I was more rock and roll at 16 than I am now, we all were
The screeching guitars, crashing symbols and amplified vocals
Sent thrills through me then and we would
Turn it up times ten in my little gold Tercel that lost its’ rims
to bumps in the road on a regular basis,
Leaving me to pull over and scurry into medians after them, hoping
no one would recognize me on the way to
Wednesday night Youth Group – we would pack out
that upstairs room; where our own rock stars would perform on
the stage we built for them; playing to our hearts content
Hundreds of jumping feet, singing along and
I can remember every beat of those songs, each break in the music
building suspense and we were so cool to know the next word
This was our rock and roll; our version of blue streaked hair and cigarettes it
Kept us safe from what happens next
Where we go our own ways and pretend it will always be the same
between us, but knowing deep down – these were fleeting moments that are
Now memories that rush back to me at 20, 25 and now at 29,
Flashes of what we wanted to be and how we desperately wanted to just stay on
those couches, listening to the strumming of the guitar and harmonized voices
singing songs that still play in my head on a rainy day where
The splatter of rain on my window, the tears that may have spilled; remind me
of who we were in those safe moments, where we needed each other most
and what we’ll never be again
aam 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
Confessions of a Middle Schooler and Being So Glad I'm 29 Instead
I’m in a place in my life where I’m reflecting on “how I got here.” Not really like “God” vs. Big Bang or anything – but more of like, thinking about the person I have become at 29.
I usually get this way after a big event (whether it’s in my life or someone close to me) or when I stumble across some of my old writing and it makes me think. So lucky me – both of these things happened to me recently so it’s been a double whammy. I had this big rubber maid bin sitting in the back of my Honda Fit (best car ever!!) for the longest time. My parents keep telling me to come to their house so I can bring all my old stuff that is sitting in their attic to my house. I started this process over the summer – and you see how far I got with it. From their attic to the back of my car. Ironically enough, prepping for my wedding and needing all the space in my car prompted me to finally move that big bin of “stuff” inside the house. Now that the big event is over, and I’m going through the process of cleaning up, organizing and trying to feel truly settled – I knew that it was time to open the bin, for better or worse, right?
So for those of you that don’t know me or haven’t known me for very long – all of my “big bins” of stuff that are saved from growing up contain writing. My writing – I’ve kept a diary, written stories, a journal, a blog every since I was able to write practically. Seriously – in the bin I went through recently, I found a journal from second grade where my teacher asked us to respond to a question every day that I had kept. I found several short stories I wrote in elementary school when I was part of the “writing club” and journals full of despair as my third grade self found out we were moving to a new town and I’d have to leave all my friends.
So when I go through these bins, it’s an all day process. I must read everything. I am always, always amazed by how brutally honest I was in those diaries and journals. Some entries really make me sad for my younger self. I want to find a time machine so I can go back and appear to myself at 10 year old and say “Don’t worry – you’ll get through this, you’ll make the best of friends in the next few years.” And at 16 I want to tell myself that hearts do heal, and that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. The entries from middle school are probably the worse. I am almost embarrassed to read them. One of the middle school entries I found during my most recent “bin” adventure was a contract that I wrote out for myself in my journal. It was about how I promised to not be fat anymore and that I didn’t want to live the rest of my life being overweight. And so I signed a contract agreeing to lose weight and be happier. The next 5-6 pages after the signed contract were food logs of all the meals and snacks I ate and how much I exercised.
Looking back at this attempt to “be happy” at age 12 or 13 and seeing my food log, I am alarmed at how uneducated I was about what eating healthy meant. My breakfast consisted of Toaster Strudles and Chocolate Milk. Lunch was frozen chicken nuggets and baked fries. Wendy’s spicy chicken sandwich and fries for dinner.
I truly had no clue how to help myself. It’s like I knew that I should be watching what I eat – but I didn’t understand anything about healthy choices. Why was that kind of junk even in my house to begin with? I was too embarrassed to ask anyone for help and my entire family struggled with the same weight issues so I didn’t really have someone to show me what to do. As I continued to read my journals, they are filled with disappointment in myself, asking God why he was punishing me by making me be overweight. How it wasn’t fair. There were even some entries where I tried to strike a deal with God – you know, I’ll be really good and you can make me lose 5 pounds this week. Man, it breaks my heart to read those words. That desperation to be different from who I was. I wonder how many other people had those same feelings growing up and perhaps just didn’t document them. How many people still have these feelings?
To be honest, I had forgotten how unhappy I was during those years in my life. Not with my friends or family, but just with myself. And instead of asking for help – I just floundered around for so long by myself. Knowing I needed to change but having no idea how to do it – at least not in a way that was lasting. It took me most of my teenage years and a lot of my 20’s to find the courage to change and actually DO something to help myself. Instead of it requiring an amazing amount of strength and self determination – I found that making a decision to change my lifestyle and become educated about how to be healthy was really more of a surrender to myself and my previous lifestyle.
It was more about learning how to let go of how you’ve always been – and allowing the opportunity to be a “new you” shine through . Letting go of those pictures of you with braces and the unfortunate outfits. Letting go of that hairstyle that you didn’t know looked so ridiculous. Letting go of all those habits to just not talk about it and deal with it in your head. Letting go of those insults and comments people made to you because you were a chubby kid or teenager.
Honestly – it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It is something I still struggle with today. As I read through those entries in my journals, I wanted to go back to that girl who wrote them and give her a hug and wipe her tears away and tell her that she is not alone. I want to go back and tell her how to find the right information about being healthy – to explain that weight loss is not a miracle that happens to some people and not for others. To show her that making a few changes at a time can lead to a long lasting impact. And really – to tell her to stop being so scared of just trying. To stop writing and thinking about what she should do so much and just DO IT.
And it brings me full circle to where I am now in my life. Reading those entries makes me feel even more strongly that we have to help each other with our goals. And not keep quiet about them. Find people that have the same mind set and surround yourself with positivity. Because I didn’t let anyone in on how I felt about myself when I was younger – no one could ever help me. That was a big mistake and one that so many people are still making today – even in their adult lives. I used to think (even in college) that if I talked about weight loss or wanting to lose weight that people would see me as bigger than I already was. That I would be looked down on. I have no idea why I thought that – I guess my weight and my struggle to be healthier was something I buried deep inside me and talking about it made it more real and I wasn’t ready for that.
I have been more successful in my weight loss journey since I have opened up about it. This process has not only helped me physically look and feel better – but emotionally – it has been a positive adventure as well. One that I wouldn’t trade for anything because I have learned so much about myself from it. I wanted to share this today because I think so many people are out there trying to do this alone and I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to….finding someone who is excited about fitness, or excited about eating healthy things is a great place to start. Don’t feel like you have to find someone with the same weight loss goals as you – one of my biggest inspirations two and a half years ago was actually a co-worker turned friend who was already in excellent shape. She was just so excited about living a healthy lifestyle that it encouraged me to be that way as well. She didn’t look down at me and tell me I had a long way to go. She just was always up for working out, meeting up to eat meals we made at home, and being a great friend in the process.
So stop looking for someone else that has the same issues as you do, someone who can complain with you about your mutual disappointments – and look for people who have the same dreams that you do. Instead of focusing on how much weight you have to lose – think of it as how you want to be healthier. How you want to run a 5k. How you want to swim 10 laps without stopping. Focus on the cup being half full instead of the other way. This type of positivity is impossible to ignore. It will start making changes in your life, and in other peoples life like this ripple effect you can’t even begin to imagine. And it’s the sort of impact that is long-lasting, life changing, and something you’ll want to write about. You know, so you can go back in 10 years and read it, and realize how right you were.
I usually get this way after a big event (whether it’s in my life or someone close to me) or when I stumble across some of my old writing and it makes me think. So lucky me – both of these things happened to me recently so it’s been a double whammy. I had this big rubber maid bin sitting in the back of my Honda Fit (best car ever!!) for the longest time. My parents keep telling me to come to their house so I can bring all my old stuff that is sitting in their attic to my house. I started this process over the summer – and you see how far I got with it. From their attic to the back of my car. Ironically enough, prepping for my wedding and needing all the space in my car prompted me to finally move that big bin of “stuff” inside the house. Now that the big event is over, and I’m going through the process of cleaning up, organizing and trying to feel truly settled – I knew that it was time to open the bin, for better or worse, right?
So for those of you that don’t know me or haven’t known me for very long – all of my “big bins” of stuff that are saved from growing up contain writing. My writing – I’ve kept a diary, written stories, a journal, a blog every since I was able to write practically. Seriously – in the bin I went through recently, I found a journal from second grade where my teacher asked us to respond to a question every day that I had kept. I found several short stories I wrote in elementary school when I was part of the “writing club” and journals full of despair as my third grade self found out we were moving to a new town and I’d have to leave all my friends.
So when I go through these bins, it’s an all day process. I must read everything. I am always, always amazed by how brutally honest I was in those diaries and journals. Some entries really make me sad for my younger self. I want to find a time machine so I can go back and appear to myself at 10 year old and say “Don’t worry – you’ll get through this, you’ll make the best of friends in the next few years.” And at 16 I want to tell myself that hearts do heal, and that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. The entries from middle school are probably the worse. I am almost embarrassed to read them. One of the middle school entries I found during my most recent “bin” adventure was a contract that I wrote out for myself in my journal. It was about how I promised to not be fat anymore and that I didn’t want to live the rest of my life being overweight. And so I signed a contract agreeing to lose weight and be happier. The next 5-6 pages after the signed contract were food logs of all the meals and snacks I ate and how much I exercised.
Looking back at this attempt to “be happy” at age 12 or 13 and seeing my food log, I am alarmed at how uneducated I was about what eating healthy meant. My breakfast consisted of Toaster Strudles and Chocolate Milk. Lunch was frozen chicken nuggets and baked fries. Wendy’s spicy chicken sandwich and fries for dinner.
I truly had no clue how to help myself. It’s like I knew that I should be watching what I eat – but I didn’t understand anything about healthy choices. Why was that kind of junk even in my house to begin with? I was too embarrassed to ask anyone for help and my entire family struggled with the same weight issues so I didn’t really have someone to show me what to do. As I continued to read my journals, they are filled with disappointment in myself, asking God why he was punishing me by making me be overweight. How it wasn’t fair. There were even some entries where I tried to strike a deal with God – you know, I’ll be really good and you can make me lose 5 pounds this week. Man, it breaks my heart to read those words. That desperation to be different from who I was. I wonder how many other people had those same feelings growing up and perhaps just didn’t document them. How many people still have these feelings?
To be honest, I had forgotten how unhappy I was during those years in my life. Not with my friends or family, but just with myself. And instead of asking for help – I just floundered around for so long by myself. Knowing I needed to change but having no idea how to do it – at least not in a way that was lasting. It took me most of my teenage years and a lot of my 20’s to find the courage to change and actually DO something to help myself. Instead of it requiring an amazing amount of strength and self determination – I found that making a decision to change my lifestyle and become educated about how to be healthy was really more of a surrender to myself and my previous lifestyle.
It was more about learning how to let go of how you’ve always been – and allowing the opportunity to be a “new you” shine through . Letting go of those pictures of you with braces and the unfortunate outfits. Letting go of that hairstyle that you didn’t know looked so ridiculous. Letting go of all those habits to just not talk about it and deal with it in your head. Letting go of those insults and comments people made to you because you were a chubby kid or teenager.
Honestly – it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It is something I still struggle with today. As I read through those entries in my journals, I wanted to go back to that girl who wrote them and give her a hug and wipe her tears away and tell her that she is not alone. I want to go back and tell her how to find the right information about being healthy – to explain that weight loss is not a miracle that happens to some people and not for others. To show her that making a few changes at a time can lead to a long lasting impact. And really – to tell her to stop being so scared of just trying. To stop writing and thinking about what she should do so much and just DO IT.
And it brings me full circle to where I am now in my life. Reading those entries makes me feel even more strongly that we have to help each other with our goals. And not keep quiet about them. Find people that have the same mind set and surround yourself with positivity. Because I didn’t let anyone in on how I felt about myself when I was younger – no one could ever help me. That was a big mistake and one that so many people are still making today – even in their adult lives. I used to think (even in college) that if I talked about weight loss or wanting to lose weight that people would see me as bigger than I already was. That I would be looked down on. I have no idea why I thought that – I guess my weight and my struggle to be healthier was something I buried deep inside me and talking about it made it more real and I wasn’t ready for that.
I have been more successful in my weight loss journey since I have opened up about it. This process has not only helped me physically look and feel better – but emotionally – it has been a positive adventure as well. One that I wouldn’t trade for anything because I have learned so much about myself from it. I wanted to share this today because I think so many people are out there trying to do this alone and I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to….finding someone who is excited about fitness, or excited about eating healthy things is a great place to start. Don’t feel like you have to find someone with the same weight loss goals as you – one of my biggest inspirations two and a half years ago was actually a co-worker turned friend who was already in excellent shape. She was just so excited about living a healthy lifestyle that it encouraged me to be that way as well. She didn’t look down at me and tell me I had a long way to go. She just was always up for working out, meeting up to eat meals we made at home, and being a great friend in the process.
So stop looking for someone else that has the same issues as you do, someone who can complain with you about your mutual disappointments – and look for people who have the same dreams that you do. Instead of focusing on how much weight you have to lose – think of it as how you want to be healthier. How you want to run a 5k. How you want to swim 10 laps without stopping. Focus on the cup being half full instead of the other way. This type of positivity is impossible to ignore. It will start making changes in your life, and in other peoples life like this ripple effect you can’t even begin to imagine. And it’s the sort of impact that is long-lasting, life changing, and something you’ll want to write about. You know, so you can go back in 10 years and read it, and realize how right you were.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
And then it was Mrs.
Well - time did fly by. Now the wedding was 2 weekends ago and I'm back to work. The wedding was amazing. Everything went pretty smoothly - a couple of funny kinks (well they weren't funny THEN, but they are now).
In the end - i had a blast. I got to see all my family in one place, all my friends in one place - and they were all there to witness a huge moment in my life. That is so special. I will hold on to that piece of 10/2/10 forever. If there is one thing that i had to pick out about my husband and I (weird to say that!!!) it's that we are deeply social people. As much as i may need my quiet time to regenerate - with too much downtime, it drains me. He is the same way - just with less of a need to regenerate on his own. So having so many people there with us on our wedding day was like fueling our fire.
I can't pick my favorite moment from the day. It was definitely not the part where the music stopped working as soon as it was my turn to walk down the aisle. haha
And it was probably not the moment my new niece stepped on the front of my wedding dress on the dance floor and tripped me so completely that i fell DOWN and spilled my wine all over the place. My mom said that she wasn't surprised that i hurt my left knee on my wedding day. She said that over the course of my life, i have always hurt my left knee. And it was just another pivotal moment in my life. It's almost a reminder to be humble in a lot of ways i guess. When things are good - like God literally knocking me down and saying, remember? Interesting.
Some of my favorite moments were having my best friends around me all day. To make me laugh, to make me smile, to chill me out. In the end, with all the make up, the hair, the wedding gown - i still just felt like me and that made me happy. I wasn't pretending to be anyone else, i wasn't putting on a show. I was just me - and everyone was excited to be there and share that moment.
As i walked up the aisle, i fought back tears - again, it was a humbling experience to see a sea of faces and smiles who already love you, or people who are ready to love you from your significant others side. I held on tightly to my dad, looking to him to steady myself. Walking down toward RJ - and i could see a million miles away tears in his eyes. And i had to tell myself - keep it together or you'll never get it back through the whole ceremony. I thought about Rj's shoes that i let him buy for the wedding - high top brown vans and that made me smile and remember that it was just Rj, and i was just me - and everything was good.
It's funny what gets you through those moments. A lot of things are a blur. Rj said "i do" too soon and it made everyone laugh. We exchanged roses. He kissed me - we strolled out of the chapel and rushed to the side of the building to spend a few moments together before we took pictures.
The reception was just 100's of conversations, pictures, smiling, laughing, dancing, meeting new people and seeing old friends. *sigh*
I could write a book of memories and moments from that day. I'm so glad that there are so many pictures to tell the stories that i won't get to tell.
I'm married!
In the end - i had a blast. I got to see all my family in one place, all my friends in one place - and they were all there to witness a huge moment in my life. That is so special. I will hold on to that piece of 10/2/10 forever. If there is one thing that i had to pick out about my husband and I (weird to say that!!!) it's that we are deeply social people. As much as i may need my quiet time to regenerate - with too much downtime, it drains me. He is the same way - just with less of a need to regenerate on his own. So having so many people there with us on our wedding day was like fueling our fire.
I can't pick my favorite moment from the day. It was definitely not the part where the music stopped working as soon as it was my turn to walk down the aisle. haha
And it was probably not the moment my new niece stepped on the front of my wedding dress on the dance floor and tripped me so completely that i fell DOWN and spilled my wine all over the place. My mom said that she wasn't surprised that i hurt my left knee on my wedding day. She said that over the course of my life, i have always hurt my left knee. And it was just another pivotal moment in my life. It's almost a reminder to be humble in a lot of ways i guess. When things are good - like God literally knocking me down and saying, remember? Interesting.
Some of my favorite moments were having my best friends around me all day. To make me laugh, to make me smile, to chill me out. In the end, with all the make up, the hair, the wedding gown - i still just felt like me and that made me happy. I wasn't pretending to be anyone else, i wasn't putting on a show. I was just me - and everyone was excited to be there and share that moment.
As i walked up the aisle, i fought back tears - again, it was a humbling experience to see a sea of faces and smiles who already love you, or people who are ready to love you from your significant others side. I held on tightly to my dad, looking to him to steady myself. Walking down toward RJ - and i could see a million miles away tears in his eyes. And i had to tell myself - keep it together or you'll never get it back through the whole ceremony. I thought about Rj's shoes that i let him buy for the wedding - high top brown vans and that made me smile and remember that it was just Rj, and i was just me - and everything was good.
It's funny what gets you through those moments. A lot of things are a blur. Rj said "i do" too soon and it made everyone laugh. We exchanged roses. He kissed me - we strolled out of the chapel and rushed to the side of the building to spend a few moments together before we took pictures.
The reception was just 100's of conversations, pictures, smiling, laughing, dancing, meeting new people and seeing old friends. *sigh*
I could write a book of memories and moments from that day. I'm so glad that there are so many pictures to tell the stories that i won't get to tell.
I'm married!
Monday, September 27, 2010
Fast Forward One Week
In one week - I hope to be enjoying the Mexican sun about now. Full from a late breakfast, feeling a bit more rested than i did the day before after the whirlwind of a wedding weekend.
It's funny how quickly the human mind transitions from count down of time, to fast forwarding of time. Strange how time can fly by when you turn around and look at it, and feel oppressive when you are looking down at it.
Everyone's favorite question this week: "Are you ready?" I decided my generic response would be "I will be on Saturday." You see, you have to think of generic responses during times like these. Times when things are changing, big moments. Like a move, a marriage, having a child, losing someone you love, etc. Because humans are humans and we generically ask questions of each other - and i'm sure some people really DO care, and others - it's just because it's how humans are. What you should do. Polite interest.
So it's good to be prepared with your appropriate responses. Sometimes they are witty, other times, sweet, but always short and to the point so you don't trap someone in a long conversation with they were only politely interested in the first place. Enough small talk to entertain each other on a walk between buildings to your office, or while you wait in line for a coffee. That's perfect.
Anymore than that then i start to feel overwhelmed because i do have so much to do before Saturday that if i try to honestly list it from memory, i'll have a meltdown. lol. So everytime those that are actually engaged and involved in my life and therefore my wedding ask for information, i have to refer to my wedding agenda which i wrote up and have continually updated for the last week or two. It's like my bible of things to do.
"Thou shalt not forget."
I'm working on things. I'll be happier when i'm not at working thinking about my agenda. Somehow - just looking at it makes me feel better. Like if i look at it long enough, things will get done without me having to do anything at all. And basically, i'm just ready for the action to start. You can only plan, and pre-plan, and be prepared with a plan for so long before you just need to run the race you know? And you'll be prepared because you DID plan for it (you wrote out an agenda, remember?) and you'll figure out the rest along the way because you'll already be in motion.
So right now - it's like a pause button has been hit, and i'm just on edge waiting for someone to press play, so i can just get this started. So that way, we can have a beautiful day, i can see all my friends and family and then....i can be enjoying my Mexican sunshine and Margarita.
Ahhh, fast forward.
It's funny how quickly the human mind transitions from count down of time, to fast forwarding of time. Strange how time can fly by when you turn around and look at it, and feel oppressive when you are looking down at it.
Everyone's favorite question this week: "Are you ready?" I decided my generic response would be "I will be on Saturday." You see, you have to think of generic responses during times like these. Times when things are changing, big moments. Like a move, a marriage, having a child, losing someone you love, etc. Because humans are humans and we generically ask questions of each other - and i'm sure some people really DO care, and others - it's just because it's how humans are. What you should do. Polite interest.
So it's good to be prepared with your appropriate responses. Sometimes they are witty, other times, sweet, but always short and to the point so you don't trap someone in a long conversation with they were only politely interested in the first place. Enough small talk to entertain each other on a walk between buildings to your office, or while you wait in line for a coffee. That's perfect.
Anymore than that then i start to feel overwhelmed because i do have so much to do before Saturday that if i try to honestly list it from memory, i'll have a meltdown. lol. So everytime those that are actually engaged and involved in my life and therefore my wedding ask for information, i have to refer to my wedding agenda which i wrote up and have continually updated for the last week or two. It's like my bible of things to do.
"Thou shalt not forget."
I'm working on things. I'll be happier when i'm not at working thinking about my agenda. Somehow - just looking at it makes me feel better. Like if i look at it long enough, things will get done without me having to do anything at all. And basically, i'm just ready for the action to start. You can only plan, and pre-plan, and be prepared with a plan for so long before you just need to run the race you know? And you'll be prepared because you DID plan for it (you wrote out an agenda, remember?) and you'll figure out the rest along the way because you'll already be in motion.
So right now - it's like a pause button has been hit, and i'm just on edge waiting for someone to press play, so i can just get this started. So that way, we can have a beautiful day, i can see all my friends and family and then....i can be enjoying my Mexican sunshine and Margarita.
Ahhh, fast forward.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Adia
As i was listening to some music the other day, Angel, a Sarah McLachlan song, came on - and I was immediately reminded of her song Adia. Anytime i hear that song - i am not sure why, but i think of my best friend who i have known the longest in my life. We used to speak in lyrics to each other - like it was encrypted language that no one else would get. In a lot of ways - we were right. Songs always meant something different for us - and we analyzed the hell out of them during high school and made up our own meanings for the lyrics.
We still speak Lyric, even more than than a decade after highschool - this is still how we communicate during good and bad times. Now that she isn't sitting next to me in the church pew to just write a lyric phrase on the bulletin, we sometimes just text or email a line of a song to each other during the day or nite. Often times the next line of the lyric will be emailed back, almost like sending back the words "I understand. I'm here." without really saying that at all.
Lyrics are a beautiful language, and not everyone really appreciates them. That is one of the many things that have helped my best friend and i communicate over the years - when things happen and you are at a loss for words. Sometimes someone else has already said it better. And sometimes the words i come up with - don't make anything better no matter how hard i try. The heart has to heal itself, there is no magic cure. And there are so many different ways a heart can break. (on no, they don't break even) Only time - which sounds generic, can really heal you - and maybe a few meaningful lyrics from a well meaning friend.
Out of curiosity - I looked up this song on the internet and found the complete lyrics as well as a statement alluding to what this song is actually about. The article said that it was the artists attempt at an apology for falling in love, dating, and eventually marrying her best friends ex-boyfriend. What is even more ironic after reading that article is that situation has actually happened to me, but when i hear this song, i'm not reminded of the person that did that at all. There is a different song that makes me think of her, and it is one that she gave to me as an apology. It's funny how songs mean something different to everyone, isn't it?
For what it's worth, and for what this song means to me and that long time best friend, I'm sure she'll understand what i mean, even if the lyrics say something else. That's just how we do...
Adia I do believe I failed you
Adia I know I let you down
Don’t you know I tried so hard
To love you in my way
It’s easy let it go...
Adia I’m empty since you left me
Trying to find a way to carry on
I search myself and everyone
To see where we went wrong
’cause there’s no one left to finger
There’s no one here to blame
There’s no one left to talk to, honey
And there ain’t no one to buy our innocence
’cause we are born innocent
Believe me adia, we are still innocent
It’s easy, we all falter
Does it matter?
Adia I thought that we could make it
But I know I can’t change the way you feel
I leave you with your misery
A friend who won’t betray
I pull you from your tower
I take away your pain
And show you all the beauty you possess
If you’d only let yourself believe that
We are born innocent
Believe me adia, we are still innocent
It’s easy, we all falter, does it matter?
Believe me adia, we are still innocent
’cause we are born innocent
Adia we are still innocent
It’s easy, we all falter ... but does it matter?
We still speak Lyric, even more than than a decade after highschool - this is still how we communicate during good and bad times. Now that she isn't sitting next to me in the church pew to just write a lyric phrase on the bulletin, we sometimes just text or email a line of a song to each other during the day or nite. Often times the next line of the lyric will be emailed back, almost like sending back the words "I understand. I'm here." without really saying that at all.
Lyrics are a beautiful language, and not everyone really appreciates them. That is one of the many things that have helped my best friend and i communicate over the years - when things happen and you are at a loss for words. Sometimes someone else has already said it better. And sometimes the words i come up with - don't make anything better no matter how hard i try. The heart has to heal itself, there is no magic cure. And there are so many different ways a heart can break. (on no, they don't break even) Only time - which sounds generic, can really heal you - and maybe a few meaningful lyrics from a well meaning friend.
Out of curiosity - I looked up this song on the internet and found the complete lyrics as well as a statement alluding to what this song is actually about. The article said that it was the artists attempt at an apology for falling in love, dating, and eventually marrying her best friends ex-boyfriend. What is even more ironic after reading that article is that situation has actually happened to me, but when i hear this song, i'm not reminded of the person that did that at all. There is a different song that makes me think of her, and it is one that she gave to me as an apology. It's funny how songs mean something different to everyone, isn't it?
For what it's worth, and for what this song means to me and that long time best friend, I'm sure she'll understand what i mean, even if the lyrics say something else. That's just how we do...
Adia I do believe I failed you
Adia I know I let you down
Don’t you know I tried so hard
To love you in my way
It’s easy let it go...
Adia I’m empty since you left me
Trying to find a way to carry on
I search myself and everyone
To see where we went wrong
’cause there’s no one left to finger
There’s no one here to blame
There’s no one left to talk to, honey
And there ain’t no one to buy our innocence
’cause we are born innocent
Believe me adia, we are still innocent
It’s easy, we all falter
Does it matter?
Adia I thought that we could make it
But I know I can’t change the way you feel
I leave you with your misery
A friend who won’t betray
I pull you from your tower
I take away your pain
And show you all the beauty you possess
If you’d only let yourself believe that
We are born innocent
Believe me adia, we are still innocent
It’s easy, we all falter, does it matter?
Believe me adia, we are still innocent
’cause we are born innocent
Adia we are still innocent
It’s easy, we all falter ... but does it matter?
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
A Mash Up
This blog started as a sort of "reset" button from my last blog. I blogged fairly consistently between the age of 23-26 i think, and then i took a long break because everytime i'd go back to my blog site, I would end up reading past entries and it was during a really painful part of my life.
So i thought starting a new blog would be a good idea. Somewhere that i could be someone new. I find that this particular blogspace is sort of lonely. Not quite the community that my last one was, but perhaps that is my own fault of not reaching out more. I blog more consistently on facebook through the "notes" feature, but i tend to blog more there about fitness, nutrition, working out and my journey with all that. At one point i was posting that facebook blog on here as well...and then i just sort of stopped that and started using this blog again for "all those other thoughts."
But i guess, in a way - that is what a blog is for. Just whatever is going on for you in that moment. When you find a few minutes and you take hold of a thought and just have to write it down. Sometimes i wish i had a voice recorder on me at all times so i could hold on to an awesome phrase or thought i have while i'm walking to my car, or running. So many times i lose them before i have a moment to put them "on paper."
Today i'm thinking about how many rivers of thought i have going on in my mind right now. I'm thinking about teaching Turbo on Thursday and if people really like my class or not, I'm thinking about whether we're going to get our wedding favors delivered today and if i will like them. I'm thinking about the big project from the summer for work that is still not done. I'm thinking about my friends who also have a lot going on and how some of them are talking to me about it, and some of them arent...and i wonder what that means.
I'm also thinking about the next 10 pounds that i want to try and lose, and how i shouldn't really be too focused on it because i'm getting married in less than 3 weeks and i have enough to worry about. I'm also thinking about the 4 page wedding agenda i drafted yesterday and how much more i have left to do and how hard it is for me to let go of any of it and let someone else help me. Sometimes it's easier to do it yourself than to explain how to do it to someone else.
I'm thinking about how far away from God i feel sometimes, and i wonder if he misses me, too. And i wonder if he'll be as happy with who i've become as he was when i was so close to him growing up?
I'm thinking about the secrets that humans keep because we love each other. And i wonder if that's really all that healthy or just our way of not wanting to deal with other peoples opinions?
In the end - the title of this blog is perfect. My head is just like a big Mash Up right now - and i just needed to get a few spuds of it out so i could breathe a little. I'm feeling overwhelmed and at the same time, I feel nothing at all. Isn't that weird?
So i thought starting a new blog would be a good idea. Somewhere that i could be someone new. I find that this particular blogspace is sort of lonely. Not quite the community that my last one was, but perhaps that is my own fault of not reaching out more. I blog more consistently on facebook through the "notes" feature, but i tend to blog more there about fitness, nutrition, working out and my journey with all that. At one point i was posting that facebook blog on here as well...and then i just sort of stopped that and started using this blog again for "all those other thoughts."
But i guess, in a way - that is what a blog is for. Just whatever is going on for you in that moment. When you find a few minutes and you take hold of a thought and just have to write it down. Sometimes i wish i had a voice recorder on me at all times so i could hold on to an awesome phrase or thought i have while i'm walking to my car, or running. So many times i lose them before i have a moment to put them "on paper."
Today i'm thinking about how many rivers of thought i have going on in my mind right now. I'm thinking about teaching Turbo on Thursday and if people really like my class or not, I'm thinking about whether we're going to get our wedding favors delivered today and if i will like them. I'm thinking about the big project from the summer for work that is still not done. I'm thinking about my friends who also have a lot going on and how some of them are talking to me about it, and some of them arent...and i wonder what that means.
I'm also thinking about the next 10 pounds that i want to try and lose, and how i shouldn't really be too focused on it because i'm getting married in less than 3 weeks and i have enough to worry about. I'm also thinking about the 4 page wedding agenda i drafted yesterday and how much more i have left to do and how hard it is for me to let go of any of it and let someone else help me. Sometimes it's easier to do it yourself than to explain how to do it to someone else.
I'm thinking about how far away from God i feel sometimes, and i wonder if he misses me, too. And i wonder if he'll be as happy with who i've become as he was when i was so close to him growing up?
I'm thinking about the secrets that humans keep because we love each other. And i wonder if that's really all that healthy or just our way of not wanting to deal with other peoples opinions?
In the end - the title of this blog is perfect. My head is just like a big Mash Up right now - and i just needed to get a few spuds of it out so i could breathe a little. I'm feeling overwhelmed and at the same time, I feel nothing at all. Isn't that weird?
Monday, September 13, 2010
3 Weeks
I'm caught between "hurry up already" and "I'm not ready!"
It's not cold feet, I couldn't be more sure of my decision to get married to RJ. I am excited, and nervous, overwhelmed, stressed, ready, nervous...did i say excited?
Just a lot of emotions swirling around round now and more than anything, it's really hard to focus. At work i start on a project and immediately get lost in thought about some random detail for the wedding. Then that leads me to another thought, and then another, then i have to make a list so i don't forget for later and oh yah - I'm at work. So back to that project.
I know i'm not being a very good employee right now - my mind is elsewhere these days, and i have feeling it will get worse before it gets better! I had my bachelorette party this weekend and it was so good to see old friends that i haven't seen in awhile and friends from work, school, etc. We enjoyed a nice dinner out and then went uptown to dance and drink sugary drinks. It's been so long since i've danced at a club - it was actually pretty fun, but it's one of those "once every few years" sort of things because i'm just not much of a "go to the club and dance" people. But for the nature of the celebration - it was perfect.
In addition to the wedding, i am just looking forward to a week of vacation and just really being able to focus on the here and now instead of always planning for this distant event in the future. I'm ready for weekends to be filled with seeing friends, family and projects for the house instead of with the caterer, or making notes about "the wedding agenda."
It's a weird time, because you sort of start to lose your identity in a way. All of a sudden conversations really aren't about YOU anymore, it's just about the wedding. You in a context of the wedding. And even though as human beings we all enjoy talking about ourselves - i have to say that i'll be happy to stop talking about wedding planning! I'll be happy to recount how wonderful the day was once it's over, and dispense advice to those taking the plunge...but it will be nice when all the stress involved with planning a big event will be over with and in the past.
We've had a few family drama moments - but strangely enough, not on my side of the family! It will be interesting when my family and his family collide. It will probably be weird and strange. But hopefully i wont be too stressed out about making sure everyone feels included. I have a nasty habit of being totally stressed about how everyone else is feeling and i tend to not be able to enjoy myself at events. So i'm going to work hard to take a few deep breaths that day and realize that everyone is attending because they love me, love RJ and are there to celebrate our day and I should just enjoy it and not worry about other people the whole time!
Easier said than done! Well - send some good thoughts my way on finding focus for the next few weeks. I'll be glad when i have a few days off to just be focused and get everything accomplished!
It's not cold feet, I couldn't be more sure of my decision to get married to RJ. I am excited, and nervous, overwhelmed, stressed, ready, nervous...did i say excited?
Just a lot of emotions swirling around round now and more than anything, it's really hard to focus. At work i start on a project and immediately get lost in thought about some random detail for the wedding. Then that leads me to another thought, and then another, then i have to make a list so i don't forget for later and oh yah - I'm at work. So back to that project.
I know i'm not being a very good employee right now - my mind is elsewhere these days, and i have feeling it will get worse before it gets better! I had my bachelorette party this weekend and it was so good to see old friends that i haven't seen in awhile and friends from work, school, etc. We enjoyed a nice dinner out and then went uptown to dance and drink sugary drinks. It's been so long since i've danced at a club - it was actually pretty fun, but it's one of those "once every few years" sort of things because i'm just not much of a "go to the club and dance" people. But for the nature of the celebration - it was perfect.
In addition to the wedding, i am just looking forward to a week of vacation and just really being able to focus on the here and now instead of always planning for this distant event in the future. I'm ready for weekends to be filled with seeing friends, family and projects for the house instead of with the caterer, or making notes about "the wedding agenda."
It's a weird time, because you sort of start to lose your identity in a way. All of a sudden conversations really aren't about YOU anymore, it's just about the wedding. You in a context of the wedding. And even though as human beings we all enjoy talking about ourselves - i have to say that i'll be happy to stop talking about wedding planning! I'll be happy to recount how wonderful the day was once it's over, and dispense advice to those taking the plunge...but it will be nice when all the stress involved with planning a big event will be over with and in the past.
We've had a few family drama moments - but strangely enough, not on my side of the family! It will be interesting when my family and his family collide. It will probably be weird and strange. But hopefully i wont be too stressed out about making sure everyone feels included. I have a nasty habit of being totally stressed about how everyone else is feeling and i tend to not be able to enjoy myself at events. So i'm going to work hard to take a few deep breaths that day and realize that everyone is attending because they love me, love RJ and are there to celebrate our day and I should just enjoy it and not worry about other people the whole time!
Easier said than done! Well - send some good thoughts my way on finding focus for the next few weeks. I'll be glad when i have a few days off to just be focused and get everything accomplished!
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
a few thoughts on magic.
It felt like believing in magic. That's the best I can describe it. You know, falling in love for real. After falling in love and thinking it was real a few times before, I kept waiting for the hard truth to hit - the day you realize that you just thought it was love, but in reality - it was a case of the likes.
Then girl meets boy. He's nothing like she imagined. And yet, he's everything she needed. And boy meets girl and she's stubborn and tells him how it is. And for whatever reason - it works. They work.
And as one hang out session turns into an official dinner date, and a dinner date turns into spending time together after work everyday, and all of a sudden you aren't even thinking about dating anyone else and there is only him. And her. And it's magic because you never thought that could happen. Yet, right in front of your eyes, it is - love is happening.
He is sweet even though he denies it - she wears her heart on her sleeve even when she pretends she doesn't at first. They protect each other, brag on each other, and I's turn into We's and conversations about the future are all of a sudden inclusive and imagined together. It's magical because it feels like a fairy tale should. But it's real - love is happening.
And today - two people who found best friends in each other have also found love. And it's magical, because it feels so special even though it seems unlikely. Two people who found that just being honest and so blatantly themselves was the key to finally finding each other.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets boy. It's like magic, but love is happening. Right here, today.
Then girl meets boy. He's nothing like she imagined. And yet, he's everything she needed. And boy meets girl and she's stubborn and tells him how it is. And for whatever reason - it works. They work.
And as one hang out session turns into an official dinner date, and a dinner date turns into spending time together after work everyday, and all of a sudden you aren't even thinking about dating anyone else and there is only him. And her. And it's magic because you never thought that could happen. Yet, right in front of your eyes, it is - love is happening.
He is sweet even though he denies it - she wears her heart on her sleeve even when she pretends she doesn't at first. They protect each other, brag on each other, and I's turn into We's and conversations about the future are all of a sudden inclusive and imagined together. It's magical because it feels like a fairy tale should. But it's real - love is happening.
And today - two people who found best friends in each other have also found love. And it's magical, because it feels so special even though it seems unlikely. Two people who found that just being honest and so blatantly themselves was the key to finally finding each other.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets boy. It's like magic, but love is happening. Right here, today.
Monday, August 16, 2010
This one is for you. All of you.
Becoming an adult sort of happens upon you. It's not all at once, but a pile of events that start adding up. And as you deal with them, each time, you are a little more adult. Some of thees adult experiences can happen at a really young age...making us mature a little faster than the rest. It could be something as simple as becoming a leader at school or at church, or something more serious like losing a loved one.
Tiny little pieces of the puzzle coming together to create a bigger picture - one that looks like an adult if you look at it just right.
Some events are exciting, little getting your first or second career job. Buying a house. Adopting a puppy. Being asked to marry the person you love. Others are not so great - like learning that some people are total assholes (and that adults are assholes, too - not just middle schoolers like you hoped when you were 12). Learning that people around you may not be who they said they were. Figuring out you've been lied to, being stabbed in the back.
Good or bad, these events piling on top of each other forces the inner child out and starts making you feel more adult. I can't say i like it all the time. This weekend i have a variety of events happens to people around me and one actually happened to me and i just found myself thinking a million things.
After the first event, i found myself thinking about how blessed i was in my relationship because I finally met the right person. After the second event, i was thanking God that i still had my family members in my life - alive and well and i found myself getting a little teary eyed thinking about the day that i know will come - when my parents pass away. I can only hope that day is a long day from now. But i was thankful that God hasn't taken them from me yet. I am blessed.
The third event reminded me of the first event, and how terrible human beings can be to each other. Nasty words, criminal intentions, violence and no sense of remorse for some. I spent a lot of time thinking about my relationship now and how glad i was that i had gotten out of my last relationship which was not a good or happy situation. And i spent a lot of time feeling helpless and thinking about how words were never enough, and even though i could hug one person, i could only send letters in short sentences to the other - hoping and praying that a few of them would make it through the armor that is now there.
I see this armor in people all the time. But strange enough, I'm seeing it among people i'm closest to the most lately and i wonder: how did we get here? How did we become adults dealing with adult situations? And i want to hold them close to me and pull those bad memories away. Take away the pain and hurt and help them remember those good things about being an adult. But with every negative word, with those criminal intentions - violent or not, i see the armor solidify in front of me and i desperately put my hand on their hand praying that i can keep them here, on this side, with me. I don't want them to think it's too late. That they deserve less than they do, or that humans really are that terrible. I want to show them proof that they can take off that armor, and not be so frightened.
But it's hard after nights of violence. It's hard after harsh words and trust being broken, after believing someone is someone different - and seeing the harsh reality of that lie in front of them. It's hard for me to keep telling them it will be okay. Because right now, it's not okay. It's going to take awhile for it to be okay, and i want them to know i'll be holding their hands the whole time. Because i believe desperately that light will find them again, and they will want to take that heavy suit off, and try things again.
And after all this, my problem seems dumb. It seems trivial. And even though i'm having feelings of disappointment, anger and a general need to reiterate how right i've been all along - it just seems like a moot point. After all everyone else has been through, this is just a piece in my puzzle. The one that connects your head to your heart, you have to look closely. It's like an invisible line that connects every atom of your body to the next, and you can't break it. You can't change it's course.
It's a piece of you and it is your entire person. It's what makes this puzzle a picture, what holds it all together. And i realize that being angry doesn't change love. Being disappointed or wanting to say " i told you so" doesn't change love.
It's always there. And so there is forgiveness today. And sadness for those that i love that have been hurt in different ways. Those who's lives have been changed forever, in just a moment. Some in ways that no one will ever know. But i will. I do. And i'll carry the burden with them, my hand on theirs for as long as they want.
Tiny little pieces of the puzzle coming together to create a bigger picture - one that looks like an adult if you look at it just right.
Some events are exciting, little getting your first or second career job. Buying a house. Adopting a puppy. Being asked to marry the person you love. Others are not so great - like learning that some people are total assholes (and that adults are assholes, too - not just middle schoolers like you hoped when you were 12). Learning that people around you may not be who they said they were. Figuring out you've been lied to, being stabbed in the back.
Good or bad, these events piling on top of each other forces the inner child out and starts making you feel more adult. I can't say i like it all the time. This weekend i have a variety of events happens to people around me and one actually happened to me and i just found myself thinking a million things.
After the first event, i found myself thinking about how blessed i was in my relationship because I finally met the right person. After the second event, i was thanking God that i still had my family members in my life - alive and well and i found myself getting a little teary eyed thinking about the day that i know will come - when my parents pass away. I can only hope that day is a long day from now. But i was thankful that God hasn't taken them from me yet. I am blessed.
The third event reminded me of the first event, and how terrible human beings can be to each other. Nasty words, criminal intentions, violence and no sense of remorse for some. I spent a lot of time thinking about my relationship now and how glad i was that i had gotten out of my last relationship which was not a good or happy situation. And i spent a lot of time feeling helpless and thinking about how words were never enough, and even though i could hug one person, i could only send letters in short sentences to the other - hoping and praying that a few of them would make it through the armor that is now there.
I see this armor in people all the time. But strange enough, I'm seeing it among people i'm closest to the most lately and i wonder: how did we get here? How did we become adults dealing with adult situations? And i want to hold them close to me and pull those bad memories away. Take away the pain and hurt and help them remember those good things about being an adult. But with every negative word, with those criminal intentions - violent or not, i see the armor solidify in front of me and i desperately put my hand on their hand praying that i can keep them here, on this side, with me. I don't want them to think it's too late. That they deserve less than they do, or that humans really are that terrible. I want to show them proof that they can take off that armor, and not be so frightened.
But it's hard after nights of violence. It's hard after harsh words and trust being broken, after believing someone is someone different - and seeing the harsh reality of that lie in front of them. It's hard for me to keep telling them it will be okay. Because right now, it's not okay. It's going to take awhile for it to be okay, and i want them to know i'll be holding their hands the whole time. Because i believe desperately that light will find them again, and they will want to take that heavy suit off, and try things again.
And after all this, my problem seems dumb. It seems trivial. And even though i'm having feelings of disappointment, anger and a general need to reiterate how right i've been all along - it just seems like a moot point. After all everyone else has been through, this is just a piece in my puzzle. The one that connects your head to your heart, you have to look closely. It's like an invisible line that connects every atom of your body to the next, and you can't break it. You can't change it's course.
It's a piece of you and it is your entire person. It's what makes this puzzle a picture, what holds it all together. And i realize that being angry doesn't change love. Being disappointed or wanting to say " i told you so" doesn't change love.
It's always there. And so there is forgiveness today. And sadness for those that i love that have been hurt in different ways. Those who's lives have been changed forever, in just a moment. Some in ways that no one will ever know. But i will. I do. And i'll carry the burden with them, my hand on theirs for as long as they want.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Falling from Nowhere
It's oppressive, almost like a knife could cut through it. This feeling i have. But it's not always here, just sometimes when life starts feeling so heavy.
I'm almost 30 and sometimes i feel like my life isn't where i want it to be, and other times i feel so grateful that my life is what it is. I guess there are parts of my life that i'm extremely happy about...and others that my mind is changing about.
It's funny how people always think about what they want to "be" when they grow up. I think what i'm "being" is overrated right now. I think what i'm "being" is called underpaid sometimes, or really frustrating. And then, sometimes i'll get a feeling after i've truly helped someone and then it feels right. and good.
I know i'm just BEING dramatic, or tired. Or stressed out. About a million things and i can only name one every other day because i just can't find the words. People ask how they can help and i just don't have any way of letting people help me.
I remember in that little time capsule i made when i was all of 16 in highschool, when i stumbled upon it 13 years later the advice i gave to myself was "don't keep it all inside, remember to talk to people about it." I was thinking about those words of wisdom as i had to abruptly leave my office today to go outside for a walk because i felt like i was going to have a meltdown.
I felt the ball in the back of my throat - you know that feeling? The one that u convince yourself if you can swallow it back down that it will go away? God, that hurts. But it's worse to cry sometimes.
And by the time i've gone around the block once, I'm hot and my eyes aren't all watery anymore and I'm still not sure why i got so upset in the first place. That is all the more frustrating to me. That is BEING idiotic.
So i can't really name it. It's life that is stressing me out, mine in particular. Maybe i just figured i'd worry less about some things at this point in my life, or that i'd have more figured out. Turns out, sometimes i'm 16 again still trying to predict the future.
I'm almost 30 and sometimes i feel like my life isn't where i want it to be, and other times i feel so grateful that my life is what it is. I guess there are parts of my life that i'm extremely happy about...and others that my mind is changing about.
It's funny how people always think about what they want to "be" when they grow up. I think what i'm "being" is overrated right now. I think what i'm "being" is called underpaid sometimes, or really frustrating. And then, sometimes i'll get a feeling after i've truly helped someone and then it feels right. and good.
I know i'm just BEING dramatic, or tired. Or stressed out. About a million things and i can only name one every other day because i just can't find the words. People ask how they can help and i just don't have any way of letting people help me.
I remember in that little time capsule i made when i was all of 16 in highschool, when i stumbled upon it 13 years later the advice i gave to myself was "don't keep it all inside, remember to talk to people about it." I was thinking about those words of wisdom as i had to abruptly leave my office today to go outside for a walk because i felt like i was going to have a meltdown.
I felt the ball in the back of my throat - you know that feeling? The one that u convince yourself if you can swallow it back down that it will go away? God, that hurts. But it's worse to cry sometimes.
And by the time i've gone around the block once, I'm hot and my eyes aren't all watery anymore and I'm still not sure why i got so upset in the first place. That is all the more frustrating to me. That is BEING idiotic.
So i can't really name it. It's life that is stressing me out, mine in particular. Maybe i just figured i'd worry less about some things at this point in my life, or that i'd have more figured out. Turns out, sometimes i'm 16 again still trying to predict the future.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Summer Blues or Is It True?
I have that nagging feeling inside. I've been stifling it for a little while. I'm not sure, but maybe i get the summer time blues. Let me explain. So i'm loving that it's warm outside and i don't need a jacket or gloves. But when it's warm outside, I have to fight the fact that for the first 21 summers of my life - I didn't have to work full time in an office every day of the summer. So i sit here, my feet itching to just not be at work.
Then i start thinking about whether i like work or not. And if i don't - then what would i like? And am i on the right track? Am i truly fulfilled with my career? And if the answer is no - what does that mean for me?
Now, backtrack. In the same breath I'm reminding myself i feel like this every summer. I have tons of projects to do, but i can't find my focus and i start to feel bored. Not because i don't have anything to do, but because i don't want to do any of it. And once the Fall/Spring starts, i get so busy that i forget all of these feelings.
So what's real and what's not? Is there something more? On days like today - I truly just want to go home and sleep. Or go to the pool and just lay out on one of those floaty things. I can't remember the last time i did that. I have too much on my plate.
This is one thing i'm sure of...*sigh*
Then i start thinking about whether i like work or not. And if i don't - then what would i like? And am i on the right track? Am i truly fulfilled with my career? And if the answer is no - what does that mean for me?
Now, backtrack. In the same breath I'm reminding myself i feel like this every summer. I have tons of projects to do, but i can't find my focus and i start to feel bored. Not because i don't have anything to do, but because i don't want to do any of it. And once the Fall/Spring starts, i get so busy that i forget all of these feelings.
So what's real and what's not? Is there something more? On days like today - I truly just want to go home and sleep. Or go to the pool and just lay out on one of those floaty things. I can't remember the last time i did that. I have too much on my plate.
This is one thing i'm sure of...*sigh*
Monday, July 19, 2010
The Next Days Aren't So Far Afterall
If i were writing them - it might go something like this upon first try.
If someone were counting, it would be 75.
And at 15 that might have seemed like forever -
A summer time of waiting
But now it feels so close, like 75 might be day after tomorrow
The questions are the same, just from different people
Opinions from everyone, advice shelled out
I hear you
But behind all that buzzing conversation
I find myself clinging to one simple phrase
that i knew so long ago
the one that little girls practice
and teenagers swoon over before, during, and after a romantic movie
The part where i say "I do" and you do, too.
Pieces of marital advice, it's like people preparing you for the worst
And yet, this countdown feels like I'm ready to put that part behind me
And start a whole new chapter of firsts
I tried on the wedding band you had made for me with your mothers diamonds
and it felt like it should be on a prettier hand
but you told me that wasn't true in your own way
For the first time - I'm positive. There isn't a hesitation,
i know it's you and me. Forever. I Do.
aa
If someone were counting, it would be 75.
And at 15 that might have seemed like forever -
A summer time of waiting
But now it feels so close, like 75 might be day after tomorrow
The questions are the same, just from different people
Opinions from everyone, advice shelled out
I hear you
But behind all that buzzing conversation
I find myself clinging to one simple phrase
that i knew so long ago
the one that little girls practice
and teenagers swoon over before, during, and after a romantic movie
The part where i say "I do" and you do, too.
Pieces of marital advice, it's like people preparing you for the worst
And yet, this countdown feels like I'm ready to put that part behind me
And start a whole new chapter of firsts
I tried on the wedding band you had made for me with your mothers diamonds
and it felt like it should be on a prettier hand
but you told me that wasn't true in your own way
For the first time - I'm positive. There isn't a hesitation,
i know it's you and me. Forever. I Do.
aa
Monday, July 5, 2010
A little far out....
I know that i tend to just write about working out or inspirations for being healthier on this blog...at least lately. But I've been having this weird feeling lately. Like i'm becoming an outsider in what used to be my circle of friends.
Not that they don't love me. But i just feel far away. When i do get invited to things - i feel like they are talking about all these times when I wasn't invited. So i don't know what's going on. And i have this sort of out of body feeling where i'm looking down at myself and just feel like i'm floating up, up and away from what's happening right there in front of me.
I try not to be upset about it. I'm sure it's not on purpose. I'm sure they haven't stopped loving me. But sometimes i think they do forget about me. Is it because I'm getting married? Is it because I live a few more miles up the road? Do i never cross their minds when they are thinking who to invite over? I mean - in the past, it would be weird if i wasn't there. Like if all of them were, and i wasn't. They would text me and call me and say "dre - where are you?"
Because I was part of that group. And honestly, i just feel like I haven't done anything different and for whatever reason, they've just forgotten about me. I don't get called for brunch. I don't get called for the cookout party they are having.
Is it wrong to expect an invitation even if they think i can't come? I always try to invite people even if i know they might have other plans. Because i never want anyone to feel left out. Because i can tell you from experience - it's not a very nice feeling.
Are my life choices separating me from my old friends? Am i isolating myself somehow? Do they not think i'm as fun as i used to be? Have i said "no" too many times? Or is this all in my head?
*sigh* I guess on the other side of this, I've been hanging out with new friends, too. It's like this divide - couple friends, single friends. Not really that my single friends are single - but it's like, the people that i used to hang out with before just sort of on my own. And then the new people in my life that the FI and I hang out with as couples. NOt that we don't hang out with the "single" friends together. Because, there are other couples in that group, too.
*sigh* It doesn't really make any sense. Just feeling sort of lonely, even though I'm not really alone.
Not that they don't love me. But i just feel far away. When i do get invited to things - i feel like they are talking about all these times when I wasn't invited. So i don't know what's going on. And i have this sort of out of body feeling where i'm looking down at myself and just feel like i'm floating up, up and away from what's happening right there in front of me.
I try not to be upset about it. I'm sure it's not on purpose. I'm sure they haven't stopped loving me. But sometimes i think they do forget about me. Is it because I'm getting married? Is it because I live a few more miles up the road? Do i never cross their minds when they are thinking who to invite over? I mean - in the past, it would be weird if i wasn't there. Like if all of them were, and i wasn't. They would text me and call me and say "dre - where are you?"
Because I was part of that group. And honestly, i just feel like I haven't done anything different and for whatever reason, they've just forgotten about me. I don't get called for brunch. I don't get called for the cookout party they are having.
Is it wrong to expect an invitation even if they think i can't come? I always try to invite people even if i know they might have other plans. Because i never want anyone to feel left out. Because i can tell you from experience - it's not a very nice feeling.
Are my life choices separating me from my old friends? Am i isolating myself somehow? Do they not think i'm as fun as i used to be? Have i said "no" too many times? Or is this all in my head?
*sigh* I guess on the other side of this, I've been hanging out with new friends, too. It's like this divide - couple friends, single friends. Not really that my single friends are single - but it's like, the people that i used to hang out with before just sort of on my own. And then the new people in my life that the FI and I hang out with as couples. NOt that we don't hang out with the "single" friends together. Because, there are other couples in that group, too.
*sigh* It doesn't really make any sense. Just feeling sort of lonely, even though I'm not really alone.
Monday, May 31, 2010
All the reasons why....
There have been absolute downpours all day today. Rain hammering down on the pavement from the rooftop of the building next to my office. I couldn't even force myself to walk over to the gym at lunch time for my usual workout.
I knew a girl once in highschool that loved it when it rained. I never understood her. I still don't. I hate the rain. I obviously know why we need rain - but it just makes everything so much more difficult. And for me - it sucks the energy out of me. It makes me squint when i'm driving in it and my hands hurt because i grip the steering wheel to tight. The bottoms of my pants get wet because i like to wear flats and they touch the ground just a bit.
The freshly cut grass gets washed into puddles that I always seem to find in my flip flops. And the side of my car is always slightly dirty when i accidentally rub against it to get out.
So yes - i hate rain. And today has been difficult since everyone else i know with a few minor exceptions have today off. So coming to work, in the rain, to sit in the office while it's raining and trying to be productive = me writing a blog about not being productive because it's raining.
It's a sick cycle, i know.
In other news - my fiancé started his new job today. He is already excited about his first project. That makes me endlessly happy. After more than a year of him being miserable at work, him having a fun project and some creative freedom at a company that appreciates him is really amazing.
I'm about to jet-set off to Orlando for a work conference. I'm pretty excited to see some old friends (former co-workers) and to hopefully get reinvigorated about the summer projects i have to work on here.
I wish i had something more interesting to say. But i'm just sort of lazy sleepy right now. Honestly, i just yawned.
I knew a girl once in highschool that loved it when it rained. I never understood her. I still don't. I hate the rain. I obviously know why we need rain - but it just makes everything so much more difficult. And for me - it sucks the energy out of me. It makes me squint when i'm driving in it and my hands hurt because i grip the steering wheel to tight. The bottoms of my pants get wet because i like to wear flats and they touch the ground just a bit.
The freshly cut grass gets washed into puddles that I always seem to find in my flip flops. And the side of my car is always slightly dirty when i accidentally rub against it to get out.
So yes - i hate rain. And today has been difficult since everyone else i know with a few minor exceptions have today off. So coming to work, in the rain, to sit in the office while it's raining and trying to be productive = me writing a blog about not being productive because it's raining.
It's a sick cycle, i know.
In other news - my fiancé started his new job today. He is already excited about his first project. That makes me endlessly happy. After more than a year of him being miserable at work, him having a fun project and some creative freedom at a company that appreciates him is really amazing.
I'm about to jet-set off to Orlando for a work conference. I'm pretty excited to see some old friends (former co-workers) and to hopefully get reinvigorated about the summer projects i have to work on here.
I wish i had something more interesting to say. But i'm just sort of lazy sleepy right now. Honestly, i just yawned.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Time to Change
It's been warm weather lately and I finally found time to pull out my Rubbermaid bins of "summer clothes." The past 2 summers, I have opened up these bins and hung up about half the clothes stored in them because they didn't fit. It was depressing.
This last weekend as i started unfolding the clothes in the summer bin i decided i would try everything on again. Third time’s a charm - I finally can wear all my old clothes again! These clothes are the ones i bought when i had lost weight a few years back. The cute business capris from Ann Taylor and button up tops. Cute summer dresses and things with low cut backs. Man what a journey this has been.
Wow. I feel like I have a whole new wardrobe. Finally – I’m back on track and have a very tangible way of seeing it.
As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve always struggled with my weight. Losing weight the last time (which was about a year after college) seemed pretty easy because I was making such unhealthy choices before. Eating out all the time, buying cheap processed foods instead of cooking at home. So when I made changes to my diet and had a job that required me to be “on the go” for 12 hours at a time (I was a waitress) – I lost 25 pounds with relative ease.
When I gained the weight back (and then some) several years later – it felt like it happened overnight. But the truth is – weight gain doesn’t happen overnight. It happens when you are consistently making bad choices in your diet and your ignoring the need for consistent exercise in your life. Looking back, I remember putting on my pants and thinking they felt tighter. I remember deciding to grab something to eat “on the go” instead of bringing my lunch from home or cooking in the evening. I remember choosing chicken fingers and French fries and ranch dressing instead of a salad. It’s easy to ignore at first. Then you see a picture and you wonder when your arms starting looking so flabby or if you always had that double chin.
I know it because I’ve experienced it. I know what fat feels like. I know what losing weight and gaining it back feels like. I know what eating because you are stressed is like – and I understand how hard it is to change your habits so that things are different for you.
But most importantly, I also know what DOING something about it feels like. And it’s a choice you make. And you will make that choice all day long every day. The choice to get up and move, to meet friends for a walk instead of drinks, to try a restaurant with healthy choices vs something quick, a choice to change your order from a extra large mocha with whip to a cup of coffee with some skim milk or low fat creamer in it.
Ultimately – the choice is yours. And only you can take ownership of your life and your body. It’s your health – and if you want things to be different, you have to start acting differently. Your choices must change.
If you want to buy new clothes or fit into your old clothes (like I did) – then what are you changing about your life to get there?
I’ve lost some weight. I’ve met some of my goals. But I’m not done yet. I still have to KEEP making changes to my lifestyle to attain my long term goals. But it’s worth it. I’m worth it. Fitting into clothes that I’ve longingly looked at and continued to try on and not be able to button or zip up for 2 years is a HUGE milestone for me. And being able to do that made me go through my entire closet and get rid of everything that was too big for me now. What a change from last summer!
So for me – in order to move forward I have to learn to let go. On this journey – I’m not making any U Turns. And the only destination I have is something that is ahead – not behind me. So this weekend, I put all my clothes that were too big into a pile to take to Goodwill. I’m not going back. I will not wear those clothes again and there is absolutely NO reason to keep them around because that means that I don’t believe in myself and my ability to change my life forever.
I don’t know where you are on your journey. But if you are going to start moving forward (even if you’ve been spinning in circles for awhile) – you have to change something. That may mean letting go of something. That may mean adding something to your lifestyle. I can’t tell you that part – because you are in the driver’s seat and only you know what will get the car rolling again down your path.
But take control. DO something. Because just like gaining weight – LOSING weight and becoming more healthy doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a series of good choices you make that will take you where you need to go. And one day you WILL wake up and fit into those jeans or that dress again. And you’ll look back and say – “Man what a journey to get here” and you will be stronger, leaner, happier, and healthier than ever before.
Won’t that be worth it? And aren’t YOU worth it?
Tell me about your journey. Join me at http://teambeachbody.com/theotherdre and let me help you get to where you are going.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Blasting Through to Unchartered Territory
I'm here to tell you that it's possible. "What's possible?" you may ask.
Anything.
Why? Because I'm living proof of it. And you can join me at any time. Let me tell you how.
Have a goal. Have you written it down? Are you committed to it? I use a Bodybugg and the online subscription program to help me keep track of my food intake and it tracks how many calories i'm burning each day so its a constant reminder of when i need to be pushing myself harder.
You may think that seems a little extreme - but I'm meeting my goals - are you meeting yours?
Today was my first goal date. 12 weeks ago i set out to lose 12 pounds. Now this was in addition to the 15 i'd already lost. But i needed to focus and setting a goal date and a goal loss was important for me to keep my focus. I set up my goal as 1 pound a week. Stop trying to pretend like you are on Biggest Loser! Unless your full time job is to work out and cook for yourself - you aren't going to have 10 pound weight loss weeks. Anywhere from 1/4-2 pounds of weight loss a week is considered healthy. You might have some big loss weeks along the way - that's great. Just don't set your goal as 4 pounds a week or something - that's not realistic.
So today i hit my 12 pound weight loss goal. And guess what? Today i came up with a new 12 week plan - and you guessed it. My goal is another 12 pounds. 12 pounds from my weight today puts me in what i like to call my "uncharted territory." This is a weight that i don't remember being in my adult life. So I'm excited and nervous. BUT i'm also focused on my goal. I wrote it down. It's in my calendar.
AND i have a plan.
So that's #2. Have a plan.
You following me?
#1: Think about a goal and then WRITE it down.
#2. Have a plan to get you there.
Here's my plan:
Continue my cardio workouts - this is MAINLY TurboKick ( TurboJam for those who like to work out at home - you can buy it from me if you are interested on my website or ask for details!),
Keep pushing through my weight lifting routine with ChaLEAN Extreme (again - this is a BeachBody product and i can tell you more if you are interested in this or something similar)
Incorporate Shakeology into my daily meals. I've used Shakeology before, but I wasn't consistent. So this week i started replacing one meal (breakfast) with Shakeology. I ended up losing 3.6 pound this week - and Shakeology was the thing i added, so i'm feeling good about it! Shakeology comes in chocolate or greenberry - and its a powder and you can mix it with water, milk (i use soy milk) and fruit or yogurt (i use half a banana and a tbsp of greek yogurt) and it's like a shake. Having a sweet tooth - I'm all over a chocolate shake in the morning. I just blend it and take it with me on the way to work.
Delicious, nutritious (it's the equivalent of going to the salad bar like 5 times in one drink!) and easy. Let me know if you want details. I have some samples coming in the mail in the next week if you'd like to try it!
And lastly, i'm going to stay with my preplanned meals. If you need ideas for how to shop and pre-plan and cook all your meal - check out my earlier "notes" on facebook for full details and ideas!
So - now i have a goal, i'm committed to it and i have a game plan.
My last piece of advice would be to tell someone about your goal and tell them your game plan. Why? Because it's human nature to want to fulfill what we've said outloud. It's easy to pretend like today "really wasn't my goal date" if i didn't hit my weight loss goal. But because i wrote it down, and i shared this with so many people - i felt committed to making sure i did everything i could to get here. Sharing it with your friends, family - or if you are like me THE WORLD via facebook - helps me stay on track.
I'm happy to listen to your goals and your game plan. Even if you just need to talk out your ideas, get some help on how to get there, or just someone to report your progress too. I know that I'm much more effective when I am helping other people. So helping you helps me stay on track.
Connect with me on Facebook or let me be your Beachbody coach by signing up with me (it's free - no worries) at my coach website.
Remember - SET YOUR GOAL! Commit to it. Write out your GAME PLAN. Share it.
Pretty soon you'll be achieving the impossible and exploring your uncharted territory as well. Believe it!
Anything.
Why? Because I'm living proof of it. And you can join me at any time. Let me tell you how.
Have a goal. Have you written it down? Are you committed to it? I use a Bodybugg and the online subscription program to help me keep track of my food intake and it tracks how many calories i'm burning each day so its a constant reminder of when i need to be pushing myself harder.
You may think that seems a little extreme - but I'm meeting my goals - are you meeting yours?
Today was my first goal date. 12 weeks ago i set out to lose 12 pounds. Now this was in addition to the 15 i'd already lost. But i needed to focus and setting a goal date and a goal loss was important for me to keep my focus. I set up my goal as 1 pound a week. Stop trying to pretend like you are on Biggest Loser! Unless your full time job is to work out and cook for yourself - you aren't going to have 10 pound weight loss weeks. Anywhere from 1/4-2 pounds of weight loss a week is considered healthy. You might have some big loss weeks along the way - that's great. Just don't set your goal as 4 pounds a week or something - that's not realistic.
So today i hit my 12 pound weight loss goal. And guess what? Today i came up with a new 12 week plan - and you guessed it. My goal is another 12 pounds. 12 pounds from my weight today puts me in what i like to call my "uncharted territory." This is a weight that i don't remember being in my adult life. So I'm excited and nervous. BUT i'm also focused on my goal. I wrote it down. It's in my calendar.
AND i have a plan.
So that's #2. Have a plan.
You following me?
#1: Think about a goal and then WRITE it down.
#2. Have a plan to get you there.
Here's my plan:
Continue my cardio workouts - this is MAINLY TurboKick ( TurboJam for those who like to work out at home - you can buy it from me if you are interested on my website or ask for details!),
Keep pushing through my weight lifting routine with ChaLEAN Extreme (again - this is a BeachBody product and i can tell you more if you are interested in this or something similar)
Incorporate Shakeology into my daily meals. I've used Shakeology before, but I wasn't consistent. So this week i started replacing one meal (breakfast) with Shakeology. I ended up losing 3.6 pound this week - and Shakeology was the thing i added, so i'm feeling good about it! Shakeology comes in chocolate or greenberry - and its a powder and you can mix it with water, milk (i use soy milk) and fruit or yogurt (i use half a banana and a tbsp of greek yogurt) and it's like a shake. Having a sweet tooth - I'm all over a chocolate shake in the morning. I just blend it and take it with me on the way to work.
Delicious, nutritious (it's the equivalent of going to the salad bar like 5 times in one drink!) and easy. Let me know if you want details. I have some samples coming in the mail in the next week if you'd like to try it!
And lastly, i'm going to stay with my preplanned meals. If you need ideas for how to shop and pre-plan and cook all your meal - check out my earlier "notes" on facebook for full details and ideas!
So - now i have a goal, i'm committed to it and i have a game plan.
My last piece of advice would be to tell someone about your goal and tell them your game plan. Why? Because it's human nature to want to fulfill what we've said outloud. It's easy to pretend like today "really wasn't my goal date" if i didn't hit my weight loss goal. But because i wrote it down, and i shared this with so many people - i felt committed to making sure i did everything i could to get here. Sharing it with your friends, family - or if you are like me THE WORLD via facebook - helps me stay on track.
I'm happy to listen to your goals and your game plan. Even if you just need to talk out your ideas, get some help on how to get there, or just someone to report your progress too. I know that I'm much more effective when I am helping other people. So helping you helps me stay on track.
Connect with me on Facebook or let me be your Beachbody coach by signing up with me (it's free - no worries) at my coach website.
Remember - SET YOUR GOAL! Commit to it. Write out your GAME PLAN. Share it.
Pretty soon you'll be achieving the impossible and exploring your uncharted territory as well. Believe it!
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Make a Decision that Will Change Your Life
Okay fellow readers, sorry for the delay. I'm sure your life gets crazy, too - right?
I wanted to share an exiting announcement in this weeks addition of my Fitness Journey Blog. But don't worry - it's relevant, and hopefully offers a little more assistance for those you who have been asking for tips, encouragement, etc. I definitely want to help!
So here goes - I now have an official website: Check it out!
As many of you know – this past year or so I’ve been spending more time in the gym, “working on my fitness” (as Fergie says) and in general, trying to lose weight and get fit. I’ve changed what I eat, how I eat and have continually become more involved with group exercise so that I can become stronger and healthier. Perhaps you have been following this Fitness Journey Blog here or via Facebook where I've been reflecting on what works, tips and providing encouragement each week for my readers! Check out my past blogs!
I have lost almost 30 pounds on this journey so far, and I’m not done yet! I certainly haven’t gotten to this place alone – there have been so many great people serving as motivators along my path - including each of you who have been reading! I’ve also found amazing workouts that really help me stay on track and get the most “bang for my buck.” I found the courage to became a Certified TurboKick instructor – and have been teaching 1-2 classes a week at my gym. I can’t believe that I’m teaching a group exercise class – it sounds like a different person has taken over my body! You know - my whole life, I always looked for a magic product to make me “thin” – but I grew tired of sitting around and waiting for something magical to happen. I realized that you have to work hard for your fitness goals just like you do your other dreams and goals in life!
So it dawned on me – why am I not incorporating this new passion for fitness into my long term goals?
I did something about that and I am now an Independent Beach Body Coach – so I’ve literally combined my career goals and my fitness goals into one job! I’m sharing this with you because I want to help if you have fitness related goals or questions. Whether your goal is to lose some weight, put on muscle, increase your endurance, flexibility or you are just looking for protein powder or healthy meal replacements – I can help! I can make recommendations for you based on your needs and interests and I also am a distributor of all BeachBody products - so you can actually HAVE the tools in your hands to start making progress on your fitness journey.
Since I’ve achieved success using BeachBody products like Turbo Jam (that’s the home version of TurboKick which I now instruct!), ChaLEAN Extreme, and Shakeology – I feel 100% confident that BeachBody offers quality products that can deliver results if you are serious about your goals! If you are interested at all in becoming healthier or just want to shake up your current workout a bit – I would love to be your fitness coach and help you make the best decisions for your fitness goals.
Check out my website to see all the products BeachBody has to offer, see my before and after pictures and read about my transformation story: Dre's Story
Team BeachBody has great web resources and it’s free to create a profile and it’s free for me to be your coach! You can use Team BeachBody to log your workouts to help create accountability and start your own transformation story! Add me as your Coach so I can keep up with you! You can select me by going to my website and choosing “Join Team BeachBody!” Scroll all the way to the bottom and select the free membership. A few simple steps later and you’ll be all set and I’ll be your Coach! There are no obligations when you sign up – I just want to help you on your journey, no matter where you are starting.
Some of the most popular Beachbody products are:
P90X with Tony Horton
TurboJam with Chalene Johnson (a personal fav of mine!)
Slim in 6
Insanity with Shaun T
Brazil Butt Lift with Leandro Carvalho (oooh la la!!)
10 Minute Trainer with Tony Horton
Hip Hop Abs with Shaun T
Check out Shakeology as well, it’s a personal fav! It’s a great new product that’s like going to the salad bar and filling your plate 5 times with veggies and fruit! I love it and am currently drinking it for breakfast every morning – no more horse pill multivitamins for me! :)
Let me know how I can help you on your own fitness journey - you are NOT alone! Check out my site and let me know what questions you have about any of BeachBody’s products – and I’m also happy to help you set your goals as well. Everyone starts in a unique place, but the important thing is to JUST KEEP MOVING!
Sincerely,
Dre
Independent BeachBody Coach
teambeachbody.com/theotherdre
Follow me on Twitter: TheOtherDRE
Email me: theotherdre@beachbodycoach.com
I wanted to share an exiting announcement in this weeks addition of my Fitness Journey Blog. But don't worry - it's relevant, and hopefully offers a little more assistance for those you who have been asking for tips, encouragement, etc. I definitely want to help!
So here goes - I now have an official website: Check it out!
As many of you know – this past year or so I’ve been spending more time in the gym, “working on my fitness” (as Fergie says) and in general, trying to lose weight and get fit. I’ve changed what I eat, how I eat and have continually become more involved with group exercise so that I can become stronger and healthier. Perhaps you have been following this Fitness Journey Blog here or via Facebook where I've been reflecting on what works, tips and providing encouragement each week for my readers! Check out my past blogs!
I have lost almost 30 pounds on this journey so far, and I’m not done yet! I certainly haven’t gotten to this place alone – there have been so many great people serving as motivators along my path - including each of you who have been reading! I’ve also found amazing workouts that really help me stay on track and get the most “bang for my buck.” I found the courage to became a Certified TurboKick instructor – and have been teaching 1-2 classes a week at my gym. I can’t believe that I’m teaching a group exercise class – it sounds like a different person has taken over my body! You know - my whole life, I always looked for a magic product to make me “thin” – but I grew tired of sitting around and waiting for something magical to happen. I realized that you have to work hard for your fitness goals just like you do your other dreams and goals in life!
So it dawned on me – why am I not incorporating this new passion for fitness into my long term goals?
I did something about that and I am now an Independent Beach Body Coach – so I’ve literally combined my career goals and my fitness goals into one job! I’m sharing this with you because I want to help if you have fitness related goals or questions. Whether your goal is to lose some weight, put on muscle, increase your endurance, flexibility or you are just looking for protein powder or healthy meal replacements – I can help! I can make recommendations for you based on your needs and interests and I also am a distributor of all BeachBody products - so you can actually HAVE the tools in your hands to start making progress on your fitness journey.
Since I’ve achieved success using BeachBody products like Turbo Jam (that’s the home version of TurboKick which I now instruct!), ChaLEAN Extreme, and Shakeology – I feel 100% confident that BeachBody offers quality products that can deliver results if you are serious about your goals! If you are interested at all in becoming healthier or just want to shake up your current workout a bit – I would love to be your fitness coach and help you make the best decisions for your fitness goals.
Check out my website to see all the products BeachBody has to offer, see my before and after pictures and read about my transformation story: Dre's Story
Team BeachBody has great web resources and it’s free to create a profile and it’s free for me to be your coach! You can use Team BeachBody to log your workouts to help create accountability and start your own transformation story! Add me as your Coach so I can keep up with you! You can select me by going to my website and choosing “Join Team BeachBody!” Scroll all the way to the bottom and select the free membership. A few simple steps later and you’ll be all set and I’ll be your Coach! There are no obligations when you sign up – I just want to help you on your journey, no matter where you are starting.
Some of the most popular Beachbody products are:
P90X with Tony Horton
TurboJam with Chalene Johnson (a personal fav of mine!)
Slim in 6
Insanity with Shaun T
Brazil Butt Lift with Leandro Carvalho (oooh la la!!)
10 Minute Trainer with Tony Horton
Hip Hop Abs with Shaun T
Check out Shakeology as well, it’s a personal fav! It’s a great new product that’s like going to the salad bar and filling your plate 5 times with veggies and fruit! I love it and am currently drinking it for breakfast every morning – no more horse pill multivitamins for me! :)
Let me know how I can help you on your own fitness journey - you are NOT alone! Check out my site and let me know what questions you have about any of BeachBody’s products – and I’m also happy to help you set your goals as well. Everyone starts in a unique place, but the important thing is to JUST KEEP MOVING!
Sincerely,
Dre
Independent BeachBody Coach
teambeachbody.com/theother
Follow me on Twitter: TheOtherDRE
Email me: theotherdre@beachbodycoach.com
Send me a message on Facebook: Andrea Alford
My fitness journey is in PROGRESS - how about yours?
My fitness journey is in PROGRESS - how about yours?
Thursday, March 18, 2010
The No-Buts-About-it-In-Your-Face Partner
If this week had a cheesy theme it'd be "Dre Goes Solo." Or "Dre & The Workout: Mono y Mono." (and i have no idea if i'm spelling that right.)
This week is spring break at the university where i work - so that means that the campus totally empties out and while my office was open Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday - we fortunately had today off and will have tomorrow off as well. I was looking forward to some time to catch up on projects, get a jump start on some upcoming presentations, etc. But what i hadn't really geared myself up for is that all of my accountability partners were somewhere else this week.
So no one down the hall asking me if i'm ready to hit the gym, or to recount to me what she ate yesterday and how she felt about it. No tweets from the next building with "pump you up" messages to help me mentally prepare for a solid healthy day. In fact, on Monday i so totally caved that i went out to eat with a co-worker and ordered something i would never order. I just hadn't mentally prepared myself to go it "alone."
But I trotted my solo buns over to the gym on Monday and I went to the same room where we usually do turbo and I put my cd in and did Round 39 all by myself. It's amazing how much easier it is when i'm not calling out cues the whole time! :) And then I came home and walked my puppy. That made me feel a LITTLE less terrible about my unfortunate eating decision for lunch.
On Tuesday, I had an evening meeting after work so i knew i had to incorporate working out into my day. I challenged myself to burn at least 300 calories as i didn't have a full hour to give to my workout since i had to get ready to go back into the office. I was pleased with my performance on el elliptical and knocked out almost 400 calories in about 40 minutes. I found the calorie burn challenge more appealing because it wasn't tied to a timer/count down - i was just pushing hard to burn calories. Gotta love my BodyBugg for helping me know EXACTLY how many calories i'm burning all the time.
Even after working out at lunch - I knew I still had ChaLEAN Extreme to complete after my evening meeting. I ended up sitting on the couch with my puppy watching a show until about 10pm and I got fed up with myself being lazy and forced myself to get OFF the couch and finish my workout for the day.
The whole week has been a struggle to motivate myself to work out. But i find it interesting at the same time to know what motivates me. Now, more than ever, I know i need the constant support of my accountability partners to keep me on track. I'm proud of myself for completing the workouts and hitting my calorie burn this week w/out their help - because in the end, we DO have to rely on ourselves to meet our goals.
But I have to recommend something, because i realized JUST how helpful it can be this week - find someone who will be on your team! It could be someone who has similar goals to you - whether it's to lose weight, gain muscle, look good in a two piece, run a marathon - whatever. Or it could be someone who inspires you because of their commitment. I sort of "cheat" and have several accountability partners. People who can relate to what i'm going through - but we are all on different paths in terms of our goals. It just so happened that this week - all of them were out of town! I'll have to ask them to rearrange their schedules and work around my health needs next time ;)
And do yourself a favor - believe me on this. Find someone who really truly is in this to win this. It does you NO good to have an accountability partner who will constantly listen/put up with your excuses, or someone who is always giving you excuses about not showing up, not eating right or sticking to the plan. Sure - we all mess up because um, we are human. But choose your partner/team carefully and make sure that you surround yourself with people who can cheer you on, cheer you up, tell you the truth, push you when you are done, and listen to you when you just need to talk it out before you work it out.
This means that maybe it's not your spouse, boyfriend, roommate or best friend who can be your accountability partner. Because sometimes we are TOO comfortable with these people and you let each other off the hook too easily. Or maybe these people are perfect for you because they know you so well and can call you on your bullcrap when no one else will. I can't tell you who to pick - but you have to find someone who creates a positive environment for themselves already - someone who is just as passionate about their goals as you are yours.
One great way to do this is by finding something that you love to do - and then get to know the people who are showing up for the same things! Chances are, you might already have a lot in common. So next time you go for a walk in your neighborhood - pay attention to who you always see. Or perhaps you are a treadmill rat - if you are like me, i'm a creature of habit so i always go to the same one. Or if you love group exercise, it's easy to spot the regulars (they are the ones who give you a weird look if you are in their spot - or is that just me?)
As usual - this whole thing is a journey and i'm still learning "stuff" about myself in this process. I always thought i was pretty independent, but apparently a little bit of support goes a long way for me. Another lesson learned is to mentally prepare for when i know i'm going to "be on my own" so i don't slack off. It's hard to stay on track for even the strongest and most dedicated person, but as i said last week ANY time spent on you is better than zero time. So make every moment count (and then find a partner who won't leave you hanging on that high five after you workout).
This week is spring break at the university where i work - so that means that the campus totally empties out and while my office was open Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday - we fortunately had today off and will have tomorrow off as well. I was looking forward to some time to catch up on projects, get a jump start on some upcoming presentations, etc. But what i hadn't really geared myself up for is that all of my accountability partners were somewhere else this week.
So no one down the hall asking me if i'm ready to hit the gym, or to recount to me what she ate yesterday and how she felt about it. No tweets from the next building with "pump you up" messages to help me mentally prepare for a solid healthy day. In fact, on Monday i so totally caved that i went out to eat with a co-worker and ordered something i would never order. I just hadn't mentally prepared myself to go it "alone."
But I trotted my solo buns over to the gym on Monday and I went to the same room where we usually do turbo and I put my cd in and did Round 39 all by myself. It's amazing how much easier it is when i'm not calling out cues the whole time! :) And then I came home and walked my puppy. That made me feel a LITTLE less terrible about my unfortunate eating decision for lunch.
On Tuesday, I had an evening meeting after work so i knew i had to incorporate working out into my day. I challenged myself to burn at least 300 calories as i didn't have a full hour to give to my workout since i had to get ready to go back into the office. I was pleased with my performance on el elliptical and knocked out almost 400 calories in about 40 minutes. I found the calorie burn challenge more appealing because it wasn't tied to a timer/count down - i was just pushing hard to burn calories. Gotta love my BodyBugg for helping me know EXACTLY how many calories i'm burning all the time.
Even after working out at lunch - I knew I still had ChaLEAN Extreme to complete after my evening meeting. I ended up sitting on the couch with my puppy watching a show until about 10pm and I got fed up with myself being lazy and forced myself to get OFF the couch and finish my workout for the day.
The whole week has been a struggle to motivate myself to work out. But i find it interesting at the same time to know what motivates me. Now, more than ever, I know i need the constant support of my accountability partners to keep me on track. I'm proud of myself for completing the workouts and hitting my calorie burn this week w/out their help - because in the end, we DO have to rely on ourselves to meet our goals.
But I have to recommend something, because i realized JUST how helpful it can be this week - find someone who will be on your team! It could be someone who has similar goals to you - whether it's to lose weight, gain muscle, look good in a two piece, run a marathon - whatever. Or it could be someone who inspires you because of their commitment. I sort of "cheat" and have several accountability partners. People who can relate to what i'm going through - but we are all on different paths in terms of our goals. It just so happened that this week - all of them were out of town! I'll have to ask them to rearrange their schedules and work around my health needs next time ;)
And do yourself a favor - believe me on this. Find someone who really truly is in this to win this. It does you NO good to have an accountability partner who will constantly listen/put up with your excuses, or someone who is always giving you excuses about not showing up, not eating right or sticking to the plan. Sure - we all mess up because um, we are human. But choose your partner/team carefully and make sure that you surround yourself with people who can cheer you on, cheer you up, tell you the truth, push you when you are done, and listen to you when you just need to talk it out before you work it out.
This means that maybe it's not your spouse, boyfriend, roommate or best friend who can be your accountability partner. Because sometimes we are TOO comfortable with these people and you let each other off the hook too easily. Or maybe these people are perfect for you because they know you so well and can call you on your bullcrap when no one else will. I can't tell you who to pick - but you have to find someone who creates a positive environment for themselves already - someone who is just as passionate about their goals as you are yours.
One great way to do this is by finding something that you love to do - and then get to know the people who are showing up for the same things! Chances are, you might already have a lot in common. So next time you go for a walk in your neighborhood - pay attention to who you always see. Or perhaps you are a treadmill rat - if you are like me, i'm a creature of habit so i always go to the same one. Or if you love group exercise, it's easy to spot the regulars (they are the ones who give you a weird look if you are in their spot - or is that just me?)
As usual - this whole thing is a journey and i'm still learning "stuff" about myself in this process. I always thought i was pretty independent, but apparently a little bit of support goes a long way for me. Another lesson learned is to mentally prepare for when i know i'm going to "be on my own" so i don't slack off. It's hard to stay on track for even the strongest and most dedicated person, but as i said last week ANY time spent on you is better than zero time. So make every moment count (and then find a partner who won't leave you hanging on that high five after you workout).
Friday, March 12, 2010
Points In Your Corner
I've had one of those weeks that I'd label as "not my normal week." I didn't hit my calorie burn every single day which is not the norm for me. I didn't get to eat all my prepared meals for lunch which is not the norm for me. And i felt really tired this week which - you guessed it - is not the norm for me.
I also didn't get to write this post yesterday - which is not the norm for me. But last night, after i finished team teaching TurboKick, i literally had sweat dripping off me onto the gym floor and i thought to myself - I couldn't have pushed any harder tonight than i did. And i felt good about my workout. And i envisioned this last week being a boxing match and hearing the bell ding in my corner: Point for Dre.
It's at the end of these extra challenging weeks that i have to remind myself to re-focus. Notice the little things again to keep my goals on track.
So I've been doing ChaLEAN Extreme everyday - and I've noticed some changes happening. For those of you who aren't familiar with the program - it's a extreme circuit training program - dvds so you can do the weightlifting and cardio at home. I'm doing this in addition to my normal work outs (minus the weightlifting - CE is enough weights for me!).
When i started this program 3 weeks ago - we had to do pushups. I hate push ups. Chalene on the video always saysbefore we do them: "If you hate pushups, it's because you don't do pushups." So one of my goals is to love pushups by the end of this adventure. I have to say that i'm really wimpy when it comes to arm strength - so big girl pushups are a challenge. But I've noticed a small change this last week - and guess what? My push ups aren't QUITE as wimpy as they were 2 weeks ago and i may be able to try a few big girl pushups (not on my knees) next week. It's the small things, right?
So Fridays are my weigh in day - and after a week of not the norm - I was more than a little nervous about facing the scale today. I told my fiance last night to "think thin thoughts" for me. I woke up dreading the scale. I hate mornings like this. I often find myself looking forward to get on the scale because I believe i've worked hard enough to see a result I'll be happy with.
Today I lost .2 pounds. So it wasn't a big win. Then i remembered my own advice and took the time to measure today. I actually lost an inch from my waist, bust and arm. That's right. Another point for Dre and let's call it: Progress.
I often have to remind myself to follow my own advice - to remember that there are many ways to "win" this battle and every week winning looks and feels a little bit different.
Today i'm focused on the tiny changes creeping up on me.
Small wins:
A stronger push up (point for Dre)
Lifting heavier weights for the row exercise in burn circuit 2 for Chalean Extreme. (ding ding - another point)
Teaching my first full hour of Turbo Kick solo. And you know what? I made it. I didn't wimp out - i didn't lose my way and i remembered to smile and look up. (triple points for Dre)
Losing inches means my clothes fit better than they did a month ago. And overall - I feel good that each week i'm making strides (no matter how small) to be the better version of me that i have envisioned for myself. (ding, ding, ding!)
This is so important! It will always be a challenge to keep that vision of a better you within reach. Often times we lose sight of our goals when things get busy, or something else starts taking priority. But even during the hardest weeks to stay on track - you have to promise yourself to give it all you've got. Even if it's 20 minutes less than usual - or the weights aren't as heavy as they could be. Some effort is better than no effort at all and you HAVE to really embrace that to stick to your goals long term. If things get busy with family, work, friends - still make an effort - even if its small to work toward your vision of a better you. Don't have time to do an hour of cardio? Well, you have 10 minutes to run, right? Remember - something is better than nothing. And you are worth it.
Make a list of the little things that keep you going - keep stock of them and continue to add to the list. Seriously - write it down. If you don't have a clear vision in your mind of who you are becoming, then i challenge you to really take some time to see it. And find a way to hold onto it at all times. Sometimes my vision gets a little blurry - and I'm glad in those moments that i wrote it down, that i told my best friends and they are able to make things clear again. And this helps me keep going, even when it's tough.
Ding! It's a knockout.
I also didn't get to write this post yesterday - which is not the norm for me. But last night, after i finished team teaching TurboKick, i literally had sweat dripping off me onto the gym floor and i thought to myself - I couldn't have pushed any harder tonight than i did. And i felt good about my workout. And i envisioned this last week being a boxing match and hearing the bell ding in my corner: Point for Dre.
It's at the end of these extra challenging weeks that i have to remind myself to re-focus. Notice the little things again to keep my goals on track.
So I've been doing ChaLEAN Extreme everyday - and I've noticed some changes happening. For those of you who aren't familiar with the program - it's a extreme circuit training program - dvds so you can do the weightlifting and cardio at home. I'm doing this in addition to my normal work outs (minus the weightlifting - CE is enough weights for me!).
When i started this program 3 weeks ago - we had to do pushups. I hate push ups. Chalene on the video always saysbefore we do them: "If you hate pushups, it's because you don't do pushups." So one of my goals is to love pushups by the end of this adventure. I have to say that i'm really wimpy when it comes to arm strength - so big girl pushups are a challenge. But I've noticed a small change this last week - and guess what? My push ups aren't QUITE as wimpy as they were 2 weeks ago and i may be able to try a few big girl pushups (not on my knees) next week. It's the small things, right?
So Fridays are my weigh in day - and after a week of not the norm - I was more than a little nervous about facing the scale today. I told my fiance last night to "think thin thoughts" for me. I woke up dreading the scale. I hate mornings like this. I often find myself looking forward to get on the scale because I believe i've worked hard enough to see a result I'll be happy with.
Today I lost .2 pounds. So it wasn't a big win. Then i remembered my own advice and took the time to measure today. I actually lost an inch from my waist, bust and arm. That's right. Another point for Dre and let's call it: Progress.
I often have to remind myself to follow my own advice - to remember that there are many ways to "win" this battle and every week winning looks and feels a little bit different.
Today i'm focused on the tiny changes creeping up on me.
Small wins:
A stronger push up (point for Dre)
Lifting heavier weights for the row exercise in burn circuit 2 for Chalean Extreme. (ding ding - another point)
Teaching my first full hour of Turbo Kick solo. And you know what? I made it. I didn't wimp out - i didn't lose my way and i remembered to smile and look up. (triple points for Dre)
Losing inches means my clothes fit better than they did a month ago. And overall - I feel good that each week i'm making strides (no matter how small) to be the better version of me that i have envisioned for myself. (ding, ding, ding!)
This is so important! It will always be a challenge to keep that vision of a better you within reach. Often times we lose sight of our goals when things get busy, or something else starts taking priority. But even during the hardest weeks to stay on track - you have to promise yourself to give it all you've got. Even if it's 20 minutes less than usual - or the weights aren't as heavy as they could be. Some effort is better than no effort at all and you HAVE to really embrace that to stick to your goals long term. If things get busy with family, work, friends - still make an effort - even if its small to work toward your vision of a better you. Don't have time to do an hour of cardio? Well, you have 10 minutes to run, right? Remember - something is better than nothing. And you are worth it.
Make a list of the little things that keep you going - keep stock of them and continue to add to the list. Seriously - write it down. If you don't have a clear vision in your mind of who you are becoming, then i challenge you to really take some time to see it. And find a way to hold onto it at all times. Sometimes my vision gets a little blurry - and I'm glad in those moments that i wrote it down, that i told my best friends and they are able to make things clear again. And this helps me keep going, even when it's tough.
Ding! It's a knockout.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Outside the Comfort Zone
I use TweetDeck religiously.You should follow me there if you don't already @theotherdre.
Here's the thing - if you follow the right people, there is endless advice, encouragement and ideas to help you with your fitness or just life in general goals. One thing that really pushed me to make a change was seeing a quote from one of the people i follow. It was something like:
"How are you to grow if you don't push yourself beyond your comfort level?"
It was one of those quotes that really knocked the wind out of me. It made me realize that I'm the type of person who for the most part - stays in my comfort zone. I have attempted to change my life in terms of being fit so many times over the years. But what i wasn't willing to do - was be uncomfortable.
Seeing this quote forced me to accept that about myself. The awareness of it shook me to my core and i decided then and there that it was time to stop being so scared and just go for it. I realized that nothing will EVER change unless you are willing to try something different. Because if the same old thing was working - the fitness industry probably wouldn't be a billion dollar biz, right?
This past summer - I had been doing TurboKick classes for about a year and an instructor training was coming up at my gym. I had been encouraged by one of my fitness mentors and good friend (Lindy for those of you who know her!) to sign up. My first reaction was to laugh. Me? A fitness instructor? Right.
Then that little tweet popped up and changed my mind. I WILL sign up for instructor training. I will be nervous about it until it happens, I'll stay up biting my nails about it the night before and won't be able to eat breakfast because i'm so nervous the morning of. But you know what - I did it. Not only did i do it - but i passed!
Good job, Dre, I thought. I'll just put that little certification in my drawer and be happy that i challenged myself. But no - once again my friend Lindy encouraged me to start helping her teach class each week. I was terrified. I would watch the instructor training videos over and over, practice for hours, write down all the moves. Re-write them in bigger letters so i could bring them with me for class. I would start having butterflies the morning of and be totally shaking by 5pm when it was almost GO time.
Eventually Lindy put me on the fitness schedule as team teaching. So there it was in writing - my name with the word "TurboKick" beside it. WHAT? Who am i becoming? More so - who do other people think i am? I thought "they must be crazy."
Teaching a group exercise class has been another type of journey for me - I have to prepare and plan for it every week. The thing is - I have so much fun during TurboKick - and i want nothing more than someone else to love it and get their butt kicked as much as I do. But in order to really share that version of this workout - I needed something else. Some WOW.
So here - again, an opportunity to go to All Star Presenter Camp came up and it was a chance to practice, get feedback from a pro and the support of others who were also trying to step up their game. I signed up for it. Geez. I'm a nervous wreck again. Worried about how it's going to go - what will i have to do? What will people say?
But that's right - I did it anyway because i needed to push myself.
And again - a change happened in me. One that i wouldn't have gotten to as quickly if i hadn't moved myself outside of my comfort zone. I discovered things about myself that i honestly didn't know before. It was tearful, surprising and much needed.
I'm at the point in my life and in my journey where I've seen some progress. I've achieved some of my goals. But my heart and mind haven't caught up to my body. I still sometimes look in the mirror and I don't see myself as i am now. I still see that person i used to be. The person i have worked so hard to improve. At camp - we actually were videotaped teaching a portion of the class and we watched it. It forced me to see how others might see me. I realized for the FIRST - maybe I wasn't so bad.
I share these experiences with you so I can finally say:
Sometimes we have to take time out of our constant work outs, diets, day-to-day craziness and recognize our progress. We are our own worst critic - and sometimes we gotta tell that critic to take a hike so we can see ourselves in a new light. One that we've worked so hard for. We need to take a step back from the constant judgment of ourselves and really look.
The journey at this stage is both mental and physical - and we have to be strong in both ways. Let these two make peace with each other - and you'll start seeing so many great things about yourself that you never noticed before. And that's progress.
Here's the thing - if you follow the right people, there is endless advice, encouragement and ideas to help you with your fitness or just life in general goals. One thing that really pushed me to make a change was seeing a quote from one of the people i follow. It was something like:
"How are you to grow if you don't push yourself beyond your comfort level?"
It was one of those quotes that really knocked the wind out of me. It made me realize that I'm the type of person who for the most part - stays in my comfort zone. I have attempted to change my life in terms of being fit so many times over the years. But what i wasn't willing to do - was be uncomfortable.
Seeing this quote forced me to accept that about myself. The awareness of it shook me to my core and i decided then and there that it was time to stop being so scared and just go for it. I realized that nothing will EVER change unless you are willing to try something different. Because if the same old thing was working - the fitness industry probably wouldn't be a billion dollar biz, right?
This past summer - I had been doing TurboKick classes for about a year and an instructor training was coming up at my gym. I had been encouraged by one of my fitness mentors and good friend (Lindy for those of you who know her!) to sign up. My first reaction was to laugh. Me? A fitness instructor? Right.
Then that little tweet popped up and changed my mind. I WILL sign up for instructor training. I will be nervous about it until it happens, I'll stay up biting my nails about it the night before and won't be able to eat breakfast because i'm so nervous the morning of. But you know what - I did it. Not only did i do it - but i passed!
Good job, Dre, I thought. I'll just put that little certification in my drawer and be happy that i challenged myself. But no - once again my friend Lindy encouraged me to start helping her teach class each week. I was terrified. I would watch the instructor training videos over and over, practice for hours, write down all the moves. Re-write them in bigger letters so i could bring them with me for class. I would start having butterflies the morning of and be totally shaking by 5pm when it was almost GO time.
Eventually Lindy put me on the fitness schedule as team teaching. So there it was in writing - my name with the word "TurboKick" beside it. WHAT? Who am i becoming? More so - who do other people think i am? I thought "they must be crazy."
Teaching a group exercise class has been another type of journey for me - I have to prepare and plan for it every week. The thing is - I have so much fun during TurboKick - and i want nothing more than someone else to love it and get their butt kicked as much as I do. But in order to really share that version of this workout - I needed something else. Some WOW.
So here - again, an opportunity to go to All Star Presenter Camp came up and it was a chance to practice, get feedback from a pro and the support of others who were also trying to step up their game. I signed up for it. Geez. I'm a nervous wreck again. Worried about how it's going to go - what will i have to do? What will people say?
But that's right - I did it anyway because i needed to push myself.
And again - a change happened in me. One that i wouldn't have gotten to as quickly if i hadn't moved myself outside of my comfort zone. I discovered things about myself that i honestly didn't know before. It was tearful, surprising and much needed.
I'm at the point in my life and in my journey where I've seen some progress. I've achieved some of my goals. But my heart and mind haven't caught up to my body. I still sometimes look in the mirror and I don't see myself as i am now. I still see that person i used to be. The person i have worked so hard to improve. At camp - we actually were videotaped teaching a portion of the class and we watched it. It forced me to see how others might see me. I realized for the FIRST - maybe I wasn't so bad.
I share these experiences with you so I can finally say:
Sometimes we have to take time out of our constant work outs, diets, day-to-day craziness and recognize our progress. We are our own worst critic - and sometimes we gotta tell that critic to take a hike so we can see ourselves in a new light. One that we've worked so hard for. We need to take a step back from the constant judgment of ourselves and really look.
The journey at this stage is both mental and physical - and we have to be strong in both ways. Let these two make peace with each other - and you'll start seeing so many great things about yourself that you never noticed before. And that's progress.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
In the Inbetween
So today's blog isn't about fitness so much. It's just about me and my thoughts because sometimes i have a decent one that sticks around for awhile and i just need to "put it on paper."
I got the rough draft of our wedding ceremony this morning and i just spent a few minutes looking at it. Digesting it. It all seems so far away and not real until you get something concrete like that from someone you don't know who has taken the time to write your ceremony out. So it's this document that has my name in it and RJ's. It's real. I know i never really forget - every day is a reminder in a good way when i see him. When i miss him, when we call each other on the phone to just say hello.
When i'm fighting off the viscous puppy that Rj wanted so badly and that i love truly and completely despite the disaster he leaves in his wake every single day.
Sometimes things get so busy, that i don't let myself enjoy the process. Planning a wedding is not so fun MOST of the time. It's exciting but only because i'm excited for it to actually happen and it just be for real.
I'm sort of over all the planning and coordinating and spending of the money. But i want us to have a beautiful day with all our friends and family that will be a great celebration of who we are. But reading over the draft of the ceremony today - i couldn't help but getting a little teary eyed thinking of how i'm going to be up in front in a pretty dress looking into RJ's eyes and repeating these very words in 7 months.
And then it floods over me that I'm fortunate to have found someone who i love so unconditionally. Someone who drives me crazy and makes me laugh hysterically all in the same day. Honestly, someone who can put up with me. Because i'm a nutjob sometimes - i know. And it takes a lot to put up with me. I guess that's really what it comes down to in love. Someone who can put up with your own brand of crazy.
How romantic. :)
We have a lot of "wedding" stuff to do this weekend, so i'm hopeful that we'll (read I'll) feel a bit more productive and i'll stop having anxiety dreams about forgetting to get my dress fitted, or forgetting to pick out music for the ceremony. *sigh*
I got the rough draft of our wedding ceremony this morning and i just spent a few minutes looking at it. Digesting it. It all seems so far away and not real until you get something concrete like that from someone you don't know who has taken the time to write your ceremony out. So it's this document that has my name in it and RJ's. It's real. I know i never really forget - every day is a reminder in a good way when i see him. When i miss him, when we call each other on the phone to just say hello.
When i'm fighting off the viscous puppy that Rj wanted so badly and that i love truly and completely despite the disaster he leaves in his wake every single day.
Sometimes things get so busy, that i don't let myself enjoy the process. Planning a wedding is not so fun MOST of the time. It's exciting but only because i'm excited for it to actually happen and it just be for real.
I'm sort of over all the planning and coordinating and spending of the money. But i want us to have a beautiful day with all our friends and family that will be a great celebration of who we are. But reading over the draft of the ceremony today - i couldn't help but getting a little teary eyed thinking of how i'm going to be up in front in a pretty dress looking into RJ's eyes and repeating these very words in 7 months.
And then it floods over me that I'm fortunate to have found someone who i love so unconditionally. Someone who drives me crazy and makes me laugh hysterically all in the same day. Honestly, someone who can put up with me. Because i'm a nutjob sometimes - i know. And it takes a lot to put up with me. I guess that's really what it comes down to in love. Someone who can put up with your own brand of crazy.
How romantic. :)
We have a lot of "wedding" stuff to do this weekend, so i'm hopeful that we'll (read I'll) feel a bit more productive and i'll stop having anxiety dreams about forgetting to get my dress fitted, or forgetting to pick out music for the ceremony. *sigh*
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