Summer Blues or Is It True?

I have that nagging feeling inside. I've been stifling it for a little while. I'm not sure, but maybe i get the summer time blues. Let me explain. So i'm loving that it's warm outside and i don't need a jacket or gloves. But when it's warm outside, I have to fight the fact that for the first 21 summers of my life - I didn't have to work full time in an office every day of the summer. So i sit here, my feet itching to just not be at work.

Then i start thinking about whether i like work or not. And if i don't - then what would i like? And am i on the right track? Am i truly fulfilled with my career? And if the answer is no - what does that mean for me?

Now, backtrack. In the same breath I'm reminding myself i feel like this every summer. I have tons of projects to do, but i can't find my focus and i start to feel bored. Not because i don't have anything to do, but because i don't want to do any of it. And once the Fall/Spring starts, i get so busy that i forget all of these feelings.

So what's real and what's not? Is there something more? On days like today - I truly just want to go home and sleep. Or go to the pool and just lay out on one of those floaty things. I can't remember the last time i did that. I have too much on my plate.

This is one thing i'm sure of...*sigh*

The Next Days Aren't So Far Afterall

If i were writing them - it might go something like this upon first try.

If someone were counting, it would be 75.
And at 15 that might have seemed like forever -
A summer time of waiting
But now it feels so close, like 75 might be day after tomorrow

The questions are the same, just from different people
Opinions from everyone, advice shelled out
I hear you

But behind all that buzzing conversation
I find myself clinging to one simple phrase
that i knew so long ago
the one that little girls practice
and teenagers swoon over before, during, and after a romantic movie
The part where i say "I do" and you do, too.

Pieces of marital advice, it's like people preparing you for the worst
And yet, this countdown feels like I'm ready to put that part behind me
And start a whole new chapter of firsts

I tried on the wedding band you had made for me with your mothers diamonds
and it felt like it should be on a prettier hand
but you told me that wasn't true in your own way

For the first time - I'm positive. There isn't a hesitation,
i know it's you and me. Forever. I Do.

aa

A little far out....

I know that i tend to just write about working out or inspirations for being healthier on this blog...at least lately. But I've been having this weird feeling lately. Like i'm becoming an outsider in what used to be my circle of friends.

Not that they don't love me. But i just feel far away. When i do get invited to things - i feel like they are talking about all these times when I wasn't invited. So i don't know what's going on. And i have this sort of out of body feeling where i'm looking down at myself and just feel like i'm floating up, up and away from what's happening right there in front of me.

I try not to be upset about it. I'm sure it's not on purpose. I'm sure they haven't stopped loving me. But sometimes i think they do forget about me. Is it because I'm getting married? Is it because I live a few more miles up the road? Do i never cross their minds when they are thinking who to invite over? I mean - in the past, it would be weird if i wasn't there. Like if all of them were, and i wasn't. They would text me and call me and say "dre - where are you?"

Because I was part of that group. And honestly, i just feel like I haven't done anything different and for whatever reason, they've just forgotten about me. I don't get called for brunch. I don't get called for the cookout party they are having.

Is it wrong to expect an invitation even if they think i can't come? I always try to invite people even if i know they might have other plans. Because i never want anyone to feel left out. Because i can tell you from experience - it's not a very nice feeling.

Are my life choices separating me from my old friends? Am i isolating myself somehow? Do they not think i'm as fun as i used to be? Have i said "no" too many times? Or is this all in my head?

*sigh* I guess on the other side of this, I've been hanging out with new friends, too. It's like this divide - couple friends, single friends. Not really that my single friends are single - but it's like, the people that i used to hang out with before just sort of on my own. And then the new people in my life that the FI and I hang out with as couples. NOt that we don't hang out with the "single" friends together. Because, there are other couples in that group, too.

*sigh* It doesn't really make any sense. Just feeling sort of lonely, even though I'm not really alone.