I'm Missing You, Christmas

Someone said to me today that they just weren't quite in the Christmas spirit yet, and they needed to get there. I was thinking something similar the other day on my commute back home from work. I find myself constantly switching radio stations looking for a song i like and two stations play nothing but Christmas music 24/7 these days. I quickly move past the stations and the other day i wondered why i was so quick to buzz past them. Like the thought of listening to Christmas music was absurd.

But today is one week away from Christmas. And i only realized that during lunch today when someone else said it out loud. One week and I'm still not ready to sing along with the Christmas songs. I remember over the last few years that Christmas has just felt so different than it used to. And maybe that is part of growing up - the constant battle for who's house it will be spent at, what should we bring for lunch or dinner, asking for wish lists and pushing our way through overcrowded stores to make sure everything is just right. And As a child, I knew about none of these things - it was just the holidays and there were parties and cookies to eat, random gifts to open and pretty cards in the mail. And one morning you just woke up really early because you wanted to and there were so many presents to unwrap and new toys to play with.

This Christmas will again be a race against time to do everything and be with everyone in a short period of time. And i'm feeling like I'm missing you, Christmas. Like an old friend. The one that used to be so easy to talk to - the one that didn't take any effort at all. It was just simple and honest and in the moment.

The last few years after Christmas day has ended and i'm lugging my suitcase and new gifts from my car to my house - i realize that somehow i've just forgotten everything. The whole reason for this holiday to begin with. And i feel burdened with this guilt of how in the struggle to spend time with everyone and do everything - I've forgotten to take a few moments to stop and just thank God for the best present he could ever give to me (and everyone else). And how without that gift - none of the beautiful things i remember about the holidays (or any day in fact) would be possible. They would lack hope, laughter and the wonderful forgiveness that God's gift to us provided.

So, it's true. I miss you Christmas. And i've missed the point more than a few times in my life when it comes to Christmas - and so this year, first and foremost I'm taking a moment or two to be thankful and more thoughtful about this season and what it really means. And just focusing on one gift, the one that matters most - the one i was given so long ago.

Dreaming of Days Past

Well, for some reason i decided it would be a good idea to look up my exboyfriend from college on facebook. Something triggered it - I have a feeling it is my happiness that took me there. Made me curious. He was a good guy and I know that i made the right decision for both of us in ending the relationship - but i know i didn't do it the right way. I regret that.

I think i just wanted to make sure he's happy. We tried to be friends after we broke up. But i think for him it was more about waiting it out to see when i'd come back and for me i was really done. So whenever i would talk about going out and this and that - he would be angry when i wouldn't be around to talk. So we decided maybe we shouldn't talk for awhile. And now it's been almost 5 years and i'm pretty sure we'll never talk again. And that's okay. But you can't spend all of college dating someone, and living on the other side of the earth with someone and never think of them and wish them well.

So when facebook changed their privacy options - it opened up a small window of opportunity to see what once was hidden. So i looked at his facebook page and through a bit of detective skills figured out that he was with someone and he looked happy. And she looked happy and from the few interactions I saw it sounded like she meant it. Of course, this is all facebook message interpretation. But i was glad to see that he had found someone. It was funny because she didn't seem anything like me. That probably was a good thing.

Anyway, i guess seeking out the answer to my curiousity made me dream of him. I have dreamt of him before - and it's always the same type of dream. Everytime.

The dream is this (even though it is a difference sequence of events, or in a different place, etc everytime). I am in the same place as him again and he doesn't realize we've broken up and i've moved on. It's like i remember the events of the past 5 years, but he doesn't. And i have to go through that terrible break up all over again. Where i was so determined to not let myself be sweet talked back into the relationship that i was heartless and mean.

So last nights particular guilt fest was that we were moving back to New Zealand, and for some reason we were both going and he thought it was us going together again. So he kept trying to make plans for where we were going to live, what we were going to do, and i was trying to figure out a way to break it to him that i had moved on, that i wasn't going with him, it was just a weird coincidence that we both decided to go back. It was so frustrating and maddening. I hate when i have dreams like that.

*sigh*

I guess curiousity does kill the cat.

Sympathy Depression

So I've heard of sympathy pains. Typically when a woman is pregnant, sometimes her husband will complain of similar aches and pains. It's a strange concept all around - but i seem to be extremely sympathetic to people around me.

I remember one time my college boyfriend twisted his ankle when we were outside playing basketball at my parents house over a holiday break. I was fine - but i remember later that day feeling extreme pain in my ankle. To the point where i was limping. Weird.

Recently, one of my co-workers has been complaining about serious knee pain (she had knee surgery in highschool or college) and then slowly, my knee started feeling like it was in pain all the time. I'd wake up inspecting it and wondering if i needed to go to the doctor. She went to see her surgeon over the thanksgiving break and she has a stress fracture. Hope my sympathy pains don't extend that far.

So now i think i'm experiencing sympathy depression. My fiance is totally miserable at his job, and has been for a year. But it's not exactly a great time to find a new job, even though he's been trying. So it's been a painful year in a lot of ways for him. He took a step down just to have a job when he relocated here a year ago thinking that he'd at least be making some money while he found something else. But it's just been a difficult market to find something better in the creative industry. So as the year has progressed, he's become more and more depressed about his work situation and i in turn am starting to feel depressed. He doesn't want to go to work in the morning - well neither do i. Nothing interesting happened at his work, well, nothing for me, either.

Boo.

I need to figure out a way to deflect other peoples pains and emotions from seeping under my skin. I mean - in a lot of way i think i'm having EMPATHY pains because it feels like i'm suffering from the same thing they are instead of just feeling bad that they are feeling bad.

My fiance said that one thing he noticed immediately about me is that i really take on the emotions of others. When someone else is upset, I'm upset, too - and i take things really hard when others aren't happy. So maybe it's just a personality trait i have. I guess sometimes it's a good thing - it probably makes me an excellent friend. :)

But it's sort of tiring - and ultimately, depressing in my current situation.

Dear Santa,
Please give my fiance a new job for Christmas.

Love,
Your empathetic little dre elf.