I'm Missing You, Christmas

Someone said to me today that they just weren't quite in the Christmas spirit yet, and they needed to get there. I was thinking something similar the other day on my commute back home from work. I find myself constantly switching radio stations looking for a song i like and two stations play nothing but Christmas music 24/7 these days. I quickly move past the stations and the other day i wondered why i was so quick to buzz past them. Like the thought of listening to Christmas music was absurd.

But today is one week away from Christmas. And i only realized that during lunch today when someone else said it out loud. One week and I'm still not ready to sing along with the Christmas songs. I remember over the last few years that Christmas has just felt so different than it used to. And maybe that is part of growing up - the constant battle for who's house it will be spent at, what should we bring for lunch or dinner, asking for wish lists and pushing our way through overcrowded stores to make sure everything is just right. And As a child, I knew about none of these things - it was just the holidays and there were parties and cookies to eat, random gifts to open and pretty cards in the mail. And one morning you just woke up really early because you wanted to and there were so many presents to unwrap and new toys to play with.

This Christmas will again be a race against time to do everything and be with everyone in a short period of time. And i'm feeling like I'm missing you, Christmas. Like an old friend. The one that used to be so easy to talk to - the one that didn't take any effort at all. It was just simple and honest and in the moment.

The last few years after Christmas day has ended and i'm lugging my suitcase and new gifts from my car to my house - i realize that somehow i've just forgotten everything. The whole reason for this holiday to begin with. And i feel burdened with this guilt of how in the struggle to spend time with everyone and do everything - I've forgotten to take a few moments to stop and just thank God for the best present he could ever give to me (and everyone else). And how without that gift - none of the beautiful things i remember about the holidays (or any day in fact) would be possible. They would lack hope, laughter and the wonderful forgiveness that God's gift to us provided.

So, it's true. I miss you Christmas. And i've missed the point more than a few times in my life when it comes to Christmas - and so this year, first and foremost I'm taking a moment or two to be thankful and more thoughtful about this season and what it really means. And just focusing on one gift, the one that matters most - the one i was given so long ago.

Dreaming of Days Past

Well, for some reason i decided it would be a good idea to look up my exboyfriend from college on facebook. Something triggered it - I have a feeling it is my happiness that took me there. Made me curious. He was a good guy and I know that i made the right decision for both of us in ending the relationship - but i know i didn't do it the right way. I regret that.

I think i just wanted to make sure he's happy. We tried to be friends after we broke up. But i think for him it was more about waiting it out to see when i'd come back and for me i was really done. So whenever i would talk about going out and this and that - he would be angry when i wouldn't be around to talk. So we decided maybe we shouldn't talk for awhile. And now it's been almost 5 years and i'm pretty sure we'll never talk again. And that's okay. But you can't spend all of college dating someone, and living on the other side of the earth with someone and never think of them and wish them well.

So when facebook changed their privacy options - it opened up a small window of opportunity to see what once was hidden. So i looked at his facebook page and through a bit of detective skills figured out that he was with someone and he looked happy. And she looked happy and from the few interactions I saw it sounded like she meant it. Of course, this is all facebook message interpretation. But i was glad to see that he had found someone. It was funny because she didn't seem anything like me. That probably was a good thing.

Anyway, i guess seeking out the answer to my curiousity made me dream of him. I have dreamt of him before - and it's always the same type of dream. Everytime.

The dream is this (even though it is a difference sequence of events, or in a different place, etc everytime). I am in the same place as him again and he doesn't realize we've broken up and i've moved on. It's like i remember the events of the past 5 years, but he doesn't. And i have to go through that terrible break up all over again. Where i was so determined to not let myself be sweet talked back into the relationship that i was heartless and mean.

So last nights particular guilt fest was that we were moving back to New Zealand, and for some reason we were both going and he thought it was us going together again. So he kept trying to make plans for where we were going to live, what we were going to do, and i was trying to figure out a way to break it to him that i had moved on, that i wasn't going with him, it was just a weird coincidence that we both decided to go back. It was so frustrating and maddening. I hate when i have dreams like that.

*sigh*

I guess curiousity does kill the cat.

Sympathy Depression

So I've heard of sympathy pains. Typically when a woman is pregnant, sometimes her husband will complain of similar aches and pains. It's a strange concept all around - but i seem to be extremely sympathetic to people around me.

I remember one time my college boyfriend twisted his ankle when we were outside playing basketball at my parents house over a holiday break. I was fine - but i remember later that day feeling extreme pain in my ankle. To the point where i was limping. Weird.

Recently, one of my co-workers has been complaining about serious knee pain (she had knee surgery in highschool or college) and then slowly, my knee started feeling like it was in pain all the time. I'd wake up inspecting it and wondering if i needed to go to the doctor. She went to see her surgeon over the thanksgiving break and she has a stress fracture. Hope my sympathy pains don't extend that far.

So now i think i'm experiencing sympathy depression. My fiance is totally miserable at his job, and has been for a year. But it's not exactly a great time to find a new job, even though he's been trying. So it's been a painful year in a lot of ways for him. He took a step down just to have a job when he relocated here a year ago thinking that he'd at least be making some money while he found something else. But it's just been a difficult market to find something better in the creative industry. So as the year has progressed, he's become more and more depressed about his work situation and i in turn am starting to feel depressed. He doesn't want to go to work in the morning - well neither do i. Nothing interesting happened at his work, well, nothing for me, either.

Boo.

I need to figure out a way to deflect other peoples pains and emotions from seeping under my skin. I mean - in a lot of way i think i'm having EMPATHY pains because it feels like i'm suffering from the same thing they are instead of just feeling bad that they are feeling bad.

My fiance said that one thing he noticed immediately about me is that i really take on the emotions of others. When someone else is upset, I'm upset, too - and i take things really hard when others aren't happy. So maybe it's just a personality trait i have. I guess sometimes it's a good thing - it probably makes me an excellent friend. :)

But it's sort of tiring - and ultimately, depressing in my current situation.

Dear Santa,
Please give my fiance a new job for Christmas.

Love,
Your empathetic little dre elf.

Without You When You're Here

It's weird how you can live with someone, and still feel like you never see them. I guess i've experienced this with roommates before, but it's different when this person is the man you are going to marry.

He works 2:30-11:30pm, i work 8:30-5pm. So the weekdays are a bust. Dinner alone. TV at nite, alone. Teaching Yoshi tricks and "no bites" - alone. I was noticing last nite as i was looking at everyone's facebook updates about how it was such a perfect night to snuggle up with their hubby (or insert whatever term you want here) on the couch and watch tv.

It got me thinking that I've never really had a normal relationship. I had long distance relationships for a long time. And when i did live with one of my boyfriends when we were living abroad - it still was a not-normal situation because we were in a different country, out of our normal daily lives, etc.

And it was for a limited amount of time.

I figured that when my now fiance and i first started dating - him working evenings and me working days would give me the slow progression i needed to actually dating someone who lived down the street vs. another state. But now i'm kinda over the need for that slow progression and we both want "normal" (or at least our version of normal) in our lives right now.

He went out of town to visit old friends last weekend and i found myself sitting on the couch with the dog watching tv and being really lonely. I don't know how to not be with him on the weekends. Because that's our only time together. And this whole week has just felt so strange because i feel like its been two weeks since i've actually had more than an hour with him. And we live together!

It's not his fault. It's not my fault. It just sucks. And while i'm SO glad that we both are gainfully employed - it's so frustrating that we're never home at the same time. Then the weekends become this game of who made plans first, and all our commitments to family and friends and all of a sudden the weekend is over and we're back to eating dinner out of tupperware and sending texts messages so we actually feel like we talk during the day.

In some ways - i'm really proud of myself for wanting more. I've been really good at sheltering my feelings and keeping people outside of "what i need" my whole life when it comes to relationships. I guess that's why the long distance thing felt safe.

So i'm happy to have found someone that weekends aren't enough with. Someone that a phone conversation once a day doesn't fill my cup. I mean, it's definitely where we are right now - and until the economy changes our circumstances won't. Many people are worse off than we are - and i am 100% thankful for paying jobs regardless of the heartache it brings to both of us.

It's sort of bittersweet. Or ironic. I finally want to see someone everyday for dinner and breakfast and lunch and tv time and outside time and gym time - i'm finally open to all of that and not afraid of it, not afraid of sharing my entire life with the same person. And now that i finally found this person - he's right here, and we are still without each other so much of the time.

A Work in Progress

So, having a dog is a lot of work. Having a puppy is like turning your world upside down.

Never have i worried so much about a little being in my house. Of course, I've taken care of other people's children and not that that isn't stressful at times - but in the end, they eventually go back home to their mothers and fathers.

Well this little puppy is with me for good. There is no break, no "wow, that was a long day" and going home to relax anymore. Now there are vet bills, and me worrying about him teething and trying to teach him right from wrong.

Establishing puppy talk such as:
"No bites!"
"Icy?"
"Where is squirrel?"
"Go find monkey!"
"Do your business!"

I feel like most the time i have no idea what i'm doing. I've never had so much constant responsibility. If something happens, I'm in charge. I'm always hoping nothing happens. If there is ever a tick - will i be able to figure out what i should do?

The nights of endless barking aren't as bas as they were at first. He's actually learning how to use the doggy door which has made the whole "Do your business" thing a lot easier. But he still barks and howls at everything. Especially me when I'm trying to do something else.

After a particularly terrible puppy evening a few weeks ago, my fiance said "If you can't handle this puppy - how will we ever have children?"

All i could think is "you are absolutely right. This is making me believe I'll be a terrible mother."

And i was disappointed in myself. Wondering where all my patience had gone. Wondering if i could ever have enough love and patience to deal with an actual human being depending on me for it's entire existence if i can't even put up with an over excitable puppy.

Is this a lesson learned? A warning?

And then i turn around to see him quietly nestled on one of my fiances pillow - sleeping and being so amazingly cute.












I see him tackling a tiny pumpkin and wondering what i ever did before we had him.

And i'm thinking how warm and exciting it is to start our family. And how patience isn't something you receive overnight - it's always a work in progress. And how one night he frustrates me, and the next I'm in love.

Welcome to our family, little Yoshi, my big brown bear!

Permission to be Beautiful

Dear Self,
I give you permission to lose weight. I give you 100% support for feeling good about yourself, inside and out. I'm telling you it will be okay if people look at you and if someone might tell you you are pretty - it will be okay. It might even feel good.

I give you permission to forget the times in your life that you have felt ugly because you didn't like the way you looked, or someone else said something that made you feel bad about yourself. I allow you to look back on old pictures and laugh and realize that you are not that person anymore and to be happy that you have made progress.

I'm just letting you know that this fight is one you fight with yourself and no one else. In the end, only you are standing in our way. Your fear of being noticed, and your fear of it not being because someone is saying or thinking something nice is one that you can let go of now.

You have my permission to feel beautiful.

Love,
Me.


I think i've been standing in my own way for a long time. I have joked with some of my friends that i self sabotage - but i've been realizing lately that it's not a joke. I do it for real. I am catching myself trying to self-sabotage lately and I'm putting a stop to it. I'm one of those people who loves to be the center of attention and at the same time it has to be on my own terms. I am actually pretty shy if you were to look down deep into my soul.

I spent a lot of my life learning to laugh at myself and in the process ended up finding out that im pretty funny. And when people are laughing at me because i'm being funny - i'm happy with that. But in an instant, i'm feeling self conscious they are laughing at a joke ABOUT me and i realize - this quality of life and self confidence is no good unless i really feel 100% good about ME.

Inside and out. Some people say that it doesn't matter what's on the outside. I think that is how i've lived my life for the most part and it's been my excuse for not working to look the way i want to look. There is nothing wrong with working hard to feel good about yourself. And i need to stop being so scared of reaching my goal. Because then - what will i complain about? And what would it be like to just BE there instead of always just talking about it?

So...no more mind games. No more wondering. It's going to happen. And i'm going to like it.

My Time Capsule

Over the weekend, my sister dropped by to pick up her dogs. We have been dogsitting every weekend this month! Not to mention WE just got our puppy on Saturday, so it's been a crazy weekend/week with so many new things happening.

But my sister said to me "I have something for you." So i'm thinking - okay, cool. She walks to her car and brings this plain manilla envelope in to me. And i said - what is it? She told me she had no clue and that it was left on her front door at her house. It hadn't been mailed - just dropped off. No note.

So i look inside and I see this folder that has been taped shut on all sides. And it has my friend from highschool's name printed on the tape to show that it hasn't been opened. And my name on the other side. On the tab of the file folder it reads: "Andreas Time Capsule"



Memories start flooding back to me. A project that one of my classes did in highschool at the end of sophomore year was a time capsule. We were supposed to open them together at our 10 year reunion.

I didn't go to our 10 year reunion.

Later in the day when i had some time to myself, i went through the folder. I found a lot of things - but what really overwhelmed me was a letter we wrote to ourselves. I wrote this on Saturday, May 17, 1997 to myself:

Dear Dre,
I didn't think this would be such a hard project to do. But i'm sitting here in the basement almost crying. I'm so scared to grow up. I mean, I'm just not ready for the world yet. Are you still scared? What's it like to fall in love, what's it like to hear someone call you mommy? Right now, school just seems to drain me. Four more days till I'm out of sophomore year. I'm scared to get older. I hope its not so bad.

*Then there is another paragraph about who my current crushes are and i'm just going to leave that out* ;) *

One thing. I hope that now that you (we're) older we/you/i still have lots of pals. Remember not to keep everything to yourself...let it out. Don't forget about poetry and writing stuff either. This year i compiled my poetry book, Mirror, Mirror. Hope you/i/we still remember. Remember to play the piano a lot too! I love the moonlight sonata and endless love by Lionel Richie.

Also...where's Eti (the turtle/sand creature) and Toby...or what about brownie, my bear? You still have all that stuff? I hope so.

This has also been my year of caps lock. Everything i write practically is in all caps (this letter is handwritte BTW so it's all written in capital letters).

Do you still love mexican food? Is Guadalajara still open in Danville? If so, go and get taco salad (beef) no guacamola w/ diet to drink. It's the best. And at the Outback Steakhouse I always get the alice springs chicken. And drop by the old church, k? Go and see the youth room and what's going on up there. Is there still a band? Where's Jamie Ward these days? Is jesse pope, josh/jeremy hughes or Jk Kurtz famous yet? If so, I saw them get started!! They were all my good pals. Well anyway...hope things are going extremely well for us now!! Remember to pray tonight! And to tell your friends and family you love them.

Love you,
Me.

Being 15 is so crazy. Reading a letter to yourself that you wrote at 15 - even crazier.

Mortgage: The beginning of a very long term relationship

So on 10/31 - my lease is up with my apartment. I've turned in my notice. We've moved most of my stuff. Our bedrooms in the house where we will be living together are starting to look like actual furnished rooms and not empty spaces.

I've started putting little decorations in the nooks and crannies of our house - making it feel more like home. I'm still trying to remember that my bras are in the guest bedroom drawers and my gym clothes are in the office closet. I haven't found the right pattern for turning on the lights in the house so i'm never in the dark.

We moved my bed to our master bedroom and i feel like the present is more real than ever before. Or maybe it's just this vision of my future i'm having now that i see the "stuff" that i had at my own place now on the counter tops and bookshelves in this new home.

Our home.

I keep calling it "Rj's House" instead of our house because i'm not sure how it sounds yet to other people. Rj and I practice using the word "our." Our house. Our yard. Our new puppy. Our life.

It's weird not just being a "me" or "you" anymore. There is no "my place" anymore - it's ours. And yes, you can still come over to our place. :)

And i realized that i paid my last rent check this month. As i'm reviewing my bills for the month, I'm trying to figure out how I'm ( I mean we're) going to split up paying the mortgage, the gas bill, the cable/internet bill and all those other money sucking things.

I was about to update my Quicken online budget so instead of saying "rent" it would read as "mortgage." Moving in to his house (our house) is quickly becoming totally official. No more "we can stay at my place" or running to check the mail there. Pretty soon it's just going to be me and him and our house with our back yard. I'm going to start paying a mortgage on my house.

The mortgage seems more to me than just another bill. It's a symbol of the commitment we've made to each other in a very tangible sort of way. I can touch that money - I can see where it's going, i can look at the bill every month and see how many years we have a head of us, how it all starts with this first mortgage payment that we make together.

Officially sharing. It's the beginning of a very long term relationship with each other and our home.

The Make Believe

When I was younger – I definitely wanted children. I was basically the most sought after babysitter in the land among my church. I was great with kids, and somehow I had this endless energy to run after them. One of my favorite games was “Ocean.” I told the kids that the whole house was an ocean and I would be the shark or I’d pick someone else to be the shark and we’d have to swim through the house avoiding other sea creatures and caverns, etc. It would turn into an hour of just running around in make believe and end with everyone passed out on the floor and red faced. It was fun for me and the kids.

I babysat all the way through highschool and college and then even some after college. But somewhere along the way – I decided that having children wasn’t something I particularly wanted anymore. I just seemed to have less patience, the games seemed like more of a hassle and the energy I once had vast amounts of vanished. Now, I didn’t turn into a terrible babysitter or anything, I still did a good job. I just felt like my heart wasn’t in it as much as it used to be. My family seemed shocked about my lack of interest in having children. Everyone in our family always has children. At least 2 or 3. I spent a lot of time feeling like the baa baa black sheep.

At the same time as this change of heart, I was dating someone new. I spent three years with him, and now that I look back…I realize that all the energy and enthusiasm I had for make believe and games and endless patience was being used in that relationship. I put all my energy and optimism into a really crappy situation and my powerful ability to “make believe” was used for thinking myself into a better situation instead of making up fun games for the kids I babysat. All the patience I had was now spent in my personal relationship instead of me being nice to others around me. It zapped me of my energy, and ultimately made me think that I didn’t want kids.

As soon as I ended that three year disaster, I started working on me again. I’d put myself last for a long time and I’d really forgotten who I was in the midst of trying to help someone else with their issues and problems. I started realizing the things that were important to me that I’d shoved aside – like family, faith, patience, marriage, commitment and truth. In my next relationship and the one I’m currently in now….I was able to bring my true self into it from the very beginning. I started the relationship out the right way – just being totally and completely me. As our relationship has progressed and we are now planning a wedding…we find ourselves in conversations about “well when we have kids” and making plans for now with the thought of “well when we have a kid” as a follow up.

I realized that being with the right person allows you to be you. From the dorky snort when things are really funny to admitting that you ate too much or that you really are scared to go into the attic by yourself – it’s all okay. And that when you finally are okay with you, and have embraced all the things that you want and love – maybe even the act of remembering what you once wanted when you were a little girl – you can really seriously be with someone who compliments all of those things.

I felt like a bad person for so long – that I had turned into some super adult who couldn’t fathom a thing such as “children.” And deep inside, I felt guilty about that and now I realize that the guilt came from not being true to myself. Not letting myself have the feelings and emotions that were really part of my make-up just made things worse. So this year has been about a lot of transitions and new beginnings for me. But it’s also been a lesson in remembering. Looking back and recalling the joy of rolling around in the floor playing robot with all those kids, being chased by a 3 year old shrilling shark, looking at my brother and his family and looking forward to having my own set of adorable children one day.

And knowing that now that I’m in the right situation, I can look forward to those things again – one day. And I can be happy that I’m not ignoring how I really feel anymore, I'm not pretending to be something i'm not because of who i'm dating.

It's good because I can look to the future and imagine our life. And I can see myself being the mom shark and letting the kids run around the house every now and again because it's fun. I’m not in a hurry to get there, and I’m happy with the one day at a time. It's just good to finally just be me.

I'll Miss You My Little Blackness

We got little black dog when i was 14. She was the tiniest little thing ever. Full grown she was a whopping 10-11 pounds, so you can imagine her as a puppy. She fit in a little Easter basket when we first got her - i remember taking her picture in it on my floral bedspread and she just sat there - too little to even try and jump out.

She was black and red. A miniature dachshund. She had the cutest little white belly when we first got her. Never once did she ever snap at me or anyone. She loved to just be near you - sitting on the couch, in the recliner, laying in the floor. She had her favorite blankets that we kept scattered through our house and often times you'd find her buried in between the folds. She always liked to burrow in them to stay warm and secure.

At night, she'd always sleep in my little twin bed with me. She was a little fire pit, always so warm which was nice in the winter and terrible in the summer heat. It was always so frustrating because she could never jump on and off the bed, so you'd have to constantly put her down, pick her up - especially in the morning time when she wanted to be let 0ut.

I wish she could have slept next to me one more time. She was always such a good little cuddler. Whenever i'd visit my parents, she would follow me around into everyroom. Sit next to me every single chance and her tail would wag at the sound of my voice.

She was my little black dog. Duchess Mahogany Splendor. That was her registered name - we called her so many things. Duchess, Dutch, Blackness, Black Dog, Perro de Negro (i was taking spanish in high school right about the time we got her).

I loved her so much. 14 years. How could you not love someone who has been in your family for 14 years? I'm gonna miss her so much. Going back to my parents house and her not being there will be the hardest. i would always look for her first - and i'm so glad that everytime i saw her, i spent some time with her and told her how much i loved her and how good she was. Because she was.

I'll miss you black dog.

The Choices We Make

We are from the same place
Share the same color of blue for eyes
We walk the same, i could pick you out of a crowd of legs
We heard all the same things on this journey to adulthood
But in the end, we find ourselves making different choices

Who am i to say you are wrong?
Who are you to say i am wrong?
We both read the same bible, pray to the same God
How are our understandings so different?

I am torn between feeling betrayed and loved deeply
Your perspective is one i find limited
and yet completely identify with at the same moment
We come from the same teaching

And yet - my heart doesn't know whether to break or burst
because i'm not sure i agree with you - on any of this
and would i re-write my future just to keep you happy?

Or am i pretending it doesn't matter to me? Or maybe it just doesn't -
And this choice is one i've already made

My heart is something only i can understand and i can't tell it to you
My spirit only carries the conversations that i have with Him, and you can't hear it
And you don't know my love and how my heart has already committed to
This Day Forward

And how to me - it is already done.

Why the Chicken Crossed the Road

I have made plenty of bad decisions in my time. I absolutely believe I will make more bad decisions in the future.

But what I struggle with the most, is letting someone else figure out they are making a bad decision. I know, i know. Experience is the best teacher. But it is in my nature to try and save people. Save them from themselves, from the heartache, from the potential pain, from so many things that i've experienced myself.

Ultimately, it's me making a judgment call. It's me saying "I'm right." And i get that in the end, I don't really have a say. And there is a chance I'm wrong - there always is that chance. But i think when you are on the other side of the road waiting for the next person to cross - your vantage point could be clearer than theirs. But shouting "Come across now!!! It's safe!" to someone who thinks they don't have time to make it will probably sound like crazy advice from where they are standing.

What do they say? Hindsight is 20/20. I look back and see all the times i should have take that leap of faith and ventured across the road even if it did seem sort of scary at the time. Even if the sound of the oncoming car was overwhelmingly loud - even if i saw the smoke in the distance and it seemed like a speeding bullet. And i wonder how much farther along on the other side of this road would i be if i hadn't waited so long to just do it?

In the end, I can't go back and change things. And ultimately, I'm happy now with the side of the road i'm on. But i know that there are probably some scary jaywalks ahead of me, I'm not going to pretend that things will be perfect and clear from here on out.

But when i turn around and i look at those scattered on the other side...those that are still so hesitant to cross...I see them sticking one foot on the the roadway and immediately stepping back and I wonder - what is stopping them? What do they see coming in the distance that keeps them right where they are?

I keep stopping to yell "I'm right here - just cross the road. I'll keep an eye out for you" - but it falls on deaf ears.

Somehow the space between us is so manageable to me and yet so unfathomable to you. It's hard to trust me - when it's not my life. I understand that.

But i want better for you....I want you to see things from this side of road.

It's so much clearer over here. I swear it is.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

He finally figured out how.

The Secret Stress

Apparently, i'm stressed out.

Perhaps it's a delayed reaction - because I don't really feel all that stressed out right now. After this week at work, things should calm down a bit and I'm experiencing a bit more time to breath and catch up than i was before.

Yet, every morning i'm waking up to a sore jaw. As i research my symptoms this morning on google - it seems that i have some version of TMJ. I have self diagnosed myself and have gone as far to write myself a prescription: Relax.

My fiance told me today that he wished i were more laid back. Well, me too, honestly. I work hard to appearing laid back, but those that know me really well know that I'm always thinking, always contemplating, always predicting and analyzing and making connections in my head. A machine that doesn't stop. And i guess it's started to work it's way from my brain into my jaw.

It's not a great feeling to feel like i've been punched in the face every morning when i wake up. My friend said that maybe i'm having stressful dreams. But last night i remember two things:

1.) I dreamt that we got a humidifier for our bedroom and that it was awesome.
2.) I dreamt that the next season of LOST started and i was a participant of sorts. My alarm went off just when i was getting to the good stuff!

So i don't really think either of those things are super stressful. Yet, my jaw had taken a beating apparently.

I'm in the process of moving again. Maybe that is stressing me out more than i think. But honestly - it's a good move and i have help and it's going to make life better. It's probably the last move i'll make for awhile so that should be a good feeling.

Yes, i'm planning a wedding, but things are going okay. No major stresses as of yet, although i'm sure I will have my moments.

I guess i need to connect to my psyche a bit more and figure out what it is that i'm so tensed up over. That, or a massage.

Do massage therapists work on jaw muscles?

One Year Ago and One Year from Now

A year seems like a long time. Technically.

But then I think about where i was last year. Anticipating my now fiance's move back to town. Knowing that we had first connected four years ago and then he moved...and then we reconnected over the last summer via email and aim, text messaging. Wondering what would happen when he finally moved back. Would we be friends? Would it be more? Was i ready to move on after the last disaster of a relationship i had?

Meeting him out for a drink at Tyber Creek that night he got into town. His friends, and some of my friends. Us talking and him being excited about being back into town and me happy that he was back and things seemed to be going well. Then all of a sudden, hiking the next day with my friends. Dinner out mid week - cooking me dinner after work. Drinks on Saturday?

And now, all of a sudden, it's a year later. Beginning of October and i have a ring on my finger and am thinking about the next year of my life and how it will be spent planning our wedding and preparing for our marriage. And i wonder - wow, had did this all happen so fast and yet feel so absolutely right?

A year is not always a long time, but i guess it is sometimes just the right amount of time.

Time enough to grow up and leave old habits behind, time to distance ourselves from old stories and memories we don't want. Time to be scared about having feelings again, and time to fall in love anyway despite all your reasons why you shouldn't.

Time to finally feel good about loving someone and feel appreciated and time to learn how to just accept love and the good things that go with it. Time enough to realize that nothing is perfect, but you can still be perfect for each other.

This year has been good to me. And as i'm looking at the clock - this time on this day next year, i will be married. I will have posed for all the pictures, and i will have my loved ones around me celebrating with me. I will be on my way to the reception most likely - ready for my first dance with my husband and a toast with my friends and family.

I promise to remember this moment. This moment that is right in the middle of how far i've come and how far it will take me.

Engaged!

I'm putting work on pause right now - even though i have so much to do. I just need a minute. or 5.

So - big catch up moment: I got engaged!

Life has been more of a whirlwind since then. It happened Sept 5, 2009. Seems like a good day to me. I loved it because as much as my fiance was so sure he would never surprise me - he did! He did have to catch me in a totally unguarded moment and i think it took us both by surprise. He asked me while i was vacuuming! lol

In the end, it was funny. And sweet because he just couldn't keep a secret any longer. And honestly - i'm glad it happened the way it did. Neither of us are huge romantics, and i think i take the most pleasure from those tiny sweet moments however unexpected they might be.

The ring is beautiful. More beautiful than i could ever imagine. It's funny how some people have every detail of "what they want" planned out before they even meet someone. I can't say i hadn't thought about what it would be like to meet the right person, what it might be like to be given a token of someone's love...but i really hadn't considered it too deeply.

Now that i have all this planning to do - i'm being forced into making decisions about so many things. I think i'm already not a fan of all this planning. But my hope is to get most of it done in advance so then it's not such a hassle at the end. I guess i'll be taking this one day at a time!

I never wear much jewlery - so it's been a bit of an adjustment. But i feel this deep attachment to it - i guess because it's just a symbol of what's next and this new chapter in my life.

I wonder if i'll ever just not pay attention to it or think twice about it. It's just so new. And i want to do everything right now and at the very same time not do anything at all. lol

I have a whole year to plan - so it won't be so bad. Plenty of time. Just trying to enjoy the moment while it's mine.

The Weaker Muscle

Despite not feeling super inspired to blog all the time, i'm still trying to force my creative hand.

I was thinking about how i used to write pages upon pages every day. I'm sure if i dug into that old worn cardboard box that is taped shut (for good reason) i'd probably be overwhelmed by the teenage angst that seeps from the pages. It used to help me so much to write everything out - and sometimes i feel like i used up all those creative juices early on and have been kind of running on empty since college.

I just started another good book - one that has potential to turn me on to a new author, which is something that doesn't happen very often. As i read books like this, it makes me miss writing. Makes me miss the act of entertaining someone with thoughtful or funny stories. And i feel inspired for like 10 seconds and usually that isn't enough time to get my slower than a snail computer to turn on in order for me to type while i'm still feeling that energy running through my blood.

I know - I should just take a journal with me and that way i always have it nearby to write in. Technology does stifle us sometimes i guess. But i've gotten out of the habit of writing with pen and paper. I probably type about 5 times as fast as i can write - so it just seems to take so long to write it down (literally).

And after typing that - i feel pretty lazy. lol

Either way - few of us strike gold upon first efforts and I keep on telling myself that if i just keep on plugging away, it'll come back to me. I gotta believe...

1991

A moment to breathe inside this craziness. Friday marks the move in of a new year of college students. This morning in our presidents opening address he told us non-mathematicians that this years college class were born in 1991. I remember 1991 very vividly. I would have just turned 11. I have a memory of walking into my parents bedroom and sitting on the bed and watching tv and wondering to myself what the next school year would be like. I had just moved the previous spring into a new school system in the middle of my 4th grade year. I hadn't been super successful at making friends and was determined to read books during all my spare time so i wouldn't have to feel lonely for my old school, old friends and the comfort of the familiar.

But summer time brought a new haircut (finally, my mother relinquished control over my hairstyles so i could DISCONTINUE the mullet), new clothes, a fresh tan (i actually tanned when i was younger) and a brand new pink and purple pencil box. 5th grade turned out to be awesome. I usually refer to it as the year i decided i would be funny. It worked.

So in the year i was coming into my own personality, taking control over some aspects of my appearance or at least starting to care about it - these freshman were just being born.

Working at a university keeps people young - at least that is what a lot of people tell me. I can see how, because no matter what years you remember vividly it's vital that you know what's going on RIGHT now in the worlds of 17-22 year olds. And you have no choice but to sing along to that new Black Eyed Peas song or tweet and use all consonants letters to send messages to others.

In the past, the time gap between when i was born and the incoming class didn't impact me much. But 1991 - that's a clear memory for me in terms of what was going on in my mind at that point in my life. The details are a bit more hazy beyond that. So it's stuck out to me this time around. Makes me feel a bit older and leaves me wondering if i'm any wiser for the extra decade that separates us, or if that's all just in my head.

As the new year starts, i'm thinking about how i'll remember this moment that made me feel a spark of maturity in my life after the next 10 years. What will i have figured out by then? Or will i still be singing songs to pop radio and blogging about trivial things?

A lot about changing lately....

Okay. I've not been very good about blogging lately. I'm trying to get away from that old saying that the best writing comes from the tormented. But honestly, it's hard to write consistently (at least for me) during times in my life where i'm feeling content. But on the other hand - i don't want to look back on my blog life and just see chapter upon chapter of sad and depressed. Because that's not really what my life is like. I just tend to document the bad stuff. Which is really quite sad.

Because i've been thinking a lot lately about happiness. And the future. And how in just one short year, my whole life has been flipped upsidedown and for once - i made the right decision for myself. I always joke that i'm right about 99% of the time (which is for the most part true ;) ) But ultimately, we've all made some bad decisions. Which i guess *sigh* means that i was probably wrong some of the time.

Either way - my point is that sometimes making those really gut wrenching this will change the direction my life is going choices is really the best medicine for someone in between a rock and a hard place. I mean - you got there by sort of wedging yourself in, perhaps trying to find some comfort in that weird spot. But the only way out is probably going to be a bit painful, it might leave some bruises or scratches. It might even leave a scar.

But being in the open - with no rock and no hard place in sight, it's like magic. A gulp of really fresh air when you've been indoors too long.

I've been reading a few friends blogs, and of course, talking to friends over the phone, the internet or in person. It seems like everyone is always talking about changing - it happening, it not happening, our refusal to let it happen (it will happen anyway).

Change is neccessary. Seasons change. There is day and night. There are clouds on some days and bright sunshine the next. There is a high tide, a low tide, and sometime no tide at all. The undertow sweeps one person away and is gone immediately. All around us - change is happening, and most of the time that change around us is actually TO us. Or in some peoples opinion - AT us. Like an attack.

It's unnatural to not change. I mean they have how many tv shows about people who are stuck in the past that need to be updated because they just look crazy dressing that way? Change is good. It keeps us moving, keeps us from growing stagnant in our lives, in our thoughts.

And even though its painful sometimes, change is the cure. On the other side of a really painful change - i have no choice but to be an advocate for change. Because it's brought me a new beginning and happiness that i didnt even know existed before.

So what if i had refused to change? If i allowed myself to stay wedged between that rock and hard place - waiting for it to just start feeling better instead of doing something about my situation? I would not be here. Literally. I would not be sitting at this computer writing this blog to you. Because i'd still be there - in that chair in a different city being miserable about several different situations in my life.

We have to open ourselves up to the danger of change. Let it consume us, let it reveal itself to us over time without us shoving it forward on our own paths or at our own speed.

It's like a train that you have to jump on - wind in your face, off to a new place. Or else you get left behind.

5:01 and counting

So today is the first day back in the office after what most people might refer to as "the long weekend." I'm sad to say that my place of work didn't give us any sort of "holiday" time for the July 4th weekend. Call me greedy - but time off is like giving me gold. Especially during the summer when all i can do is sit here and look out my office window longingly at the parking lot...no wait....the beautiful sun beckoning me to "Come outside and play."

It's honestly not my fault that when i do go outside i'm instantly hot and have to go inside instead. But still. Being inside and NOT at work is much better than inside and at work. Either way - i have a window.

So now its just a tid bit after 5 and as i watch all my friends log off their AIMs I settle in for the longest part of the day...the last 30 minutes. It's that time period where i don't want to start anything new because well...let's face it, i'm totally useless at this point in the day. And starting new is also just wasting time - albiet probably more of a waste of my time than anything else. I'm sure the company wouldn't agree with me on that one. But i know myself pretty well - and believe me, training me to do work related things after 5pm is like trying to reprogram your automatic a/c unit at home. Impossible.

So i figure i'll blog for a few minutes and feel like i did the best thing i could do with my given situation.

The weekend recap was pretty good.

Lunch with my bf after my work out. Granted, i found some piece of hair in my salad so i didn't finish it.

After that we did our grocery shopping as he had the evening off which was nice and then we actually had DATE nite. We went to a nice italian restaurant that we love and had an appetizer and a bottle of wine. Yum!

Unfortunately I ate a form of pork (i never eat pork) and it made me a little sickly. Oh well, it was delicious for a few moments at least. :)

Next - a few drinks with our friends on their new deck. Nice way to end the nite!

On Saturday morning - we went out to our fav little place for breakfast and i finally decided to order the blueberry pancakes. I always want the blueberry pancakes but when they tell me their specials i get this feeling of "I HAVE to order the special - they may never have it again" but this time i was committed to the pancakes. TOTALLY worth it.

We then wasted a lot of time which is unusual for us with our typical nonstop weekend plans. We managed to spend a combined $75 at target at what should have been a quick trip in to get deoderant and chap stick. Target is like a black hole for me. When i walk in I almost never make it out alive. Or with any of the cash i had going in.

We debated a movie - enough to actually walk in to the theatre and then feel totally ambivalent about all the options and walked out. After this i lose track of time for a bit. But at some point we met up with our friends for a July 4th cookout and fireworks (by RJ mind you).

After a near close encounter with explosives - we have decided that next year we'll stick with the pop rockets and sparklers and leave the big guns for the experienced (this story involves me diving onto the porch for those of you who wish to ask later).

Sunday was sleeping in super late, eating mexcian (a weekend ritual), and cooking all our meals. Also the last weekend of total debauchery. 30 day challenge starts today!

Overall - fun weekend. And i have vacation days this week! WOOT!

Melt Down

Well - when you start a blog, you always have high hopes that it will be funny, charming and all the things you look for in a significant other. haha

But then as your blogging life continues - you realize that life isn't always funny and charming. And it's hard to be at your best all the time.

So this morning i had a melt down. I guess i've been on the brink of it for awhile. I've been working out and cooking healthy meals, limiting my snacking to healthy snacks and correct portions. I've been doing this for about a month or so now. And the last three weeks have been sort of a "well i didn't lose any but i didn't gain any" result and i kept telling myself that i'm probably just putting on a bit of muscle and my body is going to start really responding here soon. But it's been hard. Every other time in my life when i've put THIS much effort into being healthy - I've seen a pretty steady drop in my weight.

But today - stepped on the scale and i'm 1.8 pounds heavier than i was last week. I mean - almost two pounds? *sigh*

It's just so frustrating. So hard to keep my chin up and to keep trying to make better choices and push myself to work out even when i really just want to go home and do nothing. And then to work that hard and GAIN weight?

Its just hard to find the motivation in that to continue. Ultimately, i am going to continue to try. I have to because i want to be healthy and i want to be happy. On sunday i'll be starting the 30 Day Shakeology Challenge with a few friends. It's basically a healthy meal replacement that is equal to all your fruits and veggie needs in one shake. So i am going to start doing that and i think i'll replace my dinner with it this week. My only thought is that maybe i need to reconsider my big meal timing. Move it more to breakfast/lunch and do the shake for dinner.

Who knows. I just know i have to keep trying. Tears before 8am are not fun. I'm determined to be who i know i can be and be the healthier, happier version of myself that i was a little over a year and a half ago.

Where did that gal go?

The Credit Burden

I have always been good with my credit cards. My parents helped me establish good credit during college and I've always "respected the plastic."

Due to a few unlucky housing situations and a string of long distance relationships and getting paid peanuts at my last job, I unfortunately drummed up a bit of debt for myself. Now - I have to say that i fortunately have no student debt, i own my car (a beat up geo that i paid cash for 4 years ago) and becos of the old car, my car insurance is pretty low as well.

So when i say i have debt - i'm not talking about 10's of thousands of dollars. But enough to give me worry because i feel like owing anyone is a burden. It's always on my mind. I have 3 credit cards, and i recently paid off one of them by utilizing my tax refund and some extra money i received for presenting at a conference. So i think i've been pretty responsible about using the "extra" money in my life to pay my debts. Literally.

As i've gotten older - i've realized how important it is to be in control of your finances. There for awhile - i just felt like this happy go lucky sense of "everything will work out, it always does." But now i live in my own place and am totally responsible for the bills coming to my name and my address. And i made a new years resolution to really start paying attention to my budget so i can make a dent in my credit cards and start focusing on SAVING money instead of paying off debts.

I got a free online account with Quicken - and it connects with my bank account and i can go in and categorize my spending, create budgets for certain categories and see the trend of my spending. It's been a big wake up call for me.

I've made some major changes in my spending habits. The biggest thing i've found that has helped is that i do NOT make any online purchases with my credit card with the promise to "pay it off later." That always turned into me deciding i didn't really have the money to pay it off from my paycheck that month and so i'd pay a little bit of it and then start paying interest anyway. It was a slippery slope.

So now - if i really want to buy something online or buy someone a gift off a registry online, etc - I simply use my debit card so it comes straight from my bank account. This way - there is no "i'll pay it off later" because it's being paid for immediately. So if i don't have the money in my account - i shouldn't be buying it anyway.

This new mentality kicked me in the pants a few times at first and now i'm much more in tune with what i can spend when i'm not living on the cushion of credit.

I also have started grocery shopping with my boyfriend. This means we pre-plan our meals, make a list (check it twice) and we only shop ONCE a week. This has majorly impacted my budget, but in a positive way. Before, grocery shopping was a roller coaster bill. Some times i'd go in and spend 100 bucks, and i'd end up eating out more than i should and throwing away good food.

Now i've limited that by pre-planning my meals and only budgeting for 2 meals "out."

Weekends are my only wild card now - but i've been able to keep things in check.

While i'm being paid more at my new job - we've been having "furlough days" so my paychecks since Christmas have been smaller than normal. I've basically been getting paid 140 bucks less each month which really adds up quickly!

But things are looking up as today as the first paycheck of the new fiscal year and we get full checks again - so now i'm in a position to double what i pay to my credit card each pay period and not even feel the impact in my budget.

So - God willing nothing happens unexpectedly in the next month - I should be debt free by August 1. And then after that i can start using the money i was paying toward debt to start saving for the future.

My future already feels brighter - just knowing i'm on the cusp of a major accomplishment - one that has been YEARS in the making.

YAY!!!

The Power Within....right?

So - like 1000's of human beings everywhere, I'm trying to lose some weight. I've been pretty steadily working out, lifting weights and trying to eat better for the last month or so. Unfortunately, I haven't seen a lot of loss weight wise. But i'm holding out as i know in the end - working out and eating well will win out.

It's the weekends that kill me though. Especially this last weekend - you can entitle it "Vacation with the Fatty McFatterson's" because i felt like all we did was eat poorly the whole time. And it was only 2 days. But i can feel my insides aching from eating mcdonald's, heavy mexican, donuts and fast food chinese. My body is basically rebelling against me now. So i had to go lift weights during lunch today and i'm doing turbo tonite after work which will be a good cardio blast.

I'm currently eating my lunch - a salad that i made at home with light/low fat organic dressing. I passed up the opportunity for chicken pasta bake, brownies, etc during orientation. The only thing i got from there was a roll to eat with my salad so i'd have some carbs for later.

My friend brought me a fun surprise today. It's a supplement drink mix so i can try the other flavor of this shakeology stuff i'm going to start next week. I bought the chocolate mix because the other was called "greenberry" and i'm not sure i'll dig it. But she brought me enough to make a drink and then this other supplement powder that will make it taste like a creamsiscle. So if i'm feeling really powerful today and in control - i will stop on the way home from my workout and purchase some soy milk and a banana and i will blend this for my dinner tonite.

I was planning on doing this drink in the mornings for breakfast - but i'm considering doing it for dinner most nites - because that would be quick and easy, and it would keep the calories in control. but i dunno! I will have to see how filling it is first.

So i'm working on unleashing that power within - i just have to find it first.

The Cycle of This

The silence in this room echoed when the walls hung bare
Months later - slowly frames went up, schedules were taped
pictures arranged
And noise was muffled and silence is not quite so loud

And with a new term, we strip the walls again
Waiting for more things to come
To be taped, pinned, framed to keep the walls warm
and our hands busy

The endless cycle the repeats itself
varying in subtle ways
just different enough to be difficult, stressful, or frustrating to us
and yet entertaining to outsiders

The same smile, that same joke
The same story about black pants and white socks
gets a laugh everytime

You run out of good fresh ideas
Start banking on the ones that work
depend on the repeater participants to nod
in the right places
and laugh on queue

New to all the fresh faces
old hat for old-timers

Schools out, schools in
hard to tell where the year ends and the other begins

Strange how there is no "I" or "Me" in Change

Change is hard. That's a pretty basic statement, I think. But when you get down to the knitty gritty of it - its not that ALL change is hard. Sometimes, change is easy - like when the summer schedule at work is over and I get to sleep in an extra 45 minutes.

THAT kind of change is easy.

Some changes are so gradual that you barely notice them. You just wake up one day and realize somewhere along the line you started drinking 1% milk instead of 2%.

Other changes are annoying. Like trying to change your habits of not going to the gym and wanting to literally be on the couch watching all your favorite reality tv shows eating chips and salsa into going to the gym and catching your shows when you can and NOT eating chips and salsa hardly ever.

The change i'm experiencing now is a bit different from those. As i'm continously working to benchmark other programs for the work i do - i find myself drifting back to past employers and evaluating the situation there. Because it was easy there in a lot of ways, and while what i did was important and probably looked really good to most outsiders, i see now that compared to what i'm facing now in my role makes my last job seem like a county fair compared to disney world.

But as i go back to what i know, to review it and analyze it with a different perspective - with the question of "did how i do it back then have any relevance for how i could create it now?" And it seems like everytime i look to find the answer to that question, another piece if what i built has changed. I'm not saying its changed in a bad way or a good way. I don't know - I'm not there and I don't know how it works better or worse, etc.

It seems weird, but no matter how much we struggle to follow the idea of "working to live" - I often think its quite the opposite in my career area. It seems that you have to pour so much of yourself into your work that now when i go back and look at what used to be reflective of my work and my thoughts and my ideas - its no longer mine. And i have this non-sensical moment of wanting to proclaim (loudly and yet to no one in particular) "Wait!!! Stop un-doing the good i did!"

And then i realize that things change and I don't have any right to pass judgement on things i'm not involved in anymore. And i feel badly for even allowing myself for a moment to feel like someone out there wasn't capable of having a better idea than i had.

You know -programs change. Forms change, processes change - and ultimately it's often the people change that creates the other ripples of change. And honestly, I chose to change roles and the ripples of change that are causing me a little sadness today are basically ripples from a rock I threw.

So yes, change is hard. Change is frustrating. Change can make you feel erased and forgotten. But I keep reminding myself that with every change comes a chance. And that's the ledge i have to find.

Vegas, Baby

So in the past week:

I've turned 28,
Had a giant ice cream sandwich made just for me,
Received a book called "Is Your Straight Man Gay Enough?" (this answer is still TBD upon further review)
Flew to Nevada for the first time,
Saw Elvis,
(and) Way too many boobs,
Dancing bunnies (that was scary),
Had a waiter with 40 years of waiting experience that still had no idea how to separate checks
Spent over 30 dollars on crab cakes and 18 on a margarita (hey i got my very own souvenir cup)
Talked about internship programs at different colleges all over the USA over Italian food and no one was bored
Didn't finish my fav dish at the local mexican restaurant (go me!)
....
and just found out i'll be teaching a class next semester.

It's been a busy week. I'll try and post pics from Vegas soon!

The Big 2-8

So my birthday is right around the corner. I'll be 28. And if i were myself and someone else were turning 28 i would tell them "actually you'll be STARTING your 29th year of life because your birthday just indicates that your 28th year is finished" and it would make me feel older. You know the whole Americans start the count from birth at 0. I think its interesting that other cultures call a baby 1 year old at birth. Makes you think twice when you ask someone how old they are.

I just might start saying "Well it depends on what day you count from."

I'm not too excited yet about my birthday. I have friends that keep asking if i'm getting excited. My bf reminded me that not being excited about a birthday just means that i'm getting old. But in reality - 28 doesn't seem that old to me.

When i was a kid, i guess i had all sorts of expectations about what I would be like and what my life would be like when i was in my 20's. As a kid, i was really under the impression that everyone got married in their early 20's because that's how things happened for my parents, my aunt and uncle and my older brother as well.

But when i was 20 - i couldn't imagine being married yet. Even though i was seriously dating someone and we had talked about the idea of marriage - it was still something that was like a far off idea. Then when i turned 24 - i was still with the same guy and realized that i still wasn't ready to get married and had the feeling he was and I ended things because of that and many other reasons.

I'll refer to the time between 24 and my current present time as something reserved and documented in "a different blog" as i don't care to address it all over again. But even with 28 around the corner - i don't feel like i've missed the mark in terms of my childhood expectations.

Instead i feel like i really challenged expectations held for me by my family by continuing to do my own thing and make my own path - even if it did seem like going around my elbow to get to my ass sometimes. In the end, it has been a decent journey to the "now." And looking back, i guess you always think that maybe you would have changed things - but in real life, I'm just glad to be here. Right where i am. Could i have not gained 20 pounds along the way? Sure. But in terms of big ticket items - 28 has been decent to me.

It beat me up a little bit along the way, i'm sure it left a fair amount of scars. But nothing that has made me scared of 29 or 30. I think i can handle it. And in the end - my expectations as a kid were just that - childish. And i like the real version - here and now - so much more.

As the Days Fly By

So my blog title is sort of like a soap opera title. But one thing i've been thinking about a bit lately is the feeling of less drama in my life. I'm sure its is comparable to how mothers must feel after raising a child and sending them off to college - having more time for themselves and not utterly consumed by all the things raising a kid entails. The early morning school drop off, the soccer practices and sleep overs. How tired parents probably are all the time and i bet they get so used to it they don't even notice until a few weeks after their child goes off to college and they aren't involved in the day-to-day buzz.

And all of a sudden you realize something is different. The air feels a bit less heavy, the rain sounds different when it pings against the window pane. Making dinner plans is less complicated and life all around has changed.

I went through a childhood and my teenage years without a whole lot of drama. I stayed out of dramas way and it stayed out of mine, too. Even college wasn't too dramatic. Then after college, it seemed like drama had a warrent out for me and when it found me - it nearly knocked me down. For about 3 years - life was very much like a soap opera. Crazy, dramatic, movie-like situations kept happening in my life. Some of them were scenes from a comedy, others were more on the tragic side.

And then - finally drama got tired of me and moved along its' way to ambush some other unsuspecting soul. Then the sun felt different - it seemed more kind. The wind seemed to blow more gently - a caress instead of a whip. The rain sounded soothing and its after scent a perfume. Walking up hill still took effort - but it didn't feel like the elements were against my voyage to the top.

I passed down an old yet famliar street this week, and for a moment my heart felt that old fear. The lack of control, the capacity to make bad decisions and believe they were the right ones. The inability to see clearly despite magnification.

At first, I didn't understand. Finally, I could put my finger on it - that old fear didn't belong anymore - and even though i finally realized what was missing..I didn't miss it at all.

Time

I'm having one of those weeks where I know I have a lot to do - but I'm lacking the motivation to be proactive about it. So i've succumbed to doing a little bit of work, taking a break and then doing more work, break, etc.

This is obviously one of my "break" moments.

As i was talking to my bf on the way home from the gym last nite - he was at work and he sounded so depressed. He told me how he was so bored at work and how nothing was ever challenging. I told him i felt the exact opposite a lot of the time. With my job - everything is a challenge. Everything takes 10 times longer than it should and sometimes its all so overwhelming that i just go into burnt out/breeze freeze mode for a few days until i can muster up enough energy to start digging into it again.

I'm hoping to feel better after I work out at lunch. I'm hoping that will wake me up and i'll have some new spunky feeling about how to make progress on some of my projects.

On another note - I went to visit my sister after the gym yesterday as she was starting to paint her kitchen in her new house. I couldn't see the whole house yet because they are still working on the hardwoods so you can't walk on them. But it was super exciting to think of my sister owning a home and really calling the Carolinas home. it's weird to think that 10 years ago, i was the first one in my family to move out of state and try life outside of kentucky. And now, my sister and my parents live in the Carolinas.

I'm proud of her for being responsible enough to buy a house. Its strange what things my sister beats me to the punch on. But on this one, i don't mind so much as my plans are pretty laid out for me at this point and they don't really require me to purchase a house on my own any time soon.

Its strange to see your little sister as an adult. Sometimes i still think of us fighting over who gets to use the phone line when we were tweens, or how we were strangers when I was away at college. I'm so glad that we've moved past that point now - and i can be a part of her life now that we are adults without the constant yelling or silence that we grew up with. Amazing how time changes things, and changes people.

Whew. Now if only time would speed up so it was 5pm and i could go home!

You Never Know What's Coming For You

So yesterday my bf and i finally watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I had wanted to see it in the theater but my bf has a hard time sitting still for a regular length movie - so i figured i'd see it via netflix. So he finally got it and we made time to watch it yesterday. I have to say this was probably the saddest movie i have seen in a long time.

I could NOT stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks about 3/4 of the way through. And every time i thought i had pulled it together - nope, here they come again. I'm not much of a "cry in front of you" person. And i definitely haven't cried in situations other than a sad movie with my bf. I just don't like to cry in front of people. That's something i do in private people.

So i was in serious pain trying to keep myself from an all out sobfest yesterday. You know that feeling where you are flexing every muscle in your face and somehow your throat too to keep from crying outloud? It was weird - sometimes i think when i see a sad movie and i let myself get involved emotionally - it just opens up the floodgates for me. And all of a sudden i'm crying about all the sad things that have ever happened to me or MIGHT happen to me in the future. lol

After the movie was over, i looked over at my guy and just said "that was the saddest movie ever" and he looked semi teary eyed too. And he gave me a hug and for whatever reason that made fresh tears happen. And he was like trying to comfort me and tell me that i shouldn't worry and we would "grow old together and not age in opposite ways" which was funny but instead of laughing it made me think about how terrible it must be to lose the person you love. Your significant other.

And of course, that made me cry more. And he, in response, probably was thinking i'm crazy. I did pull it together finally after he left to get me a tissue. I couldn't believe how sad that movie mad me.

I guess i just really identified on some weird level with it because for the first time in my life i have "the real deal" in the significant other category and have something to lose. Not that i haven't dated other people, but I just have never felt this overwhelming sense of sadness at the thought of them not being in my life forever. I mean - we all think we feel that way with first loves and dumb loves (as i like to label them). But this time, the feeling was different. And even though it hurt my heart (eyes and throat, too from refusing to sob outloud) - it makes me happy that i finally have someone that has the ability to make me feel that way.

It's just like one of the residents, Mrs. Maple says to Benjamin's: "Benjamin, we're meant to lose the people we love. How else would we know how important they are to us?"

Obviously, I don't want to ever lose anyone i love - but i'm really happy to say I already have an idea of how important a lot of the people in my life are. And that awareness makes me very blessed.