3 Weeks

I'm caught between "hurry up already" and "I'm not ready!"

It's not cold feet, I couldn't be more sure of my decision to get married to RJ. I am excited, and nervous, overwhelmed, stressed, ready, nervous...did i say excited?

Just a lot of emotions swirling around round now and more than anything, it's really hard to focus. At work i start on a project and immediately get lost in thought about some random detail for the wedding. Then that leads me to another thought, and then another, then i have to make a list so i don't forget for later and oh yah - I'm at work. So back to that project.

I know i'm not being a very good employee right now - my mind is elsewhere these days, and i have feeling it will get worse before it gets better! I had my bachelorette party this weekend and it was so good to see old friends that i haven't seen in awhile and friends from work, school, etc. We enjoyed a nice dinner out and then went uptown to dance and drink sugary drinks. It's been so long since i've danced at a club - it was actually pretty fun, but it's one of those "once every few years" sort of things because i'm just not much of a "go to the club and dance" people. But for the nature of the celebration - it was perfect.

In addition to the wedding, i am just looking forward to a week of vacation and just really being able to focus on the here and now instead of always planning for this distant event in the future. I'm ready for weekends to be filled with seeing friends, family and projects for the house instead of with the caterer, or making notes about "the wedding agenda."

It's a weird time, because you sort of start to lose your identity in a way. All of a sudden conversations really aren't about YOU anymore, it's just about the wedding. You in a context of the wedding. And even though as human beings we all enjoy talking about ourselves - i have to say that i'll be happy to stop talking about wedding planning! I'll be happy to recount how wonderful the day was once it's over, and dispense advice to those taking the plunge...but it will be nice when all the stress involved with planning a big event will be over with and in the past.

We've had a few family drama moments - but strangely enough, not on my side of the family! It will be interesting when my family and his family collide. It will probably be weird and strange. But hopefully i wont be too stressed out about making sure everyone feels included. I have a nasty habit of being totally stressed about how everyone else is feeling and i tend to not be able to enjoy myself at events. So i'm going to work hard to take a few deep breaths that day and realize that everyone is attending because they love me, love RJ and are there to celebrate our day and I should just enjoy it and not worry about other people the whole time!

Easier said than done! Well - send some good thoughts my way on finding focus for the next few weeks. I'll be glad when i have a few days off to just be focused and get everything accomplished!