The Next Days Aren't So Far Afterall

If i were writing them - it might go something like this upon first try.

If someone were counting, it would be 75.
And at 15 that might have seemed like forever -
A summer time of waiting
But now it feels so close, like 75 might be day after tomorrow

The questions are the same, just from different people
Opinions from everyone, advice shelled out
I hear you

But behind all that buzzing conversation
I find myself clinging to one simple phrase
that i knew so long ago
the one that little girls practice
and teenagers swoon over before, during, and after a romantic movie
The part where i say "I do" and you do, too.

Pieces of marital advice, it's like people preparing you for the worst
And yet, this countdown feels like I'm ready to put that part behind me
And start a whole new chapter of firsts

I tried on the wedding band you had made for me with your mothers diamonds
and it felt like it should be on a prettier hand
but you told me that wasn't true in your own way

For the first time - I'm positive. There isn't a hesitation,
i know it's you and me. Forever. I Do.

aa

Mortgage: The beginning of a very long term relationship

So on 10/31 - my lease is up with my apartment. I've turned in my notice. We've moved most of my stuff. Our bedrooms in the house where we will be living together are starting to look like actual furnished rooms and not empty spaces.

I've started putting little decorations in the nooks and crannies of our house - making it feel more like home. I'm still trying to remember that my bras are in the guest bedroom drawers and my gym clothes are in the office closet. I haven't found the right pattern for turning on the lights in the house so i'm never in the dark.

We moved my bed to our master bedroom and i feel like the present is more real than ever before. Or maybe it's just this vision of my future i'm having now that i see the "stuff" that i had at my own place now on the counter tops and bookshelves in this new home.

Our home.

I keep calling it "Rj's House" instead of our house because i'm not sure how it sounds yet to other people. Rj and I practice using the word "our." Our house. Our yard. Our new puppy. Our life.

It's weird not just being a "me" or "you" anymore. There is no "my place" anymore - it's ours. And yes, you can still come over to our place. :)

And i realized that i paid my last rent check this month. As i'm reviewing my bills for the month, I'm trying to figure out how I'm ( I mean we're) going to split up paying the mortgage, the gas bill, the cable/internet bill and all those other money sucking things.

I was about to update my Quicken online budget so instead of saying "rent" it would read as "mortgage." Moving in to his house (our house) is quickly becoming totally official. No more "we can stay at my place" or running to check the mail there. Pretty soon it's just going to be me and him and our house with our back yard. I'm going to start paying a mortgage on my house.

The mortgage seems more to me than just another bill. It's a symbol of the commitment we've made to each other in a very tangible sort of way. I can touch that money - I can see where it's going, i can look at the bill every month and see how many years we have a head of us, how it all starts with this first mortgage payment that we make together.

Officially sharing. It's the beginning of a very long term relationship with each other and our home.

One Year Ago and One Year from Now

A year seems like a long time. Technically.

But then I think about where i was last year. Anticipating my now fiance's move back to town. Knowing that we had first connected four years ago and then he moved...and then we reconnected over the last summer via email and aim, text messaging. Wondering what would happen when he finally moved back. Would we be friends? Would it be more? Was i ready to move on after the last disaster of a relationship i had?

Meeting him out for a drink at Tyber Creek that night he got into town. His friends, and some of my friends. Us talking and him being excited about being back into town and me happy that he was back and things seemed to be going well. Then all of a sudden, hiking the next day with my friends. Dinner out mid week - cooking me dinner after work. Drinks on Saturday?

And now, all of a sudden, it's a year later. Beginning of October and i have a ring on my finger and am thinking about the next year of my life and how it will be spent planning our wedding and preparing for our marriage. And i wonder - wow, had did this all happen so fast and yet feel so absolutely right?

A year is not always a long time, but i guess it is sometimes just the right amount of time.

Time enough to grow up and leave old habits behind, time to distance ourselves from old stories and memories we don't want. Time to be scared about having feelings again, and time to fall in love anyway despite all your reasons why you shouldn't.

Time to finally feel good about loving someone and feel appreciated and time to learn how to just accept love and the good things that go with it. Time enough to realize that nothing is perfect, but you can still be perfect for each other.

This year has been good to me. And as i'm looking at the clock - this time on this day next year, i will be married. I will have posed for all the pictures, and i will have my loved ones around me celebrating with me. I will be on my way to the reception most likely - ready for my first dance with my husband and a toast with my friends and family.

I promise to remember this moment. This moment that is right in the middle of how far i've come and how far it will take me.