In one week - I hope to be enjoying the Mexican sun about now. Full from a late breakfast, feeling a bit more rested than i did the day before after the whirlwind of a wedding weekend.
It's funny how quickly the human mind transitions from count down of time, to fast forwarding of time. Strange how time can fly by when you turn around and look at it, and feel oppressive when you are looking down at it.
Everyone's favorite question this week: "Are you ready?" I decided my generic response would be "I will be on Saturday." You see, you have to think of generic responses during times like these. Times when things are changing, big moments. Like a move, a marriage, having a child, losing someone you love, etc. Because humans are humans and we generically ask questions of each other - and i'm sure some people really DO care, and others - it's just because it's how humans are. What you should do. Polite interest.
So it's good to be prepared with your appropriate responses. Sometimes they are witty, other times, sweet, but always short and to the point so you don't trap someone in a long conversation with they were only politely interested in the first place. Enough small talk to entertain each other on a walk between buildings to your office, or while you wait in line for a coffee. That's perfect.
Anymore than that then i start to feel overwhelmed because i do have so much to do before Saturday that if i try to honestly list it from memory, i'll have a meltdown. lol. So everytime those that are actually engaged and involved in my life and therefore my wedding ask for information, i have to refer to my wedding agenda which i wrote up and have continually updated for the last week or two. It's like my bible of things to do.
"Thou shalt not forget."
I'm working on things. I'll be happier when i'm not at working thinking about my agenda. Somehow - just looking at it makes me feel better. Like if i look at it long enough, things will get done without me having to do anything at all. And basically, i'm just ready for the action to start. You can only plan, and pre-plan, and be prepared with a plan for so long before you just need to run the race you know? And you'll be prepared because you DID plan for it (you wrote out an agenda, remember?) and you'll figure out the rest along the way because you'll already be in motion.
So right now - it's like a pause button has been hit, and i'm just on edge waiting for someone to press play, so i can just get this started. So that way, we can have a beautiful day, i can see all my friends and family and then....i can be enjoying my Mexican sunshine and Margarita.
Ahhh, fast forward.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Adia
As i was listening to some music the other day, Angel, a Sarah McLachlan song, came on - and I was immediately reminded of her song Adia. Anytime i hear that song - i am not sure why, but i think of my best friend who i have known the longest in my life. We used to speak in lyrics to each other - like it was encrypted language that no one else would get. In a lot of ways - we were right. Songs always meant something different for us - and we analyzed the hell out of them during high school and made up our own meanings for the lyrics.
We still speak Lyric, even more than than a decade after highschool - this is still how we communicate during good and bad times. Now that she isn't sitting next to me in the church pew to just write a lyric phrase on the bulletin, we sometimes just text or email a line of a song to each other during the day or nite. Often times the next line of the lyric will be emailed back, almost like sending back the words "I understand. I'm here." without really saying that at all.
Lyrics are a beautiful language, and not everyone really appreciates them. That is one of the many things that have helped my best friend and i communicate over the years - when things happen and you are at a loss for words. Sometimes someone else has already said it better. And sometimes the words i come up with - don't make anything better no matter how hard i try. The heart has to heal itself, there is no magic cure. And there are so many different ways a heart can break. (on no, they don't break even) Only time - which sounds generic, can really heal you - and maybe a few meaningful lyrics from a well meaning friend.
Out of curiosity - I looked up this song on the internet and found the complete lyrics as well as a statement alluding to what this song is actually about. The article said that it was the artists attempt at an apology for falling in love, dating, and eventually marrying her best friends ex-boyfriend. What is even more ironic after reading that article is that situation has actually happened to me, but when i hear this song, i'm not reminded of the person that did that at all. There is a different song that makes me think of her, and it is one that she gave to me as an apology. It's funny how songs mean something different to everyone, isn't it?
For what it's worth, and for what this song means to me and that long time best friend, I'm sure she'll understand what i mean, even if the lyrics say something else. That's just how we do...
Adia I do believe I failed you
Adia I know I let you down
Don’t you know I tried so hard
To love you in my way
It’s easy let it go...
Adia I’m empty since you left me
Trying to find a way to carry on
I search myself and everyone
To see where we went wrong
’cause there’s no one left to finger
There’s no one here to blame
There’s no one left to talk to, honey
And there ain’t no one to buy our innocence
’cause we are born innocent
Believe me adia, we are still innocent
It’s easy, we all falter
Does it matter?
Adia I thought that we could make it
But I know I can’t change the way you feel
I leave you with your misery
A friend who won’t betray
I pull you from your tower
I take away your pain
And show you all the beauty you possess
If you’d only let yourself believe that
We are born innocent
Believe me adia, we are still innocent
It’s easy, we all falter, does it matter?
Believe me adia, we are still innocent
’cause we are born innocent
Adia we are still innocent
It’s easy, we all falter ... but does it matter?
We still speak Lyric, even more than than a decade after highschool - this is still how we communicate during good and bad times. Now that she isn't sitting next to me in the church pew to just write a lyric phrase on the bulletin, we sometimes just text or email a line of a song to each other during the day or nite. Often times the next line of the lyric will be emailed back, almost like sending back the words "I understand. I'm here." without really saying that at all.
Lyrics are a beautiful language, and not everyone really appreciates them. That is one of the many things that have helped my best friend and i communicate over the years - when things happen and you are at a loss for words. Sometimes someone else has already said it better. And sometimes the words i come up with - don't make anything better no matter how hard i try. The heart has to heal itself, there is no magic cure. And there are so many different ways a heart can break. (on no, they don't break even) Only time - which sounds generic, can really heal you - and maybe a few meaningful lyrics from a well meaning friend.
Out of curiosity - I looked up this song on the internet and found the complete lyrics as well as a statement alluding to what this song is actually about. The article said that it was the artists attempt at an apology for falling in love, dating, and eventually marrying her best friends ex-boyfriend. What is even more ironic after reading that article is that situation has actually happened to me, but when i hear this song, i'm not reminded of the person that did that at all. There is a different song that makes me think of her, and it is one that she gave to me as an apology. It's funny how songs mean something different to everyone, isn't it?
For what it's worth, and for what this song means to me and that long time best friend, I'm sure she'll understand what i mean, even if the lyrics say something else. That's just how we do...
Adia I do believe I failed you
Adia I know I let you down
Don’t you know I tried so hard
To love you in my way
It’s easy let it go...
Adia I’m empty since you left me
Trying to find a way to carry on
I search myself and everyone
To see where we went wrong
’cause there’s no one left to finger
There’s no one here to blame
There’s no one left to talk to, honey
And there ain’t no one to buy our innocence
’cause we are born innocent
Believe me adia, we are still innocent
It’s easy, we all falter
Does it matter?
Adia I thought that we could make it
But I know I can’t change the way you feel
I leave you with your misery
A friend who won’t betray
I pull you from your tower
I take away your pain
And show you all the beauty you possess
If you’d only let yourself believe that
We are born innocent
Believe me adia, we are still innocent
It’s easy, we all falter, does it matter?
Believe me adia, we are still innocent
’cause we are born innocent
Adia we are still innocent
It’s easy, we all falter ... but does it matter?
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
A Mash Up
This blog started as a sort of "reset" button from my last blog. I blogged fairly consistently between the age of 23-26 i think, and then i took a long break because everytime i'd go back to my blog site, I would end up reading past entries and it was during a really painful part of my life.
So i thought starting a new blog would be a good idea. Somewhere that i could be someone new. I find that this particular blogspace is sort of lonely. Not quite the community that my last one was, but perhaps that is my own fault of not reaching out more. I blog more consistently on facebook through the "notes" feature, but i tend to blog more there about fitness, nutrition, working out and my journey with all that. At one point i was posting that facebook blog on here as well...and then i just sort of stopped that and started using this blog again for "all those other thoughts."
But i guess, in a way - that is what a blog is for. Just whatever is going on for you in that moment. When you find a few minutes and you take hold of a thought and just have to write it down. Sometimes i wish i had a voice recorder on me at all times so i could hold on to an awesome phrase or thought i have while i'm walking to my car, or running. So many times i lose them before i have a moment to put them "on paper."
Today i'm thinking about how many rivers of thought i have going on in my mind right now. I'm thinking about teaching Turbo on Thursday and if people really like my class or not, I'm thinking about whether we're going to get our wedding favors delivered today and if i will like them. I'm thinking about the big project from the summer for work that is still not done. I'm thinking about my friends who also have a lot going on and how some of them are talking to me about it, and some of them arent...and i wonder what that means.
I'm also thinking about the next 10 pounds that i want to try and lose, and how i shouldn't really be too focused on it because i'm getting married in less than 3 weeks and i have enough to worry about. I'm also thinking about the 4 page wedding agenda i drafted yesterday and how much more i have left to do and how hard it is for me to let go of any of it and let someone else help me. Sometimes it's easier to do it yourself than to explain how to do it to someone else.
I'm thinking about how far away from God i feel sometimes, and i wonder if he misses me, too. And i wonder if he'll be as happy with who i've become as he was when i was so close to him growing up?
I'm thinking about the secrets that humans keep because we love each other. And i wonder if that's really all that healthy or just our way of not wanting to deal with other peoples opinions?
In the end - the title of this blog is perfect. My head is just like a big Mash Up right now - and i just needed to get a few spuds of it out so i could breathe a little. I'm feeling overwhelmed and at the same time, I feel nothing at all. Isn't that weird?
So i thought starting a new blog would be a good idea. Somewhere that i could be someone new. I find that this particular blogspace is sort of lonely. Not quite the community that my last one was, but perhaps that is my own fault of not reaching out more. I blog more consistently on facebook through the "notes" feature, but i tend to blog more there about fitness, nutrition, working out and my journey with all that. At one point i was posting that facebook blog on here as well...and then i just sort of stopped that and started using this blog again for "all those other thoughts."
But i guess, in a way - that is what a blog is for. Just whatever is going on for you in that moment. When you find a few minutes and you take hold of a thought and just have to write it down. Sometimes i wish i had a voice recorder on me at all times so i could hold on to an awesome phrase or thought i have while i'm walking to my car, or running. So many times i lose them before i have a moment to put them "on paper."
Today i'm thinking about how many rivers of thought i have going on in my mind right now. I'm thinking about teaching Turbo on Thursday and if people really like my class or not, I'm thinking about whether we're going to get our wedding favors delivered today and if i will like them. I'm thinking about the big project from the summer for work that is still not done. I'm thinking about my friends who also have a lot going on and how some of them are talking to me about it, and some of them arent...and i wonder what that means.
I'm also thinking about the next 10 pounds that i want to try and lose, and how i shouldn't really be too focused on it because i'm getting married in less than 3 weeks and i have enough to worry about. I'm also thinking about the 4 page wedding agenda i drafted yesterday and how much more i have left to do and how hard it is for me to let go of any of it and let someone else help me. Sometimes it's easier to do it yourself than to explain how to do it to someone else.
I'm thinking about how far away from God i feel sometimes, and i wonder if he misses me, too. And i wonder if he'll be as happy with who i've become as he was when i was so close to him growing up?
I'm thinking about the secrets that humans keep because we love each other. And i wonder if that's really all that healthy or just our way of not wanting to deal with other peoples opinions?
In the end - the title of this blog is perfect. My head is just like a big Mash Up right now - and i just needed to get a few spuds of it out so i could breathe a little. I'm feeling overwhelmed and at the same time, I feel nothing at all. Isn't that weird?
Monday, September 13, 2010
3 Weeks
I'm caught between "hurry up already" and "I'm not ready!"
It's not cold feet, I couldn't be more sure of my decision to get married to RJ. I am excited, and nervous, overwhelmed, stressed, ready, nervous...did i say excited?
Just a lot of emotions swirling around round now and more than anything, it's really hard to focus. At work i start on a project and immediately get lost in thought about some random detail for the wedding. Then that leads me to another thought, and then another, then i have to make a list so i don't forget for later and oh yah - I'm at work. So back to that project.
I know i'm not being a very good employee right now - my mind is elsewhere these days, and i have feeling it will get worse before it gets better! I had my bachelorette party this weekend and it was so good to see old friends that i haven't seen in awhile and friends from work, school, etc. We enjoyed a nice dinner out and then went uptown to dance and drink sugary drinks. It's been so long since i've danced at a club - it was actually pretty fun, but it's one of those "once every few years" sort of things because i'm just not much of a "go to the club and dance" people. But for the nature of the celebration - it was perfect.
In addition to the wedding, i am just looking forward to a week of vacation and just really being able to focus on the here and now instead of always planning for this distant event in the future. I'm ready for weekends to be filled with seeing friends, family and projects for the house instead of with the caterer, or making notes about "the wedding agenda."
It's a weird time, because you sort of start to lose your identity in a way. All of a sudden conversations really aren't about YOU anymore, it's just about the wedding. You in a context of the wedding. And even though as human beings we all enjoy talking about ourselves - i have to say that i'll be happy to stop talking about wedding planning! I'll be happy to recount how wonderful the day was once it's over, and dispense advice to those taking the plunge...but it will be nice when all the stress involved with planning a big event will be over with and in the past.
We've had a few family drama moments - but strangely enough, not on my side of the family! It will be interesting when my family and his family collide. It will probably be weird and strange. But hopefully i wont be too stressed out about making sure everyone feels included. I have a nasty habit of being totally stressed about how everyone else is feeling and i tend to not be able to enjoy myself at events. So i'm going to work hard to take a few deep breaths that day and realize that everyone is attending because they love me, love RJ and are there to celebrate our day and I should just enjoy it and not worry about other people the whole time!
Easier said than done! Well - send some good thoughts my way on finding focus for the next few weeks. I'll be glad when i have a few days off to just be focused and get everything accomplished!
It's not cold feet, I couldn't be more sure of my decision to get married to RJ. I am excited, and nervous, overwhelmed, stressed, ready, nervous...did i say excited?
Just a lot of emotions swirling around round now and more than anything, it's really hard to focus. At work i start on a project and immediately get lost in thought about some random detail for the wedding. Then that leads me to another thought, and then another, then i have to make a list so i don't forget for later and oh yah - I'm at work. So back to that project.
I know i'm not being a very good employee right now - my mind is elsewhere these days, and i have feeling it will get worse before it gets better! I had my bachelorette party this weekend and it was so good to see old friends that i haven't seen in awhile and friends from work, school, etc. We enjoyed a nice dinner out and then went uptown to dance and drink sugary drinks. It's been so long since i've danced at a club - it was actually pretty fun, but it's one of those "once every few years" sort of things because i'm just not much of a "go to the club and dance" people. But for the nature of the celebration - it was perfect.
In addition to the wedding, i am just looking forward to a week of vacation and just really being able to focus on the here and now instead of always planning for this distant event in the future. I'm ready for weekends to be filled with seeing friends, family and projects for the house instead of with the caterer, or making notes about "the wedding agenda."
It's a weird time, because you sort of start to lose your identity in a way. All of a sudden conversations really aren't about YOU anymore, it's just about the wedding. You in a context of the wedding. And even though as human beings we all enjoy talking about ourselves - i have to say that i'll be happy to stop talking about wedding planning! I'll be happy to recount how wonderful the day was once it's over, and dispense advice to those taking the plunge...but it will be nice when all the stress involved with planning a big event will be over with and in the past.
We've had a few family drama moments - but strangely enough, not on my side of the family! It will be interesting when my family and his family collide. It will probably be weird and strange. But hopefully i wont be too stressed out about making sure everyone feels included. I have a nasty habit of being totally stressed about how everyone else is feeling and i tend to not be able to enjoy myself at events. So i'm going to work hard to take a few deep breaths that day and realize that everyone is attending because they love me, love RJ and are there to celebrate our day and I should just enjoy it and not worry about other people the whole time!
Easier said than done! Well - send some good thoughts my way on finding focus for the next few weeks. I'll be glad when i have a few days off to just be focused and get everything accomplished!
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
a few thoughts on magic.
It felt like believing in magic. That's the best I can describe it. You know, falling in love for real. After falling in love and thinking it was real a few times before, I kept waiting for the hard truth to hit - the day you realize that you just thought it was love, but in reality - it was a case of the likes.
Then girl meets boy. He's nothing like she imagined. And yet, he's everything she needed. And boy meets girl and she's stubborn and tells him how it is. And for whatever reason - it works. They work.
And as one hang out session turns into an official dinner date, and a dinner date turns into spending time together after work everyday, and all of a sudden you aren't even thinking about dating anyone else and there is only him. And her. And it's magic because you never thought that could happen. Yet, right in front of your eyes, it is - love is happening.
He is sweet even though he denies it - she wears her heart on her sleeve even when she pretends she doesn't at first. They protect each other, brag on each other, and I's turn into We's and conversations about the future are all of a sudden inclusive and imagined together. It's magical because it feels like a fairy tale should. But it's real - love is happening.
And today - two people who found best friends in each other have also found love. And it's magical, because it feels so special even though it seems unlikely. Two people who found that just being honest and so blatantly themselves was the key to finally finding each other.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets boy. It's like magic, but love is happening. Right here, today.
Then girl meets boy. He's nothing like she imagined. And yet, he's everything she needed. And boy meets girl and she's stubborn and tells him how it is. And for whatever reason - it works. They work.
And as one hang out session turns into an official dinner date, and a dinner date turns into spending time together after work everyday, and all of a sudden you aren't even thinking about dating anyone else and there is only him. And her. And it's magic because you never thought that could happen. Yet, right in front of your eyes, it is - love is happening.
He is sweet even though he denies it - she wears her heart on her sleeve even when she pretends she doesn't at first. They protect each other, brag on each other, and I's turn into We's and conversations about the future are all of a sudden inclusive and imagined together. It's magical because it feels like a fairy tale should. But it's real - love is happening.
And today - two people who found best friends in each other have also found love. And it's magical, because it feels so special even though it seems unlikely. Two people who found that just being honest and so blatantly themselves was the key to finally finding each other.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets boy. It's like magic, but love is happening. Right here, today.
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