Time

I'm having one of those weeks where I know I have a lot to do - but I'm lacking the motivation to be proactive about it. So i've succumbed to doing a little bit of work, taking a break and then doing more work, break, etc.

This is obviously one of my "break" moments.

As i was talking to my bf on the way home from the gym last nite - he was at work and he sounded so depressed. He told me how he was so bored at work and how nothing was ever challenging. I told him i felt the exact opposite a lot of the time. With my job - everything is a challenge. Everything takes 10 times longer than it should and sometimes its all so overwhelming that i just go into burnt out/breeze freeze mode for a few days until i can muster up enough energy to start digging into it again.

I'm hoping to feel better after I work out at lunch. I'm hoping that will wake me up and i'll have some new spunky feeling about how to make progress on some of my projects.

On another note - I went to visit my sister after the gym yesterday as she was starting to paint her kitchen in her new house. I couldn't see the whole house yet because they are still working on the hardwoods so you can't walk on them. But it was super exciting to think of my sister owning a home and really calling the Carolinas home. it's weird to think that 10 years ago, i was the first one in my family to move out of state and try life outside of kentucky. And now, my sister and my parents live in the Carolinas.

I'm proud of her for being responsible enough to buy a house. Its strange what things my sister beats me to the punch on. But on this one, i don't mind so much as my plans are pretty laid out for me at this point and they don't really require me to purchase a house on my own any time soon.

Its strange to see your little sister as an adult. Sometimes i still think of us fighting over who gets to use the phone line when we were tweens, or how we were strangers when I was away at college. I'm so glad that we've moved past that point now - and i can be a part of her life now that we are adults without the constant yelling or silence that we grew up with. Amazing how time changes things, and changes people.

Whew. Now if only time would speed up so it was 5pm and i could go home!

You Never Know What's Coming For You

So yesterday my bf and i finally watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I had wanted to see it in the theater but my bf has a hard time sitting still for a regular length movie - so i figured i'd see it via netflix. So he finally got it and we made time to watch it yesterday. I have to say this was probably the saddest movie i have seen in a long time.

I could NOT stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks about 3/4 of the way through. And every time i thought i had pulled it together - nope, here they come again. I'm not much of a "cry in front of you" person. And i definitely haven't cried in situations other than a sad movie with my bf. I just don't like to cry in front of people. That's something i do in private people.

So i was in serious pain trying to keep myself from an all out sobfest yesterday. You know that feeling where you are flexing every muscle in your face and somehow your throat too to keep from crying outloud? It was weird - sometimes i think when i see a sad movie and i let myself get involved emotionally - it just opens up the floodgates for me. And all of a sudden i'm crying about all the sad things that have ever happened to me or MIGHT happen to me in the future. lol

After the movie was over, i looked over at my guy and just said "that was the saddest movie ever" and he looked semi teary eyed too. And he gave me a hug and for whatever reason that made fresh tears happen. And he was like trying to comfort me and tell me that i shouldn't worry and we would "grow old together and not age in opposite ways" which was funny but instead of laughing it made me think about how terrible it must be to lose the person you love. Your significant other.

And of course, that made me cry more. And he, in response, probably was thinking i'm crazy. I did pull it together finally after he left to get me a tissue. I couldn't believe how sad that movie mad me.

I guess i just really identified on some weird level with it because for the first time in my life i have "the real deal" in the significant other category and have something to lose. Not that i haven't dated other people, but I just have never felt this overwhelming sense of sadness at the thought of them not being in my life forever. I mean - we all think we feel that way with first loves and dumb loves (as i like to label them). But this time, the feeling was different. And even though it hurt my heart (eyes and throat, too from refusing to sob outloud) - it makes me happy that i finally have someone that has the ability to make me feel that way.

It's just like one of the residents, Mrs. Maple says to Benjamin's: "Benjamin, we're meant to lose the people we love. How else would we know how important they are to us?"

Obviously, I don't want to ever lose anyone i love - but i'm really happy to say I already have an idea of how important a lot of the people in my life are. And that awareness makes me very blessed.

Creatures of Habit

I'd like to think that i'm a pretty interesting person. But the older I get - the more i realize that i am a creature of habit and that probably lessens the points on the interesting scale.

For example, i have been eating the same breakfast for 5 months. Like not just similar breakfast meals - but the exact same thing with the exception of the weekend when i rarely eat breakfast at all. But every Monday - Friday i eat 2 turkey sausages (they heat up in the microwave in 30 seconds) and 1 hardboiled egg.

I also have a cup of coffee every morning with my breakfast.

I also have developed a popcorn habit. Of course, i get the 94% fat free bags or something like that and i buy the i can't believe its not butter spray to trick myself into thinking i'm having movie-like popcorn. It's been my snack of choice for like - 2 months i'd say.

My bf and i make all of our meals on the weekend so we have everything cooked and portioned and ready to eat for lunch and dinner during the week. So we pick our meals in advance and everything we make - we have it twice. So again - if you see me eating a salad on Monday - you can bet big money that you'll see me eating the exact same thing the next day for lunch.

My bf makes it a priority to spread his meals out so he doesn't eat the same thing two days in a row. But not me, when i get stuff ready for the day i end up just taking both servings of my lunch to work with me and i'll eat them 2 days back to back.

I look back in my life and i realize that i form habits that will last up to about a year - and i will never complain or get tired of them. And then all of a sudden, i can't bear to have that dish any more. So last nite - as i was snacking on my delicious popcorn - it started tasting nasty to me.

I think that my popcorn snacking days are close to over. Which sucks because i still have some left. I anticipate it sitting in my cabinet until my lease is over.

I'm wondering how long the turkey sausage and eggs will last. I think i ate veggie burgers every day for lunch for a year once. I am so boring.

I wish i could be as quick to form a healthy habit like going to the gym everyday. I am basically forcing myself to go to the gym for at least 30 minutes as often as i can. My preference would be to get to the gym every day. But i have a semi-part time job and it makes it difficult to always have the time after work. So here's to forming a gym habit 4 times a week. This would be one habit i'd be happy to keep for the rest of my life. *sigh*

Busy vs Priority?

So i realize i quickly stopped blogging. I guess life gets busy and then settles down. Or at least that's what i thought would happen - you know, that life would eventually settle down. But that is quite the opposite of what has happened in my life.

This time last year i was finalizing my thesis, preparing to present, job hunting, and struggling with getting out of an unhealthy relationship. When i finished up the 2 years of being a full time graduate student and a full time staff person at a university - i thought i would have ungodly amounts of free time to spend as i wished. And then when i got my new job - i thought, well, the new job is what is taking up all my time, i'll feel better and like i have more time when my job isn't so new.

Then i finally ended a 3 year relationship and i was like - you know, i'm going to have so much more time now that i don't have to deal with all this drama and stress.

I'm beginning to feel a bit like the take out cashier in the movie "Dude Where's my Car?"...

and THEN...

I met the best guy ever and started spending time with him.

And we were talking the other day about how life is busy. And no matter what you do, or what you think - life just keeps you busy. And i tend to not be able to say no to things (although my boyfriend says that i have no problem saying no to him :).

Yesterday he was telling me about how his friend just told him about how he's throwing his fiance a birthday party this weekend and that we should come. When he told me that we both just sort of laughed about someone asking us to do something on a friday or saturday night without more than a two week advance notice. I mean - it's crazy. I have to plan a month out to do anything unless its just spur of the moment plans or something falls through.

So i guess instead of waiting for life to stop being busy - it's more about continually re-prioritizing things. What's most important right now? What will be most important in 2 weeks?

Right here - right now, it seemed like getting back in touch was a priority. For what it's worth - i'm going to work on continuing to make it a priority!

Scary Times

So, our nation is definitely in a time of crisis. I feel like the state in which i work is also up against major heartache as our governor seems pretty hell bent on not taking the stimulus money that every other state has accepted.

It seems that his personal desires to "be right" are outweighing the implications that are ahead for every person in South Carolina regardless of whether he is right or wrong. If he doesn't accept the stimulus money - it would result in major layoffs to many organizations, and I'm scared to say that i'm nervous for my own job and those around me if he doesn't change his mind. Regardless of whether Obama's stimulus package fails or succeeds - we'll be involved in paying money back as citizens of the USA. The only different for South Carolina folk is that we won't have benefitted from any of the stimulus money being put into the economy in our state.

I am not pretending to know everything about this situation. But the state of our economy is starting to sink into my system a bit. It's all becoming so real that i can taste it. I can feel the pinch on my paycheck, i can feel the tension in our organization. I see the scared look on everyone's faces...

Today as i was driving back to work from a meeting, i saw a middle aged woman standing on the side of the road near a shopping center holding a sign:

"Please help - Single mother of 2 and lost my job"

It's all around us. Even on street corners in tiny towns. You can't escape it.

I guess today the prayer of the hour is that our governor can step outside his own personal agenda and know that his decision impacts so much more than just his future political career. If anything- but making this decision based on a political agenda, he's showing us that being right is more important than anything else. And while i love to be right (who doesn't?) - sometimes that isn't always the bottom line.

The Long Pause

So - it's been longer than i've wanted it to be (not that TOO many people are on the edge of their seats waiting for me to update), but i was busy traveling across 6 states last week with 15 college age students in tow.

Yah - i'm sure you are like - mmmm, kidnapper? But no, trust me. Quite the opposite. I work at a university and our office coordinates an alternative spring break option for students who apply to go. So 15 students went on my trip...we went to Biloxi, Mississippi to work with a non-profit group there dedicated to working with the victims of hurricane katrina.

It's been awhile since i've done something i'd classify as "volunteer manual labor" so it was a week that i spent getting my hands dirty, literally. I'm still finding white paint on my arms and legs that just won't come off. We helped a guy who owns a historic house on the gulf coast, but couldn't move back in until some major things were taken care of - namely, the lead paint had to be scraped off and then new primer and paint had to go on. So our group worked with him for 3 of the 4 work days we had. Although scraping paint, applying layers of primer and then paint don't sound super glamorous - it was strange how i didnt' feel like i was really working all week.

Yet at the end of the day i was exhausted and dirty, ready for bed way before any of the students and often the first to rise even though i'm not a morning person at all. I was nervous when i volunteered to help lead this trip, i thought maybe that part of my heart had closed a bit. Honestly, i think that's why i forced myself to volunteer in the first place. It was outside my comfort zone - as my version of helping people is usually from my office or working one on one with someone. So i think it was sort of a challenge to myself to see if i had it within myself to really enjoy straight up volunteering again.

I guess as i type this i think i'm probably coming off as a really cruel, mean person. And i promise, I'm not - i just ahve a hard time pushing myself out of my comfort zone when it comes to volunteering. Things run through my mind like:
"What if i have to talk to someone who i can't understand very well?"
"What if i am responsible for a project i don't have the ability to complete?"

Things like that.

But here's the good news....

I went, participated, lead, followed, laughed, slept, stayed up, attempted eating peas (didn't work out), was forced into eating pork (ugh) and mcdonalds multiple times. So it was a mostly good mix. In returning to work this week - i feel like i accomplished something really solid last week. Not just for myself, but i feel like i accomplished something by working well with a group of people, many of them totally new, and actually made a difference for someone outside of where my typical comfort zone would have taken me.

I remember now that when you are really putting yourself out there - volunteering your services and never really knowing where it will take you - you always end up getting more out of it than you could ever put in.

Watch It

So i have this really decent watch. I'ts a kenneth cole reaction watch - silver, bracelet style. It's a far cry from my previous watch which was nike one - but it wasn't a huge bulky sport watch, it was sleek,black and narrow. It was also amazingly digital.

I wish so badly for another digital watch that didn't totally take away all my professionalism. I had to get a new watch because my last one broke after several years - but every time someone asks me what time it is, i think about how much easier life was when i had my digital watch. This stupid (yet classy) new watch has actual hands i have to squint to see to tell the time. And the stupid (yet professional) date at the bottom isn't smart enough to know what month has 30 days or 31 one days - or how to deal with the Real Whopper of February. So i have to constantly switch the date on it which i have to do...um MANUALLY.

As in i have to figure out how to pull the little dial out perfectly enough to change the date but not change the time. After a year - i still haven't mastered this. And on more than one occasion i have actually told someone else the wrong date because my stupid watch isn't smart enough to figure it out for me.

So today i look down and it says "14" and i realize it's not the 14 because i've already had a few people tell me that today is Friday the 13th. So i start trying to "fix it" which means that for whatever reason i can only get the dial to go UP so now i have to go all the way to 31 before it resets so i can get it to 13. After getting the date up to 23, i'm honestly considering buying a new watch.

A ditigal one.