When I was younger – I definitely wanted children. I was basically the most sought after babysitter in the land among my church. I was great with kids, and somehow I had this endless energy to run after them. One of my favorite games was “Ocean.” I told the kids that the whole house was an ocean and I would be the shark or I’d pick someone else to be the shark and we’d have to swim through the house avoiding other sea creatures and caverns, etc. It would turn into an hour of just running around in make believe and end with everyone passed out on the floor and red faced. It was fun for me and the kids.
I babysat all the way through highschool and college and then even some after college. But somewhere along the way – I decided that having children wasn’t something I particularly wanted anymore. I just seemed to have less patience, the games seemed like more of a hassle and the energy I once had vast amounts of vanished. Now, I didn’t turn into a terrible babysitter or anything, I still did a good job. I just felt like my heart wasn’t in it as much as it used to be. My family seemed shocked about my lack of interest in having children. Everyone in our family always has children. At least 2 or 3. I spent a lot of time feeling like the baa baa black sheep.
At the same time as this change of heart, I was dating someone new. I spent three years with him, and now that I look back…I realize that all the energy and enthusiasm I had for make believe and games and endless patience was being used in that relationship. I put all my energy and optimism into a really crappy situation and my powerful ability to “make believe” was used for thinking myself into a better situation instead of making up fun games for the kids I babysat. All the patience I had was now spent in my personal relationship instead of me being nice to others around me. It zapped me of my energy, and ultimately made me think that I didn’t want kids.
As soon as I ended that three year disaster, I started working on me again. I’d put myself last for a long time and I’d really forgotten who I was in the midst of trying to help someone else with their issues and problems. I started realizing the things that were important to me that I’d shoved aside – like family, faith, patience, marriage, commitment and truth. In my next relationship and the one I’m currently in now….I was able to bring my true self into it from the very beginning. I started the relationship out the right way – just being totally and completely me. As our relationship has progressed and we are now planning a wedding…we find ourselves in conversations about “well when we have kids” and making plans for now with the thought of “well when we have a kid” as a follow up.
I realized that being with the right person allows you to be you. From the dorky snort when things are really funny to admitting that you ate too much or that you really are scared to go into the attic by yourself – it’s all okay. And that when you finally are okay with you, and have embraced all the things that you want and love – maybe even the act of remembering what you once wanted when you were a little girl – you can really seriously be with someone who compliments all of those things.
I felt like a bad person for so long – that I had turned into some super adult who couldn’t fathom a thing such as “children.” And deep inside, I felt guilty about that and now I realize that the guilt came from not being true to myself. Not letting myself have the feelings and emotions that were really part of my make-up just made things worse. So this year has been about a lot of transitions and new beginnings for me. But it’s also been a lesson in remembering. Looking back and recalling the joy of rolling around in the floor playing robot with all those kids, being chased by a 3 year old shrilling shark, looking at my brother and his family and looking forward to having my own set of adorable children one day.
And knowing that now that I’m in the right situation, I can look forward to those things again – one day. And I can be happy that I’m not ignoring how I really feel anymore, I'm not pretending to be something i'm not because of who i'm dating.
It's good because I can look to the future and imagine our life. And I can see myself being the mom shark and letting the kids run around the house every now and again because it's fun. I’m not in a hurry to get there, and I’m happy with the one day at a time. It's just good to finally just be me.
This was so interesting to read - I didn't REALLY think you'd never have kids, to be honest, I always thought it was a phase you were in. But then again, I never wanted to say that because god knows there are enough children in the world already and if you don't want them, don't have them! That's my motto, anyway. So many do it simply out of obligation. When I grow up, I'm going to adopt a bunch of them ;)
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