My Time Capsule

Over the weekend, my sister dropped by to pick up her dogs. We have been dogsitting every weekend this month! Not to mention WE just got our puppy on Saturday, so it's been a crazy weekend/week with so many new things happening.

But my sister said to me "I have something for you." So i'm thinking - okay, cool. She walks to her car and brings this plain manilla envelope in to me. And i said - what is it? She told me she had no clue and that it was left on her front door at her house. It hadn't been mailed - just dropped off. No note.

So i look inside and I see this folder that has been taped shut on all sides. And it has my friend from highschool's name printed on the tape to show that it hasn't been opened. And my name on the other side. On the tab of the file folder it reads: "Andreas Time Capsule"



Memories start flooding back to me. A project that one of my classes did in highschool at the end of sophomore year was a time capsule. We were supposed to open them together at our 10 year reunion.

I didn't go to our 10 year reunion.

Later in the day when i had some time to myself, i went through the folder. I found a lot of things - but what really overwhelmed me was a letter we wrote to ourselves. I wrote this on Saturday, May 17, 1997 to myself:

Dear Dre,
I didn't think this would be such a hard project to do. But i'm sitting here in the basement almost crying. I'm so scared to grow up. I mean, I'm just not ready for the world yet. Are you still scared? What's it like to fall in love, what's it like to hear someone call you mommy? Right now, school just seems to drain me. Four more days till I'm out of sophomore year. I'm scared to get older. I hope its not so bad.

*Then there is another paragraph about who my current crushes are and i'm just going to leave that out* ;) *

One thing. I hope that now that you (we're) older we/you/i still have lots of pals. Remember not to keep everything to yourself...let it out. Don't forget about poetry and writing stuff either. This year i compiled my poetry book, Mirror, Mirror. Hope you/i/we still remember. Remember to play the piano a lot too! I love the moonlight sonata and endless love by Lionel Richie.

Also...where's Eti (the turtle/sand creature) and Toby...or what about brownie, my bear? You still have all that stuff? I hope so.

This has also been my year of caps lock. Everything i write practically is in all caps (this letter is handwritte BTW so it's all written in capital letters).

Do you still love mexican food? Is Guadalajara still open in Danville? If so, go and get taco salad (beef) no guacamola w/ diet to drink. It's the best. And at the Outback Steakhouse I always get the alice springs chicken. And drop by the old church, k? Go and see the youth room and what's going on up there. Is there still a band? Where's Jamie Ward these days? Is jesse pope, josh/jeremy hughes or Jk Kurtz famous yet? If so, I saw them get started!! They were all my good pals. Well anyway...hope things are going extremely well for us now!! Remember to pray tonight! And to tell your friends and family you love them.

Love you,
Me.

Being 15 is so crazy. Reading a letter to yourself that you wrote at 15 - even crazier.

Mortgage: The beginning of a very long term relationship

So on 10/31 - my lease is up with my apartment. I've turned in my notice. We've moved most of my stuff. Our bedrooms in the house where we will be living together are starting to look like actual furnished rooms and not empty spaces.

I've started putting little decorations in the nooks and crannies of our house - making it feel more like home. I'm still trying to remember that my bras are in the guest bedroom drawers and my gym clothes are in the office closet. I haven't found the right pattern for turning on the lights in the house so i'm never in the dark.

We moved my bed to our master bedroom and i feel like the present is more real than ever before. Or maybe it's just this vision of my future i'm having now that i see the "stuff" that i had at my own place now on the counter tops and bookshelves in this new home.

Our home.

I keep calling it "Rj's House" instead of our house because i'm not sure how it sounds yet to other people. Rj and I practice using the word "our." Our house. Our yard. Our new puppy. Our life.

It's weird not just being a "me" or "you" anymore. There is no "my place" anymore - it's ours. And yes, you can still come over to our place. :)

And i realized that i paid my last rent check this month. As i'm reviewing my bills for the month, I'm trying to figure out how I'm ( I mean we're) going to split up paying the mortgage, the gas bill, the cable/internet bill and all those other money sucking things.

I was about to update my Quicken online budget so instead of saying "rent" it would read as "mortgage." Moving in to his house (our house) is quickly becoming totally official. No more "we can stay at my place" or running to check the mail there. Pretty soon it's just going to be me and him and our house with our back yard. I'm going to start paying a mortgage on my house.

The mortgage seems more to me than just another bill. It's a symbol of the commitment we've made to each other in a very tangible sort of way. I can touch that money - I can see where it's going, i can look at the bill every month and see how many years we have a head of us, how it all starts with this first mortgage payment that we make together.

Officially sharing. It's the beginning of a very long term relationship with each other and our home.

The Make Believe

When I was younger – I definitely wanted children. I was basically the most sought after babysitter in the land among my church. I was great with kids, and somehow I had this endless energy to run after them. One of my favorite games was “Ocean.” I told the kids that the whole house was an ocean and I would be the shark or I’d pick someone else to be the shark and we’d have to swim through the house avoiding other sea creatures and caverns, etc. It would turn into an hour of just running around in make believe and end with everyone passed out on the floor and red faced. It was fun for me and the kids.

I babysat all the way through highschool and college and then even some after college. But somewhere along the way – I decided that having children wasn’t something I particularly wanted anymore. I just seemed to have less patience, the games seemed like more of a hassle and the energy I once had vast amounts of vanished. Now, I didn’t turn into a terrible babysitter or anything, I still did a good job. I just felt like my heart wasn’t in it as much as it used to be. My family seemed shocked about my lack of interest in having children. Everyone in our family always has children. At least 2 or 3. I spent a lot of time feeling like the baa baa black sheep.

At the same time as this change of heart, I was dating someone new. I spent three years with him, and now that I look back…I realize that all the energy and enthusiasm I had for make believe and games and endless patience was being used in that relationship. I put all my energy and optimism into a really crappy situation and my powerful ability to “make believe” was used for thinking myself into a better situation instead of making up fun games for the kids I babysat. All the patience I had was now spent in my personal relationship instead of me being nice to others around me. It zapped me of my energy, and ultimately made me think that I didn’t want kids.

As soon as I ended that three year disaster, I started working on me again. I’d put myself last for a long time and I’d really forgotten who I was in the midst of trying to help someone else with their issues and problems. I started realizing the things that were important to me that I’d shoved aside – like family, faith, patience, marriage, commitment and truth. In my next relationship and the one I’m currently in now….I was able to bring my true self into it from the very beginning. I started the relationship out the right way – just being totally and completely me. As our relationship has progressed and we are now planning a wedding…we find ourselves in conversations about “well when we have kids” and making plans for now with the thought of “well when we have a kid” as a follow up.

I realized that being with the right person allows you to be you. From the dorky snort when things are really funny to admitting that you ate too much or that you really are scared to go into the attic by yourself – it’s all okay. And that when you finally are okay with you, and have embraced all the things that you want and love – maybe even the act of remembering what you once wanted when you were a little girl – you can really seriously be with someone who compliments all of those things.

I felt like a bad person for so long – that I had turned into some super adult who couldn’t fathom a thing such as “children.” And deep inside, I felt guilty about that and now I realize that the guilt came from not being true to myself. Not letting myself have the feelings and emotions that were really part of my make-up just made things worse. So this year has been about a lot of transitions and new beginnings for me. But it’s also been a lesson in remembering. Looking back and recalling the joy of rolling around in the floor playing robot with all those kids, being chased by a 3 year old shrilling shark, looking at my brother and his family and looking forward to having my own set of adorable children one day.

And knowing that now that I’m in the right situation, I can look forward to those things again – one day. And I can be happy that I’m not ignoring how I really feel anymore, I'm not pretending to be something i'm not because of who i'm dating.

It's good because I can look to the future and imagine our life. And I can see myself being the mom shark and letting the kids run around the house every now and again because it's fun. I’m not in a hurry to get there, and I’m happy with the one day at a time. It's just good to finally just be me.

I'll Miss You My Little Blackness

We got little black dog when i was 14. She was the tiniest little thing ever. Full grown she was a whopping 10-11 pounds, so you can imagine her as a puppy. She fit in a little Easter basket when we first got her - i remember taking her picture in it on my floral bedspread and she just sat there - too little to even try and jump out.

She was black and red. A miniature dachshund. She had the cutest little white belly when we first got her. Never once did she ever snap at me or anyone. She loved to just be near you - sitting on the couch, in the recliner, laying in the floor. She had her favorite blankets that we kept scattered through our house and often times you'd find her buried in between the folds. She always liked to burrow in them to stay warm and secure.

At night, she'd always sleep in my little twin bed with me. She was a little fire pit, always so warm which was nice in the winter and terrible in the summer heat. It was always so frustrating because she could never jump on and off the bed, so you'd have to constantly put her down, pick her up - especially in the morning time when she wanted to be let 0ut.

I wish she could have slept next to me one more time. She was always such a good little cuddler. Whenever i'd visit my parents, she would follow me around into everyroom. Sit next to me every single chance and her tail would wag at the sound of my voice.

She was my little black dog. Duchess Mahogany Splendor. That was her registered name - we called her so many things. Duchess, Dutch, Blackness, Black Dog, Perro de Negro (i was taking spanish in high school right about the time we got her).

I loved her so much. 14 years. How could you not love someone who has been in your family for 14 years? I'm gonna miss her so much. Going back to my parents house and her not being there will be the hardest. i would always look for her first - and i'm so glad that everytime i saw her, i spent some time with her and told her how much i loved her and how good she was. Because she was.

I'll miss you black dog.

The Choices We Make

We are from the same place
Share the same color of blue for eyes
We walk the same, i could pick you out of a crowd of legs
We heard all the same things on this journey to adulthood
But in the end, we find ourselves making different choices

Who am i to say you are wrong?
Who are you to say i am wrong?
We both read the same bible, pray to the same God
How are our understandings so different?

I am torn between feeling betrayed and loved deeply
Your perspective is one i find limited
and yet completely identify with at the same moment
We come from the same teaching

And yet - my heart doesn't know whether to break or burst
because i'm not sure i agree with you - on any of this
and would i re-write my future just to keep you happy?

Or am i pretending it doesn't matter to me? Or maybe it just doesn't -
And this choice is one i've already made

My heart is something only i can understand and i can't tell it to you
My spirit only carries the conversations that i have with Him, and you can't hear it
And you don't know my love and how my heart has already committed to
This Day Forward

And how to me - it is already done.

Why the Chicken Crossed the Road

I have made plenty of bad decisions in my time. I absolutely believe I will make more bad decisions in the future.

But what I struggle with the most, is letting someone else figure out they are making a bad decision. I know, i know. Experience is the best teacher. But it is in my nature to try and save people. Save them from themselves, from the heartache, from the potential pain, from so many things that i've experienced myself.

Ultimately, it's me making a judgment call. It's me saying "I'm right." And i get that in the end, I don't really have a say. And there is a chance I'm wrong - there always is that chance. But i think when you are on the other side of the road waiting for the next person to cross - your vantage point could be clearer than theirs. But shouting "Come across now!!! It's safe!" to someone who thinks they don't have time to make it will probably sound like crazy advice from where they are standing.

What do they say? Hindsight is 20/20. I look back and see all the times i should have take that leap of faith and ventured across the road even if it did seem sort of scary at the time. Even if the sound of the oncoming car was overwhelmingly loud - even if i saw the smoke in the distance and it seemed like a speeding bullet. And i wonder how much farther along on the other side of this road would i be if i hadn't waited so long to just do it?

In the end, I can't go back and change things. And ultimately, I'm happy now with the side of the road i'm on. But i know that there are probably some scary jaywalks ahead of me, I'm not going to pretend that things will be perfect and clear from here on out.

But when i turn around and i look at those scattered on the other side...those that are still so hesitant to cross...I see them sticking one foot on the the roadway and immediately stepping back and I wonder - what is stopping them? What do they see coming in the distance that keeps them right where they are?

I keep stopping to yell "I'm right here - just cross the road. I'll keep an eye out for you" - but it falls on deaf ears.

Somehow the space between us is so manageable to me and yet so unfathomable to you. It's hard to trust me - when it's not my life. I understand that.

But i want better for you....I want you to see things from this side of road.

It's so much clearer over here. I swear it is.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

He finally figured out how.

The Secret Stress

Apparently, i'm stressed out.

Perhaps it's a delayed reaction - because I don't really feel all that stressed out right now. After this week at work, things should calm down a bit and I'm experiencing a bit more time to breath and catch up than i was before.

Yet, every morning i'm waking up to a sore jaw. As i research my symptoms this morning on google - it seems that i have some version of TMJ. I have self diagnosed myself and have gone as far to write myself a prescription: Relax.

My fiance told me today that he wished i were more laid back. Well, me too, honestly. I work hard to appearing laid back, but those that know me really well know that I'm always thinking, always contemplating, always predicting and analyzing and making connections in my head. A machine that doesn't stop. And i guess it's started to work it's way from my brain into my jaw.

It's not a great feeling to feel like i've been punched in the face every morning when i wake up. My friend said that maybe i'm having stressful dreams. But last night i remember two things:

1.) I dreamt that we got a humidifier for our bedroom and that it was awesome.
2.) I dreamt that the next season of LOST started and i was a participant of sorts. My alarm went off just when i was getting to the good stuff!

So i don't really think either of those things are super stressful. Yet, my jaw had taken a beating apparently.

I'm in the process of moving again. Maybe that is stressing me out more than i think. But honestly - it's a good move and i have help and it's going to make life better. It's probably the last move i'll make for awhile so that should be a good feeling.

Yes, i'm planning a wedding, but things are going okay. No major stresses as of yet, although i'm sure I will have my moments.

I guess i need to connect to my psyche a bit more and figure out what it is that i'm so tensed up over. That, or a massage.

Do massage therapists work on jaw muscles?

One Year Ago and One Year from Now

A year seems like a long time. Technically.

But then I think about where i was last year. Anticipating my now fiance's move back to town. Knowing that we had first connected four years ago and then he moved...and then we reconnected over the last summer via email and aim, text messaging. Wondering what would happen when he finally moved back. Would we be friends? Would it be more? Was i ready to move on after the last disaster of a relationship i had?

Meeting him out for a drink at Tyber Creek that night he got into town. His friends, and some of my friends. Us talking and him being excited about being back into town and me happy that he was back and things seemed to be going well. Then all of a sudden, hiking the next day with my friends. Dinner out mid week - cooking me dinner after work. Drinks on Saturday?

And now, all of a sudden, it's a year later. Beginning of October and i have a ring on my finger and am thinking about the next year of my life and how it will be spent planning our wedding and preparing for our marriage. And i wonder - wow, had did this all happen so fast and yet feel so absolutely right?

A year is not always a long time, but i guess it is sometimes just the right amount of time.

Time enough to grow up and leave old habits behind, time to distance ourselves from old stories and memories we don't want. Time to be scared about having feelings again, and time to fall in love anyway despite all your reasons why you shouldn't.

Time to finally feel good about loving someone and feel appreciated and time to learn how to just accept love and the good things that go with it. Time enough to realize that nothing is perfect, but you can still be perfect for each other.

This year has been good to me. And as i'm looking at the clock - this time on this day next year, i will be married. I will have posed for all the pictures, and i will have my loved ones around me celebrating with me. I will be on my way to the reception most likely - ready for my first dance with my husband and a toast with my friends and family.

I promise to remember this moment. This moment that is right in the middle of how far i've come and how far it will take me.