life, or that i'd have more figured out. Turns out, sometimes i'm 16 again still trying to predict the future.